I've been wanting to write for some time now. Many different thoughts have been percolating and I've felt that drive to get them out on "paper" in some form. I haven't been sure what to say though. It's been a challenging few weeks. Who am I kidding? I'm not sure it ever stopped being challenging- I just found distractions for awhile. But I have had some acute things come up recently. Things with my life still aren't settled. I am trying to find a job that allows me to get clear regarding finances with my ex. I have needed to come to resolution regarding the sale (or not) of my house. I need to know what comes next. I know it is happening. I feel the shift, even if I can't see it yet. But that still makes it hard and scary as I continue to put one foot in front of the other. You just have to trust that the ground is still in front of you for each of those steps.
The largest "new" anxiety that is occupying my mind is how to deal with the upcoming holidays. The holidays matter to me. They always have. I have no less than six large bins full of Christmas decorations. I have thirty some pieces of china so I could host holidays like Thanksgiving. I love dressing up and decorating for Halloween. I
love the holidays. So it is important to me to share them with my children. When my marriage ended, one of the things I said was that I didn't have children to split holidays and they would be with me. He was welcome to join us. Well last year that worked. However things have changed. I mentioned to him that we should check in about Halloween, and discovered that he had already made plans with the kids to go with his girlfriend and her family. This is not an activity or group I would be welcome to join. It wasn't as though he said "well the kids really want to do this but you are welcome to come with us" or anything of the sort. He started talking about how we would have to split the night up. Really? The four of us can't go trick or treating together? He can't handle walking around with me for an hour or so? It was a shocking realization. I didn't know how to handle it. I frankly haven't actually handled it other than in my own head. I resolved to ask to have the kids come to me to get ready. I will paint their faces, dress them up, take some pictures, and send them on their way. I can go out and celebrate Halloween with friends. It hurts. It isn't what I want, but I support my kids desire to go with their dad this time.
Thanksgiving and Christmas will not be so easy. I will not spend those days- which are for
family without my children. I won't. Now, I will always welcome their father to share in their lives. It is his choice to come or not. But I will not be alone. I will not be without my kids. I will fight for this. I'm afraid I will have to. I don't like the idea that this is even a conversation I have to have. It makes me sick to my stomach. Mostly I couldn't believe that I even had to consider this. But I heard today that my ex informed his mom that "we are no longer a family" (meaning the four of us) and so we don't do things together anymore... It explains everything. And is so, so, so wrong... How do I help him understand that he and I may no longer be a couple, but the fact is that we are family whether he likes it or not? We are the parents of our children. That makes us family. They deserve to have both of their parents in their lives. They shouldn't have to choose. How dare he make our children choose??? I haven't done anything to him. He is unhappy because his choices have left him in an uncomfortable life situation. I get it. I want to move forward too. But even with that, I am fighting, every day, to heal and forgive and move forward,
for our children. It breaks my heart that he can't do the same. And after all we have been through, I may not want him back as my life partner, but it still hurts to hear him say that he doesn't consider me family anymore. That is an incredibly low blow. I don't know about you all, but my family doesn't work that way. Once you are family, you are
forever family.
