meals week two

Thought I would tempt you all with the menu from my second week of delivery from the Ceres Project.

Carrot soup with orange and fennel
Quinoa cakes
Broccoli and Tomato Salad
Herbed Chicken Skewers
Fresh Orange and Beet Salad
Roasted Fish with Pumpkin Seed and Herb Pesto

Mmmm- it was all delicious.  This week I decided to take the approach of tasting everything for dinner tonight and then I can pick and choose by meals after.  It seemed like even more food this week.  This is such an amazing service.  Hope you'll spread the good word if you're so moved by this awesome program!

Other than that I'm doing well.  Finally got my feet back under me, of course I have a little cold again, but I guess that isn't exactly surprising.  I will try to make sure I get a little down time tomorrow in the midst of party preparation.  Gratefully I have lots of help and we are in good shape for Saturday.  Even better, my sister KC is coming to spend Friday night with us to help, and she is a morning person which means I can sleep in on Saturday before the party!  That will definitely set me up for a good rest of the day of celebrating Nick!  Tomorrow though, it is Royal Wedding day and you can bet I will be watching (a recording- not live!) to see the lovely couple tie the knot!

Long Overdue and HUGE Thanks

I have been promising a wig picture for entirely too long, and what's worse is that I also owe a very large thank you to go along with it.  A little background first- my dad is very deep into his family's genealogy.  He has traced back many generations on both sides of his family and made contact with distant cousins as near as the Sacramento Valley to Canada to Norway and Germany!  He was even trying to make a family reunion in Norway this past summer.  Anyhow in this process he connected with Norwegian cousins Marit and Bjørn Arnhaug.  Marit and Bjørn visited last year from their home in Spain and we all enjoyed meeting them very much.

They have developed a friendship with my dad and so of course have been kept in the loop with my diagnosis.  After reading my blog requesting hats from my crafty friends and family, Marit and Bjørn told my dad that they wanted to help me get my wig.  After a great deal of "figuring" they sent me via my dad a very generous gift to get my wig.

So Marit and Bjørn a very very large thank you.  Takk for din generøse gaven.

Your gift allowed me to walk into the wig shop with confidence that I could pick out the most appropriate wig without worrying about the cost.

Without further ado- here is a picture of the fabulous wig!

Feeling better

Yesterday I finally figured out some ideas regarding why I've been feeling so bad this week.  Aside from the obvious fact that I'm in the midst of doing chemotherapy, it finally occurred to me that it is affecting my endocrine system and that I've been suffering from high blood sugar.  Ironically since I figured that out, I've been feeling better (despite not fully making the changes I need to regarding that).  All about attitude?  Perhaps...

The good news is that since I did suffer from gestational diabetes, I know how to manage my blood sugar with an endocrine system that isn't properly functioning.  I also have testing equipment still from my pregnancy so I can check myself and act accordingly.  So today I went to the store and bought some food items that will help me manage this appropriately.  I need to make sure I am getting enough protein and regularly.  I also need to ensure that I am eating regularly- six small meals a day is what they say!  Bedtime snacks are crucial too to help the morning.

So anyhow, I'm dealing with the physical end of what has had me knocked out for the last week.  This has really helped my mental health too since now I have something to "do" that should help how I feel.  We also accomplished quite a bit this weekend for the big party leaving me with only a few things to accomplish this week.  Of course that includes cleaning my house which is a pretty large undertaking.  The good news is that I am not the sort of person that wants perfection before a party.  What is the point of steam cleaning your carpets before a party when they are going to get immediately trashed?  So we will get things neat and orderly and appropriately clean, and then hopefully do some better cleaning after the party.

So much gratefulness for everyone helping me pull this party off.  I feel a little like I said "hey, let's throw a party at my house" and now I'm asking everyone else to make it happen.  I know that isn't entirely true, and will certainly be doing plenty this week (and have done plenty up till this point too), but I guess this is just one more lesson I have to learn.  At least I'm not feeling stressed out about it any more.  It's going to be great!

I know I keep promising wig pictures, and they are coming.  I just haven't really felt good enough to take any pictures yet.  I thought I could steal one from Easter, but there really weren't any that show the wig well.  So I'm sorry but it will have to wait another day!

Mental Fortitude

People keep telling me how strong I am.  I never know how to respond because whatever it is that I'm doing, is just "how it is" in my book.  I don't feel like I'm trying to be strong, or doing anything particularly unusual.  I also am in my head of course and know every crack and weak spot that others may not see.  Not that I am putting on a strong face either, but the fleeting thoughts, or bad days still happen whether or not I am sharing them entirely.

Today, however, is not a strong day.  Today, I have to try.  My energy is still low.  I feel like I have a little cold (again) and possibly a minor stomach bug.  And my body is just not behaving in ways I think are "normal" (then again- what is normal when you are talking about chemotherapy?).  I wanted to run some errands today.  Nick and Bella came with me even though some of the errands were for the birthday party.  I was doing pretty good I thought, until my blood sugar crashed.  So we stopped and had some food and I thought I would recover just fine.  However, upon returning home I felt flush, became very dizzy, and had to lay down.  I know it isn't my blood sugar (having just eaten maybe an hour or so ago), and thought perhaps it is dehydration.

The part that I am challenged by is not knowing how to correct how I feel.  Sleep helps, but that doesn't last.  Food may or may not help.  I haven't pushed water so I will try that next, but I'm not convinced that is the answer either.  I can deal with not feeling well.  I have never been the person who went to work when they were sick and refused to rest.  If I know that resting will make me feel better, I am all for it.  But when I don't know how to "fix" the problem, I just get aggravated.  Especially when I have things I want to accomplish.  This weekend I want to enjoy my family and prepare for the coming week and the big party.  Instead I have to duck out and lay down whenever my body strikes.  It is a very frustrating feeling.

I don't want to sit here and complain but I felt like today was a good day to share some of the cracks in my "strength".  The fact of the matter is that some days, this is really hard.  Other days, the only difference is that I'm bald.  Today is a hard day.  This too shall pass, and I will see good days again.

Five Rounds to go

Usually a boxing match is 10 rounds- mine is only 8.  Round one- chemo came out swinging, but I took it down.  Round two- not even a contest, it was like chemo didn't know how to hit.  Round three- well, chemo might take this one.  I'll win the match, no question, but this round is up for grabs.

Day 5 and I am still feeling very rough.  My energy is lower than its been pretty much since I started treatment (aside from actual treatment days).  My eyes don't seem to want to focus (though I am clear that this isn't an actual eye issue- perhaps just the inevitable dehydration, or minor neurological effects).  I napped for a full hour and a half with Bella this afternoon and still needed to lay down later on.  Actually I'm still not up to par at the moment, curled up on the couch, grateful that my mom is here to help me today. 

I realize that some of the effects of chemo are cumulative so I need to have a little bit of patience with my body.  Today, this is proving to be a challenge.  My mom reminded me to just surrender to my body's needs- I'm trying.  I think I'm mostly frustrated because this is of course the week I was "counting on" having energy so that I could prepare for Nick's birthday.  I have another week still and lots of offers of help (that I am taking advantage of!) but all the same, it is frustrating to feel like I am "losing" days.  Just another lesson in how little control I have in this crazy little thing called life!

Ceres Project

Tonight we received the first delivery from the Ceres Project.  Aside from the fact that this is an amazing service, delivering food to cancer patients for free to very low cost, the food is outstanding!

The food is cooked fresh by a group of teens and local chefs and is based on the "food as medicine" principals set for by Rebecca Katz in her cookbook The Cancer Fighting Kitchen.  I am benefiting from the Marin group.

This weeks delivery included:
Magic Mineral Broth
Anytime Bars
Asparagus Salad with Roasted Hazelnuts and Lemon Vinaigrette
Japonica Salad
Miso Ginger Fish
Lemony Chicken Thighs

This is enough to feed me, Nick and my mom.  Tonight we enjoyed the fish and both of the two salads.

Why am I tempting you with this delicious menu?  Well, if you are looking for a cause to get behind, this is a great one.  They are always looking for drivers to help deliver meals, and of course donations to support the effort (food, containers, space, etc).  The food is local, prepared fresh, with health and good taste in mind.  So check it out!  And spread the good word!  If you know someone looking for volunteer opportunities, or funds burning a hole in their pockets, send them to the Ceres Project.  They have both a Sonoma group as well as a Marin group.

So today's shout out goes to all involved with the Ceres Project, from Julie Burford (who runs the Marin Branch), to Rebecca Katz (local celebu-chef), to Kathleen (my coordinator) and Greg (who delivered my food), and all the teens who helped cooked!  Not to mention Aunt Yvette who connected us in the first place to this amazing service.  This is really going to help all of us keep our heads on straight throughout this process.

A tougher hit

Although chemo round three has been easier than round one, it has been tougher than round two.  I ended up in bed straight through dinner last night and through the night.  Even missing a specially cooked dinner by my nephew Shaughn!  So sorry to have missed it.  Today has followed being a bit tougher than expected as well.  After a decent morning nap (that could have gone longer even) I rushed out of the house for my regular shot of neulasta (this pumps up my white blood cell count) and to finally complete my test to see if there is a genetic component to my cancer.  Although I was pretty tired already at this point, we stopped for lunch (since I know keeping my blood sugar under control is key) and then quickly went home.  I was wiped out and promptly slept for three hours.

Now I am enjoying a new episode of Glee before I head off to bed nice and early.  Quickly some shout outs:  To Lorraine and Sarah, thank you so much for helping me put together what will surely be an amazing 30th for Nick. Your help has been immense and as much as I appreciate it, I know Nick will be blown away.  To my sister KC- you have given up time from work, your family to be here with me recuperating.  I can't express how deeply grateful I am.  Two treatments in a row, and you will be here again over the next two weekends, and yet you still offer to come back for me.  I am indescribably grateful.  And to my mom who cooked a lovely dinner tonight, despite a long day of her own, even to my odd chemo taste desires.  Although I promised wig pictures, they will have to wait until tomorrow when I am feeling less sick and more photogenic. =)

Quickly- chemo round 3

Very quickly an update. I had round three of chemo this morning. The tumor continues to shrink quickly. No size given mostly I think because of the way it is shrinking it is too hard to size! So yay! So far I'm handling it well but it's still early. I followed protocol and ate well, drank lots of water and took my anti- nausea meds before I felt anything. Here's hoping it goes just as well as last time! I will post a more complete update (wig pictures included!) later tonight or tomorrow.

Sending you all wishes for a wonderful day!

Boundaries

This week I learned what my limits are.  I pushed and overdid it for too many days in a row, and as a result, ended up with a little cold.  Its no big deal and I have confidence that as long as I take it easy this weekend and get some rest, I'll be good to go for treatment on Monday.  I feel like it is almost a good thing though because if I hadn't gotten sick I would have probably kept pushing.  Now I know what those limits are and can plan accordingly.  What I've learned is that sleep is key.  If I don't sleep well at night then I need support in the morning and possibly afternoon for a nap.  If I sleep well at night then I can push it a little during the day.

So anyhow- lesson learned.  Just like after my first chemo treatment I learned not to wait to take my anti-nausea meds and eat well, now I know how far I can push it without overdoing it!  Only 12 more weeks of this to take advantage of those lessons...

Nick's new baby

As we all do, Nick has a "bucket list" so to speak.  Things that he feels are marks of success in his life, things he wants to do, have, achieve, see, etc.  One of these things is an old corvette.  He loves these cars and has always talked about them.  Back in December we were talking about it (after he was trying to show me pictures of yet another car he was scoping out online) and he told me how much these cars typically go for.  It was surprisingly low for a "classic" car and was not too far off from what his current economy car is worth.  I said "well if it is close to an even trade, we can make it happen- go for it".  The next thing I knew, he was off and running, looking for his corvette.  Of course it didn't turn out to be quite an even trade, but he does work awfully hard and deserves a car he is proud to drive.

This past weekend, we took a drive down to San Carlos (about an hour south of us) to check out an interesting option.  I frankly didn't think anything of it having looked at other vehicles before.  Little did I know Nick was very serious about this car.  It is a 1974 Chevy Corvette Stingray convertible.  It has a hard top (the kind where you take the whole top off the car to make it a convertible) as well as a soft top.  It is a California car originally and has only had two owners before.  It isn't cherried out or fixed up, but it is in outstanding condition and fully functional.

So today, Nick got a new car.  Call it a quarter life crisis if you will, but I see it as another item on Nick's bucket list checked off.  He does work very hard so it is nice to have those little rewards.  Besides it gives him something to be excited about amidst all of the chaos we are dealing with.  So I say "happy early birthday Nick!  Enjoy it!".

Nick and Bella picking up the car!  Bella is clapping- Yay daddy!

A better picture of the car.

distractions?

I'm currently busy planning Nick's 30th birthday party.  The truth is that Nick doesn't care of about his birthdays generally speaking.  If it is an excuse to have some fun, he is all good with that, but the actual birthday celebration isn't so important.  I on the other hand love birthdays.  I love to celebrate them and use them as an excuse for an extra good time.  A milestone birthday is an even bigger call for celebration!

So I have busied myself over the last few weeks planning for the big party for Nick.  It's been a good distraction for me.  I get to be creative and have tasks to accomplish.

It does bring up the issue for me of overdoing it.  Every day I have to see how much energy I have (usually directly related to how much sleep I got the night before) and then decide what I can accomplish.  Usually I have at least one thing scheduled already.  The last several days I've been pretty scheduled and then had additional things come up that have made the days long.  Today was supposed to be an easy day, but an unexpected two hour visit to the bank sort of changed that (more on that tomorrow- it was a good thing I promise).

Always in the back of my mind I think "is it okay that I didn't nap today" or "will this put me at risk to get sick" or other similar thoughts.  My social worker tells me not to worry about it, that it is better to push past the fatigue.  I think on Monday I will have a heart to heart with my oncologist about this very topic.  If my labs and everything still look good, I suspect she will agree with my social worker.  But having never had cancer before- I wouldn't know! =)

Regardless, I'm doing well.  I'm confident the tumor is continuing to shrink just like it did after the first treatment.  I can really feel the difference this time with full confidence.  So, truthfully, nothing else matters!

The big reveal!

Last night I seriously considered going to our dinner party without my wig.  I had worn it all day and my head was itchy.  And more importantly, I just didn't really care about it anymore.  When I thought about it, I knew my friends certainly wouldn't care.  I'm surrounded by wonderful people and I'm not worried about how people are going to react to my bald head.  It did occur to me, however, that it might be hard on some of them at first.  It is shocking, even if expected.  It puts my illness in your face because there is no denying what I'm dealing with when there is such an obvious external sign of it.  So I decided that the best way to go about this was to post a picture of myself here.  This allows everyone the opportunity to see me in my bald glory in their own personal space.  If you want to laugh or cry or make funny faces, you can do that.  Then when you see me live and in person, it won't be a shock if I'm wearing a hat, a wig, a scarf, or nothing at all.  I think that will be easiest on us all.  I hope you agree! =)

So here you go.  A picture of me in all my baldness.  No hiding here!

The humor in it?

This morning I was really angry.  I woke up happy ready for a day with my family but quickly realized once out of the house that I was angry about my hair falling out.  I was angry that I feel conspicuous wearing a wig, or not wearing a wig.  Standing in line at the bagel store picking up a little snack I was behind a young woman.  She was somewhere between 16 and 20 (geez it's sad that I can't even tell that range apart any more!) and she was complaining to her boyfriend (I assume) how her eyebrow was crooked and she was sure everyone was staring at her.  I just kept thinking what a little twit this girl was and I should just take my wig off to show her what something real looks like instead of worrying about an eyebrow.  It kept getting worse as this girl was so clearly living in her own self-absorbed world and was actually holding up the line to transfer money online because she had apparently brought the wrong debit card with her- and "it would just take a minute" to transfer the funds online via her phone.  As I stood there becoming increasingly agitated I realized that I was just angry.  It had nothing to do with this girl and everything to do with how I was coping with my situation in that moment.

Just as I was accepting that I was just going to be angry and that was okay too, the woman standing behind me tapped me on the shoulder.  "You have such beautiful hair- how do you get it so shiny?"  I almost started laughing on the spot.  I thanked her and told her it was a wig.  She didn't seemed shocked but still impressed at how pretty my very shiny hair was.  In that moment I realized that the universe, god, whatever you want to call it, is on my side.  It is completely okay for me to be angry, but the fact of the matter is that I am not all that different than the girl who was sure everyone was staring at her crooked eyebrow.  And even if someone is aware that I'm wearing a wig, or bald or whatever it is that day, someone else may very well be noticing beauty in the exact thing I am certain makes me ugly or funny looking.

That was my gift today.  I sit here, stripped down both physically and metaphorically.  Every day my layers are stripped down revealing my naked, vulnerable self and I am being forced to look in the mirror at the image reflected.  Honestly, I don't much like what I see because I am realizing how masked I have been all this time.  As my mom reminded me today, it is time for me to start seeing myself the way others see me.  So instead of staring at my "crooked eyebrow" I am looking for my shiny hair.  May sound silly, but it was a huge gift for me today.  I had a wonderful day as a result, with no residual anger, truly happy as I basked in the love of my husband and daughter.

All of this was topped off by a fabulous dinner at our dear friends Russell & Colleen.  Shout out to Colleen for putting together a wonderful meal- great job!  The chicken parm was delicious!  The company couldn't be beat- so many laughs- I am lucky to have such fabulous friends!  Also thank you to Laura for my fabulous moisturizer.  You are so incredibly thoughtful and it is a gift to have you in my life.  And Anya- thank you for my stone.  I can't wait to read about its properties!

The Deed is Done

We just shaved my head.  I laughed.  I cried.  I'll post a picture tomorrow if I'm brave enough.

Bald Spots

This morning when I got out of bed I discovered I have bald spots.  This really doesn't come as any surprise of course, and yet it somehow caught me emotionally off guard.  It was a hectic morning as we needed to pick up tickets for the baseball game for Nick in San Anselmo and get him to the ferry and Bella to my dad's and me to my acupuncture appointment.  The plan wasn't quite in place so we were all a little grumpy trying to get out of the house while attempting to make dinner plans since today is my mom's birthday...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!!!

We managed to get in the car and get Bella dropped off quickly and easily.  As we rode along I was reading facebook on my phone and came across a "world cancer day" post (or something of the sort).  Suddenly I had tears in my eyes and was entirely unsure as to why.  I've been handling things pretty well.  The idea of cancer hasn't been such a beast for at least a couple of weeks especially as treatment has gone so well and is proving to be effective.  I just sat with it for a moment and moved on as Nick hadn't caught the moment and I just didn't feel like being sad.

We went along with our errands and Nick asked me if I was feeling alright.  I responded with "I found bald spots this morning."  It hadn't occurred to me until that moment that I was upset by this.  I went from trying to have a semi-normal day with appointments and birthday and baseball, to feeling the dark cloud of this process close in above me.  I fought it for most of the afternoon and then finally succumbed.  I didn't melt down or let it overtake me, but it was necessary to acknowledge that it just wasn't a good day emotionally speaking and that was okay too.  I was mostly upset that it happened to be on my mom's birthday, which I really wanted to be happy and present for.  Gratefully I am blessed with a mom who understood where I was at and doesn't take it personally.

At the end of the day we still had a lovely birthday dinner with Alex and Mia and Nick even joined us for dessert after the baseball game.  The accordion player even played happy birthday while Mia sang along.  I may have Nick buzz my head tonight in hopes that it will lead to a less itchy and better night of sleep tonight.  I'm feeling a little anxious at that idea but I am really over touching my head and getting covered in hair (even short hair).  I have a wig and hats to use for the next few days while I wait for my good wig to come in next week.

I guess at the end of the day I am just going to have days, hours, moments that are good, bad, and even ugly.  Some I might be able to expect, and others I might be surprised by.  It is just a process and I know that I will get through it in the end.  I expect to be stronger.

Still Learning

I've been feeling really good this week.  No nausea, no real food aversions, just mild yuck and some fatigue.  Yesterday I didn't take a nap even with the excitement of wig shopping and a new haircut!  So today I really went for it!  I met up with Vanessa and her baby at the Farmers Market.  My dad joined us for a bit (hope you enjoyed the tacos!  Love the Taco Guys!) and then our friend Kelly and her baby joined us for our own mini mommy group.  I knew I was going to get tired and need a nap but we held it together for the market and then headed up to Target for some hat shopping!  I have gotten a number of knit and cotton hats, but realized that it is summer soon and so of course I needed to get a "Sabrina" style hat (aka Audrey Hepburn).  =)

We had some luck- even found a bright pink one in the bargain area for $2.50!

After a quick tour of the baby area I realized I needed to get home for a nap, and so did Bella.  I wasn't in a big rush but was fading fast.  Bella and I laid down together, she was exhausted and drank a whole bunch of milk.  I thought we were well on our way to a snuggly nap when she melted down!  So my mom came in (despite being exhausted herself) and rescued her (or me- maybe both!).  The next thing I know I've completely passed out for a 3 hour nap!  And probably could have kept sleeping!  I guess I pushed it way too hard.

So the learning curve continues.  I do in fact need to build in naps to my day during treatment week and ensure that coverage is there.  My dad had planned to come up but I didn't think I needed it!  Silly me.  Lesson learned!

Shout outs for the day.  Toni-Marie for once again loving our doggies and taking them on a good (uphill!) walk.  And even on the first day of her business at the Farmers Market (check out her website for Feather Mafia).  To my mom for choosing to give up her nap so that I could take an apparently desperately needed one!  And with a fussy, teething, tummy trouble baby to boot!  And to Matt and Lindsay Selig for a delicious dinner!  The enchiladas were great Lindsay and the company can't be beat! =)  Also to Lorraine and my sister Sarah for helping me in my crazy fixation on Nick's 30th bday party.  It's going to be great fun!  I can't wait!!!

The Cancer Cut

Today I went wig shopping.  Nick's mom Lorraine, Bella and my dear friend Vanessa and her baby Phoenix all went along for the ride.  It was, well, odd.  I teared up a little in the shop and felt like we were addressing a really sad part of this process.  And it is sad, but after I left I realized I needed someone to make it fun for me.  Hair is fun.  Wigs are fun.  Let's make this nonsense fun!

So we purchased a wig that will be a really nice high end wig that will look much like my natural hair.  It will be in sometime next week.  However, my hair is falling out faster and faster so something had to be done.  Vanessa being the wonderful friend she is (and hairdresser to boot) came to my house and chopped my hair off (what little there was left!).  She left me with a very cute short do to enjoy for the next few days (because I'm fairly sure it will all be gone by the weekend).  Here's shot of my new do:

Cute right?  Not something I would ever be brave enough to do under normal circumstances, so hey, now I know what I look like with short hair!  Admittedly I don't see myself ever doing this by choice in the future, but it is fun to try!

Also Lorraine, Bella and I stopped into the wig shop on 4th street for an "oh no, my hair will be gone this weekend and I need something for various events planned!" wig.  Lorraine and I got matching bobs for the family fun on Sunday, mine is Easter blond and Lorraine's is awesome purple!  These will be super fun wigs to pull out any time.  Short, fun and funky!

Tomorrow Vanessa and I are going to do some more shopping for wigs and hats and scarves.  I just need to make this fun fun fun.  I've got the "real" stuff settled, and now it is about owning this process.  Maybe I'll have a different colored wig for every day of the week! ;)  Probably not, but hey, this could be fun.  I may or may not be strong enough to rock the bald look.  If I get there, I'll do it.  In the mean time I am going to play hair dress up!

Today's shout outs go to Lorraine for being on Bella duty and taking me to my wig appointment.  My mom as always for her ever present love and 'momming'.  Aunt Judith for an amazing dinner (that salad was really delicious!).  Uncle Gary for letting our dogs terrorize you just a little on a walk (or something like it!).  Vanessa for her steadfast love and "getting it" in my crazy moments (Sabrina hats are a must this summer!), and a fabulous haircut to boot!  I am just a lucky lucky girl.  It is easy to feel blessed even in the face of this horrible disease.  So thank you thank you thank you.

Here's a little picture showing three generations of pixie cuts!  (Sarah- you ready to join us?)

Day two Cycle two

This cycle has gone much better so far!  I didn't get nauseous at all yesterday.  I was proactive with food and water and my "as needed" anti-nausea meds and I think it all came together to really help.  I still slept a bit during the afternoon but was actually up for eating some real food at dinner time.  I can feel that my stomach isn't quite normal still- the blood sugar spikes and drops are still kicking my butt, but I drove myself (with my sister and Bella) to my appointment for my shot today with no issue.  I also ate real dinner tonight!  The food aversions are better too, though not missing.

So things are looking up.  Between a rapidly shrinking tumor and a milder response to the treatment, I can really kick this things butt!  Now the biggest issue for me to face is the very real fact that my hair is falling out.  It isn't traumatic so much yet since it is just falling out like it is majorly shedding (which any natural blond out there knows is a super super normal experience).  The only difference is that on a "normal" shedding day, I can brush my hair, pull out a few handfuls and it stops.  Now, it just keeps going.  So I'm trying to not touch my hair too much, wearing it back in braids and ponytails and just trying to brush it once or twice a day.  Tomorrow I go to the wig shop (gratefully with hair still on my head to use as a reference) and order my wig.  Hopefully I won't be totally bald before I get my wig!  I'm also having my friend Vanessa cut my hair short because although the hair loss isn't traumatizing, it is exceptionally annoying.  Having long strands of blond hair all over me is getting really old fast.  Not to mention the inability to brush my hair without ending up with a pile of hair all over.

So some really big important wins, and a lesser loss.  I think I'll take it!

Some shout outs- my sister KC for spending 2.5 days with us over treatment!  Thank you Sister!  I love you!  It was great to see you and I am so grateful you were here for the yucky time.  To Nick for a lovely date night on Saturday (Ozumos!  Yummy!!!).  To Lorraine for babysitting on Saturday night so that we could go on date night, and also did some cleaning- this was AFTER having our carpets cleaned that morning.  To my mom for her ongoing support through her own illness and pain- I am so grateful you are here with me through this process.  To Sarah and Mia for a happy visit this morning (and bringing me chicken!).  To my dad for being willing to manage our upcoming fence project.  And to Toni for taking our crazy dogs to the dog park today!  Boy I am one lucky lady to have such an amazing support system!  I've probably forgotten people too.  If so I am terribly sorry and will hopefully remember in my next post!  Everything I've received from phone calls, to hats, to cleaning to cards- I have been so incredibly grateful for!  I love you all very much!

Chemo #2

A quick check in for how I'm doing. I prepped better (drank lots of water & ate well in preparation. I also proactively took my "as needed" anti-nausea meds. Although I won't call it yet, so far there has been no nausea at all. I can still feel my interest in food being limited but- I just finished eating dinner with my family! Real food!

So overall it is a good day. Tumor shrinking, my bloodwork looks normal good (not affected negatively), and I seem to be handling the drugs much much better than last time.

On another note, my hair started falling out yesterday. Not chunks but major shedding- constantly. So I've put it in a braid to mitigate the amount I'm leaving everywhere, and figuring what the next step will be. Maybe I'll be rocking that bald look!

It's shrinking!

I'm sitting at chemo number two and my oncologist confirmed that my tumor is shrinking. Last time she measured it at 5cm x 5cm and it was 7 cm deep per the MRI. Today it has flattened out significantly and measures about 3cm x 3 or 4 cm. So that's good news!

Send me good thoughts today for more major shrinkage! The doctor even said by the end of this cycle (halfway through chemo) we may not even be able to feel the tumor. That is the sort of good news I needed!

Surreal Life

Every so often I realize how totally surreal this experience really is for me.  Currently I am feeling good.  Normal, happy, healthy.  The fact of the matter is though that it doesn't matter how I feel today, because on Monday I will be sick.  So this weekend I am "doing" in the name of planning to be sick.  I'm catching up on laundry.  I'm making sure the house is neat and orderly.  I'm planning a date night with Nick so that he gets a little bit of quality time with me when I'm feeling good (and admittedly because my hair hasn't started falling out yet).  I'm trying to make sure I actively play with Bella as much as I can (without totally wearing myself out!).

This is going to be my reality over the next several months- one week on and one week off.  I'm watching my calendar fill up with various events from Nick's 30th birthday to baby showers to dinner parties, and for each event I think "well, how am I going to be feeling that weekend".  To some extent, I still don't know since I change chemo drugs midway through my treatment.  Who knows how Taxol is going to treat me!  That is the nice thing about scheduling treatment for Mondays though- by the time the weekend comes around, I'm well on my way to feeling good, and the second weekend is back to "almost normal".  It makes it much easier to commit to various events knowing I won't be completely trashed.

But then I start thinking about being bald- during the summer no less.  One moment I think "screw it! I'm going to own it and just rock the bald look!" and the next I'm thinking that there is no way I can do that.  That thought is always followed by "well maybe it won't fall out..." which is dangerous thinking in my book.  In case you weren't sure- that does mean that my hair has not started falling out yet.  They say it takes about two weeks for that to happen, which we will hit on Monday.  Perhaps it will be the addition of the second treatment, or it is just a timing factor.  I'm not totally clear on how chemo works over time in that sense.  I just keep waiting, wondering when it is going to happen.

On a positive note, I'm feeling pretty confident that the tumor has already responded to the chemo.  I'll know for sure on Monday if my oncologist agrees with me.  What she says in this regard will be huge for my mental strength.  If she says what I'm thinking (that it has really responded well) I will feel that much more confident over the next few months.  I could really use that boost these days...  In the meantime- the sunshine this week really really helped.