Is it real?

I have been on a bit of a downward spiral of late.  Struggling across many facets of life.  As an indication- my Christmas tree is still up.  Yes.  It is nearly Valentines day and I haven't managed to get my tree down.  I manage to get my kids to school, and fed healthy food, and to bed on time.  I manage to show up for my own job, albeit for less hours than my boss (and I) would ultimately like.  And that is where my success stories pretty much stop.  I have been fighting severe, chronic fatigue for over a year now.  It comes and goes, so I didn't see it as an overall issue until recently.  I've spent the last year believing it was due to hypothyroid (possibly Hashimoto's syndrome) and/or adrenal fatigue.  Although I'm not totally taking those things off the list, I have come to a new, more likely culprit for my exhaustion.

Sleep disorder.

I have been referred to a sleep center for a sleep study.  We reviewed what I know and it looks highly likely that I suffer from sleep apnea.  There are some other possibilities as well, but for now I am focusing on that one.

Once I began considering this as an issue, I started to realize that I may have suffered from this my whole life.  There are many times that I look back at my life and have moments of such extreme exhaustion that were clearly at a clinical level of unusual, but I simply took to be normal.  I remember getting in trouble at work once because I had to do a late airport run (delayed flight) and called in late the night before because I knew I would be non-functionally tired.  My then supervisor asked me how I could possibly know I'd be too tired.  I thought she was nuts and wondered how could you not know you'd be that tired.  If I got less than a full 8 hours of sleep, I was affected by it.  I thought that was normal.  We should be getting 8 hours right?  Less should make us tired, right?

Apparently, not exactly the way I experience it... Lack of sleep affects everything.  So the past few days I've really had to fight believing what I'm feeling.  Right now I feel depressed, disconnected, exhausted, sore, run down, and overwhelmed.  Life is too much.  I want so desperately for my life to be happier, better, fuller, but I can't even stay on top of what is on my plate right now.

My sleep study is scheduled for this week.  I am staying focused on not believing how I feel until I get some answers and some solutions.  Once I can start sleeping well, hopefully the rest will resolve itself.  Fingers crossed!

The Working Brain

Several different posts have been percolating in my brain for awhile now.  Between a lack of time and energy, and a lack of clear focused thought, I haven't written anything... So here I am, writing what will no doubt be a rambling post to start finding some coherence to these thoughts...

One of the big topics that has been brewing is what it means to be a single mom.  Things I wish people would understand, things I wish people would do, and how I wish I was seen.  I've noticed some of my own judgments, and also judgments of others (well presumed judgments based on actions)... This perpetual feeling that I'm not enough in any capacity.  I don't have it in me to be all things to all people.  A patient mommy full of crafts and positive discipline.  A hardworking employee with productive, disciplined focus.  A fun friend who listens and plays and shows up.  A grown up that handles all the cooking and cleaning and bill paying.  It feels like so much, and yet it is just life.  I'm certain that I need to write the post of "what I wish you knew" or something to that effect in terms of my life as a single mom.  How it affects my ability to be present, and how desperately lonely it can be.  For now though, suffice it to say, it is crazy hard.  And yes, I have shared custody, and an ex who pays his child support and alimony with no issues.  And it is still insanely hard.  And I still feel like I'm failing every single day.

Another topic has been how to move on after betrayal.  I've really found that I am stuck in hurt and anger.  There is a lot to be explored there as I watch my ex, who used to be my best friend, and who promised to love me forever, move on with his life with his prefab family, while I struggle.  The crushing blow that is to my deep need and sense of justice in the world.  Infidelity is a brutal one.  Especially when the relationship continues beyond the end of the marriage.  It is a pain and betrayal unlike any other.  I want so badly to forgive and move on with my own life, but the hurt is very sticky.

Finally I am approaching my five year cancerversary.  I'm still unclear if the official designation is the date of diagnosis, or the date of "cancer free" but I will acknowledge my diagnosis date for now.  Which is this month.  There is so much to say around the magical five year marker.  Have I moved on from cancer?  Hard to say... Meanwhile I struggle with severe chronic fatigue which seems to be causing other health issues.  The good news is I think I may have some answers soon.  But the fascinating thing is how ever present the fear of cancer remains.  Something is wrong?  Could it be cancer?

So there you have it.  A preview of topics to come.  I'm sure there are more ideas percolating that my tired brain has forgotten at the moment... Lord knows my life looks awfully different today that it did even six months ago.  Time flies when you're having... fun???