I've talked about friendship recently, acknowledging that as with all major life transitions, divorce brings about a change in those relationships in your life. I have been immensely grateful for the people who have held me up throughout this process. I have some amazing friends. Truly.
With that said, as I've mentioned before, I have also lost some people. Up until this point I believed it was mostly circumstantial and less an actual choice. I wouldn't expect his best friend to choose me for example. However, tonight, I realized that for some, it was very much an active choice. They not only chose to keep him in their lives, but they chose to discard me.
For the most part I had been feeling ok at the lost friendships. Chalked them up to a time and place for all things. We served important places in each others lives and that need was apparently no longer there. But now that I'm seeing the choices being made, I'm feeling pretty betrayed. It leaves me asking (what I'm clear is the wrong question)- "what is wrong with me that someone would choose a liar and cheater over me?"... Yes I know, that is illogical logic. But it is emotional and the simple truth is that I'm hurt. I want to be chosen of course. Divorce is hard enough. Add on the lies and the cheating, its terrible. Add on the post divorce brutality of having to hear my children talk about his affair partner on a constant loop, and it is barely survivable. To then have friends not choose me? I'm feeling a little broken.
As far as I'm concerned it speaks more to their characters that they would choose him knowing the story. So knowing that, frankly, they can all have one another. Still, that doesn't make it hurt any less.
So what is the lesson I need to learn from not being chosen over and over again in my life? Choose myself? Great, I am! I have never fought so hard for my own life before ever. I am finding myself and building my life. I am choosing me again and again. When does the lesson end? When do I finally get to stop screaming inside "pick me! Pick me!"? Even my kids are starting to push that button. It is exhausting. And heartbreaking. But I will survive. And someday I know I will look back and understand why it was all worth it.
With that said, as I've mentioned before, I have also lost some people. Up until this point I believed it was mostly circumstantial and less an actual choice. I wouldn't expect his best friend to choose me for example. However, tonight, I realized that for some, it was very much an active choice. They not only chose to keep him in their lives, but they chose to discard me.
For the most part I had been feeling ok at the lost friendships. Chalked them up to a time and place for all things. We served important places in each others lives and that need was apparently no longer there. But now that I'm seeing the choices being made, I'm feeling pretty betrayed. It leaves me asking (what I'm clear is the wrong question)- "what is wrong with me that someone would choose a liar and cheater over me?"... Yes I know, that is illogical logic. But it is emotional and the simple truth is that I'm hurt. I want to be chosen of course. Divorce is hard enough. Add on the lies and the cheating, its terrible. Add on the post divorce brutality of having to hear my children talk about his affair partner on a constant loop, and it is barely survivable. To then have friends not choose me? I'm feeling a little broken.
As far as I'm concerned it speaks more to their characters that they would choose him knowing the story. So knowing that, frankly, they can all have one another. Still, that doesn't make it hurt any less.
So what is the lesson I need to learn from not being chosen over and over again in my life? Choose myself? Great, I am! I have never fought so hard for my own life before ever. I am finding myself and building my life. I am choosing me again and again. When does the lesson end? When do I finally get to stop screaming inside "pick me! Pick me!"? Even my kids are starting to push that button. It is exhausting. And heartbreaking. But I will survive. And someday I know I will look back and understand why it was all worth it.
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