Merry Christmas to All

Another year has come and gone.  As we look towards 2014 I wish you and yours love, happiness, laughter and health in this, and every year to come.

From our Beautiful Mess to yours...

 

Transformation

I'm increasingly realizing that 2014 is going to be a year of major transformation for me - whether I like it or not! :) As I ponder what I want out of the coming months, I struggle with what I have control over (me, or really, my attitude about things) and what I don't (everything else). I'm looking to transform my body (diet, exercise and surgery), my mind, spirit, and heart. I have no idea what it will look like, but I am more certain than I have ever been that in one years time I will look back from an entirely new place in life. I feel like a phoenix, having just burst into flames, ending life as I know it. I'm almost all ashes but from those ashes feel the stirring that will be my rebirth. I have no need to make any new years resolutions this year because I have no choice but to make changes. As I pace myself through the next few days, and our big Christmas celebration, I try to enjoy life as I've known it, for soon, I will be on the other side, walking a new and unfamiliar path. The frightening thing from this point is that I don't even know what that path entails. There isn't some big choice I'm about to make, just many little ones. I just know this is a turning point for the ship of my life. Only a few degrees and I have an entirely new destination.

My holiday bummer

I don't know if I even shared this here, but last month I had surgery. My expander from my mastectomy popped sometime this summer. I hoped to hold off on any further reconstruction until I could handle the big DIEP procedure. That requires 5 days in the hospital, and 6 weeks of recovery at home. So you can imagine how awesome that sounds with two small children. Anyhow with the popped expander I just couldn't take it and as it turned out the skin had started to retract anyhow. So I went in for an outpatient procedure to have my expander removed and an implant put in. Seemed easy, recovery seemed to be going well and I was on my way to more comfort. I did have a bleeding episode about a week later, but the surgeon checked me out and didn't seem concerned provided it stopped.

Fast forward to this past Monday. I thought I hurt myself in my recovery zone but didn't think much of it. Then I got the chills and a fever. It got progressively worse that night but I took some Nyquil thinking it was the flu my family has been passing around. I was laid up Tuesday with this "flu" but felt improved on Wednesday. I had my follow up scheduled with my surgeon and I was expecting a good report and to have my steri strips removed.

I spent the morning at my dads with the kids. Poor Gio stumbled and landed with his hand on the wood stove. Burned it straight up. We did everything we could but finally decided he needed to be checked by the pediatrician. They could see him 15 minutes after my appointment so my dad was taking the kids while I took myself into San Francisco. Nick met my dad so gratefully they were all together already. Gio is okay, though has blisters all over his palm. He will recover and has been in good spirits since he cried himself to sleep after the injury.

At the same time my mom was at the dentist dealing with an infected tooth. He managed to hit something and caused a hematoma leaving her face swollen. You know, because the tooth itself wasn't enough!

Meanwhile I see my doctor. He immediately notices my skin is red and warm to the touch. I really didn't notice that but hadn't really paid attention since Monday in my feverish state. I described my symptoms and we both quickly realized what was likely happening. He moved me to the procedure room, and confirmed I had a very bad internal infection. The external wound was mostly ok but just one corner told us what was going on. He wanted me in the OR as soon as possible. My odds of keeping the implant was 50/50 at best. Since this isn't my final plan for reconstruction, we decided to avoid a potential additional surgery and just take the implant out.

So last night, at about 6:30 I went back under the knife and had my implant removed. I'm back to not lifting my babies and preparing for the holidays from my bed or a chair. I'm on super antibiotics and have a drain in for at least a week. Gratefully physically I feel pretty good. Hopefully an easy recovery this time. I'm struggling with body image the most yet with this procedure. The skin will shrink up eventually but I've got some elephant man looking issues going on now. Definitely not very womanly. I'll need to get a prosthetic just to feel ok in clothes. I may have to avoid mirrors and eyes out of clothes. And remind myself this isn't the end of the road. Now I will be looking to do the DIEP procedure early next year. I'm guessing February but we have a ton to sort out before I can know.

My motto today is the universe has a plan and I just have to show up. I won't likely understand until I get to the other side of it all.

So there you go, the trifecta of holiday bummer.

Putting it out there

Dear Universe,

I am working on me.  Trying to find my way to the new and improved mommy version of Karey, while retaining some of the pre-mommy qualities I seem to have lost along the way.  And so, I am putting my desires out there in hopes that perhaps something will come along for me.

I am smart.  It is important for me to stretch my brain in ways that do not involve the Disney channel.  I want to feel like I am having an impact in a greater way than my own home.  And so, I think it is time for me to find my way back to work.  Here is what I desire.

I want to work outside of the home two days a week.

I want to work recruiting, advising, counseling people.  Account management would fit in that too.  I am excellent at speaking with people and connecting them with jobs, training, educational programs, or classes to help them move into the next place for their lives.

I have a master's in education.  I have experience in all of the things I listed above.  Most of my professional experience is in higher education and non-profit.

I like bringing people together.  I am constantly seeing ways to improve systems or move causes forward.

I am an excellent writer and editor, and although I do not want to do that exclusively (it can be awfully isolating) I do enjoy it as a part of my work.

I want to work in a company that truly understands the importance and power of a happy workforce.  You are no better than the people who work for you.  I want to work for a company, and a boss, who believes that deeply and shows it in their actions.  I require an environment that will support my love and obligation to my family, and trusts me to do that, and get my job done above expectations at the same time.  It must be more important that I do my job, than that I sit at my desk for certain hours.  Not to worry though, I want to be at that desk very much, as trying to sit at home and do my job with my kids just sounds like adding to my stress and chaos, not the diversity and interest of my life.

This is an intention setting.  If someone out there happens to read it, and has some brilliant idea to connect me with, even better.  Otherwise I will begin moving myself more practically to my end goal early next year.

I look forward to seeing where this intention brings me.  I seek wholeness of self, part career, part community, part family.  I have a great deal to give when I allow all parts of my self to shine.

Sincerely,
Karey

Giving thanks

This year I am particularly struggling with finding gratitude in my heart. I have a great deal to be thankful for, and yet I continue to be distracted by what I lack. It is proving to be an excellent constant exercise that I must CHOOSE gratitude and happiness. I must see the bounty that is my life, even while simultaneously feeling disillusioned.

So tomorrow I wish you gratitude and peace for whatever your life offers you, good, bad and ugly. Remember that wherever you are, it is, in some way, your choice to be there. Try to own that choice, and love it. Warts and all.

Happy Thanksgiving!

We have a walker!

It is official! Gio is walking! Bad picture but its all I've got for now...

Faith, Trust and Pixie Dust

Well our lives have gotten a little messier in the last week and slightly less beautiful. I'm not going to share details here, at least not yet. However, it is going to affect what I share here so I felt like acknowledging it. I don't know what my point to this post is. Maybe to say it is good to trust your gut and your instincts. They're usually accurate. Also, that we all have our battles, seen and unseen. I truly and completely experienced first hand how true it is that we all live in glass houses, and most of us can't see our own house. So if you can remember to hold your rocks, because things break easily whether you're inside the house, or outside. I am broken wide open at the moment. I know that I will heal back stronger than I was before. I'm sad and angry that I had to be broken again, but it seems that is what it will take for me in my life. This time, it at least feels like I will rise like a phoenix from the ashes I've been buried in. Oh and just in case you are concerned- I do not have cancer again. At least not to my knowledge. =)

Until then, I will survive on Faith, Trust and a little bit of Pixie Dust.

Halloween!

I already gave you pictures, but I realized I should document this Halloween as it was full of firsts!  This year was the first time Bella had full say over her costume.  She wanted to be like her cousin and requested a witch (Elphaba specifically) with a green face and all.  We test ran that at her preschool Halloween party the day before the holiday.  Her school is at a community center so her class all met in their room, lined up and went trick or treating at the rec center's front desk, and around the corner at the fire station.  Then they went back to the classroom for some snacks and play.  It was awfully cute.

Green Faced Elphaba

 

With her impish brother

 

 

Practice trick or treating!

The whole class

 

So scary! =)

On Halloween proper we decided that the all over green make-up was not very comfortable.  Bella went back and forth about it, but after seeing me finish my make up for my day of the dead costume asked for red lips.  I told her she could have red lips only if we didn't have green all over her face.  So she opted for green eyes and a painted on spiderweb and star.  I personally loved it and might use the design myself someday.  Then we went out to my sisters house for a Halloween dinner with their neighbors and finally out for Bella's very first REAL trick or treating.  We went up and down a main street near my sisters house that is so packed on Halloween they might as well shut the road down.  I thought Bella would get nervous with the crowds and having to greet strangers but I was mistaken.  After the first house she realized it was fun and these people gave her candy.  She was a pro by the end of the night.  And asleep before we got home! =)  I'm sure that Gio will get in on the action next year.

pretty witch!

 

dia de los muertos

 

Mommy and handsome devil

 

The whole family!

 

Check out my loot mom!

Surgery

The date is finally set!  Round one of reconstruction is scheduled.  November 19th I will be undergoing an exchange surgery.  This means that I will have my expander removed and an implant placed.  I had really hoped to skip this step and just deal with my (very uncomfortable) expander until I was ready for the DIEP procedure.  If you've been following me since my cancer days, you may recall that the DIEP surgery takes tissue from my abdomen (did someone say tummy tuck?) and build a living tissue breast out of it using microsurgery techniques.  Modern medicine is truly amazing sometimes.  Anyhow that surgery is MAJOR and requires several days in the hospital (ICU actually) as they have to carefully watch the tissue that is moved to ensure that the bloodflow takes and it doesn't go necrotic.  Then of course recovery from there involves my newly reconstructed breast, my abdomen and the other breast which will be lifted to match.  Not exactly something I'm prepared to deal with while I have two young children.  Probably something that will have to wait until they are in school and semi-self sufficient.

While waiting for that surgery didn't sound great either (did I mention how horribly uncomfortable the expander is?) avoiding an "extra" surgery was my preference.  Alas, my expander popped earlier this year.  I thought I might be able to still wait it out, at least for awhile, but I have become increasingly self-conscious of my extreme lopsidedness.  It wasn't good before (I still had to stuff my bra), but now its a joke.  I'm practically concave on the cancer side.  Compared to my still-breast feeding melon of a breast, I look like I'm always turning to my right.

I finally faced my (recent) fear of surgery and will be slaying this reconstruction dragon for now.  Wish me luck!

And for your viewing pleasure- Halloween with the Gauthiers.

Bella Witch- (Elphaba), the prettiest witch I know

The whole family, witch, dia de los muertos, handsome devil and Miami vice 80s something

 

Handsome Devil and Day of the Dead

Pinktober

We are two thirds done with Pinktober, aka breast cancer awareness month.  I used to feel really good every October, participating in a local benefit, buying pink things, and usually remembering to do a couple of self exams.  Now, as a survivor, I experience a level of anxiety and aggravation everywhere I go.  I am reminded daily (or more) of the monster I still carry on my back.  I can't shake the fear and worry about my own health for the future.  I also struggle with the increasing "overawareness" of this disease.  Cancer, particularly breast cancer, is BIG business.  People make so incredibly much money off of something that nearly destroyed me and my family and takes wonderful, amazing women out every single day.  What's worse are all the people that think buying something with a pink label on it actually helps.  It isn't the people I judge, but the companies who pinkwash their goods in the name of awareness, without donating one red cent to the cause. 

Anyhow, my point of this post was not to complain about the month of October (which include my amazing son's birthday AND Halloween, who couldn't love that?)... But to share with you that there is a vaccine in the works for triple negative breast cancer!  It is moving into clinical trials for humans in 2015.  AMAZING!  Exciting!  Here's who I learned about it from:
http://triplenegativebc.blogspot.com/2013/10/more-developments-on-vaccine.html

Serious Catch Up- Part 2 Preschool and Gios Birthday!

I realized I needed to split these posts up.  They were just going to be too massive in one.  I suppose the smart thing would have required writing individual posts, but c'est la vie.

After returning home from Disney, we hit the ground running and started straight in for Bella's preschool.  She goes two days a week for two and a half hours.  Fairly small amount of time but it has proven to be exactly perfect for her.  The school she goes to is strictly a school.  There is no day care or extended hours.  In fact, it is in a local recreation center, so they actually set up and take down each of the rooms every day.  There are usually 5-7 stations set up each day.  Always an art project that each child gets to rotate through with the teacher.  Usually some sort of fantasy play (train tracks, or a farm or a doll house, etc).  Often play dough, puzzles and other focused play items.  They go outside to the attached park, have a snack, and a story circle each day.  It took awhile for Bella to begin to connect with the kids but she is slowly gaining familiarity with them.  It is still a relatively slow drop of (typically 5-10 minutes now) but I know she is not upset when I leave.  She is always happy to go which I take as a very good sign.  I originally thought she should go 3 days a week, going up to 4 next year in preparation for 5 days a week preschool the following year.  Right now, 2 days is more than enough, though we also have gymnastics on a third day.  We will see how the next year and a half go. I know insane amounts of growth happen between now and five, but it is hard to imagine in such a short amount of time that she will be ready to begin real school.  Time will tell I suppose!  Here is my sweet girl on her first day.

The final update- Gio's First Birthday!  I can hardly believe my little man is one already!  As I consider the likelihood that this is my last baby, every milestone is bittersweet.  He shows more and more personality every day.  He is a little ham and quite the Casanova.  He looks you straight in the eye and melts your heart.  At the last moment (one week to be exact) we decided to have the big bash for Gio's first.  It was Halloween themed, particularly focusing on the pumpkin.  You can read all about it here.  It was a sweet day.  Dinner and cake and loved ones.  Nothing crazy.  A couple of photos of the big one year old.

Serious Catch Up- Part 1 Disney and Family Photos

My goodness I have not been on it with keeping up to date here.  I have some time tonight and hope to (sort of) correct that.  So, here we go. =)

First things first.  I mentioned we did a little family photo shoot back in August.  The pictures are lovely.  Here are some sneak peeks for you!

And the best part?  These aren't even the best ones!  So many adorable pictures of my littles.  But I have to save the best ones for our holiday cards! =)  We spent the day out at Tomales Bay visiting Hog Island Oyster Company and the Marshall Store.  Good food, and beautiful pictures.  I also had Ron Miller take some photos of the kids in Nick's corvette since we are working towards selling the car even though we do love it.  This was a way to capture its beauty in our family.

Early September we found ourselves traveling down to southern California for a family vacation at Disneyland.  We visited with Nick's Aunts and Uncles down there and played at the "happiest place on Earth" for a few days.  It was a very nice week.  Something I realized we need to do more often.  It is too too easy to get caught up in the craziness of daily life, especially with two young children.  To take some time to just get away from it all is so important.  The kids particularly benefit from some relaxed time with the four of us together.  Bella went on her first big kid rides.  She went on Splash Mountain- twice!  Once with me and once with Nick.  She also went on the Tower of Terror.  She wasn't such a big fan of that.  I think mostly she found the lead up to the ride scary.  If it was a simple elevator ride with no spooky start, she probably would have giggled through the whole thing.  Finally she went on Soarin Over California.  She really liked that too.  She is still waiting to be big enough to go on the roller coasters.  It will be interesting to see how she takes to those!  She is big enough for Big Thunder Mountain Railroad, but it was closed for renovations.  I suspect she will LOVE it once she can go on it.  I'm sure there are probably some other stories to tell but frankly, it's been too long for me to remember all the details!  Here are the pictures from Disney...