Truly Honored

My sister has honored me greatly in her need to be "useful" in the face of "helplessness".  I don't feel comfortable sending this out via email or even posting it to my facebook wall since it is technically in my honor, but since I do believe this is a great cause, and I want to support my sister's efforts, I thought I would post it here.

I am a lucky girl to have such a wonderful sister.

A message from Sarah Wilhelm swilfly79@gmail.com. Please address all replies to swilfly79@gmail.com.

Dear Friends and Family,

As you many of you know, on February 24th my 29 year old sister Karey was diagnosed with breast cancer. Helplessness is not a feeling I sit in well so I have accepted the challenge and am participating in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in July in San Francisco. In honor and with love for my beautiful, brave and amazing sister I have set a goal of raising $2000. This is a goal that I would love to meet and surpass. I appreciate any and all donations that will help me reach my goal, support my sister and kick some cancer butt.

Did you know that every three minutes, another woman in the United States is diagnosed with breast cancer? I didn't, and I was shocked to learn how prevalent this horrible disease has become in this country. I am eager to get started with my fundraising and I need your support!

It is faster and easier than ever to support this great cause - you can make a donation online by simply clicking on the link at the bottom of this message. Whatever you can give will help! I truly appreciate your support and will keep you posted on my progress.

Thank you for your support; you really do make a difference.

With love and smiles,

Sarah Wilhelm         Click here to visit my personal page.

Sigh of Relief

With a diagnosis like Breast Cancer, everything really becomes relative.  With that said, today I got really great news.  I had additional diagnostic imaging done today.  I had mammograms done on both breasts as well as ultrasound on my right breast and lymphnodes.  These images were clear of additional cancer.  This is really great news.

Aside from the obvious factual good news aspect of this, it also has done wonders on my outlook.  I feel as though a mountain has been lifted off my shoulders.  Yes, I just received probably some of the worst news I could have thought of that was against all odds.  But I am slowly regaining some sense of strength to deal with this news, and today was a gigantic stride in that direction.  Now I feel like "one lump?  Pshhh- I can handle that!"

So the positivity returns. =)

Not all roses

I'm trying to be positive. Trying extremely hard. To be honest though- I'm terrified. Yes I'm strong. Yes I have all the reasons in the world to beat this. Yet here I am at 1am exhausted and unable to sleep. I am so anxious I don't know what to do with myself.

It is hard to "just trust" that everything will turn out when I just spent a week "trusting" and then getting the worst possible news. I'm terrified that I am going to go to my imaging appointment tomorrow (today) and they are going to find more cancer elsewhere. What if I didn't really catch it early? Or it just grows so insanely fast that it is as if it isn't early.

I hate posting this because I want my face to be one of courage but at the end of the day I think honesty is more important. So there you go. I'm scared. I am really, really, really scared. I pray that tomorrows results will give me the break I need to regain my faith that I won't beat every bad odd. With this luck I should be winning the lottery not fighting breast cancer!

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I need them.

Tornado

"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it." ~ Lena Horne

I only hope to learn how to carry this load in a way that makes me stronger, not weaker.

We are three and a half days into my diagnosis.  Day one, I spent most of the day crying or just trying to understand how it was possible that this had happened.  Day two I cried a little less and even had some "normal" time.  Day three, even less tears, but still no sense of reality.  I feel like I am standing in a tornado, desperately trying to grab a hold of something familiar and solid.  This coming week I have several appointments.  Monday afternoon additional diagnostic imaging which will hopefully show there is no cancer in the left breast or lymph nodes and also give a better measurement of it.  Wednesday morning I meet with the Fertility Preservation clinic at UCSF to establish my current fertility level, and discuss options for my future.  Wednesday afternoon I am supposed to be scheduled to meet with an Oncologist to discuss my game plan, and hopefully specifics about chemotherapy.  Next Monday is my MRI and sometime I should be scheduled for a PET scan.

The good news is that I am finally imagining a future after cancer.  After I received my diagnosis my future went blank.  I just couldn't imagine my life as a "cancer survivor".  Heck, I couldn't imagine that my reality, was real!  But today I was fantasizing about my thirtieth birthday (end of November) and how I'm going to throw a huge birthday\ "I kicked cancer's butt" party.  I mean huge.

In the meantime I am navigating what the next several months are going to look like with my sweet baby girl.  Isabella is getting ready to start crawling (scooting) any day now, with walking not far behind.  Talking is in the not too distant future.  And this summer- right in the middle of my chemotherapy- my sweet baby girl will turn 1 year old.  I am terrified of being incapacitated through these major milestones.  They will give me joy and something to focus on without question, but what if I am not able to be fully present and engaged in them?  Will I be able to chase after my little mover while fighting cancer by poisoning my body?  Is chemo really better than it used to be?

I know that many of these questions will be (somewhat) answered over the next week or two, but I can't help but worry.  I quit my job so that I could be a stay at home mom.  Now I'm looking at not being able to be the mom I intended to be- at least in the short term.  I know that ultimately it won't matter because I will be here in the long term.  Still it's hard to stomach that I may miss out on some of these precious moments with my baby.

So there are some of the fears plaguing me right now.  But every day I spend time with my sweet girl and remember that it is all worth it.  She is talking like you wouldn't believe, and even starting clapping yesterday!  She is so proud of herself when we join in and say "yay Bella!".  She is a smart, bright, shining light and I am so grateful to have her in my life.

Sharing The News

I just sent an email sharing our terrible, horrible, no good, very bad news.  It has all of the information in it that we know so far, so instead of writing a whole blog post on that, I am just going to copy the email.

Somebody please pinch me and wake me up from this nightmare.

Dearest Family and Friends,

This past week I received some news that has turned our world upside down and then some. I'm sorry to be sending this in an email, but I simply don't have it in me to have this conversation repeatedly, so please bear with me in this impersonal format.

On Thursday afternoon, February 24th, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

I still have more questions than answers regarding this, but here is what I know:

• It is ductal breast cancer which is the most common.
• It is about the size of a ping pong ball in my right breast.
• It is "triple negative" which means: "These subtypes of breast cancer are generally diagnosed based upon the presence, or lack of, three "receptors" known to fuel most breast cancers: estrogen receptors, progesterone receptors and human epidermal growth factor receptor 2 (HER2). The most successful treatments for breast cancer target these receptors. Unfortunately, none of these receptors are found in women with triple negative breast cancer. In other words, a triple negative breast cancer diagnosis means that the offending tumor is estrogen receptor-negative, progesterone receptor-negative and HER2-negative, thus giving rise to the name "triple negative breast cancer." On a positive note, this type of breast cancer is typically responsive to chemotherapy. Because of its triple negative status, however, triple negative tumors generally do not respond to receptor targeted treatments. Depending on the stage of its diagnosis, triple negative breast cancer can be particularly aggressive, and more likely to recur than other subtypes of breast cancer." (http://www.tnbcfoundation.org/understandingtnbc.htm)
• It was given a grade of 3 which means: "Based on the microscopic appearance of cancer cells, pathologists commonly describe tumor grade by four degrees of severity: Grades 1, 2, 3, and 4. The cells of Grade 1 tumors resemble normal cells, and tend to grow and multiply slowly. Grade 1 tumors are generally considered the least aggressive in behavior. Conversely, the cells of Grade 3 or Grade 4 tumors do not look like normal cells of the same type. Grade 3 and 4 tumors tend to grow rapidly and spread faster than tumors with a lower grade."  (http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/detection/tumor-grade) As I understand it from my pathology report, the cells do not look like their "normal" cell state and are really fast growing.
• We do not yet have a "stage" for the cancer which tells us how far advanced into the body it is. We have additional diagnostics to complete before we will know that. Currently the belief is that we caught this early which should mean it will be an early stage.

Here is what we know about our "game plan" to date:

• First things first, we need to gather all of the information. I have already had two ultrasounds and a biopsy of the mass. That is how we know what we know currently.
• Monday I will get additional ultrasound imaging of both breasts and the lymph nodes as well as diagnostic mammograms.
• Next Monday I will get an MRI.
• Sometime in the next week I will get a PET scan to confirm there is no cancer anywhere else in my body.
• I am working with the Fertility Preservation Center at UCSF in an effort to ensure our ability to expand our family once I've beaten this. Isabella needs a sibling after all (once we know her mommy is healthy again!). We aren't sure exactly what protocol we will follow but my age and known fertility are in my favor.
• We will start with Chemotherapy since this type of cancer is most receptive to it. Once the Chemo is complete (approx 4-5 months) the mass will be surgically removed.
• We are not sure which chemo will be used yet since we still don't have a complete prognosis/diagnosis. However, based on the information we have to date, the doctors think they want me on a trial through Stanford that is supposed to be highly effective and less brutal on my system. 

So there you go. I wish this wasn't news that I had to share. I keep saying I feel like I'm living in someone else's movie because it is all so surreal. I've "beat the odds" to be given this diagnosis since we have no direct family history and I'm so young. Hopefully that means that I will beat this quickly and get back to "normal" soon. As you can imagine we are all spinning from this situation. It is a lot to digest and right now we are just trying to get our feet under us. I am grateful to have so many wonderful people in our lives and will surely call on you as needed and appropriate. In the meantime your thoughts and prayers are welcome. We need all the good energy we can get!

I probably won't email frequent updates, but if you are interested, I will definitely keep writing in our family blog to let everyone know how we are doing and what is going on. You can follow that here: http://ourgauthierfamily.blogspot.com/

All our love,

Karey, Nick and Isabella

Body Betrayal

Today I was handed a sentence that I never could have imagined.  This isn't baby related, but will certainly affect our family so I am choosing to share.  Well at least I am writing this post today.  I may not post it for awhile, so I may have to update it as more is revealed.

Today I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

The story-
I pumped for the last time on New Years Eve.  At that point my supply had dropped to nearly non-existent, Bella was not nursing at all and strictly on bottles, and I was just carrying entirely too much guilt when I wasn't pumping.  So I had to decide to be done.  Despite my tiny milk supply, I knew there would be a little bit of "drying up" that I would have to go through.  On my right side, there was a lump developing that felt surely like a clogged milk duct.  I thought that I had softened it up a couple of times in the shower, releasing some milk.  So when I could no longer express any milk any longer, and the lump continued to grow, I assumed it was a truly clogged milk duct (i.e. galactacele).  I finally booked an appointment to see my new OB/GYN to have this addressed.

On February 9th I met with my new doctor who quickly agreed with my self diagnosis and ordered me a breast ultrasound which we expected would end in a fine needle aspiration.  The following Monday (Valentines Day) I visited the Marin Breast Cancer Center where they performed a breast ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech and Doctor concluded that it was clearly a cyst, and most likely a milk cyst (i.e. a galactacele as previously expected).  The Doctor was going to have me wait an additional 6 weeks to see if it would reabsorb.  I asked them to please not make me wait since it hurt and had already been there for about that amount of time.  So they booked me for a cyst aspiration for the following week!

Fast forward to yesterday, I went back to the Breast Center for what I believed would be a cyst aspiration.  The doctor set up with the ultrasound to navigate the needle in to drain what we all believed was milk.  He got the needle in, and discovered our galactacele was in fact solid.  So he changed course of action and moved to a core needle biopsy.  They took four samples and informed me that "it was almost definitely a fibroadanoma".  A fibroadanoma is a common benign tumor in young women and are dramatically affected by hormone changes.  The way it was described to me, it sounded the opposite from what happened to me (most women develop them during pregnancy or other high hormone periods and then they shrink after breastfeeding etc).  When I visited "Dr Google" last night, I managed to convince myself they were right.

Today, I was out to lunch when I received a phone call from my doctor.  Her message was bright and cheery but she asked me to call her back.  I was about to go home and figured I should wait until I was home and not driving.  During my drive home, the office called again (they had called the house during this time too) and the nurse told me they wanted me to come in "today" and could I be there at 3:50 (about an hour from the call).  I knew in my heart that this was not good news, despite not knowing my actual diagnosis yet.

So off to the doctor I went, with my mom, Isabella and Nick along with me.  Nick and I went in to talk to the doctor.  She explained that the biopsy came back abnormal and the cells were cancerous.  All we know beyond that is that it is "ductal" and that it was caught early.

Tomorrow I will meet with the surgeon to discuss our options.  I have additional diagnostics that need to be completed to confirm my diagnosis.  We need to be sure it is only in the right breast and not the left, and that it hasn't grown anywhere else, like the lymph nodes.

So there you go.  If my world hadn't already been insanely turned upside down, it is now.  I went from a married lady, to a pregnant woman dealing with Gestational Diabetes, to a new mom struggling with breastfeeding, to a future breast cancer survivor all within about a year and a half.  Let's hope this is the end of the hard stuff and we can just get life going happily.  I love my baby and want nothing more than to focus on raising her to be the amazing woman I know she will be.  To do that, I must beat this.

Great Adventure

Motherhood is truly a great adventure.  Every day I find I love Isabella more than I did the day before.  This morning I woke up to my little love talking away.  She is finding her consonants now (true babbling- dadadada, gagagaga, etc) and has SO much to say. So while I took an extra few minutes to wake up, Isabella sat on the bed next to me playing with her toys and telling me all kinds of stories.  No matter how tired I might be, it is impossible to not have a smile on my face with this sweet girl of mine.

I captured a little of her storytelling along with some good laughter while she played on the floor next to her dog Sadie.  It was a pretty cute moment to watch.  Enjoy!

Our Valentine

This is our beautiful Valentine.  She is the sweetest Valentine I have ever had.  The best part, Nick and I still get to be each other's Valentines, and yet have another Valentine in our sweet Isabella.  She made sure I knew she loved me first thing in the morning by taking an extra long morning nap and letting me sleep in!  Such a sweet girl.

In honor of the day of love, I thought I'd mention what's been on my mind the last couple of days.  I am truly, truly amazed at how much I love this little girl.  I literally love her more each and every day.  You hear this often about the love of a child, but it really will knock your socks off.  I've mentioned before that my heart breaks each and every day, and then grows larger with my love for Isabella.

I am so grateful to be mommy to this sweet little girl.  I hope you enjoyed as much love as I did on this Hallmark holiday!

Things they never told me...

I always knew that becoming a mom would rock my world.  I wasn't entirely sure how, or what that would look like, but I knew that it would be an incomprehensible change.  With that said, there are still some things that I'm amazed no one ever told me.  Or maybe I just couldn't understand it until now...

They never told me that having a baby would take my heart and move it outside my body.

They never told me that you would want nothing more than to hold this being as close to yourself as possible, while knowing you are doing a good job by watching them grow farther and farther away from you.

They never told me that my heart would swell to new proportions and break a little every single day.

They never told me that I would never be so scared in my whole life- all. the. time.

They never told me it would open my heart to all humanity.

They never told me it would break down so many of my walls, leaving me so raw and vulnerable- and never happier.

Having a baby is amazing.  Truly truly amazing.

Social Butterfly

Without question, Isabella is quite the social butterfly.  I have always known that she was- always laughing and smiling when we are out and about meeting new people, and constantly "making friends" wherever she goes.  This weekend though put any questions I may have had completely out of my head!

This Sunday was Superbowl and the three of us went to a friends Superbowl party.  There were a number of good friends there that she is familiar with, and so of course gladly hung out with them playing away.  What really showed me what a social butterfly my little miss is was how she acted with all of the strangers there.

Funny how time changes a crowd- whereas this particular Superbowl party was held at a bachelor's "party pad"- the introduction of a baby had all the girls swooning.  I'm fairly certain every lady at the party came up to Isabella at least once during the party, and most of them asked to hold her.  I'm generally pretty relaxed about letting other people hold Isabella, especially when we are in a setting like a party at a friends house.  I certainly wouldn't let a stranger on the street hold my baby, but a friend of a friend at their house?  Sure, why not.

So Isabella was passed around a fair amount throughout the day, and thanks to her intense curiosity of all things new, refused to nap all afternoon.  Despite her clear exhaustion, and fussiness whenever she was with me, every time a new and friendly face appeared, she was her happy magnanimous self.  I can't wait to see how this personality trait develops in this amazing little girl!

Six Months!

How appropriate- this is my 100th post and it is all about Isabella's first six months...

I am a few days late I realize, but Isabella turned six months old on January 23rd!  I can't believe how fast it has gone.  My baby is growing up so much every single day.  I thought I would give an update about where she is developmentally and what has happened in her first six months.

- She is sitting up almost entirely by herself now.  She can sit up very well and for quite a while, though will topple over eventually and can't get back up on her own.

- She has had two colds.  =(

- Officially in her own crib now, at least for the first half of the night!  (Mommy needs sleep too and too many trips down the hall, or a lengthy attempt to get Bella back to sleep does not bode well for the next day!)  She doesn't seem to mind going to sleep in her own crib at all.  If she was sleeping through the night I suspect we could take down the co-sleeper altogether.

- Isabella has a fabulous wardrobe that just keeps getting better!  A fashionista at 6 months!

- Bella's first plane trip was in December to Las Vegas!  She did great and LOVED the stimulation.  She also met Auntie Katie, Uncle Brian, and Cousins Vinnie and Dominic!  Dominic is only about 6 weeks older than Bella!

- The dogs are her favorite.  She loves saying hi to them and gets quite upset when they walk away from her.

- The car seat is no longer the enemy.  Usually Bella can entertain herself looking out the windows, playing with her toys, or just goes to sleep.  Thank goodness!  Mommy really couldn't take the screaming in the car much longer!

- Bella is still exceptionally social and LOVES to visit new people.  She does have moments of "stranger danger" from time to time though and turns on the waterworks if she is with anyone but mommy or daddy.

- We are taking a Sign and Sing class with the fabulous Susan Z and Bella LOVES the music.  She isn't signing back yet, but we're working on it.  I feel like it is starting to click a little.

- Isabella is very opinionated and lets you know quickly if she isn't happy with something.  I wouldn't call her a fussy baby, just a feisty one!

- Crawling is on the horizon, I can see it!  Whenever we go to music class or mommy group or anything with bigger babies/kids that are crawling or walking, Bella is desperate to get in on the action.  She doesn't mind being on her tummy at that time and she sits there flapping her arms and legs sure it is going to get her somewhere.  If she is standing or sitting, she wants to lunge out with the big kids!

- I am certain that Bella will be a talker.  She babbles so much and seems like she has so much to say!  It isn't her fault if I just can't understand her yet...

- Foods tried so far: Sweet potatoes, oatmeal, banana, avocado, apple sauce, pears, prunes, butternut squash and puffs.  She is only moderately interested in eating her own food so it is still just for the experience once a day.  She still loves to watch other people eat though, so hopefully as she gets bigger and can handle larger foods, she will get more interested.  As they say, no one goes to college still drinking formula! =)

- Bella is much happier going out of the house during the day than staying in all day, no matter how much mommy tries to play with her.  She is just a social little girl and loves the added stimulation!  I see many playgroups and classes in our future to keep mommy sane!

That's all I can think of for now.  Isabella is such a joy to be around.  She is so feisty but such a happy baby.  She loves to laugh and smile and can have a good time doing just about anything.  She is incredibly opinionated, but lets face it- no one is surprised by that.  The apple certainly doesn't fall far from the tree (either of them!).  She is just a little love though.

I can't imagine my life without her anymore, and truly can't wait to watch her grow up and into the wonderful person I am certain she will be.  I am sad probably daily at how quickly time is going already and wonder where my tiny baby went, but it is a real joy seeing this person emerge.  I feel lucky to know her already.

In Pictures: The first 6 months.

Isabella has grown and changed SO much in just six months, so here is a photo re-cap for you!




Still in Mommy's tummy!




Just Born- 7/23 11:59 a.m.




All cleaned up on my birth day!



Two days old and time to go home!

Finally home and feeling so good!

Just about a week and showing support for Daddy's team.

Not quite two weeks and such a beauty.

My first bath!!!

Photo shoot for my birth announcement- still only two weeks old!

Poor girl- that pesky baby acne was just awful, but so sweet when sleeping all the same!

Another bath and I'm starting to laugh and smile!

This was my first favorite toy!  The bugs are the best!

Getting ready for Halloween (and already mugging for the camera!).  Strike a pose!

Picking out pumpkins with Cousin Mia!

Cheeky monkey!  Just over 4 months old and living it up in Las Vegas!

Walking already!?!  No, but strong enough to stand with a little help from mommy and daddy!

Such a big girl, but still falls asleep anywhere when she really needs to!

Santa!  It's time for Christmas!

Always on the go!  My Johnny Jump Up is a fun toy!



 

So big and strong and such a beauty.

Six months old!  Can't wait to see what the next six months bring!