Surgery is in four days. I'm feeling as ready as I think I'll get. Mostly pretty calm about it. I'm desperately trying to figure out what exactly I need to accomplish before getting knocked out for another chunk of time. It's harder than you might think. The obvious things like cleaning and paying bills are pretty easy, but beyond that it is just hard to imagine to what level I will be incapacitated. I'm trying not to be too crazy about it though since I know that I have a good amount of help and if something comes up after surgery, I'm sure I can get help to handle it.
The other major fear I have going in to this is losing my connection to Isabella during this recovery time. I know that I'm her mom and nothing can change that, but the fact is that during chemo there was some distance between us. Gratefully she is happy with other people and doesn't have separation anxiety. Unfortunately being so exhausted I can't be the fun and entertaining mommy that I would like to be. A good amount of her care comes from others, and most of her fun. I'm lucky to be able to nap with her some days. Sadly this has resulted in her frequently wanting little to do with me, or at the very least preferring to go to others. I've spent the last month working past this and getting back on track with our relationship. I feel like we are finally 90% back to "normal" and now I'm getting laid up again. I'm trusting that I won't lose all of the ground I've gained back, and what I do lose I will be able to recover again. Still, it hurts a little.
I guess what all of this means is that the next three days will be spent getting quality time with Bella in, and accomplishing a to-do list in preparation. I'll post again soon with the details of the surgery.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
On the horizon
Surgery is just around the corner. This Thursday, August 4th I will have a single mastectomy on my right side and a sentinel node biopsy. I flip flop between feeling ready to tackle this challenge (and be declared cancer free) to feeling totally anxious and unprepared. Yesterday I went to "surgery class" with the nurse navigator to chat about what I can do before and after surgery to aid in my healing. Today I met with my surgeon for my pre-op appointment and review the expectations for the actual surgery.
All of the professionals are confident and appropriately aggressive in my case. I confirmed my MRI results with my surgeon today. The tumor is 3.6x.08cm. Sounds big still I know but my surgeon said they judge response by the overall volume decrease, and we are very happy with that. I had an "outstanding" response, and she still wouldn't be surprised if when they perform surgery, I show a complete pathological response (i.e. there is no cancer left). She is still planning to take 3-5 lymph nodes out to confirm that there is no involvement there (which all of the tests have shown from day one). Apparently beyond this number there is a diminishing return with the sensitivity of the test, but if those show no cancer, we can be totally confident that there is in fact no cancer. I'm confident that this will be the case regardless.
Oddly, although I left my pre-op appointment feeling confident and calm, tonight the anxiety has returned. Not so much about the surgery itself, but about the cancer in general. As I held Isabella, rocking her to sleep, I found myself feeling desperate to simply be alive to watch her grow. My fears of mortality have been relatively few and far between (considering what I'm facing), so the timing of it feels strange. I suppose though that with surgery looming the gravity of the situation is brought to light. All the same, my heart feels heavy tonight. My wish today is to live to see my daughter grow into the amazing woman I know she will be. All other hopes, wishes, dreams and ideas can fall by the wayside as long as I am granted that simple desire. I have faith that I will get that, but for some reason, tonight, I'm feeling scared.
For those that have them to spare, I would gratefully welcome any prayers/thoughts/vibes to help me stay light through these next few days, and carry me through surgery on Thursday. I am so close to being cancer free and on the road to recovery.
All of the professionals are confident and appropriately aggressive in my case. I confirmed my MRI results with my surgeon today. The tumor is 3.6x.08cm. Sounds big still I know but my surgeon said they judge response by the overall volume decrease, and we are very happy with that. I had an "outstanding" response, and she still wouldn't be surprised if when they perform surgery, I show a complete pathological response (i.e. there is no cancer left). She is still planning to take 3-5 lymph nodes out to confirm that there is no involvement there (which all of the tests have shown from day one). Apparently beyond this number there is a diminishing return with the sensitivity of the test, but if those show no cancer, we can be totally confident that there is in fact no cancer. I'm confident that this will be the case regardless.
Oddly, although I left my pre-op appointment feeling confident and calm, tonight the anxiety has returned. Not so much about the surgery itself, but about the cancer in general. As I held Isabella, rocking her to sleep, I found myself feeling desperate to simply be alive to watch her grow. My fears of mortality have been relatively few and far between (considering what I'm facing), so the timing of it feels strange. I suppose though that with surgery looming the gravity of the situation is brought to light. All the same, my heart feels heavy tonight. My wish today is to live to see my daughter grow into the amazing woman I know she will be. All other hopes, wishes, dreams and ideas can fall by the wayside as long as I am granted that simple desire. I have faith that I will get that, but for some reason, tonight, I'm feeling scared.
For those that have them to spare, I would gratefully welcome any prayers/thoughts/vibes to help me stay light through these next few days, and carry me through surgery on Thursday. I am so close to being cancer free and on the road to recovery.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Happy Birthday!
Dearest Isabella,
Today, you turn one! Since the moment you were born, you brightened my world. Here is a quick overview of what you are up to as of today.
Currently you are beginning to talk, saying important things like pool and dog. You crawl all over the place, and can pull up (and climb!) on just about anything. You are strong and can walk with something to hold on to. You could probably walk on your own if you tried, but you aren't quite there yet. You have six teeth (that I know of!), four on top and two on bottom. You love butterflies, dogs (especially your own), swimming, birds, and most of all- people. You are the happiest baby I know. You talk and laugh and smile most of the time. You are quite opinionated though and strong in your opinions. You love your cousin Mia, probably the most of anyone you know. You give lots of hugs and kisses though (when you're in the mood anyway) to the rest of us.
Sweet Bella, I love you. I can't wait to watch you grow up into the amazing, strong, beautiful, kind woman that I know you are going to be. Today we celebrate you. We had you surrounded with friends and family from all over, and you played and laughed and had a wonderful time. You are a lucky little girl my sweet. Count your blessings daily and remember that you are loved,
To many more years,
Mommy
Today, you turn one! Since the moment you were born, you brightened my world. Here is a quick overview of what you are up to as of today.
Currently you are beginning to talk, saying important things like pool and dog. You crawl all over the place, and can pull up (and climb!) on just about anything. You are strong and can walk with something to hold on to. You could probably walk on your own if you tried, but you aren't quite there yet. You have six teeth (that I know of!), four on top and two on bottom. You love butterflies, dogs (especially your own), swimming, birds, and most of all- people. You are the happiest baby I know. You talk and laugh and smile most of the time. You are quite opinionated though and strong in your opinions. You love your cousin Mia, probably the most of anyone you know. You give lots of hugs and kisses though (when you're in the mood anyway) to the rest of us.
Sweet Bella, I love you. I can't wait to watch you grow up into the amazing, strong, beautiful, kind woman that I know you are going to be. Today we celebrate you. We had you surrounded with friends and family from all over, and you played and laughed and had a wonderful time. You are a lucky little girl my sweet. Count your blessings daily and remember that you are loved,
To many more years,
Mommy
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Preparing
As Bella's birthday draws closer, so does my surgery. My mom pointed out to me that I've always sort of had the timeline of this would happen, then that would happen, then Bella's birthday and then surgery. Well, here we are. And I suppose as I should have expected, the anxiety is mounting. Surgery in and of itself doesn't scare me. I've had two surgeries in my life (I had my tonsils out at 17 and my appendix out at 20) so it isn't the scary unknown that it can be for many people. What is scary and unknown is the aftermath. I have no idea what to expect from the pain, the recovery, or even the result. I'm not a terribly vain person but I've definitely had visions of some less than ideal results of this surgery. (To be clear, I mean the results regarding my appearance, not the results regarding eradicating the cancer.) The honest truth is that I am scared about the cancer aspect too, a little bit anyhow.
I am focused on Bella's birthday and some wonderful out of town visitors about to join us, but my mind is starting to move ahead (as it tends to do) to what I need to do to prepare for surgery. I need to detox my body. I need to make sure I am not going in already "hot" (as my acupuncturist says) with bodily inflammation going on. I also need to make sure that I don't have aches and pains elsewhere distracting my recovery. So I will plan to eat an anti-inflammatory diet in the week prior to surgery, and visit some of my support team (acupuncture and chiropractor to be specific). I also need to plan for the help and support I will need after surgery. This is something that I am not excellent at as I tend to want to live in semi-denial and procrastinate this task.
Meanwhile my heart and mind continue to sit with my friend Tika. She had her surgery yesterday. She elected to have a double mastectomy (to just be done with it so to speak). It was successful and showed no lymph node involvement. So good news there. I only hope her heart aches a little bit less each day as she deals with the loss of her husband. She is also getting amazing amounts of support to help her spiritually and financially. I hope her needs are met and then some. From a selfish perspective, her loss has made me realize I should probably find a support group of some sort. Cancer is a beast to deal with day to day and it has been a huge comfort having a friend who was going through the same basic process. Although there is part of me that believes she might appreciate connecting with me and talking about something other than her loss, I don't think we will quite be able to laugh and be inappropriate like we used to. Yet.
Back to the preparations for the big birthday bash. I hope this celebration brings me the same joy that Nick's birthday did. I could use that right now. I do always have these little bright lights to bring me joy! (Bella and Mia being silly girls in Costco.)
I am focused on Bella's birthday and some wonderful out of town visitors about to join us, but my mind is starting to move ahead (as it tends to do) to what I need to do to prepare for surgery. I need to detox my body. I need to make sure I am not going in already "hot" (as my acupuncturist says) with bodily inflammation going on. I also need to make sure that I don't have aches and pains elsewhere distracting my recovery. So I will plan to eat an anti-inflammatory diet in the week prior to surgery, and visit some of my support team (acupuncture and chiropractor to be specific). I also need to plan for the help and support I will need after surgery. This is something that I am not excellent at as I tend to want to live in semi-denial and procrastinate this task.
Meanwhile my heart and mind continue to sit with my friend Tika. She had her surgery yesterday. She elected to have a double mastectomy (to just be done with it so to speak). It was successful and showed no lymph node involvement. So good news there. I only hope her heart aches a little bit less each day as she deals with the loss of her husband. She is also getting amazing amounts of support to help her spiritually and financially. I hope her needs are met and then some. From a selfish perspective, her loss has made me realize I should probably find a support group of some sort. Cancer is a beast to deal with day to day and it has been a huge comfort having a friend who was going through the same basic process. Although there is part of me that believes she might appreciate connecting with me and talking about something other than her loss, I don't think we will quite be able to laugh and be inappropriate like we used to. Yet.
Back to the preparations for the big birthday bash. I hope this celebration brings me the same joy that Nick's birthday did. I could use that right now. I do always have these little bright lights to bring me joy! (Bella and Mia being silly girls in Costco.)
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Missing Milestones!
I've been a terrible blogger- both for my cancer journey, and for Isabella! Before it is too far gone I must note an important milestone for my baby girl.
Isabella is beginning to talk.
What is the official first word?
Pool.
Yes, as in swimming pool.
On the day of my last chemo treatment, my dad had just brought me home and was holding Isabella. She was facing me and the window to our back yard. She began pointing towards me and verbalizing. At first we thought she wanted me (since I had just gotten home), but we quickly realized that she was in fact pointing at the swimming pool and saying "pool". We had been swimming quite a bit in the hot weather that we had been having and she loves to swim. Clearly, she wanted to go out to the pool!
Since then she has clearly said "dog" when pointing to a dog, and repeated countless words as we feed them to her, including bird, Sadie, and cat. Mama and Dada have of course also happened though there was never a clear moment that those would be first words. She is also starting to make a "nonono" sound which seems to be for nonnie/noni and some version of Mia for her cousin (who she LOVES).
Ironically she is also starting to sign a little bit now that she is using verbal language. Months of signing to her, to no avail, and now it starts at the same time as talking! Well, communication is communication in my book. It is really fun as she starts to realize she can fully engage her world.
Isabella is beginning to talk.
What is the official first word?
Pool.
Yes, as in swimming pool.
On the day of my last chemo treatment, my dad had just brought me home and was holding Isabella. She was facing me and the window to our back yard. She began pointing towards me and verbalizing. At first we thought she wanted me (since I had just gotten home), but we quickly realized that she was in fact pointing at the swimming pool and saying "pool". We had been swimming quite a bit in the hot weather that we had been having and she loves to swim. Clearly, she wanted to go out to the pool!
Since then she has clearly said "dog" when pointing to a dog, and repeated countless words as we feed them to her, including bird, Sadie, and cat. Mama and Dada have of course also happened though there was never a clear moment that those would be first words. She is also starting to make a "nonono" sound which seems to be for nonnie/noni and some version of Mia for her cousin (who she LOVES).
Ironically she is also starting to sign a little bit now that she is using verbal language. Months of signing to her, to no avail, and now it starts at the same time as talking! Well, communication is communication in my book. It is really fun as she starts to realize she can fully engage her world.
The Importance of a First Birthday
I've been a little sentimental this week over Bella's birthday. I get upset easily and feel almost stressed as I think about Saturday. I like to blame the party, but the fact of the matter is that the first birthday is a big deal, plain and simple.
So what is so important about a first birthday? Why is it so important to have a celebration?
As a mom, the first year is exceptionally hard. It is amazing and wonderful too, but the challenges you face in your first year of motherhood are unlike anything else you will experience in your life. There's the sleep deprivation of course. The continuous fears about how you are going to protect this perfect little being. The worries about whether or not you are "doing it right". The hours of a crying baby that you just don't know what is wrong, or maybe you do but there's nothing you can do about it. The reality that someone else's needs come before your own- all the time. The shift from being an autonomous being to being constantly connected (physically, mentally or emotionally) to another being. The pressures added to your relationships (spouse, friends, family). The growing pains of creating space for the largest love you have experienced to date.
This is my inadequate attempt at putting the first year of motherhood into words. It is truly indescribable in so many ways. So back to the birthday.
The first birthday is a celebration of survival. It is the acknowledgement that you have loved, protected and supported a new life while figuring out major changes in your own. It is a sign that your tiny baby, who couldn't even hold its own head up one short year ago, is now becoming its own person, perhaps walking and talking even.
Certainly the first birthday is a celebration of this wonderful little person. Without question I want to celebrate my sweet little girl. The truth though, is that the first birthday is a celebration with me. Of me perhaps even a little. I can say, "I did it. I made it through the first year."
This is particularly poignant for me for a number of reasons. The first, clearly, is the fact that I've been battling cancer for the last five months. I've managed to continue to mother my baby (perhaps less than I would have liked, but its all relative these days), in the face of a life threatening illness. Prior to my current battle, I fought harder than I've ever fought for anything, to provide breastmilk for my baby. Isabella may never understand or appreciate how hard I fought for that, but it is a trophy in my heart that I carry with me. All of this in addition to the "normal" challenges that new parenthood offers.
So this Saturday, I celebrate. I celebrate my sweet daughter who is strong and smart and funny and beautiful and kind. I celebrate my husband for being an amazing father to our daughter, loving and laughing and playing, while still being breadwinner, husband, friend, son, boss, employee, and self. Finally, I celebrate myself. For all of the reasons listed above and many more.
For those of you who will be here to celebrate with me, I look forward to it. It may be a little bittersweet as my baby grows up, but it is something worth celebrating.
So what is so important about a first birthday? Why is it so important to have a celebration?
As a mom, the first year is exceptionally hard. It is amazing and wonderful too, but the challenges you face in your first year of motherhood are unlike anything else you will experience in your life. There's the sleep deprivation of course. The continuous fears about how you are going to protect this perfect little being. The worries about whether or not you are "doing it right". The hours of a crying baby that you just don't know what is wrong, or maybe you do but there's nothing you can do about it. The reality that someone else's needs come before your own- all the time. The shift from being an autonomous being to being constantly connected (physically, mentally or emotionally) to another being. The pressures added to your relationships (spouse, friends, family). The growing pains of creating space for the largest love you have experienced to date.
This is my inadequate attempt at putting the first year of motherhood into words. It is truly indescribable in so many ways. So back to the birthday.
The first birthday is a celebration of survival. It is the acknowledgement that you have loved, protected and supported a new life while figuring out major changes in your own. It is a sign that your tiny baby, who couldn't even hold its own head up one short year ago, is now becoming its own person, perhaps walking and talking even.
Certainly the first birthday is a celebration of this wonderful little person. Without question I want to celebrate my sweet little girl. The truth though, is that the first birthday is a celebration with me. Of me perhaps even a little. I can say, "I did it. I made it through the first year."
This is particularly poignant for me for a number of reasons. The first, clearly, is the fact that I've been battling cancer for the last five months. I've managed to continue to mother my baby (perhaps less than I would have liked, but its all relative these days), in the face of a life threatening illness. Prior to my current battle, I fought harder than I've ever fought for anything, to provide breastmilk for my baby. Isabella may never understand or appreciate how hard I fought for that, but it is a trophy in my heart that I carry with me. All of this in addition to the "normal" challenges that new parenthood offers.
So this Saturday, I celebrate. I celebrate my sweet daughter who is strong and smart and funny and beautiful and kind. I celebrate my husband for being an amazing father to our daughter, loving and laughing and playing, while still being breadwinner, husband, friend, son, boss, employee, and self. Finally, I celebrate myself. For all of the reasons listed above and many more.
For those of you who will be here to celebrate with me, I look forward to it. It may be a little bittersweet as my baby grows up, but it is something worth celebrating.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Grey Day
Today feels like a dark day. There just seems to be sadness and tragedy in the world right now. Well at least my immediate world feels a bit that way. My dear friend Tika who has been fighting this disease alongside me just lost her husband in a freak accident. It is terrible, and sad, and my heart breaks for her. If you have prayers to spare, please say one for Tika and her family. She is an amazingly strong woman and I know she will get through this, but it is something she and her sweet little 6 month old boy shouldn't have to handle. They are kind, positive, and wonderful people. I pray for a miracle for her that they find her husband and he is ok. (He was knocked into a blowhole by a wave while on vacation in Maui. They searched for him for three days, but have found no sign.)
On top of that, my dear friend Mitchell just lost his dear friend and ex-wife Jackie to cancer. It is a battle that just hits a little too close to home. I trust that Jackie is out of pain now but it kills me that this disease ever wins.
For myself, I just heard back about my MRI. There is a tumor still. Greatly shrunken, but still there and significant. I'm a little unclear on the details as what was shared with me today didn't quite match what I was told previously. So when I meet with my surgeon (or presuming she calls me next week when she returns from vacation) I will nail down the details and share them with you. I guess I'm just disappointed that there is anything there still that is measurable. What scares me about it is that it will continue to grow between now and my surgery. I'm trusting that there is still chemo in my body that will suppress it until we can cut it out.
Anyhow I guess today, with all the sad news, I'm feeling the weight. I'm going to work on snapping out of it but I have to allow myself to experience the truth of this, and today, that is sadness.
On top of that, my dear friend Mitchell just lost his dear friend and ex-wife Jackie to cancer. It is a battle that just hits a little too close to home. I trust that Jackie is out of pain now but it kills me that this disease ever wins.
For myself, I just heard back about my MRI. There is a tumor still. Greatly shrunken, but still there and significant. I'm a little unclear on the details as what was shared with me today didn't quite match what I was told previously. So when I meet with my surgeon (or presuming she calls me next week when she returns from vacation) I will nail down the details and share them with you. I guess I'm just disappointed that there is anything there still that is measurable. What scares me about it is that it will continue to grow between now and my surgery. I'm trusting that there is still chemo in my body that will suppress it until we can cut it out.
Anyhow I guess today, with all the sad news, I'm feeling the weight. I'm going to work on snapping out of it but I have to allow myself to experience the truth of this, and today, that is sadness.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Busy Bees
I've been a terrible blogger I know. Honestly, I've been busy living my life, not watching it from the couch (or bed, or whatever other horizontal surface is holding me). I finished chemo exactly two weeks ago. The following week was brutal. I had a great deal of bone pain and neuropathy and just pure exhaustion. Gratefully my attitude wasn't too bad since I knew it was the last time I was going to experience that. I did start to get a little antsy towards the end of the week, but only because we were leaving for vacation on Sunday and I had a lot to do to prepare!
Sunday came and Nick, Bella, Lorraine and I hopped in our car and drove down to Disneyland. Bella was a trooper. It certainly helped that she had Noni Lorraine in the backseat with her, but she napped well and didn't fuss too much, despite being stuck in the car for 7 hours. When we reached the Disneyland Hotel, Bella was sleeping. She woke up a little cranky when we parked to unload (understandably since it was past her bedtime), but we walked her over to the giant Mickey statue and she went nuts. She loved Mickey and was blowing him kisses and talking up a storm. Here is a picture of Bella and Noni Lorraine with Mickey.
Sunday came and Nick, Bella, Lorraine and I hopped in our car and drove down to Disneyland. Bella was a trooper. It certainly helped that she had Noni Lorraine in the backseat with her, but she napped well and didn't fuss too much, despite being stuck in the car for 7 hours. When we reached the Disneyland Hotel, Bella was sleeping. She woke up a little cranky when we parked to unload (understandably since it was past her bedtime), but we walked her over to the giant Mickey statue and she went nuts. She loved Mickey and was blowing him kisses and talking up a storm. Here is a picture of Bella and Noni Lorraine with Mickey.
We spent the next two days relaxing by the pool, and visiting with some of Nick's family. His dad Kenny, Aunts Jean and Diane and Uncles Art and Orlo all live in southern California and came to visit with us. None of them had met Bella before so we had some fun introducing our sweet girl to them.
Me, Aunt Diane, Isabella, Uncle Art, Aunt Jean, Uncle Orlo, and Nick
Grandpa Kenny and Isabella
On Tuesday night, Nicks brothers and their girlfriends joined us and Wednesday we began the Disneyland Park madness. We spent three days at the parks and Isabella LOVED every second of it. She loved the characters most. Every time she saw any of the characters she started talking up a storm.
She also loved the Tiki Room. Of course we had a feeling since she loves looking at birds when we are out and about, and this is a room full of singing birds! Most days she just looked around taking it all in. She would nap in the ergo carrier while we were still at the park, and back at the hotel for a mid-day nap each day. She actually slept through the haunted mansion, Pirates of the Caribbean, and the entire Fantasmic show. She fell asleep during the fireworks display even! I can safely say that we have a traveler on our hands. She loves new places and people and being busy out in the world. She has little patience for sitting around the house but is happy as a clam when we take her out to see the world. It will be interesting to see how this goes as she gets older too.
The trip was truly wonderful and exactly what we needed. I got to feel sort of "normal" for a few days, just running around at Disney with my family. We had a ton of fun and a little relaxation too. Lorraine had us stay at the Grand Californian which is right on the Disney property with its own entry to California Adventure. It was so convenient and made being there with a baby totally doable.
We arrived home on Saturday evening, just in time to cheer my sister Sarah across the finish line of the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer on Sunday. She walked 40 miles in two days. Crazy. And she did it fast! She raised over $5000 for the walk, which is pretty awesome too. We are talking about doing the walk together next year. It could be fun! Hard to see much past the end of my nose these days though.
Next up is Isabella's first birthday! We will have a big bbq in celebration. I have quite a bit to do between now and then, but nothing too crazy. A little housecleaning and food preparation. Nothing like what I did for Nick's birthday! But it will be fun all the same. I'm looking forward to getting everyone together to celebrate my sweet girl. I continue to feel so lucky to have her.
Then after that- surgery. It is officially scheduled for August 4th. I'm admittedly feeling nervous about it, but trying not to future trip. I want this cancer done and gone. I'm over this process and it getting in the way of my life. Almost there. This is my own version of 40 miles I guess. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and eventually, I will get there.
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