Baby's First... Holidays!

I cannot believe how long it has been since I last posted.  We have enjoyed Thanksgiving, a trip to Las Vegas, and Christmas!  Isabella is 5 months old.  I don't know where the time has gone.  So before I get ahead of myself, let me back track...

November was a little bit of a rough month as I let go of my breastfeeding goals.  We did pretty well keeping up with my supply until the week of Thanksgiving I was hit with a nasty stomach flu.  What they say about illness affecting your milk supply- it's all true!  Anyhow I'll talk more about that later.  So then it was time for Thanksgiving!

This was Bella's first experience at a big holiday party.  She did fairly well, but it was a little overwhelming for her.  She needed to be taken into a quiet room periodically just to settle down.  I can understand how stimulating it can be surrounded by so many people laughing and talking, even if they do all love you.  She was the same way for both the Thanksgiving party on Thursday at her Noni Lorraine's and at the Saturday after at Grandpa Dennis'.  Happy one moment and screaming the next.  But we tried to keep her happy with regular naps and removing her from the party from time to time.

Then it was my birthday!  Nick and I went to dinner at Auberge du Soleil in Napa, which was a fabulous dining experience.  It was also our first real date night.  Bella stayed home with Noni Lorraine.

Next up was our trip to Las Vegas for Nick's company Christmas party!  I was a little nervous about flying between tighter TSA procedures and having a baby on the plane.  Bella did great though.  She needed a little extra entertainment on the flight out there to stay happy, but she did great, and then although she was cranky on the way home, she slept the whole plane ride.  The actual trip was great too.  Bella really enjoyed herself in Vegas!  All the lights and colors and sounds- it was like ADD baby paradise!  We also scheduled a family photo shoot with our fabulous wedding photographer Ron Miller.  He captured some amazing shots of Bella, and really nailed her personality.  I can't wait to look back at these photos with her when she is older.  Some of her expressions are hilarious!  Best of all we got to spend time with our friends the Shelahs and have the babies meet each other.  Dominic and Bella are only 6 weeks apart, so it was pretty fun to see the two of them together. 

What happened next has changed my immediate future entirely.  I quit my job.  Yep- I am officially staying home with Miss Bella.  It is wonderful and daunting all at the same time.  I am so grateful to be home with her for these important moments, but also unsure of what this will look like.  I've worked pretty much my entire life since high school, so to have an identity that isn't somewhat connected to what I "do" is a new experience.  I'm sure I'll adjust!

Immediately after quitting my job and returning from our trip, it was time to start preparing the house for the holidays!  We were hosting Christmas Eve so we had to clean (have I mentioned how hard it is to keep house when you are occupied by a baby all day???), decorate, and do those extra party prep tasks such as getting out the extra tables and chairs.  It quite literally took me all month and a lot of extra hands to accomplish all of the tasks at hand.  But we made it and celebrated Isabella's first Christmas!

Christmas Eve was a success.  Bella has really grown up so much.  She enjoyed the party immensely, frequently being passed around between grandparents and aunties and uncles and cousins.  She would get fussy and go take a nap in her cosleeper and return to the party much happier.  She wore a lovely Christmas party dress showing her holiday spirit, and enjoyed "opening" her first Christmas presents including books, clothes, and new toys!  Such a lucky girl.  Christmas day was spent relaxing at home with just the three of us.  We were all pretty wiped out from the party.  We did get to go to my sister Sarah's house for a quiet dinner with their family and my mom.  A perfect first Christmas for our sweet girl.

So much has happened it is hard to believe that it has been five months already.  I feel like I just brought Bella home from the hospital and at the same time like she has been with us forever.  She grows by leaps and bounds every day.  We are getting ready for some major milestones- starting "solid" foods, moving to her crib in her own room, setting a "schedule" for naps and bedtime.  So much to do in the next few weeks!  We are also starting with some baby sign language and hoping that she will starting signing too.  She is certainly aware of what things are and that she wants to express her opinions.

So there is an update on all things Bella.  I will try really hard to not wait so long till my next post, but can't help it when this baby life is so fun to live! =)  Until next time!

Time keeps flying...

Baby life keeps time moving at warped speed!  I'm amazed that on Friday Bella will be 16 weeks!  So if you count months by 4 weeks then she would be 4 months old!  I still say 3.5 until we get to the 23rd, but all the same, she is a big girl!

This past week has brought us to a new phase.  I have come to a place of acceptance that perhaps the breastfeeding is as good as it is going to get.  I continue to work on my supply in hopes of getting her to mostly breast milk (perhaps even exclusively breast milk???) but I think she will probably never get off the shield and will only breastfeed during the early morning feedings.  So she gets bottles during the day and I am okay with that.  Pumping is a pain but if it means she gets more breast milk, it is the best thing I can do.

In the meantime I am working on focusing on what life is going to look like from here forward.  Settling into routines, discovering how to function in "real life" with a baby, and remembering who I am before baby and with baby.  She is a wonderful little being.  Her disposition is fiery and sweet.  Strange combo I know but makes perfect sense knowing her parents! =)  She can go from laughing and cooing one second to screaming the next.  And yes, I do mean screaming.

Some milestones happening at the moment make each and every day a new adventure.  Currently she is really discovering her hands- grabbing things, sucking on them, and enjoying them altogether.  She really wants to sit up and frequently crunches forward and up when she is sitting in her car seat or other reclined positions.  She is also SO social.  She really loves people and checks them out with intensity.  She stares you down looking deeply with her eyes and usually ends with a coy smile.  She is also really interested when we are eating.  I suspect once "solid" foods are introduced she will be very excited about eating.  She absolutely stares me down every time I eat in front of her, following the fork (or whatever) with her eyes and laughing whenever I make "yummy" sounds.

She is a wonderful little girl and I am loving getting to know her.  It is still hard work and challenges me daily, but the rewards are like nothing else I've experienced.

Here is a family photo from the pumpkin patch last week!

Some success!

I started taking my new medication on Saturday and am already seeing some improvement with my milk supply only 4 days later!  So I'm feeling pretty hopeful that maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get back to feeding Isabella exclusively breast milk.  Just in time to start solids I suppose but oh well!  Even if that means I end up pumping more than she needs, I'll throw it in the freezer and she can benefit from breast milk for far longer than I expect to breastfeed!

I realize that I promised another entry with the fun and wonderful world of baby update but honestly it is difficult to simply get through the day most days.  Bella can be a little demanding and we are still working out our systems.  She needs her sleep (if she doesn't get two solid one hour naps- or longer- each day, she can be a real pill!) and lately in order to make that happen during the day, I have to hold her the entire time.  This leaves me rather incapacitated.  So we are working on being able to put her down a little more often.  She needs more floor time any how to build her strength and begin working on rolling over.

What else is going on?  Well she is very interactive these days.  She loves to play face games with you and can laugh for a very long time as long as you smile and make funny faces.  She has also just discovered her hands!  She love love loves to suck on her hands and fingers and has even started self soothing from time to time.

A couple of weeks ago Bella had taken to screaming every time we got in the car.  I think it was because she was really into faces and interacting with people at that point, so sticking her in the back seat with no one to talk to made her feel alone (which can be a little scary for a baby!).  I was starting to think I would never leave the house again when suddenly one day I had to get out of the house for an appointment and she was just inconsolable.  So I put her in the car seat and said "okay, well I guess you will be crying then!" and headed to the car.  The next thing I know she is happy as a clam sucking on her hands and hanging out in the back seat of the car.  Since then she has been mostly happy in the car, only crying when she is hungry or tired!

Her temperament continues to prove she is hot-headed like her daddy.  There are days when I just cannot figure out why she is crying, and let me tell you, she has got quite the set of lungs!  She can SCREAM like nobodies business.  You know how people say that newborns have the sweetest cry and you don't realize that it isn't so loud until they get older?  Well we are WAY past that phase!  I've had a few professionals experience my dear Bella's meltdowns and they all have this look of deep sympathy for me like they can't believe I am holding up so well in light of this child's screaming.  Makes me wonder if I'm missing something! =)

That is all I have for tonight.  It is late (as usual- the only time I can accomplish anything!) and I need to get myself to bed.  Bella is growing bigger and stronger and more beautiful by the day.  She is a wonderful little girl and I am really loving getting to know her each and every day.  Screaming and all... =)

Continuing the battle

I am continuing to fight the battle to breastfeed Isabella.  She continues to take about 10 ounces of formula each day (average).  I try my very best to pump every day (3-5 times per day is typical, in addition to breastfeeding 4-6 times each day).  I take all sorts of herbal supplements.  Now I am down to my final effort to get rid of the formula altogether.  I have ordered a pill called Domperidone, which supposedly will help my supply.

I have to admit, I feel like this whole baby thing is getting harder, not easier.  I realize that I was in complete euphoria in the beginning, but even in comparison to my first meltdown, I just feel like I am working harder and struggling more than I was before.  I no longer feel like I can breastfeed in public (which I did several times in the first couple of months).  Not because I am modest, but because breastfeeding is such a chore now.  I have to fight Isabella to keep her latched, and I am still using the nipple shield.  I play a game by using a pacifier to get her sucking and then do a quick switcheroo to get her onto the breast (shield).  It is as though she just forgets how to suck.  I really don't understand this.  Her ability to breastfeed has literally gotten worse!  I thought as babies grow older and bigger that they get better at breastfeeding.

This combined with the pumping has made me feel chained to my house, or guilty because I know my supply will suffer and I will have to work harder to get it back over the following days.  But I continue to fight because I hate how the formula works in her system.  I know that she is "fine" and if I asked my pediatrician about the things I see in her, he would tell me that she is "normal".  Yes it is true that it is "normal" for a formula fed baby, but that doesn't make it good.  I just inherently know that it is trash for her body.  In small quantities I don't mind it, but 10 oz a day is just too much.  Her whole system is out of whack.  Plus cold and flu season is rapidly approaching and I desperately want to give her the "goods" that breast milk offers to protect her over the winter months.

Meanwhile I think I am finally having my hormone crash, and starting to wonder if this might be early post-partum depression/anxiety.  I am definitely making mountains out of molehills and so anxious about everything that is going on.  Plus my hair is starting to fall out.  (I'm not going bald or anything, you grow more hair during pregnancy and then lose it after- all part of the hormone fun.)  I am meeting with my doctor tomorrow to figure this out.  This is after seeing my counselor on Monday and falling apart in his office.  I've cried every day for the past week (maybe more now???)...  Yeah, I think this is more than just normal crazy old me.

Well Isabella is waking up so I will save the good stuff for another post soon (I promise!).  I need to get her into bed (she has been sleeping in her swing).  I need to get myself into bed.  Nick offered to have me get a head start and I'm fighting with mild insomnia so I didn't go.  Not the brightest since I've been exhausted all week.  C'est la vie, right???

Off to bed!

Continued update...

In re-reading my post from yesterday I thought it would be good to write again about baby life as we know it.

Isabella is a wonderful little personality.  She is very social- loves to smile and laugh and coo at all sorts of people.  I wear her around the grocery store in the bjorn and she attracts people like nobodies business!  She is also a bit hot tempered, usually going from 0-60 in .2 seconds.  She amazes me continually, one second smiling and laughing away, the next second turning beet red and sweating from screaming so loud.  I work very hard to try and anticipate her needs so that we can avoid these screaming fits, but sometimes I swear that even when her need is presented to her (as opposed to coming from her own awareness) she gets just as upset if it isn't immediately taken care of.

This personality is a big part of what makes breastfeeding such a challenge.  Even with my supply up, I've determined that I need to have an over supply (in other words I need to be so full that I am literally spraying/leaking rapidly) to meet her impatient needs.  She requires such immediate satisfaction (should I be warned of things to come!?!) that it is frequently difficult to get her to do her "job" in order to get what she wants/needs from me.

So what else can I tell you about our life with baby Isabella?  Her growth amazes me every day.  First she started responding to the "stim" toy on her car seat that was red, black and white.  She would smile and laugh at it.  Then she started "playing" in her rock 'n play chair and loving the bug toys that hang on that.  She started out just looking at one and now she can sit in there for a good half an hour just playing away.  She kicks her feet and laughs at the bugs.  Now I can see her brain really working hard to figure out how to make the one bug "sing" to her.  She knows which bug makes the music and has accidentally grabbed it a couple of times, turning it on.  Tonight I watched her get mad because she couldn't make it happen again.  You can really see her brain at work- synapses firing away and connections building.  She also will fall asleep on her own sometimes (not having to be rocked or nursed to sleep).  She will even go to sleep in her swing now (which she didn't like at all when she was smaller).  Her favorite of all toys?  A simple mirror.  She absolutely loves looking at the pretty baby in the mirror who smiles back at her. =)

In many ways she is a very secure baby.  She will let other people hold her (provided she is in an acceptable mood to begin with), and will usually even smile and talk to them.  At the same time she seems to be having "mommy moments" where no one can get her to settle down except me.  I was starting to worry that she was entering a true mommy phase, but Nick has had some success settling her down even when I couldn't.  It was daunting though thinking about being the only one she wanted.  I didn't mind in the beginning (it was quite good for me actually) but now I'm starting to need just a little more space for me again.  A simple shower is still a luxury to have entirely alone.  I'm mostly quite happy spending my days with Isabella, but can definitely see that the ability to put her down while napping, or playing, so that I can feel even slightly productive is increasingly important for my mental health.  The fussiness is also starting to wear me down.  I wouldn't usually call her a fussy baby, but I'm starting to wonder if that is just because I have no real point of reference.  With that said I also usually blame it on the feeding situation.  Well that and her clear need for sleep!

That's another thing that's interesting about her.  She is a total sleeper.  She needs a lot of sleep each day or she can be a real terror.  A "normal" day (whatever that is) usually has us getting up in the morning around 10am.  She eats and then plays for a bit.  Then she usually naps from about 11 to about 1 (give or take).  Then she eats again, plays again, and is back to sleep around 2 until about 4 or 5.  Plays a little (or screams), eats some more and then naps again.  This time frame is more "cat napping" as it is more on and off in shorter spurts.  Then around 9:30 she eats and is usually down for the night by about 10 or so.  She typically sleeps until 4am, eats, goes back to sleep until about 7, eats again, and then we start all over around 10.  This is clearly not set in stone, but if she doesn't get at least two solid naps during the day (at least 1.5 hours, and that is short) then by 6pm she is screaming bloody murder.  This was no problem when she would sleep anywhere for hours at a time, but that is becoming less and less the case.  She will sleep anywhere as long as she is in my arms.  She usually will fall asleep in her car seat, but if we are out, generally will wake up within 10 minutes of being out of the car.  So that's one that we will have to figure out.  Once she is sleeping less and we can fix nap times a little more, at least I can manage a schedule with her.  The nice part is that she definitely has clear patterns from day to day.  On top of that, she has slept through the night (we're talking 8+ hours here) 3 times!  Twice in a row this past week actually.

So as much as breastfeeding has been an insane challenge for us, at least she is a great sleeper.  I guess we all have our challenges with our babies, and this is mine.  She is really a wonderful little girl though.  Her smile warms my heart and she can entertain me for hours when we play.  I think as she grows we will be great playmates.  I love to sing to her and will definitely teach her songs.  I am starting to use baby sign language too whenever I can remember so that we can communicate as early as she is ready (since she clearly has opinions already!).  Meanwhile I am reading The Female Brain and getting great insight into myself and also good reminders of what to prepare for as she grows.  It makes me grateful to be in the mommy phase of my brain development though!  Lots of oxytocin is coursing through my brain currently, keeping me happy despite sleep deprivation, frustration and anxiety over breastfeeding, and general anxiety and worry over the well-being of my baby.  Fascinating stuff!

A sweet sleeping baby- taken tonight!

The saga continues

Well we continue to work hard on our breastfeeding challenge.  My supply is up some, but still not where it needs to be (of course Isabella's needs continue to increase at the same time!).  Pumping after each nursing session (and of course any time she won't eat off of me or can't eat off of me) is a huge challenge.  I've had moderate success, but certainly not what I would call 100 percent.  So how did we get here?  Let's see, where do I begin...

As I mentioned my first session with the lactation consultant revealed to me that my supply was low and I needed to do a massive amount of work to get it up and still supplement Isabella to appropriately nourish her.  So then Isabella began getting bottles several times each day.  Well anyone can tell you that a baby who gets several bottles each day, particularly after breastfeeding from a mommy who isn't filling you up, will quickly discover that a bottle is the way to go.  My beautiful little girl is excellent at letting me know what she wants and let me tell you, if it wasn't a bottle, it wasn't happening.  She quickly began refusing to breastfeed- even with a nipple shield- altogether!  So we went back to the lactation consultant and ended up in tears because she was refusing so vehemently.  But with a supplemental nursing system in hand I was determined to get her back on track.  And I succeeded!  We were able to get her back nursing with the supplemental system to satiate her hunger quickly.  But the struggles continued.  At my next lactation appointment, she yet again refused to eat off me (though it was circumstantial this time, not due to the bottle issue) and the consultant noticed that perhaps her breathing was the issue.  She clearly struggles to breathe at times and it certainly could be a factor in her poor breastfeeding.

So we went to the pediatrician who diagnosed her with essentially extra soft cartilage in her trachea.  She will outgrow it but it will be a bummer until then.  Not very helpful, but good to know.

Now we just continue to battle.  We did see a cranial-sacral therapist who did an "adjustment" on Isabella, and turned her into a zen baby for the afternoon.  So I may try that again.  It also helped her latch (without the shield!) three times that week (twice the same day as the adjustment and once another day later in the week).

It is the hardest thing I've ever done.  But I know this is best for my baby and trust that we will get there.  I will try to update again soon (and not when I am desperately tired and ready for bed!).  I know that my experience could help someone avoid similar drama.  I keep telling my girlfriends of childbearing age and stage that they will benefit greatly from me having gone through this first.  I'll share those graphic details and am not afraid to look "bad" in the process.  This pregnancy and baby stuff is tough business!  Now I understand the tribal call! =)

Here's a newer picture of our beautiful girl.  She just keeps getting bigger every day!

The scoop

As I mentioned before, I'm struggling with breastfeeding. I thought it was in part the nipple shield I was given, and in part a demanding baby. Well I finally went to the lactation consultant, and although that statement is somewhat true, the actual issue is that my milk supply is insufficient.

As it turns out, with a nipple shield, particularly when it is given to you before your milk even comes in, you are supposed to pump eight times per day! Certainly at least four times per day. Unfortunately no one gave me any guidance at all, particularly that key piece of information. So although my milk did in fact come in, my supply was never properly established.

So now, instead of simply dealing with eliminating the shield, I am working on increasing my supply- and it is work. I haven't been daunted by much in this process but the task at hand is daunting. I need to take supplements three times per day (which must be with food or my stomach is upset- but I frequently don't eat three times a day, or simply just forget the pills), and I have to pump after each nursing session (in addition to supplementing my hungry baby with a bottle since she isn't getting enough from me).

I feel like I need to be three people to accomplish all of this while caring for Isabella, and not leaving myself in the cold either. So far I managed to pump three times yesterday and take my pills once. Not very effective. Today I am hoping to get four pumping sessions in and remember my pills. Of course I'm starting out at a disadvantage because I am finally getting around to taking my final glucose tolerance test which required an early morning visit to the lab, with no food and two hours of waiting. At least I can stop thinking about it after today though!

To support my efforts I have called in the troops this week. Nick is home for the weekend and understands the extra help I need. The my mom, dad and sister are each taking a day during the work week. That buys me five straight days of extra hands, which I'm hoping will get things on course appropriately.

So I'm feeling challenged but have faith that I will get this all figured out. My angel baby is well worth the effort.

Every day...

Every day is a new day. This is my current mantra. I genuinely love motherhood. Far more than I ever expected to. I always knew that I would love my baby, but the tedium of motherhood? I wasn't so sure about that. With that said- this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I'm not talking about the sleep deprivation (though not exactly a walk in the park) or even the anxiety producing worry about the life of this being. No, breastfeeding has been my dragon to slay. We started out great in the hospital, but things have steadily gone downhill from there. I'm still battling and determined to win. With Nick's allergies and my weight issues I want to give Isabella every advantage she can have.

Interestingly enough, everyone I talk to reminds me that if she has to be formula fed, it isn't the worst thing in the world. Good positive feedback to help me not feel like a bad mom, right? Well with "support" like that it is no wonder that the US has the worst rate of continuing to breastfeed. It is hard to do and so easy to give up- especially when everyone tells you it is okay.

So I fight and continue to love my baby. Tonight I realized how I am feeling overall though. It is as though I'm on a backpacking journey. I packed my bag and because of my excitement and joy at the beginning of the journey, it felt nearly weightless. However as I continue on, despite the beauty of the scenery around me, the backpack feels heavier each and
every day. At some point I need to grow stronger or my load needs to lighten, or
I may buckle from the weight. I can't take the pack off and rest awhile so something has got to give.

In happier news, Isabella is smiling and cooing like nobodies business. It certainly makes that load more enjoyable to carry if nothing else!

How time flies!

We must be having fun because time is flying! This Friday Bella will be 6 weeks already! I have no idea where the time has gone. Slowly but surely we are figuring things out. She is sleeping a little bit more regularly and growing each and every day. I'm starting to get the hang of her cues and what they mean, making it easier to manage her fussiness. My anxiety is starting to return, making me a little nervous that I still may deal with some version of post-partum. But I will cross that bridge when I come to it I suppose. No sense in focusing on something out of my control at this point!

Back to the important stuff though- Bella of course! She is getting more interactive each day. Her best time is usually in the morning around 9 or 10 or so. That is when she is usually awake and happy. Evenings she tends to be fussy, but overall she is a great baby. I really couldn't love her more. Life as a mom is suiting me much better than I ever thought it could!

Belly ache

Poor Bella had her first real belly ache last night. Several hours of comfort eating, fussing and ultimately screaming told us the poor girl was hurting. Finally at about 4 am she had been comforted and relaxed and finally fell asleep. It made for a very long night for this mommy but I just felt awful for her. I keep going over the foods I ate that might have done it but I cant think of what it might be! Hopefully we can avoid it again for a good long time though! And hopefully we get a solid afternoon nap in too!!!

Adjusting

Last week was probably the hardest week of my life so far. Bella was definitely going through a growth spurt which meant wanting to eat constantly and zero sleep for me. I admit- Tuesday was not my only breakdown.

I think one of the toughest parts is wanting to do what you believe is "best" for your baby but that is the one thing that is making you lose it. Those "shoulds" will nail you every time.

Any how the last few days have been much better. Nick really stepped up over the weekend after finding me in tears on Friday night. I got some sleep thanks to this and was able to regroup. I'm also back on track with the breastfeeding train. It can still be challenging at times but mentally I have a little more fortitude.

I'm also on track with my healing. I might actually start to be able to create some amount of "normal" for our days. Of course right now all I want to do during the day is sleep when my little sleeping beauty is sleeping. Still trying to listen to my instincts though. So far they seem to be steering me correctly.

So there you have it. The highs and lows continue as I suspect they will for the rest of my life!

Settling in

It's been a crazy ride to say the least.  Week one was full of the euphoria of our baby girl.  Truly the sleep deprivation wasn't so bad (actually Isabella was sleeping quite well considering) and I was just completely in love with our little family.  Week two continued with the euphoria though was dampened by an unfortunate bladder infection.  I couldn't believe how badly I hurt (worse than the first week of recovery) and finally went to the doctor.  With Nick going back to work at the end of that week I needed to start feeling semi-functional so that I could take care of Isabella on my own!  I went to the doctor and she said everything was healing great, but it turned out I had a bladder infection.  So a week of antibiotics it was, and I started back on the road to recovery.

So here we are, week three.  It has been admittedly tough.  Nick went back to work last Friday, so this was my first week on my own.  Murphy's law, it is also when Isabella decided that she needed to start eating constantly.  Tuesday I lost it.  I hadn't gotten much sleep for two straight nights and couldn't stop crying.  I called my mom and when she asked me how I was, I couldn't even get it out without bawling.  So lucky me, my mom came over to help me.  There wasn't a lot of "help" that I needed, but just having someone else there that loves my little girl as much as I do makes it much easier to manage.  My sister also came to visit (and brought flowers knowing I was having a tough day) and my dad came too as he was running an errand with my sister.  It was probably the first time since my parents divorce that the four of us were in one room together without it being a larger event with many more people.  It was actually really nice and reminded me of the way my family once was.

So I recovered from Tuesday and managed well on Wednesday.  I even went out to lunch with my sister and niece!  Of course I was so wiped out from the outing that I spent Thursday mostly in bed with Bella relaxing.  It was a good day and I had hope that perhaps her growth spurt, or whatever neediness was going on, might be over.  No such luck.  Last night she woke up at the appropriate interval around 4:30am.  I fed her and thought surely I'd be going back to sleep.  Ha!  Not quite.  Isabella decided she needed to eat essentially for two hours straight.  Yep come 6:30 I was thinking we were in a whole heap of hurt.  But then she fell asleep finally and I thought just maybe we could sleep in.  Sadly, the pattern continued for the rest of the day.  Isabella didn't go more than 2 hours without eating until our last feeding around 7pm.  I tried to nap, and got a couple of breaks, but not enough.  By the time Nick got home I was in tears again.  He took her so that I could take a shower.  Then I fed her and the two of them went to the bedroom for a nap.  Go figure, it has now been 2.5 hours and he's getting the good nap!

Since I couldn't quite nap again I decided to try and do something to make me feel "normal".  I cleaned the kitchen and cooked dinner.  I don't think I've ever enjoyed those tasks as much as I did tonight.

Now I am bracing myself for another long night.  Who knows, she could surprise me.  I may go wake her up soon to make sure she isn't starting the night out super hungry.  I have been given the advice to feed more frequently during the day to ensure a longer break at night, so I may try to keep up with that.  I wish I had been able to sleep when Nick laid down with her, but my mental health is probably better having done some "normal" activities.

I'll try to keep up with my blog a little better, but as you can imagine, when you have a child attached to you constantly it is quite difficult to do just about anything.  I'm struggling just to make sure I eat during the day!  At the end of the day though, that little girl's smiles (whether it is gas or not!) warms my heart and I know it is worth it.  I just hope she starts sleeping a bit more soon! =)

Week One

After four nights in the hospital- two for induction and two for recovery, it was a HUGE relief to finally come home.  Nick and I both teared up a little on the car ride home as the reality of our beautiful new life settled in.  Early in my pregnancy I had a conversation with a girlfriend about how we just couldn't believe that women "forget" pregnancy, labor and delivery as soon as they hold their little ones.  Well I can now say that you most definitely do not forget anything.  It was 9 months of trials and tribulations and to end that with two days of induction, labor and let's not forget about the fun of recovery post delivery!  My point isn't how hard it is, but that it is in fact worth it.  It is hard to believe that I made something so, well, perfect.  A tiny perfect human life came from that work.

Anyhow, this post is supposed to be about the first week, not how mentally my life has been turned upside down! =)

In the hospital we did pretty well.  Isabella was eating well and sleeping well, and was overall a very easy baby.  I was struggling a little with recovery thanks to my extra tears, but we were managing well.  Once we arrived home I felt confident that things would continue on that same path.  Of course, true to her in utero behavior, Isabella just wasn't going to have that! =)  The first night home she screamed on and off for about 7 hours.  We were on a 20 minute cycle of settling her down and having her work back up again.  Ultimately it was that she was hungry and was so worked up she wouldn't or couldn't latch.  We finally gave in and gave her an ounce of formula that we luckily had on hand from a freebie bag.  I was broken over this.  All those hours of screaming and I couldn't feed my baby?  I was heartbroken to say the least.  But after she had a full tummy and a little rest, I was able to get her to latch on in the morning.  We also happened to have a doctors appointment scheduled that day and they brought in the lactation consultant for me.

After that, it felt like we had a new baby.  I was given a nipple shield, which essentially turns your breast into a bottle.  My shape makes it difficult for my tiny baby's mouth to latch on quickly, and she happens to be very impatient adding to the challenge.  So now she has something to latch onto quickly, which usually results in a quick start to the feeding.  Unfortunately now I feel a bit tied to it, so the next step as she gets a bit bigger and hopefully a tiny bit more patient will be to ween her off the shield and back onto the breast.  But we're taking it one step at a time.  Right now I just want to make sure my quickly growing baby is getting everything she needs.  And really, she is getting breast milk still which is the most important thing.

Other important things about the first week?  She is a great sleeper generally speaking.  Sleeps most of the day in fact.  She has even given us a couple of long rests, 4.5 hours and last night we even got 6 hours from start of feeding to start of feeding!  (So really more like 5+ hours of actual sleep...)  I know they say newborns are "supposed" to eat every 0-3 hours, especially on breast milk, but I tried waking her up to feed and found that a fussy baby that has been woken up is just as difficult to feed as one that is too hungry.  So I am letting her tell me when she wants to eat and just watching for those early signs.  She is a sleeper like her mom and dad so as soon as she starts stirring I know it is time to get her eating.  So far mostly so good.  We did have one rough night again a couple of nights ago, but it was just a learning experience for us to figure out her signs.  She didn't need to eat but was crying like she did.  Turned out she was just over tired (we'd had several visits that day) and needed some extra comfort.  Her tummy was probably working hard too, which also doesn't help.  Once we gave the "happiest baby" method a real effort, we had a sleeping and quiet girl.

Every day is a learning experience.  We are definitely still figuring out who this little person is and how she communicates her needs.  It's so easy to want to listen to the "experts" about what the baby is "supposed" to be doing, especially when you are struggling.  Ultimately though I feel like we have a pretty good connection with Isabella and we are figuring out what she needs.  Mostly that is working. =)

Nick goes back to work on Friday so I am trying to enjoy every second of our family time before that happens.  I can't believe how fast it all is going!  I'm also hoping my body decides to heal itself just a tad quicker so I can feel more functional when it is time for me to be on my own.  I guess I can always call in reinforcements if I am just not ready.  Thank goodness for our wonderful family and friends!  I know there is a safety net if I need it.

With that, I'll leave you with a picture of our beautiful girl.

Isabella's Arrival Story

Isabella Rose-Marie was born Friday July 23rd, 2010 at 11:59 a.m.  She weighed 8 lbs 8.9 oz and was 20.5 inches long.  Most importantly, she is pure perfection. =)  This is the story of how she came into this world.

Wednesday July 21st I was scheduled to begin induction due to gestational diabetes and borderline high blood pressure.  The doctors didn't want my blood pressure to go up, Isabella to get too big, or for my placenta to begin to break down.  So at 39 weeks and 1 day I was on my way to the hospital.

We arrived at the hospital at about 3:45pm.  We got into our room and settled in.  Over the next bit of time they checked my vitals, checked me for progress and got me and Isabella strapped up to our monitors.  I was having regular contractions (as I had been for some time) but was only 1 cm dilated (maybe) and still pretty "thick".  The decision at this point was between an oral cervical ripening gel and a Foley balloon, to get my cervix to dilate.  Unfortunately due to my contractions, the balloon was the best bet.  So they went ahead and put in the balloon.  I thought this was a good thing- no drugs, perhaps it would initiate a natural labor!  Well it was easily the most painful thing I've ever experienced having that darn thing put in.  Probably because I was just a little too undilated still for it.  But it sure did get labor going!  From 8pm until 12:30 I labored, and labored hard.  I was having regular contractions and they sure seemed to be doing something.  I did everything right- showering, walking, sitting on the birthing ball.  It was hard though and oddly the most "comfortable" place was on the toilet.  But I worked at it and breathed through the pain.  I was "doing great" and had high hopes that I would have my baby by morning.  Every so often they would tug on the balloon to see if it had dilated me to the 3+ cms that they are looking for with the balloon.  No such luck.

When they checked me however, the progress was slow and barely happening.  Finally at about 6am the doctor came back and determined that the balloon was not really in properly and therefore not doing what it needed to do.  They took it out and were going to put in another.  You can imagine I was just about on the ceiling at this prospect after so many hours of pain from labor that did nothing, and the worst procedure I'd ever experienced.  So the doctor convinced me to get some pain meds- a little in my IV and two shots.  Once that kicked in a bit they put the second balloon in.  This was nothing like the first time, and what I imagine it should have been like if I had been in a better position for it.  They also began pitocin at this time to help things continue to move.

Thanks to the meds (and in line with the advice of all of the doctors and nurses) I spent the day Thursday sleeping.  Despite this very inactive labor (against all natural birth suggestions) I was still making progress throughout the day and having regular contractions.  By the end of the day I had reached the ever important 4 cms marker!  I thought for sure as the night progressed with the help of pitocin that things would really continue on the right track.  Unfortunately by 10pm the doctor was back and not very happy with my progress.  It was just going so slow I could be there for a week and no baby.  She suggested that they break my water.

I genuinely lost it at this moment.  I had worked so hard over the last day and a half and had already had more medical intervention than I'd hoped for.  I was scared.  The doctor asked me what I was scared about, what were my concerns, etc.  She didn't want me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with, but this was her advice.  I actually couldn't even put into words what I was worried about.  Well actually I was mostly worried that it would "start the clock ticking" on my labor, putting me at high risk for c-section.  She assured me that this wasn't the case.  There was no clock and they would just watch me for infection by taking my temperature.  I wasn't going to be pushed into a c-section unless they thought I was getting an infection, regardless of the time.

So I agreed to have my water broken.  It wasn't painful at all, but it was seriously the flood of the ages.  I couldn't believe how much fluid there was!  Even the doctor and nurse were shocked at how much fluid came out.  You can have excess fluid with GD, but since they've been checking me for fluid levels for weeks, no one expected as much as I had I guess!  I kept thinking "gee all that fluid, maybe that means my baby is even smaller!"  They also put in the internal monitor for Isabella since she kept coming off the external monitor and needed to watch her as long as I was on the pitocin.  Also they put the internal contraction monitor on which tells you not only frequency (like the external contraction monitor) but strength as well.  I swear I had more cords coming out of me at this point I felt a little bionic!

Right after they broke my water, I decided that my mental strength had been worn down and if I wanted to be able to push this baby out, I needed some pain management.  I opted to get the epidural.  I am very grateful that I made this decision even though it was the last thing I had planned on.  The pain was too much for me to manage after such a long process.

The epidural itself wasn't painful to get.  Yes the local stings a bit, but really the hardest part is to sit still through the contractions while they put it in.  My epidural was a bit lopsided, a little too much on the left side.  It freaked me out a little to be honest because I had almost no control over that leg.  I could raise it up from the side, but couldn't lift it into a bent position or anything like that.  We also had to call the doctor back in because this lopsidedness was a little more than just uncomfortable.  I was still feeling cramping on my right side.  But after the doctor came back the pain was all gone and I was able to relax a bit.

After the epidural I was able to sleep through the night.  Thank goodness for this!  At about 5am the doctors checked my progress and I was only 5 cms.  I was devastated but trying to keep my head up.  At 7am they checked me and I was 6cms.  This was the fasted progress I'd made!  I thought for sure things would pick up from here.  Unfortunately around 6am I had started feeling a little nauseous and overheated.  I thought it was just my blood sugar or something.  I got cooled off but when the doctors came in I asked if I could have juice or something to eat because I thought I needed something.  They told me no since I'd had the epidural.

Between these new day shift doctors and the day shift nurse, all of a sudden I felt bullied and unsupported.  I had yet another mini breakdown when I found out that they decided to up my pitocin every 20 minutes.  My sister talked me down and I tried to sleep a little.  In retrospect the doctors and the nurse may not have been kind and gentle, but they were not doing anything inappropriate.  I had just reached my capacity of dealing with this process.

The next thing I knew though I started feeling pressure with my contractions.  They kept asking me to rate my pain and I kept telling them there was no pain just pressure.  It really does feel like you need to go poop.  They checked me around 9am and I was 8 cms!  They said they'd be back in two hours.  I told my sister that there was no way, they'd better be back before then because the pressure was becoming insane!  Not only was I feeling the pressure but every few contractions I could feel the head moving out of the rectal area and into the birth canal.  This baby was on her way.

Around 9:30 it was so intense we convinced the doctors to come back.  They checked me and I was ready to go!  Since I was having the pressure and feeling like I could push, they said I could push the baby down into the birth canal instead of laboring through it if I wanted.  So at 9:45 I started pushing.  It seemed like forever before there was a medical staff member even present for this.  I just pushed with my sister and husband working me through each contraction.

From this point on I have to be honest, it is a little bit like a dream.  I know it happened and that I experienced this birth, but it was all very surreal.  Each contraction became more difficult to get through.  I was pushing like my life depended on it though.  It wasn't painful, but very uncomfortable and I just wanted the relief of having it over.  At one point my motivation was "you didn't want a c-section, so here you go.  You asked for this!"  Another point my motivation was just my husband counting in my ear.  I definitely had a couple of moments internally of "oh my god I can't do this" but knew that I had to.  With the last couple of pushes my sister, husband and doctor all told me "she's right there, you can do it, she is nearly here!"  That was the motivation at the end when it actually became painful.  I don't know what the doctors were doing but it felt like they were ripping me open to get her head out!

Not terribly surprising I had some tearing.  The doctor made a very small episiotomy cut to help her head out, which resulted in a very small tear.  The doctor told me she doesn't like to do episiotomies so really it was very very small and not a big deal as far as tearing goes.  However they told me as the baby came out she "scratched me" (what??? not sure about this explanation but whatever), and so I had a tear above my urethra.  As a result, they worked on me for 45 minutes after delivery.

Isabella came out with a cry but her heart rate dropped right before delivery, and her cord was a little bit around her neck so they took her away to the baby warmer before I got her.  Honestly, I needed the moment to recover anyhow and I could see her from my bed.  I had the oxygen mask still from my laboring and kept it on to get my head back together.  Once she was determined to be good, they brought her to me and put her right on my chest.  It was no more than a couple of minutes and really did give me the chance to enjoy my first moment with my baby with a clear head.

I wouldn't describe it as love at first site, but more like coming home.  It just felt right.  Holding my little girl in my arms was the most calming and healing experience I think I've ever felt.

I will write soon about our first few days but for now this will have to do.  Here are a few pictures of our baby girl on her birthday.

The Nursey- Final Viewing

I'm really proud of how the nursery turned out.  I think it is pretty and girly, but still classy and warm.  I realize that it will likely never look this way again, since everything will change once we are actually using it, so I wanted to share my vision for our baby girl's beautiful nursery.  Some of these pictures will look similar to what you've seen before, and others will be brand new!

The two blankets that you see were handmade for Isabella.  The purple one is from her great Noni, Marie, and the beige one is from her great aunt Judith.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." - Eleanor Roosevelt

 I made this for Isabella using wall stickers.  I loved the quilted look and the hummingbirds too.
A little nod to her great grandma Patricia.

 These were decorations from my baby shower that my sister's Sarah and KC threw.  KC actually made the dragonflies.  I used some of the butterflies and dragonflies to add to the mobile above the bed, and the rest you see here above the rocking chair.

I needed a small trashcan for the room and wasn't impressed with any of the "cute" ones that I saw.

So I bought a really basic plain white one, and used some of the leftover stickers!

I am very pleased with the result.

The table for the rocking chair.  I'm sure there will be a great deal of use for this eventually, but for now it is the home of our twilight turtle- at least until it is time to start using it.

"I feel just like a princess."  I hope she does in all the right ways. =)

The dresser and changing table.  I still haven't broken down the amazing diaper cake my friend Angela made, so it gets to live on the changing table until it is time to put it to use!

The closet.  This child already has so many clothes it is a little silly!  And these are only the ones that are 3 months or bigger!  I'm also ready for the shoe collection, which she is starting out with 6 pairs.  As you can see the closet is also storage for all those things we just can't use quite yet, including our diaper stash!

And finally the super cute laundry basket I found.  We'll see how it works out.  I may end up swapping my own with this one if it isn't convenient enough, but we'll go with cute for now!

Final Weekly Update

How far along? 39 Weeks

How big is baby? I am guessing she is just under 8 lbs and 21 inches.  Place your bets now folks!

Total weight gain/loss: Somewhere under 10 lbs total weight gain, though not entirely sure the actual number.  Looking forward to seeing what that scale says after she's out!

Maternity clothes? yes, though even those are a tad uncomfy at this point

Sleep: Still pretty well.  Up to pee, but easily napping during the day too.

Best moment this week: Just accepting that my birth "plan" is changing a little.

Movement: Every day and quite regularly.  Her active times are in the afternoon (after lunch) and late evening (between 9 and midnight usually).  I get some activity in the morning too, but nothing like the afternoon and evening.  It will be interesting to see if this is any indication of what her active cycles will be as an outside baby!

Food cravings: none

Food Aversions: none

Gender: All girl!

Labor Signs: no progress despite all these contractions.  Here's hoping that my induction is still smooth tomorrow with minimal medical intervention.

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: not feeling like the doctor's plaything.  I realize the precautions are all appropriate, but sometimes it's hard to accept when I know that there is in truth nothing to worry about.

What I am looking forward to: seeing my baby girl in the outside world.  I wonder if she'll have dark hair and olive skin like her daddy, or be more fair like me.  Will she come out with blue eyes, or brown?  So many exciting things to find out.

Weekly Wisdom: I say this in the most non-religious way possible, but- Let go, and let god.  We usually have little control over the way things go, and ultimately it will be perfect in its imperfection.  I trust that everything will be exactly as it should be, and that ultimately I always have the right to ask questions, and say no if something doesn't feel right.

Milestones: Scheduling induction!  Let's see when baby girl decides to actually join us!

Bump Picture: The final one!

The end is near

Much to my surprise at my last doctors appointment, we set the induction date.  I always knew that they wouldn't let me go past my due date, but since things have actually been going quite well, I thought they would let me get close.  I had sort of been thinking that Friday the 23rd would be the earliest (since I am due on a Tuesday and I don't think they like to schedule inductions on the weekend).

Well this is where the surprise came in.  The doctor doesn't want me to go much past 39 weeks now because of the concern with my blood pressure (the reason I've been sent to Labor and Delivery twice).  I am officially 39 weeks this Tuesday!  So induction is set for the next day, Wednesday July 21st.  This is Nick's brother Gerlando's birthday.  The one day I was trying to avoid!  Go figure.

The other unfortunate news is that despite all of these contractions I've been having, I haven't made any "progress" other than perhaps a little cervical softening.  Still "closed and long".  So what this means is that my induction will be a multi-step process.  We will call in on Wednesday, and they will tell us what time they want us to come in (depending on how full and busy they are, etc).  When we arrive and settle into our room, they will give me a cervical ripening agent as the first step.  This in and of itself can sometimes be enough to get labor going, which is what I am really hoping for since I've been having contractions already.  But if not, it is designed to get things opening up so that the next day when we start the Pitocin it isn't just giving me painful, useless contractions.

Yes, I did say the next day.  I anticipate going in sometime later on Wednesday for step one of the process, and then beginning the Pitocin early on Thursday.  This would mean that hopefully Isabella will join us as an outside baby sometime on Thursday, July 22nd.

Worst case scenarios can include a couple of things.  The first is that the process doesn't work the first time to get active labor and we have to go through more than one round of it.  You can imagine this now becomes a multi day process.  Or, something doesn't react well with me or the baby, and we end up in c-section.

In the meantime, I am doing everything I can to either get my body to go into labor before Wednesday, or at least be more favorable for this induction.  I'm walking and eating spicy foods and sitting on the birthing (i.e. yoga) ball, and even doing acupuncture.  I've gone twice for my induction points already in hopes that things will get moving.  Even if they don't my acupuncturist worked on my blood pressure points (to keep things under control), and even more important my various stress points.  Relaxation is key for a good labor.

Other than being a little upset that the end of my pregnancy is being rushed, I feel good.  I'm not wretchedly uncomfortable, and am ready to meet my little girl.  I'm even coming around to be emotionally prepared for "worst case" so that if that happens, I'm not devastated.  I'm working on enjoying my last few days of "freedom" and really make sure to do enough of the things I want to that might be hard to do soon.  I'm keeping my head up and staying hopeful that I will still get a birth experience in line with what I want.

The craziest thing is, by this time next week, no matter what else happens, Nick and I will be parents.  Exciting and terrifying all at the same time! =)

You never know!

I debated whether or not I wanted to write this, but I figure that I want the record of events eventually when this journey is done.

I've been having semi-regular contractions since yesterday afternoon.  It started Monday morning during my NST.  I had a couple of good contractions on the monitor with some irritability in between.  Not uncommon, but a little more than I've had in the past.  Then I went out and felt a couple more here and there.  Nothing that even inspired me to to think twice about them though.  I went to Old Navy and Costco with Sarah and Mia, and had a few more, encouraged by the walking.  Once I returned home my belly continued to work, but I thought nothing of it.  Sometimes it takes awhile after I've been walking for the contractions to settle down.  Most importantly, they aren't painful or regular, so I just assume that they are braxton hicks, or practice contractions.

Well as the evening went on, and they didn't stop, I thought perhaps I just over did it.  I took a little nap, thinking that laying down on my side and some rest would surely right me.  When I woke up and realized that the contractions had in fact not stopped, but had continued while I was sleeping (it was a fairly light sleep), I had a moment of sheer panic hit me.

I sat up and drank some water.  No change, so I watched the clock.  Within 20 minutes I had about 4 or 5 contractions, some longer, some shorter, but consistently 4-5 minutes apart.  I had a moment of cognizance that this could be "it" and my house was a mess.  I got up and started cleaning.  We had clothes to put away and fold, and dishes to wash.  I started moving through the house like a crazy person because if the contractions increased, or my water broke, I did not want to come back to my messy house with a new baby.

Poor Nick had come home not feeling well due to a nasty allergy attack, so had been sleeping as well.  He woke up to find me in the middle of my fit.  I explained what was happening and that although I didn't think I was in "labor" that I needed to get things organized just in case.  Nick, being the amazing person he is, started helping.  I suppose I got his adrenaline going too. =)

We finally went to bed, having accomplished the main things I wanted done and tried to sleep.  It took me awhile to settle down, but eventually I did fall asleep.  I fully expected to wake up feeling silly and back to "normal".  Well, that is not exactly what happened.  Here I am, more than 24 hours later, still having mild contractions.  This morning I described how I felt to my mom as having done a full abdominal workout yesterday.  My muscles in my stomach and back are just fatigued.  Clearly the contractions continued throughout the night.

So here I sit, apparently in early labor, with mild contractions coming and going.  They aren't painful, or even easily timeable.  I also have no idea if they are "doing" anything, or just torturing me a little. =)  They do excite baby girl though, so she's been quite active these last 24 hours.  It's a good sign though, since early labor can go on for days or even weeks, at least I know that she isn't distressed by the contractions.

Now I sit and wait.  I keep hoping my body will just go one way or the other.  I'm not anxious for this baby to be an outside baby yet- especially since we have two more weeks till our due date, but if she does decide she wants her birthday early, I am ready.  I do however want my body to make up its mind.  I am just uncomfortable enough that I either want progression (an end in sight) or for things to settle down.  I guess if nothing else changes, I'll have a little more information on Thursday!

So don't get too excited.  A few contractions don't make labor immediate!  It is at least good to know that my body clearly has some idea of what it is supposed to be doing.  Perhaps the next post I write will be "false alarm" or "she's here!".  You just never know!

Weekly Update

How far along? 38 Weeks

How big is baby? Big, and getting bigger. =)  The books say she is the size of a watermelon... Hmmmm...

Total weight gain/loss: Fluid retention still makes this a big question mark, but I'm guessing somewhere between 5 and 10 lbs up total.

Maternity clothes? mostly dresses to stay comfortable in the warmer weather, but even my maternity clothes are getting tight around my expanding belly!

Sleep: Up a couple of times each night, but sleeping pretty well other than that.

Best moment this week: Getting through a full week with no trips to Labor and Delivery! =)

Movement: It is like a dance party in my belly sometimes.  She is a big girl and I am feeling it!

Food cravings: none

Food Aversions: none

Gender: All girl!

Labor Signs: regular contractions on an irregular basis.  My next prenatal is on Thursday so we'll see if I've made any progress.

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: Not feeling guilty when I miss or skip one of my 8 daily pregnancy monitors.  I'm done with the effort this is all taking.

What I am looking forward to: Singing with my baby girl.

Weekly Wisdom: You just never know what to expect, so try to keep a smile on your face and trust that everything will be exactly as it should be.

Milestones: I am officially full term!  Human gestation is actually 38-42 weeks (hence the average of 40 weeks) so baby girl can come any time now with no worries about her health!

Bump Picture: not this week.

Productivity

It's been a week of productivity.  Two trips to labor and delivery and increasingly frequent contractions finally lit a fire under me.  I made a list of things to accomplish with the determination to accomplish at least one thing every day.  Of course on the first night Nick's nesting instinct kicked in (or maybe his desire to not have a crazy pregnant wife!) and he accomplished everything with his name by it.  He then proceeded to accomplish everything else that he could do (items that were not assigned) the next night! =)  He's such a good husband/ daddy to be!

Anyhow I stuck to my "at least one item per day" program and here it is on Friday and I've accomplished all of the important things.  Our hospital bag is packed (I know- you'd think two trips to the hospital would have forced me to do that much sooner!), the car seat is installed, I've purchased all of the items I think we'll need for the baby in the first couple of weeks, and the house is essentially ready for our pending arrival.

Now I'm finally down to those "non-essentials" like getting a pedicure, seeing a couple of movies, and continuing to get as much rest as humanly possible! =)  I did accomplish one of those "non-essentials" today- I finally went for my final pre-natal massage.  Sadly I think I waited too long and did not get to enjoy it quite the way I'd imagined.  They have this amazing pillow where you can lay on your stomach.  I've been dreaming about it since my first massage back in my second trimester.  Today however almost as soon as I was laying down I started hot flashing and just couldn't stop.  My therapist got me a cool towel- not enough.  So he got me a glass of ice water.  I drank the whole thing.  He got me another glass of water and put another cool towel on my back.  It helped for a minute, but not enough.  Finally I flipped to my back, which lasted a good 10 minutes before my back couldn't take it anymore.  I finally tried my side and realized that is where I should have been the entire time.  It was disappointing because by then my massage was nearly done, and I hadn't been able to relax much at all.

Lesson learned.  Pregnant women are meant to be on their sides for a reason.  Don't fight it and you'll feel better.  =)  I just wish I had figured that out earlier in my massage so that I could have really enjoyed it!  But it was still good and helpful for my muscles.  I guess it also will be a good reminder when I'm in the hospital that if I am getting over heated, I should lay on my side to help cool down and relax.  I'll have to make sure Nick remembers that!

Overall it has been a good week.  Lessons in balance to make sure I am resting enough, getting my "fun" in, and accomplishing those last minute household and baby related tasks.  I'm getting the hang of it though and am sure I will have it nailed just in time for Isabella to join us as an outside baby.  I'm almost ready. =)

Weekly Update

How far along? 37 Weeks

How big is baby? With three weeks left, I'm still guessing between 6.5 and 7 lbs, anticipating half a pound of growth each week now...

Total weight gain/loss: Still under 10 lbs total- I think around 6 or 7 lbs but it's hard to tell with the hot weather.

Maternity clothes? exclusively- non maternity shirts look like half-tees on me now!

Sleep: still sleeping decently.  Up a couple of times at night- not bad.  Plus I'm napping like I'm drugged every day too.  Good think I'm off of work now!

Best moment this week: I went to see Wicked (the musical) and after Defying Gravity (the big number that ends the first act), baby girl was startled awake by the applause.  It was pretty funny since she'd been active for the first half of the act, but had just settled down when the crowd went wild and woke her up again.

Movement: All alien, all the time.  She is big and strong and makes sure I know she's there.

Food cravings: none

Food Aversions: nothing in particular- just not super into food.

Gender: All girl!

Labor Signs: contractions are becoming more regular (as in daily occurrence), but still no "progress"... In my doctors words- I'm still "locked up tight".

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: Not going to the doctor 2+ times each week.

What I am looking forward to: Not seeing the lovely medical professionals of Kaiser Bay Area for awhile.

Weekly Wisdom: Laughing and letting go will not only make your own life easier, but make the people around you grateful that you aren't freaking out.  Happy "service" people (i.e. nurses and doctors) are much happier to work with you!

Milestones: My second trip to labor and delivery!  Hmm... maybe not a pattern I want to start!

Bump Picture: Finally!

Seriously???

I keep joking that I like to keep things interesting, but I've officially hit my limit on excitement and am ready for some peace and quiet.  Just a couple of weeks is all I'm asking! =)

Anyhow today was my regular prenatal appointment.  I slept in, enjoying my first day off of work.  Got ready and was running a little late (as per usual these days!).  I arrived at my appointment feeling fine and ready to find out if I was starting to make any progress since I'd had some contractions at my appointment yesterday.  Got into the room and surprise surprise my blood pressure was a little high.  I sort of laughed when the nurse said that and told her that it was because I was running late and that it would be down in 10 minutes.

Then my OB came in and informed me that she was being made to move me to an MD.  I had hoped to get myself out of that, but apparently it is protocol.  So I agreed and we started talking.  Then she informed me that there was protein in my urine.  Normally they want to see negative or trace readings.  A "1+" is acceptable.  I read a "3+" today.  This is an indication of pre-eclampsia.  I asked if something else could possibly cause that because I had just checked myself last night and had a trace reading.

Anyhow they (my OB and my new doctor OB) sent me to labor and delivery again.  I confirmed that they would just be monitoring me, much like last time, and the chance of induction was very very low.  Essentially even if there had continued to be protein in my urine, they wouldn't likely induce me right away.  The only way that would have happened would have been if my blood work came back showing that my kidney or liver function was compromised.

So I picked Nick up and off we went to the hospital again.  At least this time they put us in an actual labor room instead of in triage.  The bed was MUCH more comfortable and we had a tv to watch while they checked my blood pressure and strapped me up to the baby and contraction monitors.  Right away the nurse told me that my urine was back down to trace protein.  So I could relax a little which brought my blood pressure down.

As usual, the baby looked good, and I'm still having some random contractions.  Nothing painful, and I really only feel about half of them.  They must technically be "false labor" still though because I'm not making any "progress" (i.e. I'm not dilating or effaced at all).  Then after a couple of hours of monitoring my blood results came back and that all looked good too.

So yet again, nothing has actually changed.  But we're getting to know the folks at the hospital and even saw the same doctor again (only because she remembered me, so that was nice!)... Now I'm hoping to not go back for at least two more weeks, and then only for the real event.  It's getting a little ridiculous getting sent in like this.  My plan to avoid this is to drink mass quantities of water (I think maybe I was a little dehydrated this morning) and keep myself as low stress as possible.  It should be do-able now that I am off of work.

So there you have it.  Another exciting day in the life of pregnancy.  I realize that I missed my weekly update this week, so I will try to rectify that tomorrow sometime.  For now, it is off to bed.  I capped my day off with tickets to Wicked, so at least I got a treat at the end of my crazy day.  But now I am exhausted! =)

Weekly Update- Late!

(actually posted on 7/4/10 but I wanted to keep it in context timing wise!)

How far along? 36 Weeks

How big is baby? Still guessing, maybe around 6.5 or 7 lbs...

Total weight gain/loss: Up to as much as 7lbs gained- all baby and water retention though... this heat is killing me!

Maternity clothes? every day

Sleep: sleeping hard and long with only a couple of interruptions each night.  My hip is better so it isn't waking me anymore thank goodness!

Best moment this week: I suppose it was fun when we were at Labor and Delivery and Nick could see the baby's hiccups completely shaking my belly.  They were pretty violent hiccups!

Movement: Strong, regular and getting bigger every day!

Food cravings: none

Food Aversions: funny one this week- I've noticed that I don't like anything on my sandwiches right now (as in no lettuce or tomato)... Sort of odd!

Gender: All girl!

Labor Signs: Random contractions here and there but nothing significant.

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: Bending over!

What I am looking forward to: Functioning semi-normally again (physically speaking anyhow).

Weekly Wisdom: Just do the best you can.

Milestones: My first trip to labor and delivery!

Bump Picture: not this week...

Following up

As expected, all of the tests etc that I had to do due to my little adventure to labor and delivery came back negative for any issues.  I still have to check  my blood pressure two times a day (which unfortunately isn't looking as good as I'd like due to the heat, but still, acceptable) and my urine for protein once a day.  It isn't so bad other than that I also have to call the numbers in every day.  I had my first of two NSTs today, which went swimmingly.  The baby's heart rate looks good and it only took a little ice water to get her moving (these morning appointments are during her nap time!).  I am still showing some "uterine irritability" but since we start my internal exams this week anyhow (this is to check dilation and effacement and baby's "station") I'm not worried.  I figure I'm in the home stretch and my uterus should be getting irritable in preparation for delivery.

So I guess the real news is that there is no news.  Nothing in truth has changed from last week.  I just get to do more self monitoring.

There was one interesting point from this morning's NST.  I had the same nurse that I had last week (this is the alternate nurse, not my normal nurse) and she took my NST results to the doctor.  It seems like each nurse has a doctor that they sort of report to because the person she went to was the same doctor that she went to last week when my blood pressure was high.  This is not a doctor I've had any relationship with other than these two days though.  Well this gentleman came in and said "well everything looks great but since your pregnancy has gotten more complicated with the blood pressure monitoring, I think you should be seeing an MD instead of a nurse practitioner.  Caren" (my normal OB) "is great, but doctors are trained differently..."

I sort of checked out at this point.  Yes, it is true that there are cases where an MD should be consulted.  Whenever something has come up, my nurse practitioner consults with an MD.  She also knows me and my history since she was my practitioner before becoming pregnant, and has seen me throughout this pregnancy.  She knows I am prone to anxiety and that it drastically affects my blood pressure (among other health related things).  She also knows that I am not a patient who ignores symptoms or is afraid to call if I have a question or am unsure about something.

I was admittedly a little annoyed by this doctor coming in and saying I needed to start seeing someone new at this late stage in the game.  I said I would keep my appointment on Friday with my practitioner and we would talk about "who I should see"... I mean really, we're talking about 3 more appointments here.  So we'll see what happens.  In the meantime I'm hoping to keep my blood pressure steady this week so that come Friday, we can over-ride the daily phone call aspect of my current plan.  I don't mind checking my blood pressure (though would love to drop it to once a day), but would be much happier reporting the numbers once a week along with my blood sugar, unless of course I get a high reading.  I have to call any how if it goes over a certain reading.  So we shall see.

I'm certainly not wishing for Miss Isabella to make her appearance into the world early, but I tell you, I am definitely done with this whole being pregnant business.  Maybe if I could just be, and not worry about what I'm eating and when and what numbers it gets me, and if my blood pressure is too high or if I'm spilling protein, it probably wouldn't be so bad.  Yes it is uncomfortable (did I mention my hip is KILLING me???) but I can manage.  It really is the medical "business" that is getting me down.

So three more days at work (modified) and then I can just focus on me.  I hope to control my appointments a little better so that I can enjoy some lunches with friends, and maybe even a movie matinee or two.  I am determined to enjoy some time off so that I am fully ready for this baby to join my world.