People keep telling me how strong I am. I never know how to respond because whatever it is that I'm doing, is just "how it is" in my book. I don't feel like I'm trying to be strong, or doing anything particularly unusual. I also am in my head of course and know every crack and weak spot that others may not see. Not that I am putting on a strong face either, but the fleeting thoughts, or bad days still happen whether or not I am sharing them entirely.
Today, however, is not a strong day. Today, I have to try. My energy is still low. I feel like I have a little cold (again) and possibly a minor stomach bug. And my body is just not behaving in ways I think are "normal" (then again- what is normal when you are talking about chemotherapy?). I wanted to run some errands today. Nick and Bella came with me even though some of the errands were for the birthday party. I was doing pretty good I thought, until my blood sugar crashed. So we stopped and had some food and I thought I would recover just fine. However, upon returning home I felt flush, became very dizzy, and had to lay down. I know it isn't my blood sugar (having just eaten maybe an hour or so ago), and thought perhaps it is dehydration.
The part that I am challenged by is not knowing how to correct how I feel. Sleep helps, but that doesn't last. Food may or may not help. I haven't pushed water so I will try that next, but I'm not convinced that is the answer either. I can deal with not feeling well. I have never been the person who went to work when they were sick and refused to rest. If I know that resting will make me feel better, I am all for it. But when I don't know how to "fix" the problem, I just get aggravated. Especially when I have things I want to accomplish. This weekend I want to enjoy my family and prepare for the coming week and the big party. Instead I have to duck out and lay down whenever my body strikes. It is a very frustrating feeling.
I don't want to sit here and complain but I felt like today was a good day to share some of the cracks in my "strength". The fact of the matter is that some days, this is really hard. Other days, the only difference is that I'm bald. Today is a hard day. This too shall pass, and I will see good days again.
I know how frustrating it is to be in pain and not know how to fix it. The people around you try to give you all kinds of ideas and sometimes they work sometimes they don't. We're dealing with the post-chemo funkiness too and its hard to watch. Luckily, days pass and it will go away. You are strong in the simple fact that you face this disease, you see it is what it is and you don't hide from it. At least it seems that way from what you write. My thoughts are with you and I'll see you soon
ReplyDelete-Jenny
You're still strong, even if you have a few days that feel a little weak. I think you have told me before that you have to have your heart broken so that it will grow back stronger (or something like that). That must apply to strong-girls, weak-moments too!
ReplyDeleteI love you!
Courtney