Lonely or Alone

As I continue to settle into my new normal I am struggling with the realities of being alone, and at times, lonely.  Considering my mom only moved out at Thanksgiving, that was the beginning of me being actually alone.  I had a rough couple of weeks but then it was straight into the Christmas holidays which kept me busy.  Then after the new year I was busy with sick babies and prepping for my sister's baby shower.  Straight after I finished her shower, I went out of town for a girls trip to New Orleans.  So my true state of aloneness began after I returned from that trip.  Now I am feeling it deeply.  It is the little things.  For example, last night was trash night.  I completely forgot to take the trash out.  It is the first time I've forgotten so that is a win, but still, that means my trash won't be picked up until next week.  There is no one else here to remember that the trash needs to go out.  Or to do it if for some reason I'm not up for it.  If I cook, then I clean the kitchen.  I do all the laundry (and with two toddlers there is a LOT of laundry).  Although I certainly have a support system for the bigger stuff, it is the little every day minutiae that gets to me.  If I have a rough day with the kids, there is no one in my corner at the end of the night to decompress with.  No one to say "yeah, that's brutal, is there anything I can do to make tomorrow easier for you?" or even just give me a hug.  If the kids get sick in the middle of the night, I'm the only one there to deal with whatever the situation is.


All of this has left me feeling thoroughly lonely.  I've come to the conclusion that I wouldn't have ever chosen to live alone.  If I had taken a more traditional young adult path, I would have lived with family, friends or roommates at all times.  I believe in family and what it means.  I miss having family dinner.  Yes of course I can still do that with my kids, but lets be honest, the three of us spend all day together.  Family dinner doesn't serve the purpose I appreciated it for.  There is no one to check in with about their day. 


I've had a few rough moments dealing with the loneliness but overall am doing quite well.  It is bringing into focus what I want in my life though.  I knew I wanted a partner but now I understand it is more than that.  A partner to me means family.  I want a family life in my home.  I will have that again someday regardless of a partner coming in once my kids get a little older, but I would like it sooner than that.  I want to know that I have a teammate, and I want to be a teammate.  I look forward to that and value the family dynamic.  So for now I will learn to be lonely and alone and be okay with that.  It is okay that I am lonely and I simply don't like it.  It is okay that I am alone and don't want to be.  Life will go on and I will find my new normal.

DUFF

Tonight I went to see the Movie The DUFF.  It stars Mae Whitman (who I love from many things including Parenthood, and as the voice of Tinkerbell in all the Disney Fairies movies).  DUFF stands for Designated Ugly Fat Friend.  The movie itself was pretty typical teenage angst movie.  Predictable, but cute.  I laughed out loud several times.  Anyhow, this is not meant to be a movie review.  As I watched the movie I kept thinking to myself how I was the DUFF in high school.  As they introduced the two (hot) best friends of the main characters, I knew exactly who each girl was in my own high school life.  Then, lying in bed tonight, I realized that I still believe I am the DUFF when I go out with my friends.  I don't know that any of my friends think of me that way, but I definitely have had direct (recent) experiences where a guy talked to me to get to a friend of mine.  Ironically all of my friends are married, so it does them no good.  Anyhow as I thought about this, I realized that is a pretty terrible self perception.  Who am I to consider myself the ugly fat friend?  And what is worse, I know that when I am feeling that way, it is exactly who I become.  But I can think of many different subgroups of my friends where I am consistently the DUFF.  So how do I overcome this?  How do I stop being the DUFF and start being the person that others want to be around?  Guys want to date?  Girls want to befriend?  I actually think some of the advice given in the movie was good.  Laugh more.  Have fun.  Be yourself.  Dress to show who you are.  And make sure your clothes fit you well.


Anyhow, I'm sure that many of my friends would have at some point considered themselves the DUFF, so maybe it is all a matter of how we view ourselves.  Still, I'm fascinated that I carry this title with me into adulthood.  I think it is time to drop it.  I am just an F.  A good old fashioned F. lol =)

Onward and Upward

Well here we are.  I'm not sure why it has taken me so long to finally write this post, but I wasn't fully ready until now.


After several years of struggle, my marriage has ended.  I am not going to detail what happened here as I feel that it isn't appropriate blog fodder.  That is why I essentially stopped writing over the last two years.  I blamed it on being busy and having a baby and any other number of things, but the truth is simply that the biggest issue in my life was my marriage and I didn't feel like I could talk about it.  Suffice it to say that I fought hard for my marriage.  I have learned an incredible amount about what marriage takes and I look forward to finding my happily ever after someday where I can apply what I've learned.


This isn't new, so no notes of condolence are needed.  I just needed to take my time to let the dust settle a bit before I shared.  Hopefully now I can find my way to posting again with the candid honesty I've enjoyed in the past.  And also, my mom moved up to Oregon after Thanksgiving, so I am truly on my own with the kids.


With that said, I am working very hard to move on.  I am working on reclaiming my home.  Figuring out what a house that is all mine looks and feels like.  I have begun dating a bit- something I've never done as an adult.  At this point it is fun and entertaining.  I am admittedly lonely and finding managing a household with two children and two dogs, alone, to be a HUGE challenge.  But I have faith in my own strength to persevere and find my way.  And I'm guessing about the time I get a handle on how to do it alone, I will find a new partner to share my life with.


So truly, onward and upward.  I own my warrior status and carry my strength into life.  I'm hoping to lose that mantle soon though.  I'm ready to set my sword down and be done fighting.  I seek balance and peace and love.  And I trust fully that I will find it.


In the words of Maya Angelou,


Still I rise....

Still Alive

I know it has been months since I last posted.  I plan to change this soon.  In fact, I promise to update you soon on what has been keeping me busy.  This life is a beautiful mess indeed.  The good news is that I am finding my way back to me each and every day.  I'm in the process of rediscovering who I am, and who I want to be.  I am excited to be looking into going back to work part time.  My kids deserve to see a mom who works professionally as well as is present in their lives.  It is a crazy big undertaking but I have faith in myself.  And speaking of, if you happen to know of any part time positions out there, please keep me in mind!  I am beginning the process of reaching out.  We are getting ready for the idea that Bella will start kindergarten in the fall (though we still don't know where) and Gio will be ready for preschool.  Onward and upward into this beautiful, crazy, messy life.