Bald Spots

This morning when I got out of bed I discovered I have bald spots.  This really doesn't come as any surprise of course, and yet it somehow caught me emotionally off guard.  It was a hectic morning as we needed to pick up tickets for the baseball game for Nick in San Anselmo and get him to the ferry and Bella to my dad's and me to my acupuncture appointment.  The plan wasn't quite in place so we were all a little grumpy trying to get out of the house while attempting to make dinner plans since today is my mom's birthday...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!!!

We managed to get in the car and get Bella dropped off quickly and easily.  As we rode along I was reading facebook on my phone and came across a "world cancer day" post (or something of the sort).  Suddenly I had tears in my eyes and was entirely unsure as to why.  I've been handling things pretty well.  The idea of cancer hasn't been such a beast for at least a couple of weeks especially as treatment has gone so well and is proving to be effective.  I just sat with it for a moment and moved on as Nick hadn't caught the moment and I just didn't feel like being sad.

We went along with our errands and Nick asked me if I was feeling alright.  I responded with "I found bald spots this morning."  It hadn't occurred to me until that moment that I was upset by this.  I went from trying to have a semi-normal day with appointments and birthday and baseball, to feeling the dark cloud of this process close in above me.  I fought it for most of the afternoon and then finally succumbed.  I didn't melt down or let it overtake me, but it was necessary to acknowledge that it just wasn't a good day emotionally speaking and that was okay too.  I was mostly upset that it happened to be on my mom's birthday, which I really wanted to be happy and present for.  Gratefully I am blessed with a mom who understood where I was at and doesn't take it personally.

At the end of the day we still had a lovely birthday dinner with Alex and Mia and Nick even joined us for dessert after the baseball game.  The accordion player even played happy birthday while Mia sang along.  I may have Nick buzz my head tonight in hopes that it will lead to a less itchy and better night of sleep tonight.  I'm feeling a little anxious at that idea but I am really over touching my head and getting covered in hair (even short hair).  I have a wig and hats to use for the next few days while I wait for my good wig to come in next week.

I guess at the end of the day I am just going to have days, hours, moments that are good, bad, and even ugly.  Some I might be able to expect, and others I might be surprised by.  It is just a process and I know that I will get through it in the end.  I expect to be stronger.