Still struggling

Wow- it's been almost a month since my last post! Two kids, Christmas
and illnesses (theirs, not mine) have certainly kept me busy.

I desperately wish I had happier things to write. I have two beautiful
children and do know how lucky I am for that. I'm here, alive on this
planet. Another miracle. Truth be told though, life in this moment is
hard.

I loved the beginning with Bella. It was hard, of course, but I
remember how sweet and snuggly it was too. As hard as it was, I wasn't
wishing the time away. At this point she was a happy, easy going baby
(for the most part). I still had to fight for the breastfeeding, but
it was a choice. I'm sure I'm blocking plenty out, but I am for sure
clear that I wasn't wishing time to go faster.

Right now, I'm wishing time away. I'm sure that in a few months life
will be so much easier. Gio won't be in so much discomfort (either
having outgrown it or because we will figure "it" out). Bella will be
used to being a big sister, and they can interact more. I will be more
comfortable leaving Gio and start doing things for me, and my
marriage, again. I'll have more space, and more perspective on what my
future can look like. I might get to stop being the milk stained, spit
up covered, unshowered mess I've become.

Some days I think being a mom is the best thing that ever happened to
me. I genuinely think my kids are the most amazing little people. I'm
still getting to know Gio, but I already love him beyond words. And
Bella, my angel. She is intense, and sweet, and strong, and smart, and
silly... The list goes on. She amazes me Every. Single. Day.

Then there are days like today. I wonder if I'm really cut out for
this. I think that maybe going back to a regular job would just be
easier. I think about what it would take. It would break my heart
every day, but would it save my sanity? Would it rebalance my
relationship with nick because there would no longer be a perceived
imbalance at home? I certainly don't stay home because it is easy.

I have no answer. Gratefully I don't need one yet since Gio is too
little for me to do anything else. I'll aim for decisions next fall
since that is when Bella needs to start preschool. Of course by then,
life will look totally different anyhow!

Sorry to be such a downer after so long between posts! I swear I have
happy posts to add. I'll need to backtrack and document the holidays.
It was Gio's first afterall! Lots of sweet moments and sweet smiles. I
just need to hold on to those moments as they come.

Grant me the SERENITY
To accept the things I cannot change
COURAGE to change
The things I can
And the WISDOM
To know the difference...

In my head

I'm currently writing a post in my head.  I started to type it out today and quickly realized that it wasn't going to turn out the way I wanted.  So I will save it for another day.  Two kids are keeping me on my toes.  I am worn out.  Poor Gio is really suffering with his acid reflux.  We put him on meds a couple of weeks ago and it helped at first.  Then I don't know, maybe he outgrew the dose or something, but this past week has gotten so bad again.  He cries so much.  And I know he is in pain.  It breaks my heart.  But it wears me down too.  I'm definitely struggling.  Meanwhile I'm trying to make sure Bella is still getting what she needs but when you have a screaming baby, your attention is clearly going to go to that.  I'm so lucky and grateful to not be doing this alone all day every day, between my mom and Nick at home, and other friends and family when they're around too.  Even with my amazing support system, this is just hard.  I am so determined to breastfeed at the very least until six months, but hopefully until the one year marker when they recommend breast milk or formula until.  I don't want to give him formula if I can avoid it.  However, if I don't figure out how to make things easier, and soon, I don't know that I will be able to make it that far.  This is hard.  It isn't the actual nursing that is a challenge, but the constant desperate neediness going on.  If he isn't eating or sleeping, he is crying.  Okay we do get some happy times, but they feel few and far between right now.  I was handling the sleep deprivation okay, but combined with the fussy baby and strong willed toddler, I see my positive attitude slipping.  What helped fortify me during these tough times with Bella was my mommy group.  I could go there and cry or laugh or vent and know that I was in the company of people who understood and empathized.  But there is no mommy group for babies and toddlers (not like you could talk much with toddlers running around!)... Actually the mommy group I used to go to has been disbanded, which is particularly sad for me.  I could have at the very least arranged babysitting for Bella and taken Gio to get some mental support.  I'm working on some ideas to get that support again.  I need my mommies again!

Well I didn't expect this to be so long or so full of vents but I guess that is just where I'm at.  The truth is ugly sometimes.  I love my babies.  They are amazing and there is at least one moment each day with each child that makes my heart grow a little bigger, but the minutiae of day to day is tough.  And I guess right now, I'm feeling the weight of it all.