Betrayal or something like it

I've talked about friendship recently, acknowledging that as with all major life transitions, divorce brings about a change in those relationships in your life. I have been immensely grateful for the people who have held me up throughout this process. I have some amazing friends. Truly.

With that said, as I've mentioned before, I have also lost some people. Up until this point I believed it was mostly circumstantial and less an actual choice. I wouldn't expect his best friend to choose me for example. However, tonight, I realized that for some, it was very much an active choice. They not only chose to keep him in their lives, but they chose to discard me.

For the most part I had been feeling ok at the lost friendships. Chalked them up to a time and place for all things. We served important places in each others lives and that need was apparently no longer there. But now that I'm seeing the choices being made, I'm feeling pretty betrayed. It leaves me asking (what I'm clear is the wrong question)- "what is wrong with me that someone would choose a liar and cheater over me?"... Yes I know, that is illogical logic. But it is emotional and the simple truth is that I'm hurt. I want to be chosen of course. Divorce is hard enough. Add on the lies and the cheating, its terrible. Add on the post divorce brutality of having to hear my children talk about his affair partner on a constant loop, and it is barely survivable. To then have friends  not choose me? I'm feeling a little broken.

As far as I'm concerned it speaks more to their characters that they would choose him knowing the story. So knowing that, frankly, they can all have one another. Still, that doesn't make it hurt any less.

So what is the lesson I need to learn from not being chosen over and over again in my life? Choose myself? Great, I am! I have never fought so hard for my own life before ever. I am finding myself and building my life. I am choosing me again and again. When does the lesson end? When do I finally get to stop screaming inside "pick me! Pick me!"? Even my kids are starting to push that button. It is exhausting. And heartbreaking. But I will survive. And someday I know I will look back and understand why it was all worth it.

Ego Bashing

Between divorce and dating my ego has taken a thorough bashing over the last couple of weeks.  I'm not sure what it is about me but for some reason online dating seems to only bring me men that want to sleep with me.  Not even take me on a date first, just sleep with me.  Although at first that wasn't an issue because I needed that sexual confidence again; to believe that I was desirable and had something interesting to offer.  Now though I just want more.  Not the next love of my life, but someone who wants to hang out with me.  Go to dinner or a show, or anything really.  The intimacy is a natural part of it, but apparently the other is hard to find.  I frankly don't understand it.  I'm not looking for love and marriage here- what's wrong with a little food or drink together?


Meanwhile I've had to spend all this time with the ex this week as we prepare the house for sale.  I was reminded what a great team we make.  How many memories we share.  We even had some really good conversations about things moving forward that needed to happen.  At one point we were talking about painting and what a pain it is.  He was making fun of himself (he is really not good at painting) and commented on how he did a bad job the first time he painted the family room and that's when he was trying to do a good job to impress me.  I laughed and said "you never tried to impress me"... He said he did.  That all his "little projects" around the house, there was always a piece that was trying to impress me.  When he said this it broke my heart.  Further proof of how terrible our communication and understanding of one another was.  I truly never felt that anything he did was about me.  I didn't feel like he was trying to impress me in any way.  He did what suited him and possibly factored me in, but that was the extent.  Don't get me wrong, occasionally there were things he did for me of course, but I definitely never felt as though he was trying to impress me.  If only he knew how much I loved him then.  The people we have become today definitely do not belong together.  But that love, in the past, was real and powerful... And then he called his girlfriend.  Yeah.  That hurt.


And this is where my stupid ego comes into play again.  I don't want a relationship and all it entails.  Not right now.  But I want someone calling me, wanting to see me and spend time with me.  And I don't have that.  Not like that.  I am blessed to have amazing friends and family that fill that hole currently, but it is different.  Having that one person who just wants to make you smile, and you feel the same.  That's special.


So I go back to the dating world.  The "friends" I have are all wrapped up in their own lives right now.  No one is seeking me out.  The only guys reaching out to me want sex and nothing more.  And the one guy I was connected to that I actually felt some chemistry with, ended up reacting to me almost identically to my ex, which sent me into those old habits and behaviors.  Suffice it to say, I will not be seeing him again.  Not that he was really trying to see me any way.  And that's what sucks.  New guys come around.  They are interested for a minute, and then disappear.  Some pursue me with great vigor and even make a date, and then just stop replying.  Others never make it to actually asking me out but suddenly a switch is flipped and they turn into horny sex monsters.  Who send inappropriate pictures of themselves.  Or they're in prison.  Or married.  Or out of the country... Yeah so my ego is a little messed up right now. 


Of course this isn't where my energy or attention needs to be.  It needs to be on preparing my house for sale, and moving, and starting my business.  But everyone needs a little pick me up, a little distraction from time to time.  Something to spur me on through what is easily the hardest thing I've done maybe ever.  I don't want to move.  I don't want to walk away from the life that I had.  I realize it was broken, but I would have fixed it.  It didn't belong in the trash.  But that is where I am finding myself.  Alone.  In a house far too big for me.  With kids that don't even seem to like me most days (why would they when dad's house is so much more fun)...  This too shall pass, right???

Busy busy bee!

I haven't forgotten my resolve to continue to write more often.  I have just been so incredibly busy preparing our house for sale.  Packing, cleaning, painting... It is a major undertaking!  And more than a little emotional for me.  On top of all of that I have some really exciting things in the works that I will share more about once they become a bit more real. 


One thing I am doing is supporting my dear friend Bianca's awesome creation Real Mommy Confessions.  She created an original webseries about the confessions that real moms have during every day life.  The first season is done (see it here!) and they are working on season two.  While Bianca was here visiting this past month, I noticed she was struggling to carry the weight of this massive undertaking and I offered to help her with her instagram account.  From there we have begun working on a better social media game plan.  She has already rocked it with Facebook and Twitter, but we can do more!  So follow Real Mommy Confessions on all of those platforms if you are on them!  Our promise is to try and find the comedy in the chaos and offer a laugh or two while still be honest about what it takes to be a mom.


I am also beginning to write more for public consumption.  I have built a new blog called Karey Too that will focus less on the specifics of my life, and more my ideas, views, philosophies, or funny stories.  I haven't written much, really only one thing so far, but check it out! =)  I'll still write here about my kids and my personal life, but it may be less frequent.

Cancer Update

I just realized that I never posted the update regarding my biopsy!  I don't have cancer!  lol  Hopefully you assumed that since I wasn't writing at all.  I did have to have a biopsy.  I went in, brought my dad with me for moral support, and of course they were ridiculously behind so we waited... and waited.... and waited...  Once they brought me in they informed me that they were going to try to simply aspirate the "mass" because they believed it was fat.  This is the difference between a pretty solid mass and a not so solid mass from what I can tell.  They can aspirate something that is not so solid, but if it is solid they need to do a core needle biopsy and leave a tracker so they know where they were.  Well in my case they were able to aspirate the whole thing!  The doctor looked at the "mass" in the tube, looked at me and said "it's fat.  I still have to send it in, but it's fat"... I got the call and yes indeed, it was totally and completely benign.  They barely even had to put a bandaid on the spot they poked.


So although life continues to be completely and totally insane for me, it is not my health that is an issue.  Hooray!  And I even get to wait a full year before my next MRI.  Good news all around.