The Big News

I can finally share our big news with you!

We are pregnant!

Yep!  Baby number two is due October 20th (official per the doctors office).  We went to the doctors today for our first prenatal visit.  Everything looks good!  I am only 6.5 weeks along so there isn't much baby to see, but we saw the heartbeat and it is nice and strong already.  We also talked about if there was any additional risk due to my treatment last year.  I thought I might need to have a CVS or Amniocentisis to check for genetic issues.  I thought that the chemo might have increased my risk of this, doing damage to the eggs.  But, my doctor called the perinatologist (the high risk OB) and they said I didn't need to do any additional testing unless the bloodwork or NT scan indicate it.  They want one extra ultrasound at 28 weeks, but that is it!  I will go back to the doctor in two weeks just to confirm that everything is progressing as expected, but my doctor is very happy for me and thinks that things look good!  So I have blessings from all relevant doctors.  I can take a deep breath and finally, just be happy about this.

I wrote a couple of posts when we found out and when we went to my oncologists, so if you're interested, read back.  I have finally posted them for public consumption!

For those who read this that are also on my facebook, please don't post anything there yet.  I'm not quite ready for facebook publicity! =)  Private messages or comments here are just fine.

Here is the very first picture of our little bean!

It came and went...

This past Friday, February 24th, I had my diagnosis anniversary.  I had a doctors appointment in the morning, and then ran some errands sans Bella.  I went to lunch with my dad, took a nap with Bella, and then enjoyed a girls date night with dinner and a movie.  I honestly didn't think about the fact that it was my cancerversary all day.  In fact I didn't realize that I hadn't acknowledged it until yesterday!  It is true that I have plenty of other distractions in my life at the moment but it surprised me a little that the thought didn't even cross my mind.  The fear hasn't dissipated yet but cancer hasn't taken over my future and for that I am grateful.  I am trying my best to trust that the many things in my life are ways that the universe is telling me that life will go on.  I have a future and need to be present for it.  I am certain that more will be revealed.

Life is crazy!

I know I haven't posted in a very long time.  I have actually written some posts that I am not quite ready to share.  Life has thrown us some curve balls (not to worry- it isn't more cancer) that I am sorting out before I post them here.

I can say that I have been reminded on the deepest possible level that life goes on, and cancer is not the end of my story (even figuratively).  I am excited for the next year and believe that there is a plan at play for me that I simply cannot see.  I was quickly getting "stuck" in the post cancer trauma, not seeing where I was "supposed" to go next in my journey.  Sometimes, it isn't our job to figure out what comes next.  It is our job to simply show up and say yes to life.

Like the quotes say-
"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans" - John Lennon
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans" - Woody Allen

With their blessing

I gratefully had an appointment scheduled with my oncologist the day after finding out I am pregnant.  I was nervous that she was going to be very unhappy with me since they had all clearly told me to wait two years.  Instead, when I shared the news (quickly prefaced with a "I didn't mean to, I wasn't trying I swear"), she responded with congratulations.  Shocked?  Absolutely.  But not unhappy.

We discussed what this all means in terms of cancer, which I already knew gratefully.  Essentially we just talked about the worst case scenarios (if I had a recurrance while pregnant, I could actually have chemo and surgery safely for the baby) and she said it is a personal decision but she knows we wanted more children and so as long as we have discussed the risks (such as, what if this disease took me in the next three to five years, is Nick ok being left with two small children- even though none of us believe that would happen, it is still a worst case scenario), she says, enjoy it!  And then she said "Yay- I didn't make you infertile!"  Very sweet.

I also visited my breast surgeon quickly to share the news and she was also very happy and not concerned at all.  I expected that would be her reaction but it was still nice to have.  I do know that my radiation oncologist would not be happy with me because she is extremely risk averse.  She is also the one who said we could "talk about it" after three years.  But I appreciate that she is excellent at what she does and truly does have my best interest at heart.  You'll notice that I haven't said that I told her! =)  I feel naughty since I told the other two doctors, but I just wasn't ready for a negative reaction.  I will call her nurse eventually to share the news indirectly.

Next up?  A visit to the OB.  It is a little early for a normal first pre-natal appointment (I will only be 6 weeks and a couple of days- usually you wait until 8-10 weeks), but because of my high risk status (only due to the cancer last year, not actually high risk for anything) we thought I should get in a little early.  It should be plenty of time to get a heartbeat which will show some level of viability.  I also plan to ask if I should do any additional testing than I previously did (such as amniocentesis, etc) to check for chromosomal abnormalities.  I just don't know if my eggs were at risk of damage that could still produce an embryo but with issues that wouldn't result in a viable baby.  Chemo does a lot.  I think that it should be okay, but I'm not positive.  Once I get a little more information from that end of the spectrum, I think I will be ready to share the news publicly!  I was going to keep it to myself in case I had a miscarriage, but I've realized that I've shared everything else here, why wouldn't I share that experience?  It is my authentic journey, regardless of its ending, and that is what I have strived to share.  Very soon I will be able to press publish on these posts! =)

A (tiny) Big Surprise!

Last night we had some very surprising news.  Apparently, I am pregnant.  My doctors wanted me to wait two years.  I didn't intend to ignore their advice (at least not entirely) but I was careless with my birth control and it only takes one time!  The pregnancy doesn't add any risks for me regarding the cancer. The reason my doctors wanted me to wait because the first two years after treatment are the most common time that a recurrance happens. They just wanted me to get through the high risk time because (god forbid) if I had a recurrance while pregnant I would have to make some tough decisions (like being treated while pregnant, or delaying treatment, etc).  I am just going to trust that it won't be an issue.

I only thought this next year was going to be about figuring out myself and what comes next.  Apparently the universe had other ideas!  I trust that there is a greater plan at work here.  My initial thought is that it would have been really easy to get stuck in the doldrums of cancer, and a new baby will simply not allow for that.  Life goes on, literally.

So assuming this pregnancy sticks, I am due October 19th with baby number two!

Pinkwashing

Pinkwashing is a term that refers to the idea that pink, and pink ribbons, are being used as a money making tool in the name of awareness.  If you look around, you'll find pinkwashed items all over the place.  It makes sense, I mean who doesn't love a boob for some reason or another?  Sadly though, it has turned one of the nastiest diseases that invades so many of our lives, into another tool for corporate greed.

Instead of trying to link to all of these terms and articles and useful things, I am going to tell you to read this wonderful post by another survivor whose blog I follow.  She has linked to all of the important things and puts a lot of this issue into perfect words.

The piece that has come into focus for me over this past year is that as a survivor I feel even more strongly that we shouldn't be "used" to make money for anyone.  Yes, we should raise awareness (particularly those of us who are young because many people, including doctors, forget that young women get breast cancer too), we should raise money for research, and services such as support during and after treatment, and prevention and diagnostics.  There are many, many, many important places that the money can and should go.  So to think about a gun company using pink to sell more guns (even if a portion is donated) makes me a little ill.  I am definitely hoping that the whole Susan G Komen debacle has brought some level of awareness to people regarding what some of these major groups actually do with their funds, and to the issue of pinkwashing in general.

It was pretty amazing to see how quickly the outrage at Komen's decision spread through the internet, and how quickly change happened as a result.  I don't believe social networking was the true reason that Komen back tracked, especially since they had local chapters speaking out, and board members publicly resigning due to the decision, but it feels like it helped.  It makes me wonder what sort of difference we could really make if people would just pay attention to the world (country, county, town!) for 10 minutes of their extended online time each day.  I guess it is the activist in me stirring a little.  Of course not many causes bring people together quite like saving the ta-tas!

Onward and Upward

January was a tough month for me.  I think my posts made that pretty clear.  I've been struggling quite a bit since I finished treatment and barrelled through the holidays.  January hit and I hit a wall.  The dip that all my doctors warned me about definitely hit.  I don't expect that I am done with the doldrums of cancer survivorship, but at least this one seems to have passed. 

I've worked on spending quality time with my growing toddler (who is making her opinions known loud and clear these days).  A large part of that includes getting the two of us outside and active more regularly.  I'm working on more walks, visits to the Bay Area Discovery Museum, trips to the park, walks on Mt Tam, visits to the beach- anything that keeps us entertained and moving.  I also auditioned for the annual Mountain Play production (this year will be The Music Man) and was cast as one of the town gossip Pick-a-Little ladies.  The purpose of this is multi-fold.  I am doing something that is just for me, I am getting back into my favorite hobby, I am working with the director on his last show on the mountain (an important milestone), and it keeps me outdoors and active!  I am hoping that the show will help make me a better mommy, friend, wife, and person. 

I am also looking at finding some part time work over the course of the next year.  I will be considered able to return to work after February 23rd.  This is only about one month prior to the show starting so I'm not sure that I will try to dive back in at that point.  Rehearsal is five to six days a week (three to four evenings and two weekend days), so adding even two days of a job feels like too much time away from Bella.  But I have sorted out our finances and we can manage until Nick's next raise, at which point I believe we won't need me to work.  My goal is to find something two days a week that truly makes me happy.  I want to work to make a difference in the world, or community, or something.  Even if it is on a small scale.  It could be any number of ways, not necessarily education or non-profit or advocacy, but something that is fulfilling and joyful.  Something that adds to my life and my spirit, thereby giving me energy and focus to be a good happy parent and wife and all of the other roles in my life.  I am excited to see what manifests.

I continue exploring what it means to be a "survivor".  The whole Susan G Komen controversy put quite a bit of this in light for me.  I won't bore you with that here, and will instead make another post to discuss some of these things.  What I will say is that I continue to grow and discover my survivorship.  It is definitely not all it is cracked up to be.  There is some interesting weight that comes along with it, even beyond the anxiety and fear that the cancer itself has created.  There is the expectation, whether from myself or others (often both), that cancer has given me perspective to things in life.  You know the phrase "don't sweat the small stuff"?  As a survivor it is almost as if people expect you to be above that.  The truth is that I am still me, and the things that mattered to me before, matter to me now, even if they are insignificant.  I'm not magically this wise sage with amazing life perspective just because I've had my body destroyed by chemicals, removed a body part surgically, and submitted myself to small, daily doses of radiation poisoning, all in the name of saving my life.  I am still frustrated by a toddler who asserts her independence (often by screaming at me) several times a day, or upset by the stupid arguments Nick and I get in (as every married couple does)... Anyhow that has been one of the more challenging pieces of settling into my survivorship.

Yesterday I took Bella out for a day of discovery.  I was aiming for Muir Woods, but discovered that I didn't actually know where I was going, and overshot, landing at Stinson Beach.  It was such an unbelievably gorgeous day at the beach (despite being a little overcast at home, just over the mountain) and I was so very happy to be there with the sun on my shoulders and the sand in my toes.  Bella enjoyed it too, especially since I let her put her feet in the ocean.  Here are a couple of pictures from our amazing winter day at the beach!

I know, I know...

I haven't been writing.  I know.  I truthfully haven't had a whole lot to say.  Or maybe I feel like it's all the same and just don't feel like seeing it in black and white yet again.  Mostly I'm just trying to get "back to normal"- whatever that means.  I've been doing a lot of housecleaning, trying to manage some of the projects I've avoided over the last year.  I've been spending a lot of time with Bella, rediscovering our relationship and discovering life with a toddler (yikes!).  I've been sick- twice!- boo to that.  And just generally trying to get my feet back under me.

Last year really affected me in so many profound ways that I haven't even fully grasped yet.  I'm hoping that this year will bring the year of Karey in all the best possible ways.