Summertime and the living is... busy!

Gershwin was clearly writing about a different time and place when he wrote his beautiful song "Summertime" from Porgy and Bess.  The living around here is far from easy; we are busier than ever!  We have been going non-stop since we entered summer proper.  Pool and birthday parties, fun with friends, and working to ready our house for sale.  I think I mentioned that it is official, I have to sell the house.  It is bittersweet.  I look around and feel so good about this home.  It is a really good one with great neighbors.  But there are a whole lot of memories here that I'd prefer to forget, energy that I simply can't escape, and let's face it, this is WAY too much house for just me and the kids as we stand today.  I'm actually excited to downsize and start from scratch.  Create a home that is just mine and the kids from the start.  No dirt left in the cracks from days gone by that hurt my heart.


With that said, there is SO incredibly much work to be done to ready this house for sale.  Mostly cleaning and packing to declutter and show off the wonderful space that is here.  Lots to do and not a lot of time to do it in.  On top of that, I am investigating an interesting business possibility.  Something I could do from the comfort of my own home, possibly even make enough to support myself in the not too distant future.  It will require some focused time from me so I know I can't start it until after we have moved and possibly the kids are in school. But I can have everything in place ready to move forward when I'm ready.  So think good thoughts for me!  A quick sale on my house for a great price, and success on my business.


Other than all that I'm trying to give my kids a wonderful last summer in this home, with lots of pool time, facepainting, arts and crafts, and play dates galore. Time to heal from this horrible experience.

The hits just keep coming

I'm not sure what it is going to take for my life to get a little gentler. So I am scheduled for a biopsy next week. The radiologist believes it is fat necrosis / scar tissue. Still, we aren't sure until we are sure and that requires a biopsy. So there is that.

Last night the ex and I got into it.  He accused me of being vindictive and unreasonable. He offered the equity in our house to buy something new.  It isn't something I would have ever asked for on my own. When I came to the conclusion that keeping my house wasn't going to work, I felt ok about it knowing I would have enough for a down payment on something else. I was excited to downsize and start fresh. I've determined what monthly support is reasonable based on the California state calculator. I'm not trying to hurt him or screw him. I am of course trying to protect myself and my kids, but nothing more. He thinks differently.

He also thinks I'm behaving like a different person. This is something I took really personally and thought quite a bit about later. In some ways he is right. I'm not the same person. When we were married I was insecure and broken. I was depressed and focused strictly on family life. Now I have regularly scheduled time to focus on myself. My life has been turned upside down so I am reevaluating every choice I make. Nick didn't care much for going out on the town. I love it. So I go out a lot more now. Before my choice was to be with him. He loved baseball. I tried to get into it but just couldn't quite do it. So I ignored all sports. Now I'm interested in following basketball and possibly football. I live in Novato because of the choices we had when we bought this was where he liked it best. I have always wanted to return to the Ross valley, so I am looking into that.

The list of things that I did or didn't do in the name of my relationship is very long. I don't resent those choices but am making different ones on my own. At the core however, I am still me. I'm stronger, less judgmental, more self-confident, and more able to take life as it comes. More grown up. But at the core, still just me. The most vindictive thing I've done since our split is joke that I'm going to become an SF giants fan and get my kids to join me (he is an la dodgers fan). Really cruel right?

But what all this does is leave me feeling scared and unsure of my future. Will I be able to buy a home? Will I have to work full time and not be able to be present for my kids? How do I offer safety and security when I myself am terrified that the person trusted to share this with wants to battle me?

Even worse, despite the fact that he hasn't been my best friend in years, the person who has been my best friend for my entire adult life is turning into an adversary.  And it is all because he decided he no longer wanted to be with me and wanted to be with someone else. I wanted to fight for our marriage. Fix it. Save it. He didn't. So my choices have all been taken away from me and now I have to fight for what he promised he would always give.

It is all completely heartbreaking. My eyes are still puffy from the crying I did last night.

I just really need a break. I need a few things to go smoothly and easily. I need a fresh start and a lot more joy in my life. I need my biopsy next week to come back negative. I need my pants to fit a little looser again. I need my kids to be happy and well mannered. I need my ex to understand that taking care of me is the absolute best thing he can do for his kids. I need my house to sell quickly and for top dollar. I need to find an ideal home for my children for "cheap". I need to find a way to make good money part time so I can still be present for my growing babies. I need to stop dreaming about a reconciliation that I don't want.

That's not too much to ask right?

Jane- get me off this crazy thing!

I seem to be living on a roller coaster.  Just when I think I've reached the end, I discover there is yet another hill to climb, with the twists and turns ahead unseen.  Will it be a simple drop?  Will my life throw me upside down?  All I know is to hang on tight and trust.


Today I had my ultrasound.  The procedure itself took maybe 10 minutes at most, but the appointment took approximately 2.5 hours.  Most of that time was spent waiting.  Waiting at the doctors is bad enough, but add in what us survivors call "scanxiety" and you've got a rough chunk of time.  As soon as the techs came back into my room and said "the radiologist will meet with you but she wanted me to do a quick scan of your armpit" (to look for lymphnode concerns), I knew the news wasn't "all clear."  So I was braced for our conversation.


Finally after probably an hour in their freezing waiting room (where they were out of hot water so I couldn't even make tea) I was called in.  The doctor informed me that she thinks it is just fat necrosis and/or scar tissue (normal for my type of reconstruction... or really anyone who has had surgeries).  She isn't worried, but they have to biopsy it to be totally sure.


I said that I figured I would have to have a biopsy, so I was somewhat already prepared for that.  But the "what" of the biopsy has really thrown me for a loop.  I thought it was on my left side, due to the "noise" they saw last year.  It wasn't.  Then I thought it was something new on the right side- a "mass" that had been in existence and grown.  I'm unclear here.  Then I thought it wasn't that but in fact a lymphnode that had changed size.  It isn't that either.  Now I am back to thinking it is a mass, sort of.  On the original cancer side.  But if it existed previously, no one thought it was worth examining.  That doesn't seem likely to me.  So understanding how they typically deal with me, the best I can understand is that this is something that didn't exist before, and now does.  It looks on the images like fat necrosis or scar tissue from surgery.  None of my doctors are worried.  But we have to biopsy it to be 100% sure that there is in fact nothing to worry about.


Meanwhile I am mentally preparing to sell my house.  Making a list of all the million and one things I need to accomplish (paint, clean, pack, replace fire alarms, etc) and at the same time look for a new house to buy.  I had been looking at one out near my sister for awhile.  Today the kids and I drove by it (well, sort of).  Turns out it is up an epic hill.  I didn't feel safe taking my silly minivan all the way up the driveway so we only sort of glimpsed at what we think was the house.  And it isn't something I could deal with every day.  I know it is silly but it disappointed me.  I trust that we will end up in the right place, but it is a scary process.  I care less about the house than I did the first time I did this.  It can be a cosmetic disaster and that is fine with me as long as it is functional.  But the location is really important since I could be in the house till my kids are grown at least.  Alone no less.


And really, that is what all of this comes down to.  I am feeling really alone.  I have amazing friends and family.  I know the support is there, but I miss what I believed I had.  A partner in my corner.  Someone who was sharing life's trials and tribulations with me.  Someone whose hand I could grab, or would laugh with me when those great roller coaster moments hit.  The fact is that I didn't really have that.  I thought I did, and may have at one point, but it has been years since that person was there.  I've been alone for a great deal longer than I have actually been alone.  Still, it doesn't really change the feeling of loss.  Even if I'd never really had it, I believed that I did and I miss that feeling.


I am tired.  Worn out, beat down, exhausted.  And what is worse, is within all of this, I am feeling the love and appreciation for the house I am in.  The home that was created here.  The neighbors I trust and know.  I know it is time to move on, but that makes my heart ache too.  I am just ready for life to hand me a lollipop instead of lemons.  I make a mean lemonade, but I seem to be running out of sugar....

Picked up and Dusted off

Well the cancer scare got worse before it got better. I called to make my ultrasound appointment, heard the word "mass" and in reference to the original cancer side, and then had to go through all of the reports with my doctors office to figure out that in fact what we are looking into isn't the "noise" they saw on the MRI a year ago, nor a "mass" but in fact a lymph node that they have been watching from the beginning and has a propensity to change sizes.  I won't get into the nitty gritty but essentially now I'm not worried.  I still have to have an ultrasound on Tuesday, and welcome your thoughts and prayers for nothing to be found, but also feel confident that it was enlarged due to the nasty infection I had fought only a week prior.


Still, this week beat me down.  The cancer scare, the ex and his girlfriend, and finally meeting with real estate agents to discuss the sale of my home, was a lot of emotional weight to manage.  By the time Friday afternoon rolled around, I crashed and crashed hard. 


Gratefully this weekend was full of sweetness and blessings.  We spent Saturday morning playing at the pool with friends.  Then my kids noni arrived and we enjoyed lunch together and a quiet afternoon and evening.  I love this woman and am so incredibly grateful to have her in my life.  Sunday we enjoyed a visit to the farmers market where the kids were spoiled with waffles and jumpy houses and pony rides, and then it was family dinner and Bella's preschool graduation.  I know, preschool graduation is so silly, but so so adorable.  I loved every second of it.  My girl was so happy and strong and confident.  She loved being celebrated by her family and I loved it too.


So although this summer has a lot of work in store for me (I really really hate moving) I can't wait to move on from my "family" home to a new home that is untouched by the pain of the past.  I can't wait to get my kids settled into kindergarten and preschool and watch them grow and thrive.  I can't wait to figure out who I am and who I want to be.  To find things in my life that are just mine to support my kids.  To find a rhythm and beauty to our new life.  I find new strength in myself every day and am so incredibly grateful for the amazing people I carry in my heart.  So no, cancer, divorce, betrayal, moving... None of you get to break me.  I am a survivor.

exhausted

I had great intentions of going to bed early tonight.  I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night and have a lot on my plate tomorrow.  I should already be asleep for that matter.  But the truth is, I am emotionally wounded.  I am beat down, ground to a pulp, exhausted.  I have been working incredibly hard to just keep myself afloat.  To slowly climb out of the emotional hell I have been in for the last 2-3 years... no strike that, the last 5 years.  Battling a natural inclination for depression and anxiety is hard enough, add on the challenging early years of children, cancer, betrayal by affair, and finally divorce, and I'm lucky I still have a smile on my face most days.  I have minor wounds attacking me daily.  My kids talking incessantly about their dad and his girlfriend.  Struggling to stay on top of the never ending housework with no one in the house to participate.  Quiet nights when my kids have gone to bed and all I want is someone to snuggle with and watch some mindless entertainment.  Hearing about friends date nights with their spouses.  It is all those little things that add up to a dull ache in my heart and an awful lot of loneliness.  But I push through because I know it isn't forever.  And my kids deserve a happy mommy, even if it is happy but alone.  So I push forward.  I am looking for a job, despite wanting to give my time to my kids.  I am selling my house despite knowing that keeping it would be a better financial decision to stay in the long term.  I trust that there is a light at the end of the tunnel of this process, because, well, there has to be.  And then I am dealt yet another blow.  A suspicious MRI that will result in a biopsy, either via ultrasound or MRI.  Best case, they see nothing on ultrasound or mammogram and I have to move on to an MRI guided biopsy which is apparently really uncomfortable for the patient.  Worst case, they see something on ultrasound and do the biopsy the "easy" way (which still hurts quite a bit) but pretty much would be indicative of cancer.  I'm doing my very best to not future trip about the possibility of cancer.  The fact is that whatever it will be, it already is.  I have no control over it, and worrying will only make this process more hellish.  But even without the possibility of this being a really big deal, just the process of making sure it isn't a really big deal is pretty awful.  One more thing on top of an already full plate, particularly when it comes to my emotional load.  A true partner would be such a huge benefit right now, because that is when sorrow shared is less.  But I am my own partner for now and will utilize the amazing friends and community I have in my life as I can.  I trust that no matter what, best case or worst case, I will survive and ultimately thrive in this crazy crazy life I'm living.

Strength and prayers

It seems I haven't fully proven my strength in this life and have another storm to weather- hopefully small. I received a call today from my oncologists office. The MRI I did last week shows that the something that isn't anything but not nothing from last year has grown. My doctors office only requested that I complete the mammogram and ultrasound that I was supposed to do anyhow. In thinking about it, however, last year when this started, the ultrasound and mammogram were both clear and the medical recommendation was an MRI guided biopsy. So best case scenario, they are still clear and they still recommend that. I called my doctor back and asked if I should just do the biopsy now. I suspect the answer will be yes.

So my friends, I need your thoughts and prayers that this something that's isn't anything but not nothing, is in fact proven to be nothing. If it is something it would be a brand new cancer, not a recurrence. Im not sure that I have the strength for that. I know my community will carry me through, but this could break me. So pray that it is indeed, nothing.

With a little help from my friends...

Clearly I had a melt down earlier today.  My triggers lessen each and every day.  Even when something comes up that still doesn't sit well with me, I am not pushed over the edge like I used to be by most of them.  My children sharing a bed with the woman who fully participated in the destruction of my family unit?  Yeah, that will definitely do it... But I'm not writing to discuss that again, I promise.  Instead I get to acknowledge the beauty of the community I am in today.  I have such phenomenal friends that I can show up with my kids to their house, with a melt down in progress (and admittedly a bottle of wine with this particular friend) and be welcomed, supported, and talked off the ledge.  Tonight I had made arrangements to have dinner at my friend Jasmine's house.  Our kids play awesome together, and we have been friends (albeit with a few intermissions) since the second grade.  The best kind of family in my opinion.  The plans were made when I was actually in a decent mood.  So when I showed up in a tizzy, with a bottle of wine in hand, she gladly joked about how I could deal with this situation, shared a glass of wine with me, fed me and my kids dinner, and reminded me that I am not alone.  Sounds schmaltzy written like that, which she would totally not approve of, but the fact is, I am insanely grateful and lucky to have her in my life.  And I have others that I could have done the same thing with.  People who would show up for me in a heartbeat.  Who are happy to support me in both my moments of weakness, and my spiritual zen ninja moments of greatness.  Friendship was always a struggle for me growing up and well into adulthood.  Now, here I stand with everything I thought I knew in shambles around me, but with some of the best, strongest friendships I have every experienced.  I feel phenomenally lucky for this.  I still see that bright light, even when it is eclipsed by daily darkness.  I know it is there for me and my kids.  And the beauty and strength of these amazing friendships that I hold is all the proof that I need that there is some sort of god(dess). =)

How to cope?

I am really struggling with something right now.  The ex husband is actively and publicly dating his affair partner.  This in an of itself is an ego blow, but manageable.  Now, however, he is very consistently bringing her around my children.  Last week when I was sick with the flu, the four of them went out to dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant (where we are known by name and our kids have their own special dishes).  She spends the night at his place when they are there, though had been sleeping on the couch.  Still not great, but something I was dealing with.  Just moments ago I heard my daughter telling my mom about how the other woman and her daughter spent the night this weekend with them.  After they were done talking, I asked her what their sleeping arrangements were.  She informed me that all five of them shared a bed.  I am so uncomfortable with this.  This woman has already "stolen" my husband and now she is worming her way into my children's lives.  I don't like or respect her.  I don't care for how she parents (this was true before the affair) or how she chooses to live her life.  I believe she is an immoral person.  I feel many of these things about the ex too (increasingly) but he is their dad, so we deal.  I just can't seem to deal with the fact that I can't protect my children from people I think are bad influences.  Any other circumstance and I would have that ability.  But because he decided to end our marriage, I lost this ability.


So I am genuinely asking- how do I cope with this?  How do I find a way to be okay with the fact that this woman who actively participated in the destruction of my family is sharing a bed with my children?  Nothing about this situation is okay with me.  I have no idea how to do this.  I have no desire to share my life with him anymore.  He has shown me, repeatedly, how badly matched we are now.  I am not jealous of her because she has him.  But my ego HATES that she "won" when she never deserved to even be in play.  And now, she not only gets my husband, but my children too???  Where is the justice in this life?  I am truly angry and heartbroken and know that I have no power whatsoever.  It may be the worst feeling I've experienced to date- and I had cancer.