Chemo is done

As the symptoms of my final round of chemo begin to take over my body, I almost relish it. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't wish bone pain and a vicodan haze on anyone. However I know as the pain settles in that I am that much closer to being through this fire walk. My eyes drift to the future increasingly. I get to focus on what I want my life to look like once I am officially a survivor. I'm sure there are rough patches to come still but I can definitely see that this experience is offering me a new lease on life. What has come before no longer dictates what lies ahead. So as I lay low through the next several days, I do so happily, because it is the last time I have to do this.

For updates- my surgery is scheduled for august 4th. I am 90% positive it will be a mastectomy not a lumpectomy. I have done a lot of research on the matter and when I take everything into consideration- including post cancer quality of life and reconstruction options- it seems like the best choice for me. Gratefully I have fabulous doctors guiding me in this decision making process. Tomorrow I have my post chemo MRI which will reveal if there is any cancer left. I feel good about it.

Nearly done

My last treatment of chemotherapy is tomorrow.  I feel happy, relieved, and ready.  I realize I haven't written in two weeks.  It's been a rough couple of weeks.  The bone pain hit, right on schedule, on Wednesday and knocked me out hard.  On top of that, I was struggling with insomnia.  I tried some Ambien to help it when over the counter remedies didn't help, and I think the Ambien was a bad idea.  I felt dizzy and just off for several days.  Finally on Sunday when I was starting to recover from the bone pain drama, I got a nasty head cold.  I'm still dealing with the symptoms of that (cough, and congested sinuses).

All of the physical effects were really the side story to the last two weeks.  The honest truth is that my attitude was just bad.  I was frustrated and cranky and just done with being "broken".  I hit yet another wall I suppose.  I wanted to get out of the house and play with my baby and not get dizzy every time I stood up.  This weekend couldn't have come quicker.

Gratefully, it was such a wonderful weekend that I forgot completely about my bad attitude and am mentally fortified going in to my final chemo tomorrow.  Saturday started out with a wonderful tea party at Crown and Crumpet to celebrate my dear friend Lindsay's birthday.  We dressed up and had an awesome girly time.

Pinkies up!

Then everyone came back to our house and we had a fabulous summer barbecue! Good friends, good food, good times.  The power even went out at the end of the evening which somehow just added to the fun.  We all got a little goofy and did a lot of laughing.  Today, we joined friends at our friend Matt's mom's house for some poolside relaxation.  Again, it was just a lovely afternoon.  I came home this evening with a smile on my face.

I know I missed a lot this past week not writing, but it was just an honest part of the process.  I'll hopefully be more on it this week with posting but we shall see.  I have lots of help scheduled for the week (gratefully) so I can feel a little bit easier knowing that I may have to check out, especially since it is the last time.  Then I get to focus on vacation (we leave one week from today!), and then Bella's birthday party (can't believe she is almost one!), and then surgery and radiation.  I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel of the whole process, not just chemo.  It feels so good.

So for the last time (yay!) I will ask you to think good thoughts for my chemotherapy treatment.  See the drugs killing any cancer that may still be in my body and leaving me healthy and clean.  

One More to Go!

I will be done with chemotherapy in two weeks.  I am SO glad!  Today went well.  My doctor continues to be happy with my response.  I feel like the tissue is continuing to soften up, which on the downside means there is still cancer in there (or has been), but on the upside means it is still going away!  I slept through most of the treatment (thank you benadryl!) and then my friend Jasmine brought me lunch and hung out with me until it was time to go home (Thank you!!!!!).  I then slept for most of the afternoon and will be going to bed shortly.  I tell you, a major dose of benadryl can really knock a girl out!  Other than that I have a slightly itchy face (there is a reason they give you benadryl after all).  The bone pain is really the major symptom from this chemo and I don't expect that until Wednesday.  So I'm hoping (planning) on tomorrow being a pretty good day.

I'm really amazed (and grateful) at how well my body is handling this poison I continue to blast it with.  Today my doctor said she doesn't even know if I need the neupogen (shot to boost my white blood cell production) because my numbers looked so good.  I'll still do them because in her words I "might be bummed if my numbers were too low for my next treatment".  I responded with "super bummed".  So we will stick to what is working, but she already cut my shots down from three to two and my numbers still look outstanding.  My side effects are minimal in the big picture and my response has been fantastic.  I get frustrated with my body often, but this is a reminder of how strong it really is.  It is taking care of me (and itself) through a major assault.  For that, I am grateful.

In other news, I just watched the Tony awards.  I am now officially desperate to get back on the stage.  I haven't done a proper production in 4 years!  I've gratefully had a benefit to participate each fall, but I didn't do that much in the last one and it is only one performance.  So local theatre friends- if you know something coming up in the not too distant future (after I'm done with treatment in November really), particularly something I would be good for- let me know!  The boards are calling my name!  I need to sing and dance and play!

The family is good.  Bella amazes me each and every day.  Even more awesome, we will have a new fence up tomorrow!  Dad, Uncle Gary, Alex and Nick have worked their tails off to tear out our back "fence" (i.e. a ten foot wall of ivy) and put in a new retaining wall and redwood fence.  It is going to be SO nice.  Everyone who will be joining us for Bella's birthday in July will get to see our brand new yard and fence!

Thank you all for the good thoughts.  I know they were coming my way today.  They are still deeply appreciated.

Number 7 tomorrow!

I have my second to last treatment tomorrow.  I am so ready to be done with chemotherapy it is ridiculous.  It's funny though, even having gone through this six times already, I still get anxious the night before.  I found myself agitated- on the edge of grumpy even- as the day wore on today.  I finally realized it was just nerves.

So wish me luck tomorrow!  See those cancer cells disappearing!  It is time for this stage of my life to be over.

Sweetness

Isabella is seriously one of the sweetest babies I have ever met.  I'm sure all parents (or most) would say that about their children, but I really think it is true.  Although she is quite opinionated (and vocal about said opinions) she is the biggest love too.  She has taken to waking us up each morning by giving us kisses.  She wakes up, starts moving, crawls over to one of us (usually me first) and plants a big, wet, open mouth kiss on our faces.  Let me tell you, when you are exhausted after a rough night (sadly with teething we still have those frequently), it is a reminder of why you had a baby to begin with.  You can't be mad at that.  It is just pure love.

This loving behavior goes on throughout the day as Isabella showers us with love.  Every so often she will just grab you and give you a great big kiss.  She hasn't learned to hug yet, but when she takes your head with both of her hands and plants a sloppy kiss on you, it is such whole hearted intentional love, its the best.

These are the things that help remind me what matters.  When the burden of life is feeling too great to carry, I just need to look at my little girls face.

Sometimes the burden is too great

Sometimes the burden of life is just too great to carry. It is these times that we need to rely on our friends and family to share the load. Trouble comes when everyone's plates are too full and there is no one able to share the load. What do you do then? I guess that's why there are professionals paid to listen to your problems. I should get one of those...

I'm tired of having a full load to carry. It is making me feel like less of a friend, daughter, sister, mother and most importantly wife. I desperately want to be able to shoulder some of the burdens of others right now but just don't seem to have the capacity. I'm confident that no one really holds it against me right now but that doesn't much help me feel better about it. Or change it.

Well- tomorrow will be better. Of that I'm sure. As a friend recently said on Facebook- "today, making tomorrow look great since 1929". Yup.

Jealousy

Tonight I'm feeling a little bit jealous.  I'm wasting time on facebook and feeling jealous of what I thought my "normal" future was going to be as I look at my friends lives.  I guess I'm jealous of what I thought my present should be looking like too.  There are a ton of if-than factors that would be different if I didn't have cancer, so the fact of the matter is that things would never have looked the way I thought they were going to.  I still can't help but think about the next couple of years and the choices that are being somewhat taken away from me.  The next two years are crucial to be sure the cancer is gone.  My oncologist definitely doesn't want me to get pregnant during that time.  I could ignore doctors advice, but probably won't.  So my children will be farther apart in age than I would like.  I guess that is what is meant to be.  I only hope that I get to be as present in Bella's next couple of years as I would like.  I hate having the cancer shadow hanging over us.

This is where the advice to live in the moment really comes into play.  As I future trip I worry about things like when I will be able to have another child, if I'm going to have to go back to work, if I have to have a mastectomy and how long I will have to live with the expander if I do... All of these 'worries' take me out of the moment and make me miss what is in front of me.  Which despite the yucky chemo side effects (bone pain and mild neuropathy) is pretty wonderful.  Most especially what is in front of me is my sweet baby girl.  Today we took a wonderful two hour afternoon nap together.  This is her sweetness right after falling asleep.  I love this girl more than I can explain.

Challenges continue

I've been fighting some interesting symptoms for the last 24 hours or so.  I think it is actually a reaction to the vicodan that I am taking for the bone pain, but am not sure since I didn't react last time.  Regardless I have not been feeling great since last night.  Today was our friends Russell & Colleen's housewarming party (great job Colleen!) and I rose to the challenge of socializing, but struggled trying to keep a happy, social face going.

I keep the mantra going- three more weeks, two more treatments.  I am so close to being done with this that I can taste it.  If I can just keep my head up through these next couple of weeks, I know I can handle the rest.  So although this bone pain and related symptoms is really kicking my butt, I'm mostly staying positive knowing how soon I'll be done.

In the meantime, if I don't seem like myself, bear with me.  I'm feeling the weight of this these days and it is becoming harder to function "normally".  I want so desperately to talk to my family and friends, and hear about their lives, and participate fully, but the fact of the matter is that I am lucky to just show up these days.  I'm counting on everyone understanding as I slowly approach the end of at least the first part of this process!

Right on schedule

There really is comfort in knowing what to expect. Yesterday and this morning I felt pretty good. A little less energy than "normal" (whatever that is), but overall quite good. Just about an hour ago I laid down with Bella for a nap and within just a few minutes the bone pain kicked in. I've taken my meds so expect relief any moment. Mentally though I feel like this is so much more manageable. Sure I hurt, but I know what to do and have the tools to do it. I might just be able to finish this part of the process with the positive attitude that I started with. Thank goodness!