Where you've been...

Sometimes it is helpful to remember where you've been to better appreciate where you are.  A friend of mine is working on a film script about a young woman fighting breast cancer.  She asked me to talk her through it in an effort to help it ring true.  Of course I am happy to do this.  In an effort to begin that process I thought I would link some of my early blog posts in the cancer journey.  This of course meant that I had to read through those first three or so months of posts to find the "useful" ones.  I laughed, I cried, and I took heart in remembering where I've been.  Every day being a "survivor" continues to deepen its grip into my reality.  Part of that is that every day, the journey becomes a little more faint and less important.  I went through crazy procedures to ensure that I could have another baby someday, and here I am happily expecting our second child.  I cut my hair and shaved my head as I lost my hair to chemo, and now I fuss with a semi-mullet mop on my head as it grows back seemingly quicker every day.

So thank you Bianca for asking me to remember my journey.  I really do need to come back and read these things every so often as a reminder of where I been.  It brightens the light on where I am indescribably.  I have a good life and am so lucky to be living it.

The beautiful views I get to enjoy from our convertible after a gorgeous day on Mt Tam!

My silly girl enjoying some beefy ribs for dinner!

Questionnaire Week 14

How far along? 14 Weeks

How big is baby? 4.5 inches, 2-3 oz As big as a Navel Orange!

Total weight gain/loss: I keep being told at my doctors appointments that I've lost weight.  Gotta love that GD diet! =)

Maternity clothes? Although they are still too big it is pretty much exclusively what I'm wearing.

Sleep: Other than the horrible cough I've developed from the eight hundredth cold I had this week that's making it hard to fall asleep and waking me up in the morning... Sleep is still pretty good.  Though I am noticing that I will not be able to lay on my stomach much longer.

Best moment this week: Making the decision to transition Bella to a twin bed which opens up furniture options for baby #2!  This kid may get a fully furnished room prior to arrival yet!

Movement: Little bits here and there.  Still nothing major but enough to know the little bugger is in there!

Food cravings: No cravings, but I am starving nearly all the time.  I am ready to set an alarm once an hour just to make sure that I eat!

Food Aversions: No aversions.  The nausea seems to be back a little but I'm hoping it is just other circumstances.

Gender: No idea still.  Considering an appointment to find out sooner, but the anatomy scan is scheduled for May 29th!

Labor Signs: none

Pregnancy Symptoms:  Exhaustion, occasional nausea, easily overheated, and definitely having strains in my uterus when I cough/sneeze/etc.

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: This week I would have been very happy to indulge in a frosty margarita or beer.  C'est la vie!

What I am looking forward to: Just each day as it goes along!

Upcoming appointments/events:  Next prenatal is May 10th and the anatomy scan is May 29th

Weekly Wisdom: Give yourself a little credit.  I spent a week stressed out over my glucose numbers and it turned out my test strips were bad!

Milestones: NT Scan and 1st trimester bloodwork are done- everything looks great and super low risk for abnormalities.  Further proof that cancer can't touch my future. =)

Bump Picture: Next post I believe is my next photo shoot. ;)

Reminders

Tonight I was watching "The Big C" on Showtime.  I debate whether or not I should watch shows like this since my views on such things have really changed now that I am a survivor.  I get easily annoyed watching/reading anything that has to do with cancer that isn't the direct words of a survivor.  Often these things feel contrived and false.  I'm sure they are often exactly that.  Someone writing who thinks they know what it would be like, but have never been their themselves.

Anyhow, during the show the main character (who is fighting stage four skin cancer I believe) goes to a seminar put on by a "joyologist"... Yeah... Anyhow they have a meditation where they are to think about their happiest moments.  Her happy moments were all with her (now teenage) son.  As I watched the silent clips roll by, I couldn't help but think "I never got to "just" be a mom".  I had a newborn, then struggled desperately to breastfeed, decided to quit my job in the midst of those struggles, and right about the time that I was getting my feet under me, I was diagnosed with cancer.  So I never got to enjoy "just being a mom".

As I come to trust that there will in fact be another baby coming this fall, I think about how different this will be.  Without question it would have been different purely by the nature of the fact that it is a second baby.  However, I will start out this motherhood as a survivor.  Not only that, but a still new survivor.  I will only be one year out from being cancer free when this baby is born.  I've been pretty good about keeping the dark thoughts away but it isn't easy.  How will I be when there isn't one beautiful life that needs me around, but two?  I haven't been able to make any major life changes in response to this cancer business, so what will it take? 

Anyhow it was just a moment for me tonight realizing that I'm sad I missed that time.  I'm frustrated that I have to spend the rest of my life knowing I'm a "survivor" and all the fear that comes along with that.  On the flip side, I get to spend the rest of my life any way I choose.  I have a "rest of my life" to spend.  Right?

On a completely different topic, one of the girls on my cancer board pointed out that this baby is due during Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Go figure!  I take that as an "eff you cancer" moment.  Not only did you not take my fertility, but I am repurposing the month of October. =)

NT Scan

I just got home from our NT ultrasound.  We don't have the blood work to go with this test to really determine "risk" yet but the ultrasound looked great.  Baby looks good and healthy, no obvious abnormalities, and the nuchal translucency measures well below the risk point.  I feel like I can take a huge sigh of relief and just enjoy the rest of this pregnancy now.  Sadly, there is no gender guess at this point.  We don't have our anatomy scan where that will be determined until May 29th!!!  Nick doesn't want to wait so we may look into a gender determination ultrasound through one of our local 3D ultrasound spots earlier than that.  I make no promises though!  I will however share the pictures of this baby with you!

Whole Body Profile

Baby's first close-up!  Looks like this one will have my nose too! =)

It makes my heart happy.

Happy right now

I just left my monthly prenatal appointment. It was a standard appointment, check in, listen to the heartbeat, etc. Something about hearing that heartbeat, and talking about this baby just makes me happy. I know that life is good and my future is bright.

This is also coming off of a satisfied feeling from last nights mountain play rehearsal. It is still early in the process so the only rehearsals I've attended have been music rehearsals where we learn the group numbers. Boy- do we sound good! We have some very talented voices in the show this year. Feels good to be a part of it.

Well I'd better eat my lunch so I can get to my NT scan! I'll post again later with news from that. :)

Questionnaire 12 Weeks

How far along? 12.5 Weeks

How big is baby? 3 inches, the size of a peach!

Total weight gain/loss: Still down from what I can tell.

Maternity clothes? Yep.  I have some non-maternity pants that I can wear, but only a couple.  Even my stretchy waistband pants were too tight the other day.  Sadly though my maternity pants are still big so I spend most of the day hiking them up.  When I can, dresses are the best bet these days!

Sleep: So far so good.  I do require my daily nap still, but overnight seems to be just fine.

Best moment this week: We received our new bedroom furniture this week so I am seeing our new set up take shape.  This poor kid may get a space of their own before they are here after all! =)

Movement: I definitely feel "flutters" (which by the way, are much more than flutters with baby #2) on a daily basis.

Food cravings: Still no cravings.  I will smell things and "have to have" them from time to time.  Oh, and I desperately wanted a bagel with cream cheese the other day.  Not enough to ask Nick to go to the store though!

Food Aversions: Gratefully, none.  Chicken has set me off a few times recently, but nothing too terrible.

Gender: Not a clue.  We have our NT scan on Thursday though so a very slight chance we will find out then.  Most likely though, we won't announce until after our anatomy scan sometime in May- just in case they get it wrong!

Labor Signs: none

Pregnancy Symptoms:  Exhaustion, random dizziness, ravenous hunger (often), clothes that don't fit, and super duper smell.

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: Nothing really.  I feel really lucky to have such an easy second pregnancy so far!

What I am looking forward to: finding out if it is a boy or a girl!

Upcoming appointments/events:  April 12th is my next prenatal appointment as well as our NT ultrasound!

Weekly Wisdom: You still need to listen to your body and remember that you are the expert for your own well-being.

Milestones: In the clear!  I can safely announce this pregnancy to the world now!

Bump Picture: Finally!

Hoppy Easter!

In our house we believe in the Easter Bunny and brightly colored eggs.  This celebration usually involves an Easter egg hunt, girls in pretty dresses, lots of delicious foods made by the many wonderful cooks in the family, and delicious treats too.  Most importantly it revolves around family and friends and being together.  This year was no exception.  We spent the day at my dad's house where the little kids enjoyed running around the very large backyard, and the rest of us enjoyed the sunshine and festivities of the day.

I know I am overdue for a pregnancy update and I fully intended to post one on Friday (I hit 12 weeks!) but am delayed to take a proper bump photo for you, which I should be able to do in the next two days.  So it will have to be 12 and a half weeks! =)  Something to look forward to though- our NT scan is on Thursday!  More ultrasound photos! =)

In the meantime here is my oldest beauty in her Easter dress.

Back to "normal"

We have been somewhat getting back to "normal" over the last couple of weeks.  Other than the fact that Bella was hit with yet another cough/cold/flu this week, we have been getting our feet back under us and regulating our lives a bit.  As this pregnancy becomes more real and permanent with every passing day I am realizing how crucial it is to create some stability in Bella's life, and enjoy our one child household.  So this week I made an effort to put Bella down for a nap and bedtime during semi regular times, tried to keep meals regular and (mostly) home cooked, and tried to include daily activities to get us out of the house and stimulated.

I know I started my regular updates, but will probably only do them every other week this pregnancy, since I felt like they got redundant last time.  So a quick check in!  I am 11.5 weeks along and nearly in the safe zone.  I still feel pretty good; tired and occasionally nauseated, but over all good.  I need to connect with the endocrinologist to begin my monitoring for g.d. but don't have anything scheduled yet.  I see my OB's office on April 12th for my monthly appointment (though I will be seeing one of their mid-wives this time so that I can meet everyone in the practice who might deliver my baby).  I also have my NT scan scheduled for that same day.  I realized that I need to schedule an appointment to see my breast surgeon for a check up some time in May, and my oncologist for a check up some time in June.  I think I mentioned that in addition to my regular prenatal appointments (which are once a month with my OB's office, who knows how often with the endocrinologist, and then get closer and closer until we arrive at delivery, not to mention ultrasounds and blood work) my cancer doctors want to see me once a trimester to track my breast changes.  I was clearly told by my oncologist that she isn't worried about a recurrence in the other breast (which we could do ultrasounds and mammograms on, even during pregnancy if needed), but really a truly local recurrence in my right "breast".  When she told me that it gave me a sense of relief since for whatever reason, I'm (usually) not worried about that.

Back to pregnancy... Anyhow I have been struggling with breast tenderness, particularly on the cancer side.  It's tough since I don't have any sense of what is "normal" or not in pregnancy post-mastectomy.  I know there is still breast tissue there, particularly since I had a skin and nipple sparing surgery.  But you certainly don't expect it to be the typical tenderness in a full breast going through pregnancy.  I think the harder part for me is that I don't know who to talk to about it.  Who knows how to tell me if what I am experiencing is normal or not?  My plastic surgeon?  My oncologist?  My OB?  With so many doctors I feel like I would get the same number of answers.  I guess as long as no one is concerned that is the most I can hope for.

Not much else to tell.  I'm getting ready to begin rehearsals for the mountain play this week and starting to use my YMCA membership to get active.  Keeping busy while slowly taking on some very overdue house projects.  I will be sharing a master bedroom mini-makeover in the next couple of weeks that is the first domino in preparing for baby number two!  And will share what it is like to take on a major commitment to a show while raising a toddler and pregnant as soon as I have jumped in.  An exciting few upcoming months to be sure.