Have you ever been kicked out of a family? Not disowned but just no longer included? I am experiencing that now.
It is a really confusing experience. On the one hand, I have individual relationships with all of these people who I have loved for the last 16 plus years. I know that they love me and I love them. I am even still treated like family on an individual level- dinners together, some event invitations, and kind words spoken when together. But then there is the family at large experience. Because of the nature of the split between my ex and I, we can only attend events simultaneously if he does not bring his girlfriend (aka the woman he cheated on me with for nearly three years). As a result, what is happening, is I am no longer invited. He gets the initial invitation. We find out his plans- if he plans to attend, and if so is he bringing her. Once that is sorted out, I may get an invite.
This weekend his family planned a major reunion. It doesn't matter that I was a part of this family for 16 years. It doesn't matter that my children are actual members of this bloodline. I was not invited. I was catching up with his mom (as we have a great relationship) and she mentioned she would love it if the kids could be there. I have them for the weekend, so did I mind bringing them. I told her I would be happy to provided that he wasn't bringing her. (Though frankly part of me is ready to say eff it and say it is my weekend with the kids and if they want them there I will bring them. See how she handles being in my face with people who love me and disrespect her...) I said I was going to see him and would ask him if he planned to attend. He said he was. Safe to assume he was taking her. He is.
So now my ex mother in law has requested he bring our children. I get that and support them being with their (no longer our) family. And now I want to cry. Because I have officially been cut out of the family. Blood is thicker than water. He is theirs and always will be. I am not.
It hurts.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Trying to trust, but really FREAKING OUT
So life is pretty overwhelming for me right now. I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout of the end of my marriage. He is with the woman he had an affair with and I am reminded every single day. My kids talk about her and her daughter. Old friends are spending time with them. I have to remember that he isn't only thinking about himself and me and our kids, because he has a new partner that is in his ear about life decisions. If I make a "bad" move or choice, it just adds fuel to the fire for why I shouldn't be taken care of. I am on the edge of breaking every single day. But somehow I find the strength to carry on, hold my head up, and start over each morning. I'm not wishing to win him back, but I miss what I thought I had every day. I have a moment of sadness for future lost every day.
Meanwhile I am in the process of trying to sell the house. The house that was supposed to be our family home. The house that we bought together to have and raise our children in. To hold our family holidays in. The house that was our home. The house he left me in. Once alone in this house, I actually have come to love it a great deal. I see things I would do differently. I envision a backyard to play in. Lights strung up across the pool. Family photos on the walls. But instead I did what I could to clean it up and placed it for sale. I am going insane keeping it "show" ready daily. Trying to wrap my brain around holding it open for the third week in a row. Meanwhile I'm getting the feedback that it needs too many updates, and has a bad layout. Really? Well okay, yes, it is "out of date" but it is livable, and has newer appliances and the bathrooms and kitchen have been remodeled- they aren't original or anything. And we put quite a bit of work in too. It isn't in "need" of anything. It may not be pretty, but it isn't grotesque. And there is more than enough room for anyone. They just don't have the imagination for it. I know, it only takes on buyer but seriously. So frustrating. And that our "competition" sold immediately, with two offers... Ugh... We shouldn't have been priced the same. But there is nothing I can do about that now. I just have to wait. And trust.
And then there is kindergarten. Had another reminder today. Got a letter from the school she is registered at based on our current residence. That we are selling. And moving out of. The school I don't really want her to go to. But I'm not in contract anywhere else. And the house I want won't even consider an offer from me because I'm not even in contract on my house. And school starts in less than two weeks. So what do I do?????????? Move in with my friends who are in the district that I believe we will end up in? Register her based on that? Move her later? Why in the world is school starting so flipping early??????????????????
Then there is this business that I am starting. And NEED to start because we really need the income. I am so worried that I don't have what it takes. It is taking so much to set it up that I am feeling totally inadequate. What if I screw it up? I really need this to work. I fully admit that part of me is thinking I should just forget about it, start applying for jobs again, and accept whatever is out there... But I have passion behind my idea so I don't want to give up yet. I want it to work out. I want it to be amazing. But I am so scared...
I have more balls in the air than I know what to do with. And I'd really just like to be held and told it will all be okay. And that I am loved and loveable. And worth fighting for. And not easy to leave. I have spent the last year plus fighting so hard to love myself, and see myself, and really get the life I deserve. But I fully admit that some days I still don't believe I deserve it. And my insides still hurt so badly. I choose to fight for myself because I am worth it. Days like today though, I really really wish I had someone to fight for me every so often.
Meanwhile I am in the process of trying to sell the house. The house that was supposed to be our family home. The house that we bought together to have and raise our children in. To hold our family holidays in. The house that was our home. The house he left me in. Once alone in this house, I actually have come to love it a great deal. I see things I would do differently. I envision a backyard to play in. Lights strung up across the pool. Family photos on the walls. But instead I did what I could to clean it up and placed it for sale. I am going insane keeping it "show" ready daily. Trying to wrap my brain around holding it open for the third week in a row. Meanwhile I'm getting the feedback that it needs too many updates, and has a bad layout. Really? Well okay, yes, it is "out of date" but it is livable, and has newer appliances and the bathrooms and kitchen have been remodeled- they aren't original or anything. And we put quite a bit of work in too. It isn't in "need" of anything. It may not be pretty, but it isn't grotesque. And there is more than enough room for anyone. They just don't have the imagination for it. I know, it only takes on buyer but seriously. So frustrating. And that our "competition" sold immediately, with two offers... Ugh... We shouldn't have been priced the same. But there is nothing I can do about that now. I just have to wait. And trust.
And then there is kindergarten. Had another reminder today. Got a letter from the school she is registered at based on our current residence. That we are selling. And moving out of. The school I don't really want her to go to. But I'm not in contract anywhere else. And the house I want won't even consider an offer from me because I'm not even in contract on my house. And school starts in less than two weeks. So what do I do?????????? Move in with my friends who are in the district that I believe we will end up in? Register her based on that? Move her later? Why in the world is school starting so flipping early??????????????????
Then there is this business that I am starting. And NEED to start because we really need the income. I am so worried that I don't have what it takes. It is taking so much to set it up that I am feeling totally inadequate. What if I screw it up? I really need this to work. I fully admit that part of me is thinking I should just forget about it, start applying for jobs again, and accept whatever is out there... But I have passion behind my idea so I don't want to give up yet. I want it to work out. I want it to be amazing. But I am so scared...
I have more balls in the air than I know what to do with. And I'd really just like to be held and told it will all be okay. And that I am loved and loveable. And worth fighting for. And not easy to leave. I have spent the last year plus fighting so hard to love myself, and see myself, and really get the life I deserve. But I fully admit that some days I still don't believe I deserve it. And my insides still hurt so badly. I choose to fight for myself because I am worth it. Days like today though, I really really wish I had someone to fight for me every so often.
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