I've worked on spending quality time with my growing toddler (who is making her opinions known loud and clear these days). A large part of that includes getting the two of us outside and active more regularly. I'm working on more walks, visits to the Bay Area Discovery Museum, trips to the park, walks on Mt Tam, visits to the beach- anything that keeps us entertained and moving. I also auditioned for the annual Mountain Play production (this year will be The Music Man) and was cast as one of the town gossip Pick-a-Little ladies. The purpose of this is multi-fold. I am doing something that is just for me, I am getting back into my favorite hobby, I am working with the director on his last show on the mountain (an important milestone), and it keeps me outdoors and active! I am hoping that the show will help make me a better mommy, friend, wife, and person.
I am also looking at finding some part time work over the course of the next year. I will be considered able to return to work after February 23rd. This is only about one month prior to the show starting so I'm not sure that I will try to dive back in at that point. Rehearsal is five to six days a week (three to four evenings and two weekend days), so adding even two days of a job feels like too much time away from Bella. But I have sorted out our finances and we can manage until Nick's next raise, at which point I believe we won't need me to work. My goal is to find something two days a week that truly makes me happy. I want to work to make a difference in the world, or community, or something. Even if it is on a small scale. It could be any number of ways, not necessarily education or non-profit or advocacy, but something that is fulfilling and joyful. Something that adds to my life and my spirit, thereby giving me energy and focus to be a good happy parent and wife and all of the other roles in my life. I am excited to see what manifests.
I continue exploring what it means to be a "survivor". The whole Susan G Komen controversy put quite a bit of this in light for me. I won't bore you with that here, and will instead make another post to discuss some of these things. What I will say is that I continue to grow and discover my survivorship. It is definitely not all it is cracked up to be. There is some interesting weight that comes along with it, even beyond the anxiety and fear that the cancer itself has created. There is the expectation, whether from myself or others (often both), that cancer has given me perspective to things in life. You know the phrase "don't sweat the small stuff"? As a survivor it is almost as if people expect you to be above that. The truth is that I am still me, and the things that mattered to me before, matter to me now, even if they are insignificant. I'm not magically this wise sage with amazing life perspective just because I've had my body destroyed by chemicals, removed a body part surgically, and submitted myself to small, daily doses of radiation poisoning, all in the name of saving my life. I am still frustrated by a toddler who asserts her independence (often by screaming at me) several times a day, or upset by the stupid arguments Nick and I get in (as every married couple does)... Anyhow that has been one of the more challenging pieces of settling into my survivorship.
Yesterday I took Bella out for a day of discovery. I was aiming for Muir Woods, but discovered that I didn't actually know where I was going, and overshot, landing at Stinson Beach. It was such an unbelievably gorgeous day at the beach (despite being a little overcast at home, just over the mountain) and I was so very happy to be there with the sun on my shoulders and the sand in my toes. Bella enjoyed it too, especially since I let her put her feet in the ocean. Here are a couple of pictures from our amazing winter day at the beach!
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