Messy Ego Pain

So one of the interesting parts of divorce is generally speaking, one person was more "out" than the other, leaving one in more pain (usually).  In our case, without going into details, I was the person still fighting for our marriage, hoping it would work out.  I have since come to realize how toxic it truly had become (not to say that we couldn't have overcome that) but still, I feel "left" by him.  So now, as we move on with our lives, there is a part of me that wants to "move on" before he does.  I need to prove how loveable I am, so that some part of him knows he was wrong.  The more intelligent, less egocentric part of me knows how silly that is and that even if I was married tomorrow to the man of my dreams, superior in all ways, a modern prince charming, that it simply doesn't work that way.


This past weekend something came up that really sent my ego into a tailspin.  Nick posted something on social media that, to me, was showing publicly (somewhat) how he has already moved on.  Not everyone would be able to interpret it the way I did, but if you are familiar with the details of our situation, it would be hard not to.  Meanwhile, dating has been... challenging for me.  And that particular day, the most interesting new person I had heard from, turned out to be... wait for it... a prisoner.  Yep.  I attract creeps (that's another story for another day) and prisoners.  Okay, that isn't totally fair.  I have met a couple of really good guys, that for one reason or another it hasn't become more than a date or two, or friendship, but for the most part, yeah... A prisoner....


It took me a full two days before my heart wasn't split in two with my ego screaming out for justice.  I'm still extra sensitive, but it is much better than it was.


After everything I have been through in the last 4 or so years, it is hard to not feel like I "deserve" better.  I "deserve" my happy ending.  Not that it ever works that way for anyone.  But it is definitely that much harder to stay strong in the face of what my life is today, when I am reminded that it doesn't matter how good a person I am, or how bad a person someone else might be, we get what we get. 


After a great deal of processing, I have come to one conclusion.  I need something for me.  I'm working on finding a job (something really awesome could be in the works, fingers crossed for me!) but I think it is time I returned to my art.  There are two shows being put up this year and I am thinking it is time to audition again.  We will have to sort out the kids, especially if I am working, but I think it is time to remind myself and the world that I am awesome.  I am strong.  I am talented.  I am beautiful.  I am a force to be reckoned with.

S.O.S.

I was reminded just the other day of an agreement I made with a friend of mine.  We were talking about how hard it can be to reach out for support when that is exactly what we need, and may even want.  But if you don't know what kind of support you need. or possibly even what is wrong, knowing who to reach out to, or how to reach out to them is at times, impossible.  So we made an agreement that if one of us was ever in a space like that, all we had to do was send a text message.


S.O.S.


Hard to get more simple than that right?  Well, neither of us have ever used it.  But it is a good idea and one that I'm hoping to implement more fully in my life.  Now that I am on my own, I frequently feel like I am drowning.  Today is a perfect example of that.  I took some benedryl last night- early- thinking that if I got a really solid night of sleep that I would wake up today energized and ready to take on the world.  Instead, I made my daughter late to preschool because I was so completely exhausted I simply couldn't get out of bed.  That is only the beginning.  Then, my daughter melted down when I tried to leave her at preschool.  She was hyper emotional.  The truth is, our lives have been a little crazy.  First her dad was out of town for a week.  Then we had "normal" for a week.  Then I went out of town for a week.  Then we had "normal" for half a week.  Now her dad is out of town again, this time for 12 days.  So we are talking about an entire month of "not normal"... No wonder the poor girl is struggling with some high emotions.  When I finally left, my son melted down.  He desperately wants to stay and play at school like the big kids.  He and I did okay during the rest of our morning, a little grocery shopping and some cartoons kept us together.  Then the afternoon was just one high emotion to the next between the two kids, and frankly, me.  We are all tired.  We are all worn out.  None of us are doing great.  There is nothing actually wrong.  We have all gotten enough sleep.  We have all eaten well.  We could all probably stand to move our bodies more, but we are healthy.  Still, we are simply out of sorts.


Take all of that, and add on a messy house.  I've been drowning.  And my good days don't bring me up high enough to start at zero again.  Today, my "wins" were: getting milk at the store before we ran out, sweeping the dining room, making a really delicious and healthy dinner, getting the kids to bed on time, and getting the trash cans out to the curb.  I'm not dissing any of those things.  Those are solid wins.  But as I look around at my house, the laundry piling up, my bedding needing to be changed, every floor needing a really good vacuum/sweep/mop, the front yard needing tending, plants needing watering... The list continues... It is hard to not feel like I should just let go and accept that I am going to drown.  That getting my head out of water isn't going to happen.


And so back to my original premise.  I offer you the S.O.S.  I am really good at showing up for other people when I can't show up for myself.  If my sister or a friend called me falling apart the way I feel inside right now, I would go to their house, cleaning tools in hand, or dinner at the ready, and get to work.  Finding my way to do that for myself seems so much more epically challenging.  I know that I have people like that in my life too.  So although I am not at the moment invoking the S.O.S. I am setting forth that from here on out, it is available.  Anytime, simply text, email, call, or post those three little letters, and I will step up to help you save our selves.  I promise, I will use it too. =)

Friendship

As I take a break from my VERY dusty cleaning project, I have a view of my collection of framed photos in my living room. It is full of the shining faces of my closest friends (among others). I've written a bit here before about my challenges with friendship in the past. It was an area that I just consistently struggled with in my life. I was never really sure why. For many years I took the old and tired excuse that I "just wasn't like other women"... I didn't understand many of the issues that came up. I frequently caused offense where none was intended and was frequently let down myself.

Today, as I sit here looking at these pictures, my heart is full. I have many friends now that I know I can call at any time and they will be there for me. And I for them. These are genuine friendships where I feel like I can bring my whole self to the table and be loved for exactly who I am. I can fall apart, or be strong, and I will still be seen as me. Just the knowledge that I have these people in my life gives me strength to journey forward in my life, no matter what new challenge I am presented with. Some of these people I talk to nearly daily, others every couple of months or more. And yet, the love is there.

So although I crave the love and company of a partner, I think this year may be the year of friendship for me. And that's pretty amazing. Last year I worked on myself in a silo. This year I continue the journey of self transformation in the comfort of my amazing friends. Who knows where I can go from here, but I have great faith that it will be beautiful, and totally worth it.