As I continue to settle into my new normal I am struggling with the realities of being alone, and at times, lonely. Considering my mom only moved out at Thanksgiving, that was the beginning of me being actually alone. I had a rough couple of weeks but then it was straight into the Christmas holidays which kept me busy. Then after the new year I was busy with sick babies and prepping for my sister's baby shower. Straight after I finished her shower, I went out of town for a girls trip to New Orleans. So my true state of aloneness began after I returned from that trip. Now I am feeling it deeply. It is the little things. For example, last night was trash night. I completely forgot to take the trash out. It is the first time I've forgotten so that is a win, but still, that means my trash won't be picked up until next week. There is no one else here to remember that the trash needs to go out. Or to do it if for some reason I'm not up for it. If I cook, then I clean the kitchen. I do all the laundry (and with two toddlers there is a LOT of laundry). Although I certainly have a support system for the bigger stuff, it is the little every day minutiae that gets to me. If I have a rough day with the kids, there is no one in my corner at the end of the night to decompress with. No one to say "yeah, that's brutal, is there anything I can do to make tomorrow easier for you?" or even just give me a hug. If the kids get sick in the middle of the night, I'm the only one there to deal with whatever the situation is.
All of this has left me feeling thoroughly lonely. I've come to the conclusion that I wouldn't have ever chosen to live alone. If I had taken a more traditional young adult path, I would have lived with family, friends or roommates at all times. I believe in family and what it means. I miss having family dinner. Yes of course I can still do that with my kids, but lets be honest, the three of us spend all day together. Family dinner doesn't serve the purpose I appreciated it for. There is no one to check in with about their day.
I've had a few rough moments dealing with the loneliness but overall am doing quite well. It is bringing into focus what I want in my life though. I knew I wanted a partner but now I understand it is more than that. A partner to me means family. I want a family life in my home. I will have that again someday regardless of a partner coming in once my kids get a little older, but I would like it sooner than that. I want to know that I have a teammate, and I want to be a teammate. I look forward to that and value the family dynamic. So for now I will learn to be lonely and alone and be okay with that. It is okay that I am lonely and I simply don't like it. It is okay that I am alone and don't want to be. Life will go on and I will find my new normal.
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