Surreal Life

Every so often I realize how totally surreal this experience really is for me.  Currently I am feeling good.  Normal, happy, healthy.  The fact of the matter is though that it doesn't matter how I feel today, because on Monday I will be sick.  So this weekend I am "doing" in the name of planning to be sick.  I'm catching up on laundry.  I'm making sure the house is neat and orderly.  I'm planning a date night with Nick so that he gets a little bit of quality time with me when I'm feeling good (and admittedly because my hair hasn't started falling out yet).  I'm trying to make sure I actively play with Bella as much as I can (without totally wearing myself out!).

This is going to be my reality over the next several months- one week on and one week off.  I'm watching my calendar fill up with various events from Nick's 30th birthday to baby showers to dinner parties, and for each event I think "well, how am I going to be feeling that weekend".  To some extent, I still don't know since I change chemo drugs midway through my treatment.  Who knows how Taxol is going to treat me!  That is the nice thing about scheduling treatment for Mondays though- by the time the weekend comes around, I'm well on my way to feeling good, and the second weekend is back to "almost normal".  It makes it much easier to commit to various events knowing I won't be completely trashed.

But then I start thinking about being bald- during the summer no less.  One moment I think "screw it! I'm going to own it and just rock the bald look!" and the next I'm thinking that there is no way I can do that.  That thought is always followed by "well maybe it won't fall out..." which is dangerous thinking in my book.  In case you weren't sure- that does mean that my hair has not started falling out yet.  They say it takes about two weeks for that to happen, which we will hit on Monday.  Perhaps it will be the addition of the second treatment, or it is just a timing factor.  I'm not totally clear on how chemo works over time in that sense.  I just keep waiting, wondering when it is going to happen.

On a positive note, I'm feeling pretty confident that the tumor has already responded to the chemo.  I'll know for sure on Monday if my oncologist agrees with me.  What she says in this regard will be huge for my mental strength.  If she says what I'm thinking (that it has really responded well) I will feel that much more confident over the next few months.  I could really use that boost these days...  In the meantime- the sunshine this week really really helped.