The past few weeks have been a bit tumultuous for me. I think as the mountain play was coming to an end and I started to get my brain back from that, which unfortunately left a little too much room for all of the other realities I just haven't really dealt with.
As you may recall, I was on anti-depressants during and after my radiation treatments. I weaned myself off as soon as I found out I was pregnant since it is a class C drug (aka not tested enough, and what has been tested has shown negative consequences when used in the third trimester). Mostly I felt good about it and didn't experience any negative consequences. Now the reality of my emotional state has hit again. I've realized that the truth is I probably should in fact still be on something, but the few things that are safe during pregnancy are not effective for me. So I wait. And deal. Which is hard.
The causes aren't important, mostly since they are silly things or surface things that wouldn't normally send me into a tailspin. Unfortunately the effect has been all of my insecurities, both old and new, have been brought to the surface. The old stuff is just that, nothing new, old issues that I knew still existed in varying degrees. I believe as people we all have our damages and hopefully we can be aware of them and hopefully deal with them as we grow. These things are mine. I've made some progress through the years, and still have a way to go. The new things are the effects of becoming a mom, having cancer, and quitting my professional life. Primarily, the ones that surprised me are from cancer.
The level of mortality that I experience now comes as little surprise. I essentially have PTSD and haven't yet dealt with it. I thought I had a little time since the pregnancy snapped me out of it, but apparently I need to get into counseling to deal with it before this baby arrives. It is stronger than I thought.
What has surprised me in the last couple of weeks are the feelings of being damaged goods. My surgery and subsequent deformity was never a real issue. Sure, every so often I would try to dress up, or just be having a bad day and would be annoyed that I am so uneven. But with the right bra and a little stuffing, I could hide it. Plus, I'm not done yet. I still haven't had reconstruction and believe that once that is done, things will look so much better. So it is a temporary deformity in many ways. The last couple of weeks have made me realize that simply isn't true. Even if my breasts "look better" after reconstruction, they will no longer work "correctly". My right side will never look the same. And even if all of that proves untrue with some amazing plastic surgery, I still have this reality that I had cancer. I could have it again. It is now, and forever will be, a part of who I am. This on top of the body issues I bring from my past makes me a little bit of a basket case.
The pregnancy sadly isn't helping. For many women, pregnancy is hard. Physically it is draining. I am tired, I hurt, I get sick easily, and some days it is all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. This coming after a year of cancer treatments that did the same thing, after several months of being a new mom and suffering from zero sleep and emotional drain, and that after my first pregnancy. I feel like I am on my third year of being broken. It gets old.
So the summary for me right now is that I am feeling mortal and terrified, damaged, and broken. Nice combo right? I'm working on it and have faith that it will be fine. For now I am just taking it one day at a time. Or sometimes one hour at a time. Whatever it takes to get through the day.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
A Minor Scare
This morning I had to call one of my cancer doctors. Over the past four or five days I have been having a fair amount of swelling and even felt a lump. My head told me that I had nothing to worry about that it felt like a swollen lymph node or some other similar swollen tissue. With the heat and activity I've had going on, a little edema would be normal in my body, and this is even more expected in the still healing post-op, post-radiation area of my body that was swollen. Still, once you've received the worse case news when you aren't expecting it, you can't shake the feeling that it could happen again. I gave it a couple of days to go away on its own (well the weekend since I couldn't do anything then anyway). It didn't. So Monday morning I called my breast surgeon (who I just saw last Tuesday) and left a message explaining what I was feeling and that although my gut said it was nothing, I was reaching crazy a little bit. The office manager called me back almost immediately and set me up to come in later in the day. My mom and Bella came with me for moral support, just in case the result was "let's biopsy to be sure its nothing". Gratefully, not only was it "nothing" but we couldn't even find the lump (either one of us, and we really tried). The swelling is still there, though down today. Because I am at risk of lymphedema on that side of my body, I will go back to my doctor on Monday to confirm it is gone, or figure out what to do if not. We also discussed what I might have felt, and she confirmed it was most likely a swollen lymphnode. I hadn't trusted that primarily because of the location. I've always had it in my brain that lymphnodes are in your armpit, but the truth is that they are really midway in your armpit and then they go out to your breastpit (yes I just made that up- you know, the little spot in the front of your body that is right next to your armpit).
Anyhow I admit to freaking out quite a bit, though did manage to keep it mostly in check. Hopefully any time something like this comes up for me in the future, I'll be able to keep the fear in check. This is all still new and it is easy to forget that.
Anyhow I admit to freaking out quite a bit, though did manage to keep it mostly in check. Hopefully any time something like this comes up for me in the future, I'll be able to keep the fear in check. This is all still new and it is easy to forget that.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Speaking From Experience- Breast Cancer
About a month ago I was asked by my cancer center if I would be interested in participating in a filmed interview about my experience with cancer. They are working with a health media company to put together a resource for newly diagnosed patients (and friends and family) and thought that I might be a good person to use. Of course I was happy to help and went ahead and scheduled my interview.
Today was the actual event. I did my best to prep for the camera (in other words, I actually put on make-up, chose an appropriate top, and attempted to do my hair). Then I bustled Bella and I out the door. I arrived at my appointment time a little early (mostly because I had decided it was half an hour earlier than it was for some strange reason), and was guided into the back room. I hadn't spent much time thinking about what exactly I wanted to say, or how I wanted to portray my story. I trusted that as they asked me questions I would have the answers readily available, and the story would tell itself. What I wasn't sure about was how my emotions would treat me in the process.
They walked me through the basics of what they wanted to cover- what life was like before diagnosis, what the diagnosis was like, how treatment when, and how does life look now. After all that was done we would cover the clinic and my experience related to that. I had to try and incorporate the question into the answer (since the interviewer will be edited out) and leave out specifics (like names and actual drug names etc). All of that came relatively easy for me.
I can't tell you exactly what I said. I simply cannot remember. My anxiety was oddly high as I shared my story, surely because I knew I was on camera. Had it been someone writing a story, or some other type of interview, I suspect I wouldn't have been nervous at all. The worst of it (from what I can tell) was there was a fair amount of nervous laughter from my end. Hopefully it comes off more that I'm not "stuck" in the negativity of cancer, and not that I'm a crazy person. =)
I think my story was one of hope. To me, cancer has just been a stop on my journey. Not much different than pregnancy, or college, or supporting my grandmother through the last year of her life while she fought brain cancer. It wasn't something I necessarily wanted to do, often wasn't fun, but offered many gifts along the way as long as I was open to them. At least I hope that is what I portrayed.
Most interesting for me was how readily available the emotions of my diagnosis were. As I told the story of receiving the phone calls the day I was diagnosed, I could picture myself driving, exiting the freeway, calling my mom and Nick and knowing that the worst news was about to be delivered. I teared up a little as I told the story. No tears fell, but it was all right there, as if it had happened yesterday. Once we were beyond that part of the story, it was often funny, at least in retrospect, or simply what was. There wasn't a whole lot of emotional charge to the rest of the story. Even as I talked about hitting my low point after surgery. I still struggle with thoughts of mortality, and am prepared to go back on antidepressants once I have delivered and breastfed this baby. I'm doing well, but have recognized that it is a little harder than I think it should be. The weight on my chest is a little heavier than I would like it to be. But even as I talked about some of these things, it was still just another part of the story. The diagnosis was the moment that my life changed. Or not even the diagnosis really, but the moment I knew what they were going to say. The moment I answered the second call from my doctors office telling me I needed to come in that afternoon.
As the years go on I anticipate my perspective on this past year will change. Different moments may come into sharper focus, and many things will likely blur with time. I think though, that one moment may never change. It is so clear, so focused, so present in my mind and body. Not a moment I've spent much time thinking about, but it seems to be the moment of all of this.
Once I am able (assuming it will be available publicly) I will share the video. It will likely be a couple of months before I even see a rough cut, but I will post it once I can! Another day, eh?
Today was the actual event. I did my best to prep for the camera (in other words, I actually put on make-up, chose an appropriate top, and attempted to do my hair). Then I bustled Bella and I out the door. I arrived at my appointment time a little early (mostly because I had decided it was half an hour earlier than it was for some strange reason), and was guided into the back room. I hadn't spent much time thinking about what exactly I wanted to say, or how I wanted to portray my story. I trusted that as they asked me questions I would have the answers readily available, and the story would tell itself. What I wasn't sure about was how my emotions would treat me in the process.
They walked me through the basics of what they wanted to cover- what life was like before diagnosis, what the diagnosis was like, how treatment when, and how does life look now. After all that was done we would cover the clinic and my experience related to that. I had to try and incorporate the question into the answer (since the interviewer will be edited out) and leave out specifics (like names and actual drug names etc). All of that came relatively easy for me.
I can't tell you exactly what I said. I simply cannot remember. My anxiety was oddly high as I shared my story, surely because I knew I was on camera. Had it been someone writing a story, or some other type of interview, I suspect I wouldn't have been nervous at all. The worst of it (from what I can tell) was there was a fair amount of nervous laughter from my end. Hopefully it comes off more that I'm not "stuck" in the negativity of cancer, and not that I'm a crazy person. =)
I think my story was one of hope. To me, cancer has just been a stop on my journey. Not much different than pregnancy, or college, or supporting my grandmother through the last year of her life while she fought brain cancer. It wasn't something I necessarily wanted to do, often wasn't fun, but offered many gifts along the way as long as I was open to them. At least I hope that is what I portrayed.
Most interesting for me was how readily available the emotions of my diagnosis were. As I told the story of receiving the phone calls the day I was diagnosed, I could picture myself driving, exiting the freeway, calling my mom and Nick and knowing that the worst news was about to be delivered. I teared up a little as I told the story. No tears fell, but it was all right there, as if it had happened yesterday. Once we were beyond that part of the story, it was often funny, at least in retrospect, or simply what was. There wasn't a whole lot of emotional charge to the rest of the story. Even as I talked about hitting my low point after surgery. I still struggle with thoughts of mortality, and am prepared to go back on antidepressants once I have delivered and breastfed this baby. I'm doing well, but have recognized that it is a little harder than I think it should be. The weight on my chest is a little heavier than I would like it to be. But even as I talked about some of these things, it was still just another part of the story. The diagnosis was the moment that my life changed. Or not even the diagnosis really, but the moment I knew what they were going to say. The moment I answered the second call from my doctors office telling me I needed to come in that afternoon.
As the years go on I anticipate my perspective on this past year will change. Different moments may come into sharper focus, and many things will likely blur with time. I think though, that one moment may never change. It is so clear, so focused, so present in my mind and body. Not a moment I've spent much time thinking about, but it seems to be the moment of all of this.
Once I am able (assuming it will be available publicly) I will share the video. It will likely be a couple of months before I even see a rough cut, but I will post it once I can! Another day, eh?
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Isabella
I realized today that I haven't written too much about Isabella lately and since she is worthy of a blog all about her (isn't that where this started after all???), I thought I would just give a little update on my sweet girl.
Isabella is truly a toddler now. She talks up a storm, and wants to do most everything herself these days. Some days I look at her and can't believe how much she has grown. She is wearing 3T clothing so most people think she is much older than she is (especially with how much she talks).
She is kind, generous, funny, strong willed, opinionated and independent. She loves to play in water, with dolls, blocks, and ride her bikes (tricycle, scooter and other riding items). She especially loves to read books. She has recently learned the phrase "want to" as in "I don't want to" or "I want to". This has been a fun addition to our world since she now further expresses her displeasure when we are telling her she may not do something, or needs to do something. Although in my weaker moments it kills me a little, most of the time I can appreciate her grasp of the concept (and think it is pretty cute too).
I am just so blessed to have this amazing person in my life. She makes me laugh daily and is easily the sweetest, most loving person I have ever met. I can't wait to see how she grows even more as a big sister when her little brother joins us. In the mean time, I look forward to the time we have with just Bella.
Isabella is truly a toddler now. She talks up a storm, and wants to do most everything herself these days. Some days I look at her and can't believe how much she has grown. She is wearing 3T clothing so most people think she is much older than she is (especially with how much she talks).
She is kind, generous, funny, strong willed, opinionated and independent. She loves to play in water, with dolls, blocks, and ride her bikes (tricycle, scooter and other riding items). She especially loves to read books. She has recently learned the phrase "want to" as in "I don't want to" or "I want to". This has been a fun addition to our world since she now further expresses her displeasure when we are telling her she may not do something, or needs to do something. Although in my weaker moments it kills me a little, most of the time I can appreciate her grasp of the concept (and think it is pretty cute too).
I am just so blessed to have this amazing person in my life. She makes me laugh daily and is easily the sweetest, most loving person I have ever met. I can't wait to see how she grows even more as a big sister when her little brother joins us. In the mean time, I look forward to the time we have with just Bella.
Bath time fun!
Happy girl in her new big girl bed!
My shining beauty
Pregnancy Questionnaire 20 weeks
How far along? 20 Weeks - Halfway!!!!
How big is baby? 7 inches, 11 ounces- Getting big!
Total weight gain/loss: Still down. Still not tracking this. =)
Maternity clothes? Exclusively. In fact the few non-maternity pants I could still wear are now getting tight... Guess I'm going to have to invest in some more options for the summer!
Sleep: Starting to really feel the pregnancy now. I've started using pillows to make sleep a little easier on my body and have a pregnancy pillow on its way. I really hope it helps like it should!
Best moment this week: Having our anatomy scan
Movement: Little boy is getting more active for sure. I have an anterior placenta as I mentioned before which limits what I feel a bit, but I feel him more and more every day.
Food cravings: None really. Just hungry most of the day!
Food Aversions: none other than the occasional aversion to a strong smell (onions, garlic, etc)
Gender: It's a boy!!!!
Labor Signs: none
Pregnancy Symptoms: Constant pain as my bones and ligaments give in to the relaxin already flooding my body, can't lay on my stomach, occasional (mild gratefully) heartburn, constant hunger, extra fatigue... Probably more but those are the most prevalent today!
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Being able to override and "just do" without consequences. Tonight I wanted to take a family walk and had to be reminded by Nick that we should do the long loop because I might hurt a lot from it and I have a show tomorrow. About a block into the walk I realized he was right. Time to get my body into water aerobics before it is too late to strengthen!
What I am looking forward to: Getting my house organized after a year of being checked out, and in prep for our little man!
Upcoming appointments/events: Fetal EKG and OB appointments on June 11th, Endocrinologist and Breast Cancer Surgeon on June 12th.
Weekly Wisdom: Your body is pregnant, even when your mind wants to ignore that fact.
Milestones: Anatomy scan
Bump Picture: 20 weeks!
How big is baby? 7 inches, 11 ounces- Getting big!
Total weight gain/loss: Still down. Still not tracking this. =)
Maternity clothes? Exclusively. In fact the few non-maternity pants I could still wear are now getting tight... Guess I'm going to have to invest in some more options for the summer!
Sleep: Starting to really feel the pregnancy now. I've started using pillows to make sleep a little easier on my body and have a pregnancy pillow on its way. I really hope it helps like it should!
Best moment this week: Having our anatomy scan
Movement: Little boy is getting more active for sure. I have an anterior placenta as I mentioned before which limits what I feel a bit, but I feel him more and more every day.
Food cravings: None really. Just hungry most of the day!
Food Aversions: none other than the occasional aversion to a strong smell (onions, garlic, etc)
Gender: It's a boy!!!!
Labor Signs: none
Pregnancy Symptoms: Constant pain as my bones and ligaments give in to the relaxin already flooding my body, can't lay on my stomach, occasional (mild gratefully) heartburn, constant hunger, extra fatigue... Probably more but those are the most prevalent today!
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Being able to override and "just do" without consequences. Tonight I wanted to take a family walk and had to be reminded by Nick that we should do the long loop because I might hurt a lot from it and I have a show tomorrow. About a block into the walk I realized he was right. Time to get my body into water aerobics before it is too late to strengthen!
What I am looking forward to: Getting my house organized after a year of being checked out, and in prep for our little man!
Upcoming appointments/events: Fetal EKG and OB appointments on June 11th, Endocrinologist and Breast Cancer Surgeon on June 12th.
Weekly Wisdom: Your body is pregnant, even when your mind wants to ignore that fact.
Milestones: Anatomy scan
Bump Picture: 20 weeks!
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