Progress

It is always said when something major happens in life to "just give it time" because really, time heals all wounds, and changes things, even if imperceptibly.  This weekend has been one of those moments for me where I am finally feeling those changes shifting internally.  I'm discovering my blocks and need for time for myself.  For the first time in, well, forever, I actually had the thought that maybe I wanted to be single for awhile.  Not exactly because it is nice to have someone to spend time with, but in the sense that I'm not sure I have enough to give beyond that.  I am mentally preparing to sell my house, working on talking to some agents to get that going, and will be physically doing the work next.  There is a lot to do.  And then of course there is finding a new house, always a process, and of course, moving!  All of which I need to make happen prior to the end of August so that we are situated for the kids to start school.  This is going to be quite a summer.  Finding a job is also a priority, also hoping to start just after the kids start school (early September ideally).  As all of this comes into place for me, I have simply realized that I really do need to make myself my priority.  Tough when those kid free weekends come around and I want someone to spend time with, to entertain me, to have fun.  Regardless, time is healing my wounds and shifting my priorities to where I suspect they need to be.  I see so much brightness in my future despite having no idea what it may look like.  I am so confident that I am going to be immensely happy moving forward.  So thank you time.  You are the toughest pill to swallow but the greatest medicine of all.

The only way to heal is time but...

I knew that the greatest healing from the affair and end of my marriage would come with time. I didn't expect to shake it off and be a shiny happy new me all of the sudden. And of course, that is true. But what I wasn't prepared for were the ways the wound would get scraped open time and again in a million different ways, preventing the slow healing of time.

Today would have been our wedding anniversary. That alone had me a little triggered but I was doing alright. The kids were sick and needed their mama. I took them in to urgent care this afternoon due to a clear ear infection in Gio. On our way we drove passed our favorite sushi place and Bella mentions that she went to sushi with daddy. She then proceeds to tell me that, and this is hard to tell me, they didn't go alone. Nope, daddy brought his girlfriend. So the four of them had a lovely family dinner together. Its like a hot poker to my stomach.

This was after a conversation in which Bella told me I should have just asked him to stay. Just told him not to leave, because he doesn't say no to adults. I told her I tried for a whole year but that daddy wanted to go. Then she said maybe she should have asked him to stay. I told her there was nothing she could have done and that he didn't leave her. If he could have them every day he would, but then I would miss her. So we have to take turns. This whole conversation felt like an ice pick drilling into my head. Things you never want to say to your children for $1000 please Alex!

On top of all of this is seeing the friends and family you've "lost" in this process moving on with their lives. Having events or outings that you would have been invited to, but are no longer. Thinking about events coming up in my life and wondering what the guest list should look like. For as amazing as my community is today, it still hurts to let people go. And my ego really hates feeling like anyone is choosing him over me. Doesn't everyone know I'm the injured party here? That he's the meanie who hurt me?!?!? I'm kidding... Well sort of. I know life and relationships simply aren't that black and white. But it doesn't make it any easier to take.

So as the wound is ripped open, time and again, I wonder how long this healing will take. I know I'm not there yet, and that's okay, but I would really like to not feel like my heart is being ripped out and stomped on every time I hear about my kids spending time with the woman that scorned me. Surely that's not asking too much seeing as my choice to have them around her has been taken away from me.  At least the universe could help it not hurt so badly...

Family

Today is the third day I've spent in bed. I apparently have some throat infection and a sinus infection. Now that I'm on antibiotics I'm hoping I'll feel better soon. It threw a major wrench in my plans however. I had a concert to go to tonight, and then was taking the kids camping for the weekend. I was really excited for all of it. Feeling like the end of my marriage wasn't the end of my life.

Instead, laying here by myself, I am just so sad. A year ago my house would have been filled with the sounds and smells of a family. My mom probably would have made soup, the kids would have been running around playing. Nick would have been attempting to wear them out for bedtime with a dance party. I would have likely been grumpy because I just wanted some peace and quiet so I could rest and feel better. Well, I have my peace and quiet, and I'd gladly take back my family. Clearly not as it was. We were broken. But what it could have been. I know it hasn't been that long, but I don't do alone very well. I miss living with a family. People to share your life with. People who are concerned if you slept all day and ate nothing. I don't know at what point our society decided that single family homes were the way to go, but it definitely does not work for me. I want a compound with people I can count on,and who can count on me. Where there is love, and noise, and craziness. Peace and quiet has its time and place but love and laughter will heal me faster.

Struggling today

I've had a number of emotional triggers come up for me recently. Today they seem to be compounding, leaving me feeling depleted and heartachey. As with any major transition in life, I'm experiencing the migration of relationships. When you get into a serious relationship, like marriage, you tend to have other "couple" friends. Then you have kids, and it may change again. Now, as I walk through this process of separating out my life to be my own again, without a partner, I'm finding some relationships are newly important, while others fall by the wayside. None of this surprises me and I'm mostly okay with these transitions. Still, it hurts to let people go. I can't help but wonder why I'm not being reached out to, or invited to things, or even worse why some people have elected to just stop being in my life altogether. How it could be that any of these people, who know the story of what happened to my marriage, could choose to keep him in their lives while cutting me out. It feels like one more loss on top so many others.

Speaking of loss, I'm fairly certain we will be selling the house. The market is really hot, so most likely it will sell for an outstanding price. The main issue will be getting into something else once I do. But I am looking to downsize into a better school district which will be good for the kids. And it will be only mine. There wont be any ghosts of cancer, a failed marriage, or people no longer here. I can start from scratch and take true ownership of my space. Make it my sacred, healing, wonderful, home.

So friends, picture me and my babies in a lovely, warm home, after an easy transition.

Truth

**I am oddly nervous about posting this. I welcome comments, but ask for your support in sharing this.**

After one of the more difficult few days that I've had, I've come to the conclusion that it is time to share the truth about my story. I'm not sure why I was withholding the cause for the end of my marriage. If I was trying to protect him or me. Or if I thought there was some other reason to keep the information private. But as someone who lives my life fairly open, I think it is time to let this secrecy go.

The truth is that he had an affair. It started when I was pregnant with our son. Less than a year after finishing treatment for breast cancer, battling through a difficult second pregnancy, and my husband emotionally left me. I was accused of not being a fully participating partner. Of not engaging him enough in the ways he desired. Not getting healthy, physically or emotionally. Not respecting his needs because I couldn't keep a clean house. The list goes on. I was the problem. The villain, demanding much and giving little.

I spent a year and a half skimming the truth I knew in my heart. I knew he wasn't with me. I didn't want to accuse him of disloyalty because he had been faithful for so long. But in my heart and my gut I simply knew he had given himself elsewhere. Finally after our son turned one, I knew it was time to ask directly. I did, and he answered (somewhat) honestly.

I had spent so much time processing the idea on my own that I already knew I would fight for my marriage. We went to counseling and I started fighting for myself again. Although he insisted it had been months since they had been together and he just needed to figure out how he felt about me, I knew he wasn't engaging in our marriage with any intent to save it. He just didn't seem able to let his guard down and allow his heart to return to me.

We went back and forth for many months. After discovering he was still talking to his affair partner (again) we decided to separate. I thought just maybe, seeing what he had to lose he would snap out of whatever place he had gone to. But the issues got worse, not better. Finally after I informed him that I had no intention of asking him for a divorce because I didn't want one, he told me he wanted out.

He never truly stopped interacting with his affair partner and is in fact openly dating her now. And is even forging a relationship between her daughter and our children. It has been heartbreaking for me, my children, and our families and friends.

Silver lining? I am getting back what I lost through the years in our relationship, and some things that I never had. I'm discovering my strength, my passion, my beauty. I'm also getting (another) opportunity to experience how amazing my community is. I am immensely lucky to have the people in my life that I do. My friendships are officially forged in fire and stronger than ever.

This is as far from my imagined life as I could get. I never expected to live the suburban life. I didn't plan to marry or have children until later in life- maybe. And I now know that when I took my marriage vows, I meant them. Divorce wasn't really an option to me. Once I love someone I love them and will fight for them. At times, even if it isn't in my own best interest.

I have embraced my identity as a warrior. I see my strength. I hope I can stop proving it and have my life become easier and gentle, but I know I can survive just about anything.

The Mommyhood

There is a movement, particularly in the social media world, to end what has been dubbed the "mommy wars".  (If you haven't seen the Similac commercial, watch it here, now!)  It was historically quite normal to see divides among mothers for their parenting choices.  Those who breastfed looked down on those who bottle fed.  Those who worked looked down on stay at home moms as women, and those who stayed home looked down on working moms as mothers.  Any choice was one that was open to judgment.  I fully admit, I've had those moments.  Nothing like breastfeeding or staying home, but being out in public and seeing a mom ignore her child who is bullying other kids, or hearing stories about babies being given chocolate milk in a bottle.  It's true, I judge.  However where I stand today, I am taking a stand with the other mommies out there and joining the mommyhood, the mommitment, the mommunity.  I choose kindness and support over judgment.  Aside from the fact that this is quite literally the hardest job I have ever had in my life and can use all the support I can get, where I stand today, after the five hardest years of my life, I understand what it means when you say it takes a village to raise a child.


When I had my daughter, my new mommy group was my lifeline.  It was the one place I knew I would get to every single week no matter what because it held me up.  I became friends with the women in that group through no known commonality other than having babies the same age.  It was here that I was also given the best advice I ever received, and the only advice I will ever offer to new moms.  There are a million books out there written on babies.  No one has written a book on YOUR baby.  Some of the advice may help, some may not.  Take what works and leave the rest.  YOU know YOUR baby better than anyone else.  These women were my first experience in the mommyhood.


When my daughter was only 7 months old, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Again, it was so often other moms in my life who stepped up.  Between family members and friends, I had meals, child care, gifts, cards, flowers, and support.  I needed this support for nearly a full year.  I thought every day that I didn't understand how people could live without an abundant community like mine.


Then I had my son.  Between my pregnancy and the first year of his life, it was one of the darker times in my life.  In retrospect it was because I had disconnected from my mommyhood.  Many of us had two children and couldn't quite manage to get together like we had in the past.  We were clinging to lifelines but barely surviving.


Shortly after my son turned one, my marriage hit the rocks hard.  As I fought for my marriage, I turned to my mommyhood again.  I needed the women in my life to lift me up.  To remind me it would be okay.  When my marriage ended, if I hadn't had the many women in my life to support me, I'm certain I would have crumbled.  Instead I found I had a collection of "sister wives" who I could call on when I was faltering.


I consider myself immensely lucky to have such a phenomenal group of women, particularly other mothers, in my life.  Now, when I discover another mom is struggling, I try to show up in whatever way I can.  So my "mommitment" is to offer support instead of judgment.  Kindness instead of critique.  We don't have to be friends.  We don't have to hang out or even agree with each others choices.  But we do have to respect one another for doing what we believe is the best for our children.  If I know something that I think might help, I will offer the information.  If you don't choose to take it, it must mean you don't believe it is best for your family, and that is exactly perfect.


So I hope all you mommies out there will join the "mommitment" with me and end the mommy wars.  This job is hard enough, don't you think?