**I am oddly nervous about posting this. I welcome comments, but ask for your support in sharing this.**
After one of the more difficult few days that I've had, I've come to the conclusion that it is time to share the truth about my story. I'm not sure why I was withholding the cause for the end of my marriage. If I was trying to protect him or me. Or if I thought there was some other reason to keep the information private. But as someone who lives my life fairly open, I think it is time to let this secrecy go.
The truth is that he had an affair. It started when I was pregnant with our son. Less than a year after finishing treatment for breast cancer, battling through a difficult second pregnancy, and my husband emotionally left me. I was accused of not being a fully participating partner. Of not engaging him enough in the ways he desired. Not getting healthy, physically or emotionally. Not respecting his needs because I couldn't keep a clean house. The list goes on. I was the problem. The villain, demanding much and giving little.
I spent a year and a half skimming the truth I knew in my heart. I knew he wasn't with me. I didn't want to accuse him of disloyalty because he had been faithful for so long. But in my heart and my gut I simply knew he had given himself elsewhere. Finally after our son turned one, I knew it was time to ask directly. I did, and he answered (somewhat) honestly.
I had spent so much time processing the idea on my own that I already knew I would fight for my marriage. We went to counseling and I started fighting for myself again. Although he insisted it had been months since they had been together and he just needed to figure out how he felt about me, I knew he wasn't engaging in our marriage with any intent to save it. He just didn't seem able to let his guard down and allow his heart to return to me.
We went back and forth for many months. After discovering he was still talking to his affair partner (again) we decided to separate. I thought just maybe, seeing what he had to lose he would snap out of whatever place he had gone to. But the issues got worse, not better. Finally after I informed him that I had no intention of asking him for a divorce because I didn't want one, he told me he wanted out.
He never truly stopped interacting with his affair partner and is in fact openly dating her now. And is even forging a relationship between her daughter and our children. It has been heartbreaking for me, my children, and our families and friends.
Silver lining? I am getting back what I lost through the years in our relationship, and some things that I never had. I'm discovering my strength, my passion, my beauty. I'm also getting (another) opportunity to experience how amazing my community is. I am immensely lucky to have the people in my life that I do. My friendships are officially forged in fire and stronger than ever.
This is as far from my imagined life as I could get. I never expected to live the suburban life. I didn't plan to marry or have children until later in life- maybe. And I now know that when I took my marriage vows, I meant them. Divorce wasn't really an option to me. Once I love someone I love them and will fight for them. At times, even if it isn't in my own best interest.
I have embraced my identity as a warrior. I see my strength. I hope I can stop proving it and have my life become easier and gentle, but I know I can survive just about anything.
After one of the more difficult few days that I've had, I've come to the conclusion that it is time to share the truth about my story. I'm not sure why I was withholding the cause for the end of my marriage. If I was trying to protect him or me. Or if I thought there was some other reason to keep the information private. But as someone who lives my life fairly open, I think it is time to let this secrecy go.
The truth is that he had an affair. It started when I was pregnant with our son. Less than a year after finishing treatment for breast cancer, battling through a difficult second pregnancy, and my husband emotionally left me. I was accused of not being a fully participating partner. Of not engaging him enough in the ways he desired. Not getting healthy, physically or emotionally. Not respecting his needs because I couldn't keep a clean house. The list goes on. I was the problem. The villain, demanding much and giving little.
I spent a year and a half skimming the truth I knew in my heart. I knew he wasn't with me. I didn't want to accuse him of disloyalty because he had been faithful for so long. But in my heart and my gut I simply knew he had given himself elsewhere. Finally after our son turned one, I knew it was time to ask directly. I did, and he answered (somewhat) honestly.
I had spent so much time processing the idea on my own that I already knew I would fight for my marriage. We went to counseling and I started fighting for myself again. Although he insisted it had been months since they had been together and he just needed to figure out how he felt about me, I knew he wasn't engaging in our marriage with any intent to save it. He just didn't seem able to let his guard down and allow his heart to return to me.
We went back and forth for many months. After discovering he was still talking to his affair partner (again) we decided to separate. I thought just maybe, seeing what he had to lose he would snap out of whatever place he had gone to. But the issues got worse, not better. Finally after I informed him that I had no intention of asking him for a divorce because I didn't want one, he told me he wanted out.
He never truly stopped interacting with his affair partner and is in fact openly dating her now. And is even forging a relationship between her daughter and our children. It has been heartbreaking for me, my children, and our families and friends.
Silver lining? I am getting back what I lost through the years in our relationship, and some things that I never had. I'm discovering my strength, my passion, my beauty. I'm also getting (another) opportunity to experience how amazing my community is. I am immensely lucky to have the people in my life that I do. My friendships are officially forged in fire and stronger than ever.
This is as far from my imagined life as I could get. I never expected to live the suburban life. I didn't plan to marry or have children until later in life- maybe. And I now know that when I took my marriage vows, I meant them. Divorce wasn't really an option to me. Once I love someone I love them and will fight for them. At times, even if it isn't in my own best interest.
I have embraced my identity as a warrior. I see my strength. I hope I can stop proving it and have my life become easier and gentle, but I know I can survive just about anything.
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