Surgery is in four days. I'm feeling as ready as I think I'll get. Mostly pretty calm about it. I'm desperately trying to figure out what exactly I need to accomplish before getting knocked out for another chunk of time. It's harder than you might think. The obvious things like cleaning and paying bills are pretty easy, but beyond that it is just hard to imagine to what level I will be incapacitated. I'm trying not to be too crazy about it though since I know that I have a good amount of help and if something comes up after surgery, I'm sure I can get help to handle it.
The other major fear I have going in to this is losing my connection to Isabella during this recovery time. I know that I'm her mom and nothing can change that, but the fact is that during chemo there was some distance between us. Gratefully she is happy with other people and doesn't have separation anxiety. Unfortunately being so exhausted I can't be the fun and entertaining mommy that I would like to be. A good amount of her care comes from others, and most of her fun. I'm lucky to be able to nap with her some days. Sadly this has resulted in her frequently wanting little to do with me, or at the very least preferring to go to others. I've spent the last month working past this and getting back on track with our relationship. I feel like we are finally 90% back to "normal" and now I'm getting laid up again. I'm trusting that I won't lose all of the ground I've gained back, and what I do lose I will be able to recover again. Still, it hurts a little.
I guess what all of this means is that the next three days will be spent getting quality time with Bella in, and accomplishing a to-do list in preparation. I'll post again soon with the details of the surgery.
ENJOY YOUR GIRL :)
ReplyDeleteSome day, when she is a little older, Bella is going to look back on this blog you have made documenting her first year, and the hardships and successes you have faced in your first year as her mother.
ReplyDeleteAnd she will have nothing but love and pride for a mother who very clearly, loves her with all her heart and unconditionally places her at the center of her universe.
As you say Karey, you are Bella's mom, and nothing can change that. Beam her with your "Mama Love" as only you can when you are together, as in the greater scheme of things, this is just a blink Everything is PERFECT, including and esp. that your baby can go to others. Can you imagine how badly you would feel while focusing on your healing, your baby was inconsolable except by you? We are all in this together. I love you more than ever! Mama
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