Wow- it's been almost a month since my last post! Two kids, Christmas
and illnesses (theirs, not mine) have certainly kept me busy.
I desperately wish I had happier things to write. I have two beautiful
children and do know how lucky I am for that. I'm here, alive on this
planet. Another miracle. Truth be told though, life in this moment is
hard.
I loved the beginning with Bella. It was hard, of course, but I
remember how sweet and snuggly it was too. As hard as it was, I wasn't
wishing the time away. At this point she was a happy, easy going baby
(for the most part). I still had to fight for the breastfeeding, but
it was a choice. I'm sure I'm blocking plenty out, but I am for sure
clear that I wasn't wishing time to go faster.
Right now, I'm wishing time away. I'm sure that in a few months life
will be so much easier. Gio won't be in so much discomfort (either
having outgrown it or because we will figure "it" out). Bella will be
used to being a big sister, and they can interact more. I will be more
comfortable leaving Gio and start doing things for me, and my
marriage, again. I'll have more space, and more perspective on what my
future can look like. I might get to stop being the milk stained, spit
up covered, unshowered mess I've become.
Some days I think being a mom is the best thing that ever happened to
me. I genuinely think my kids are the most amazing little people. I'm
still getting to know Gio, but I already love him beyond words. And
Bella, my angel. She is intense, and sweet, and strong, and smart, and
silly... The list goes on. She amazes me Every. Single. Day.
Then there are days like today. I wonder if I'm really cut out for
this. I think that maybe going back to a regular job would just be
easier. I think about what it would take. It would break my heart
every day, but would it save my sanity? Would it rebalance my
relationship with nick because there would no longer be a perceived
imbalance at home? I certainly don't stay home because it is easy.
I have no answer. Gratefully I don't need one yet since Gio is too
little for me to do anything else. I'll aim for decisions next fall
since that is when Bella needs to start preschool. Of course by then,
life will look totally different anyhow!
Sorry to be such a downer after so long between posts! I swear I have
happy posts to add. I'll need to backtrack and document the holidays.
It was Gio's first afterall! Lots of sweet moments and sweet smiles. I
just need to hold on to those moments as they come.
Grant me the SERENITY
To accept the things I cannot change
COURAGE to change
The things I can
And the WISDOM
To know the difference...
Friday, December 28, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
In my head
I'm currently writing a post in my head. I started to type it out today and quickly realized that it wasn't going to turn out the way I wanted. So I will save it for another day. Two kids are keeping me on my toes. I am worn out. Poor Gio is really suffering with his acid reflux. We put him on meds a couple of weeks ago and it helped at first. Then I don't know, maybe he outgrew the dose or something, but this past week has gotten so bad again. He cries so much. And I know he is in pain. It breaks my heart. But it wears me down too. I'm definitely struggling. Meanwhile I'm trying to make sure Bella is still getting what she needs but when you have a screaming baby, your attention is clearly going to go to that. I'm so lucky and grateful to not be doing this alone all day every day, between my mom and Nick at home, and other friends and family when they're around too. Even with my amazing support system, this is just hard. I am so determined to breastfeed at the very least until six months, but hopefully until the one year marker when they recommend breast milk or formula until. I don't want to give him formula if I can avoid it. However, if I don't figure out how to make things easier, and soon, I don't know that I will be able to make it that far. This is hard. It isn't the actual nursing that is a challenge, but the constant desperate neediness going on. If he isn't eating or sleeping, he is crying. Okay we do get some happy times, but they feel few and far between right now. I was handling the sleep deprivation okay, but combined with the fussy baby and strong willed toddler, I see my positive attitude slipping. What helped fortify me during these tough times with Bella was my mommy group. I could go there and cry or laugh or vent and know that I was in the company of people who understood and empathized. But there is no mommy group for babies and toddlers (not like you could talk much with toddlers running around!)... Actually the mommy group I used to go to has been disbanded, which is particularly sad for me. I could have at the very least arranged babysitting for Bella and taken Gio to get some mental support. I'm working on some ideas to get that support again. I need my mommies again!
Well I didn't expect this to be so long or so full of vents but I guess that is just where I'm at. The truth is ugly sometimes. I love my babies. They are amazing and there is at least one moment each day with each child that makes my heart grow a little bigger, but the minutiae of day to day is tough. And I guess right now, I'm feeling the weight of it all.
Well I didn't expect this to be so long or so full of vents but I guess that is just where I'm at. The truth is ugly sometimes. I love my babies. They are amazing and there is at least one moment each day with each child that makes my heart grow a little bigger, but the minutiae of day to day is tough. And I guess right now, I'm feeling the weight of it all.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Respite
be cleared. He still has a little congestion from his cold but it
mostly doesn't seem to bother him. Finally I'm feeling like I can
relax again and truly begin enjoying this sweet boy. I know there is
an angel in there just like his big sister. He has just been in so
much pain. Now I am starting to actually enjoy breastfeeding. I know
he is getting enough and it isn't harming him in any way. Amazing what
a different experience this has been. Counting my blessings...
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Disaster zone
We've been a bit of a mess around here for a few days now. Over the
weekend Gio started struggling quite a bit more than he had been and I
noticed a cycle tied to feeding with several hard symptoms. I started
to considered possible causes, from basic gas, to dairy intolerance,
to reflux. After doing a lot of reading I came to the conclusion that
Gio likely had reflux. He exhibited all of the symptoms 80-90% of the
time. Since we had his one month check up scheduled for Wednesday I
started out with some homeopathic colic aids to see if they helped and
scheduled an appointment with our chiropractor.
The homeopathics helped but not enough. The adjustment was good, but
not enough. I wasn't worried though. We would talk to the pediatrician
on Wednesday and go back for another adjustment on Friday. I could see
the light. He was still sleeping fine and eating well. He clearly hurt
and was unhappy as a result but we were functioning acceptably.
Wednesday we went to his check up. His poor sister was home with a
cold but in good spirits so I just needed to get him some antacid
medicine and we would be moving in the right direction.
At his appointment we determined he was also suffering from thrush.
This is an overgrowth of yeast in the mouth from milk sitting in it.
Since I had taken antibiotics the week before, this didn't come as a
huge surprise to me. I tried to avoid it with probiotics for us both,
but wasn't diligent with them. So he had violet gentian put on his
tongue and I was instructed to treat myself also (we can pass it back
and forth while breastfeeding if we are not both treated). We had an
order for Zantac so things were looking good. Gio weighed in at a
whopping 12 lbs to boot so really, things were going well.
Then, last night happened.
Poor boy screamed on and off for 14 hours. All. Night. Long.
I was losing my mind. He was miserable and there was nothing I could
do it seemed.
In retrospect I think it was a prefect storm of events. He had caught
Bella's cold and couldn't breathe properly. His mouth hurt from the
thrush treatment making it painful to eat. So he hurt and was hungry.
He had extra gas from his first dose of Zantac and the thrush. The gas
was painful when occurring with an empty stomach. Then the screaming
made all of those things worse. He couldn't even suck on a pacifier to
soothe since his mouth hurt. Totally brutal.
So today we suffered through the aftermath of no one having enough
sleep, and everyone already sick or battling this cold. I'm so run
down from lack of sleep that I have no faith I can fight it off.
This is by far the most difficult day we have had yet. I at least was
able to keep a relatively good attitude and not give in to my lack of
sleep. Now I just need to get my babies well and hopefully get all of
us some rest!
Well wishes and quick healing thoughts are welcome and appreciated!
I'm ready to "get my life back" as much as you can with a new baby. :)
weekend Gio started struggling quite a bit more than he had been and I
noticed a cycle tied to feeding with several hard symptoms. I started
to considered possible causes, from basic gas, to dairy intolerance,
to reflux. After doing a lot of reading I came to the conclusion that
Gio likely had reflux. He exhibited all of the symptoms 80-90% of the
time. Since we had his one month check up scheduled for Wednesday I
started out with some homeopathic colic aids to see if they helped and
scheduled an appointment with our chiropractor.
The homeopathics helped but not enough. The adjustment was good, but
not enough. I wasn't worried though. We would talk to the pediatrician
on Wednesday and go back for another adjustment on Friday. I could see
the light. He was still sleeping fine and eating well. He clearly hurt
and was unhappy as a result but we were functioning acceptably.
Wednesday we went to his check up. His poor sister was home with a
cold but in good spirits so I just needed to get him some antacid
medicine and we would be moving in the right direction.
At his appointment we determined he was also suffering from thrush.
This is an overgrowth of yeast in the mouth from milk sitting in it.
Since I had taken antibiotics the week before, this didn't come as a
huge surprise to me. I tried to avoid it with probiotics for us both,
but wasn't diligent with them. So he had violet gentian put on his
tongue and I was instructed to treat myself also (we can pass it back
and forth while breastfeeding if we are not both treated). We had an
order for Zantac so things were looking good. Gio weighed in at a
whopping 12 lbs to boot so really, things were going well.
Then, last night happened.
Poor boy screamed on and off for 14 hours. All. Night. Long.
I was losing my mind. He was miserable and there was nothing I could
do it seemed.
In retrospect I think it was a prefect storm of events. He had caught
Bella's cold and couldn't breathe properly. His mouth hurt from the
thrush treatment making it painful to eat. So he hurt and was hungry.
He had extra gas from his first dose of Zantac and the thrush. The gas
was painful when occurring with an empty stomach. Then the screaming
made all of those things worse. He couldn't even suck on a pacifier to
soothe since his mouth hurt. Totally brutal.
So today we suffered through the aftermath of no one having enough
sleep, and everyone already sick or battling this cold. I'm so run
down from lack of sleep that I have no faith I can fight it off.
This is by far the most difficult day we have had yet. I at least was
able to keep a relatively good attitude and not give in to my lack of
sleep. Now I just need to get my babies well and hopefully get all of
us some rest!
Well wishes and quick healing thoughts are welcome and appreciated!
I'm ready to "get my life back" as much as you can with a new baby. :)
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Keeping busy!
First week of Nick being back at work and I've been kept quite busy. With the support of my mom, the week went quite well. Nap times are a bit challenging but I managed to get both kids down for a nap- with me- every day but one, and that was due to other factors. Overall, I consider it a success. I even had moments of feeling like I can handle two kids on my own- once I'm physically healed that is. That's the only major holdout for me currently is that I am still quite sore. I don't have a very good point of reference for how long, and how badly, I should hurt since I was sitting on ice and taking narcotics for a good month after having Bella. This time since I haven't taken anything but motrin and had significantly less injury I thought I would feel better by now. Apparently that isn't true. But I'm able to do things like go to the grocery store and other such errands. I'm hoping once I hit the month marker I'll be able to start taking walks and getting a little bit of proper exercise. This next week I'm planning to take both the kids to the Discovery Museum (with a helper- not on my own) as a small test for how I'm feeling. If I can handle that, I'll know I'm on the upswing!
Anyhow just wanted to write a quick update while I had a minute to do so. These moments are few and far between and I imagine will only get fewer and farther between for awhile. So far so good though. Gio is a relatively easy baby. He's having some tummy troubles that we are working on, but they didn't keep us up last night, so I figure it isn't that bad. I am having to watch what I eat and how it affects him since that definitely seems to matter (not something I ever really had to deal with when I was breastfeeding Bella). Otherwise, he eats well, sleeps well, and is a pretty low key guy. Hates having his diaper and clothes changed, and didn't love his first bath, but mostly I attribute that to the fact that he seems to hate being cold.
Birth announcements should be going out this coming week- we have the photo I just need to create it and print and mail them! I'll try to update again soon!
Anyhow just wanted to write a quick update while I had a minute to do so. These moments are few and far between and I imagine will only get fewer and farther between for awhile. So far so good though. Gio is a relatively easy baby. He's having some tummy troubles that we are working on, but they didn't keep us up last night, so I figure it isn't that bad. I am having to watch what I eat and how it affects him since that definitely seems to matter (not something I ever really had to deal with when I was breastfeeding Bella). Otherwise, he eats well, sleeps well, and is a pretty low key guy. Hates having his diaper and clothes changed, and didn't love his first bath, but mostly I attribute that to the fact that he seems to hate being cold.
Birth announcements should be going out this coming week- we have the photo I just need to create it and print and mail them! I'll try to update again soon!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Breastfeeding
If you followed my blog for any amount of time, you probably know how desperately I struggled with breastfeeding with Bella. I had a laundry list of things that could have caused supply issues that I battled for months. I honestly have never worked for anything in my life as hard as I worked to breastfeed Bella. By the end I was taking over 30 pills a day to try and up my supply, pumping constantly, nursing once a day (in the middle of the night, since that was the only time she would latch) and I still hadn't fully met her need. After 5 months of killing myself to give her breastmilk, I finally gave up. I had done the best I could, she didn't seem to have any type of preference and it had started to interfere with my time and energy towards just being with Bella. I figured formula and a happy, present mama was better than breastmilk and a frustrated mama who was constantly busy pumping and taking pills.
It was two short months after I finished breastfeeding that I was diagnosed with cancer. In retrospect it could have been the cancer causing my supply issues. It might not have been. No one knew for sure. I am going to take the perspective today that my journey was what allowed me to be so attuned to my breasts and find the cancer as quickly as I did. I am going to believe that it was a necessary evil. Perhaps if breastfeeding had gone well, and there hadn't been any supply issues, I wouldn't have noticed a lump, or I would have let it go longer, potentially creating a much more dangerous situation for myself. I choose to see it at a blessing in disguise.
Going into baby number two, I simply didn't know any of this for sure. I might still have supply issues, and I only have one breast now. In theory, we have two breasts so that we can feed twins. Many women feed their babies with only one breast for a multitude of reasons. I had to trust that this was a possibility for me too.
After Giancarlo was born, I made sure that the lactation consultant visited us before we left the hospital. We were set up with a supplemental nursing system, just in case I did need to supplement. This would allow him to receive supplemental formula, while still "nursing"- telling my body to make more milk, and telling him that milk came from the breast (no bottles). He received a tiny bit just so we could practice in the hospital. Then it was time to go home. Day 3 (same day as Bella's first meltdown) he was unsatisfied with colostrum, and my milk simply hadn't come in. I gave him one small supplement with the SNS and we had a good night. The next morning my milk had started to come in, though still not fully. He seemed unsatisfied again, so I set up the SNS for another small supplement. He was not terribly interested.
After the first supplement and the third, he spit up quite a bit. My gut told me it just wasn't great for him. I didn't want to start searching for other formula's yet though. I just wanted to take it as it went and my milk had just started to come in. I wasn't supplementing automatically, only if it seemed like he needed more.
After that morning supplement, he hasn't had a drop more of formula. I had it ready to go by my bed, and even brought it out on a few outings with us, thinking he would need it. But here we are, a week and a half out from that last supplement (and my milk coming in) and he hasn't needed anything. In fact, I have an over abundance of milk it seems. I am ready to start pumping once I figure out how to get it into my day. Aside from the standard advice of making sure they have enough wet and dirty diapers (which he has), at his 2 week check up, he had surpassed his birthweight by 5 ounces!!! He had gone up a full 10 ounces in a week on my milk alone.
I am so happy, and proud I can't even begin to tell you. Not only is this a personal achievement for me, and a wonderful thing for my sweet baby boy, but it also feels as though it is setting me on a different course than I was on last time. I shared at the end of my pregnancy how some of my fears were coming from the fact that the end of pregnancy felt like the beginning of my cancer story. Now, this time, the story is going differently. It is logically illogical to allow my fears to dissipate. I am increasingly seeing hope and joy for my future. Now I just need to physically heal from giving birth and I believe I will really get to start enjoying being the mother of two. I see the light!
It was two short months after I finished breastfeeding that I was diagnosed with cancer. In retrospect it could have been the cancer causing my supply issues. It might not have been. No one knew for sure. I am going to take the perspective today that my journey was what allowed me to be so attuned to my breasts and find the cancer as quickly as I did. I am going to believe that it was a necessary evil. Perhaps if breastfeeding had gone well, and there hadn't been any supply issues, I wouldn't have noticed a lump, or I would have let it go longer, potentially creating a much more dangerous situation for myself. I choose to see it at a blessing in disguise.
Going into baby number two, I simply didn't know any of this for sure. I might still have supply issues, and I only have one breast now. In theory, we have two breasts so that we can feed twins. Many women feed their babies with only one breast for a multitude of reasons. I had to trust that this was a possibility for me too.
After Giancarlo was born, I made sure that the lactation consultant visited us before we left the hospital. We were set up with a supplemental nursing system, just in case I did need to supplement. This would allow him to receive supplemental formula, while still "nursing"- telling my body to make more milk, and telling him that milk came from the breast (no bottles). He received a tiny bit just so we could practice in the hospital. Then it was time to go home. Day 3 (same day as Bella's first meltdown) he was unsatisfied with colostrum, and my milk simply hadn't come in. I gave him one small supplement with the SNS and we had a good night. The next morning my milk had started to come in, though still not fully. He seemed unsatisfied again, so I set up the SNS for another small supplement. He was not terribly interested.
After the first supplement and the third, he spit up quite a bit. My gut told me it just wasn't great for him. I didn't want to start searching for other formula's yet though. I just wanted to take it as it went and my milk had just started to come in. I wasn't supplementing automatically, only if it seemed like he needed more.
After that morning supplement, he hasn't had a drop more of formula. I had it ready to go by my bed, and even brought it out on a few outings with us, thinking he would need it. But here we are, a week and a half out from that last supplement (and my milk coming in) and he hasn't needed anything. In fact, I have an over abundance of milk it seems. I am ready to start pumping once I figure out how to get it into my day. Aside from the standard advice of making sure they have enough wet and dirty diapers (which he has), at his 2 week check up, he had surpassed his birthweight by 5 ounces!!! He had gone up a full 10 ounces in a week on my milk alone.
I am so happy, and proud I can't even begin to tell you. Not only is this a personal achievement for me, and a wonderful thing for my sweet baby boy, but it also feels as though it is setting me on a different course than I was on last time. I shared at the end of my pregnancy how some of my fears were coming from the fact that the end of pregnancy felt like the beginning of my cancer story. Now, this time, the story is going differently. It is logically illogical to allow my fears to dissipate. I am increasingly seeing hope and joy for my future. Now I just need to physically heal from giving birth and I believe I will really get to start enjoying being the mother of two. I see the light!
Giancarlo's Birth Story
Let's start our story on Friday at my last OB appointment. As you know, I had tried to have my membranes stripped earlier in the week to no avail. I went to an acupuncturist on Thursday for a "natural induction" which definitely had things moving a bit. On Friday they stripped my membranes and I was measured at not quite 3 cms dilated. I was feeling good and positive that things would get going after this. I decided to go have Indian food for lunch (eggplant and spice- it had to help right?), my mom Bella and I went for a walk around the block after nap, and then Nick, Bella and I went to the mall for dinner where we would walk some more. I was bound and determined to make this labor happen.
Saturday morning I woke up after a horrible nights sleep, still pregnant and not in labor. I was frustrated to say the least, and tired and grumpy to boot. I was awake at least every hour between contractions and needing to pee and needing to switch sides. Nick was not easy to wake when Bella decided it was time to get up so I grumpily got up and decided we would go to the grocery store. Gratefully my mom agreed to go with us. The three of us arrived at Trader Joes and I was collecting the big cart while my mom and Bella went inside to retrieve the little cart for Bella (she loves pushing her own shopping cart around the store). I was distracted for a minute outside first by a low flying helicopter, and then by the pumpkins I was considering buying. As I stood there looking at pumpkins, I felt a gush of fluid. I stood there for a minute trying to determine if my water had just broken or if I had just peed myself a little. Yes, I was one of those women. I couldn't tell! I walked inside where my mom and Bella stood and I explained that I was looking at pumpkins but needed to go to the bathroom. I beelined to the restroom where I thought for sure my question would be quickly resolved. It wasn't. I had a pad with me, so I put it in and decided that I wasn't going to say anything and just finish grocery shopping. I thought it would be clear by the time I finished grocery shopping at the very least, and didn't want to rush home just to determine I was wrong. I would have been very irritated to go back to the grocery store at that point! =) So I went ahead and finished grocery shopping!
After arriving at home I had determined it was in fact my water that had broken, but clearly little boys head was acting as a plug and so there wasn't a lot of fluid coming out. Yet. I called my OBs office to give them a head's up that my water had broken. They called back and said I should go ahead and head down to the hospital. We all thought for sure I would go quickly once things started moving. At that point nothing else had changed for me- no more contractions, nothing painful, just some fluid.
So we gathered some things up (I had changed pants three times by this point because the gushes you expect had actually occurred), and headed out. We took Isabella to my dad's house, packed for the night, but with the expectation that we would have the baby by the end of the day and she would go home with my mom. We stopped to pick up some food for Nick (and me since I realized I needed a little something extra). We really didn't rush.
We arrived at the hospital around 1:30 or 2pm and checked in. We settled into our room where they put me on the monitor to check me and baby out, and we hunkered down until the doctor came to check me out. I was having contractions, but still nothing painful. Nothing that would have sent me to the hospital if I had been following typical orders (intense contractions 5 minutes apart that last 1 minute for 1 hour). By the time the doctor arrived I knew they would be talking pitocin. I wanted to hold out, sure things would start to move, but when she checked me and I had made no progress at all, I gave in.
Sometime in the evening we went ahead and started Pitocin. I genuinely believed things would get going soon. I walked, and showered, and sat on the birthing ball. I was so uncomfortable sitting in the hospital bed I felt like I wasn't going to get any sleep at all. I finally asked for some help, and was given a drug around midnight that made me happy and relaxed and allowed me to rest- finally. I had a second dose of this a few hours later and managed to get a few hours of sleep through the night. They continued upping my Pitocin little by little through the night.
By the morning I was very uncomfortable and having regular, painful contractions. I thought we were surely on our way by this point- and close to hitting the standard max of Pitocin I knew we needed to be. I was finally uncomfortable enough that I decided I would get the epidural which meant moving to the delivery room. I told them I wanted to eat breakfast, digest a little, and then it would be epidural time. We actually moved quickly after I ate breakfast. I actually had to stop in the hallway on my walk to the delivery room because a contraction hit me so hard. I thought for sure they would check me and we would be cruising right along.
Once in the delivery room, epidural placed and much happier, the doctor came in to check me and much to our surprise, dismay, and disappointment, I had barely progressed. I was still at 3 cms. I couldn't believe after all the pitocin, the discomfort, everything, this baby was holding strong and just not coming. They placed an internal monitor for my contractions to get a better idea of what was going on. No one was worried about the baby- he looked great on the monitor and no one was talking about any further intervention at that point. My doctor essentially felt that I just hadn't really been in labor yet (clearly) and that was okay. I was just starting to hit active labor (which admittedly made me feel like a little bit of a wuss since I already had the epidural). I was crushed. My dad brought Bella down to visit and my sister KC was with them as well. She had driven down from Sacramento that day. I told her I was sorry but I didn't think she was going to get to meet her nephew that day.
After a chaotic visit (I had my dad, his partner Vicki, both my sisters, Nick, Bella, my niece, my mom and Nick's mom all in my room) I asked that everyone go to lunch for a little bit so I could rest. While they were gone my epidural went lopsided and I was in quite a bit of pain. My nurse also decided that she wanted the doctor to replace my internal monitor because she felt that it wasn't reading the intensity of my contractions accurately. At 1:30pm she checked me and I still hadn't progressed. I switched sides to try and redistribute the epidural while we waited for the doctor. At 2pm the doctor arrived to check the monitor. She checked me before doing this and found that I had gone from 3cms to 5 cms in that half an hour! Success! She also felt the monitor was fine which meant I could receive some more Pitocin (we had now crossed the standard cap). Meanwhile, the contractions became very painful on one side with the lopsided epidural.
Everyone came back to say goodbye and we called the anesthesiologist to give me a little more medicine to fix the epidural. I started feeling confident that we might just have our baby before the end of the day. I set a new goal of delivering before dinner (because by this point I was hungry!) and that would also mean that Bella could meet her baby brother.
I started feeling pressure and kept my nurse informed. I guess I was a little too calm about it or something. I told her when the pressure started and then when I could feel him moving into the birth canal more fully. I didn't feel the urgency to push, but knew that it meant he was close. She finally decided to check me and low and behold I was fully dilated and ready to go! She told me not to move and keep my legs closed because she needed to get my doctor down there! =) My doctor arrived shortly and we got to the business of pushing. After a couple of minutes of me complaining that I couldn't breathe (well I couldn't!) I started pushing. Altogether once the doctor arrived and I got down to business, it was less than 15 minutes of pushing. Giancarlo was born at 4:23pm.
So from 1:30 to 4pm I went from 3cms to fully dilated and ready to go. Talk about speedy! That was the labor I imagined I'd have- minus the 24 or so hours leading up to that! I suppose if I'd stayed home and followed the typical rules about when to go to the hospital, that is what I would have gotten. Who knows. Maybe if I have a third baby I'll give myself the opportunity to find out. I no longer feel like I missed out on an experience though. I'm pretty clear that I'm a fan of the epidural and see no reason to suffer through labor pains. It clearly didn't delay my labor at all! It would be nice to avoid the pitocin, but at least I got to experience the "it's time" water breaking moment! I also only had a first degree tear, which according to my doctor only happened because he corkscrewed himself out at the last moment.
There you go. Giancarlo's birth story. Not the story I'd imagined for myself, but as with any healthy baby- a happy ending. I'm still healing but in much better shape than the first time around. No narcotics needed, only ibuprofen. I was on my feet a few hours after birth without much trouble, and it only took that long due to the extra dose of epidural I had received so shortly before birth. Took awhile to regain full feeling of my legs!
We are all adjusting to our new life and recovering from the major event. Bella struggled quite a bit the first week, but that another story for another day. As of today things look good, and we are very happy. Our expanded little family of four.
Saturday morning I woke up after a horrible nights sleep, still pregnant and not in labor. I was frustrated to say the least, and tired and grumpy to boot. I was awake at least every hour between contractions and needing to pee and needing to switch sides. Nick was not easy to wake when Bella decided it was time to get up so I grumpily got up and decided we would go to the grocery store. Gratefully my mom agreed to go with us. The three of us arrived at Trader Joes and I was collecting the big cart while my mom and Bella went inside to retrieve the little cart for Bella (she loves pushing her own shopping cart around the store). I was distracted for a minute outside first by a low flying helicopter, and then by the pumpkins I was considering buying. As I stood there looking at pumpkins, I felt a gush of fluid. I stood there for a minute trying to determine if my water had just broken or if I had just peed myself a little. Yes, I was one of those women. I couldn't tell! I walked inside where my mom and Bella stood and I explained that I was looking at pumpkins but needed to go to the bathroom. I beelined to the restroom where I thought for sure my question would be quickly resolved. It wasn't. I had a pad with me, so I put it in and decided that I wasn't going to say anything and just finish grocery shopping. I thought it would be clear by the time I finished grocery shopping at the very least, and didn't want to rush home just to determine I was wrong. I would have been very irritated to go back to the grocery store at that point! =) So I went ahead and finished grocery shopping!
After arriving at home I had determined it was in fact my water that had broken, but clearly little boys head was acting as a plug and so there wasn't a lot of fluid coming out. Yet. I called my OBs office to give them a head's up that my water had broken. They called back and said I should go ahead and head down to the hospital. We all thought for sure I would go quickly once things started moving. At that point nothing else had changed for me- no more contractions, nothing painful, just some fluid.
So we gathered some things up (I had changed pants three times by this point because the gushes you expect had actually occurred), and headed out. We took Isabella to my dad's house, packed for the night, but with the expectation that we would have the baby by the end of the day and she would go home with my mom. We stopped to pick up some food for Nick (and me since I realized I needed a little something extra). We really didn't rush.
We arrived at the hospital around 1:30 or 2pm and checked in. We settled into our room where they put me on the monitor to check me and baby out, and we hunkered down until the doctor came to check me out. I was having contractions, but still nothing painful. Nothing that would have sent me to the hospital if I had been following typical orders (intense contractions 5 minutes apart that last 1 minute for 1 hour). By the time the doctor arrived I knew they would be talking pitocin. I wanted to hold out, sure things would start to move, but when she checked me and I had made no progress at all, I gave in.
Sometime in the evening we went ahead and started Pitocin. I genuinely believed things would get going soon. I walked, and showered, and sat on the birthing ball. I was so uncomfortable sitting in the hospital bed I felt like I wasn't going to get any sleep at all. I finally asked for some help, and was given a drug around midnight that made me happy and relaxed and allowed me to rest- finally. I had a second dose of this a few hours later and managed to get a few hours of sleep through the night. They continued upping my Pitocin little by little through the night.
By the morning I was very uncomfortable and having regular, painful contractions. I thought we were surely on our way by this point- and close to hitting the standard max of Pitocin I knew we needed to be. I was finally uncomfortable enough that I decided I would get the epidural which meant moving to the delivery room. I told them I wanted to eat breakfast, digest a little, and then it would be epidural time. We actually moved quickly after I ate breakfast. I actually had to stop in the hallway on my walk to the delivery room because a contraction hit me so hard. I thought for sure they would check me and we would be cruising right along.
Once in the delivery room, epidural placed and much happier, the doctor came in to check me and much to our surprise, dismay, and disappointment, I had barely progressed. I was still at 3 cms. I couldn't believe after all the pitocin, the discomfort, everything, this baby was holding strong and just not coming. They placed an internal monitor for my contractions to get a better idea of what was going on. No one was worried about the baby- he looked great on the monitor and no one was talking about any further intervention at that point. My doctor essentially felt that I just hadn't really been in labor yet (clearly) and that was okay. I was just starting to hit active labor (which admittedly made me feel like a little bit of a wuss since I already had the epidural). I was crushed. My dad brought Bella down to visit and my sister KC was with them as well. She had driven down from Sacramento that day. I told her I was sorry but I didn't think she was going to get to meet her nephew that day.
After a chaotic visit (I had my dad, his partner Vicki, both my sisters, Nick, Bella, my niece, my mom and Nick's mom all in my room) I asked that everyone go to lunch for a little bit so I could rest. While they were gone my epidural went lopsided and I was in quite a bit of pain. My nurse also decided that she wanted the doctor to replace my internal monitor because she felt that it wasn't reading the intensity of my contractions accurately. At 1:30pm she checked me and I still hadn't progressed. I switched sides to try and redistribute the epidural while we waited for the doctor. At 2pm the doctor arrived to check the monitor. She checked me before doing this and found that I had gone from 3cms to 5 cms in that half an hour! Success! She also felt the monitor was fine which meant I could receive some more Pitocin (we had now crossed the standard cap). Meanwhile, the contractions became very painful on one side with the lopsided epidural.
Everyone came back to say goodbye and we called the anesthesiologist to give me a little more medicine to fix the epidural. I started feeling confident that we might just have our baby before the end of the day. I set a new goal of delivering before dinner (because by this point I was hungry!) and that would also mean that Bella could meet her baby brother.
I started feeling pressure and kept my nurse informed. I guess I was a little too calm about it or something. I told her when the pressure started and then when I could feel him moving into the birth canal more fully. I didn't feel the urgency to push, but knew that it meant he was close. She finally decided to check me and low and behold I was fully dilated and ready to go! She told me not to move and keep my legs closed because she needed to get my doctor down there! =) My doctor arrived shortly and we got to the business of pushing. After a couple of minutes of me complaining that I couldn't breathe (well I couldn't!) I started pushing. Altogether once the doctor arrived and I got down to business, it was less than 15 minutes of pushing. Giancarlo was born at 4:23pm.
So from 1:30 to 4pm I went from 3cms to fully dilated and ready to go. Talk about speedy! That was the labor I imagined I'd have- minus the 24 or so hours leading up to that! I suppose if I'd stayed home and followed the typical rules about when to go to the hospital, that is what I would have gotten. Who knows. Maybe if I have a third baby I'll give myself the opportunity to find out. I no longer feel like I missed out on an experience though. I'm pretty clear that I'm a fan of the epidural and see no reason to suffer through labor pains. It clearly didn't delay my labor at all! It would be nice to avoid the pitocin, but at least I got to experience the "it's time" water breaking moment! I also only had a first degree tear, which according to my doctor only happened because he corkscrewed himself out at the last moment.
There you go. Giancarlo's birth story. Not the story I'd imagined for myself, but as with any healthy baby- a happy ending. I'm still healing but in much better shape than the first time around. No narcotics needed, only ibuprofen. I was on my feet a few hours after birth without much trouble, and it only took that long due to the extra dose of epidural I had received so shortly before birth. Took awhile to regain full feeling of my legs!
We are all adjusting to our new life and recovering from the major event. Bella struggled quite a bit the first week, but that another story for another day. As of today things look good, and we are very happy. Our expanded little family of four.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
He's Here!
Welcome to the world Giancarlo Luca! Our little man arrived on Sunday October 14th at 4:23 pm. He weighed 9 lbs 3 oz and was 21.75 inches long. I always said I was going to have a 9-9.5 lb baby! As you may know, we struggled immensely with names and this was honestly not even a semi front runner until one week before he was born, but once I researched it, I discovered it was in fact the perfect name. One of the issues that I struggled with regarding his name was my desire to have a nod to my family included somewhere. The only name consistently found on both sides of my family are variations of John/Jack. I had considered Jack as a middle name, but Nick didn't love it. Well, Gian is the Italian spelling of John (and Jack is in fact a nickname for John). So there is my family tie. Meanwhile Nick wanted to pass down his middle name since it is a family name too. I didn't love it just like he didn't love Jack. Well that name is Charles, and Carlo is in fact the Italian version of Charles. So go figure, we both got what we wanted! The middle name just flowed with it, and I particularly liked the meaning- light. I still held out commitment until we saw him, just in case we gave birth to a blond baby (theoretically possible, though unlikely). Once our handsome dark haired, brown eyed boy was born, we knew it was perfect. We also have a sweet nickname that I love- Gio. I will post the full birth story separately.
We love you already!
We love you already!
Friday, October 12, 2012
39 weeks pregnancy questionnaire
How far along? 39 weeks
How big is baby? 19-22 in, 7.5 lbs- by my app on my phone, but probably more like 8.5 lbs!
Total weight gain/loss: I have gained one pound. =)
Maternity clothes? Yes
Sleep: Very difficult. Waking regularly between needing to pee, contracting, switching sides... I'm lucky to get a solid hour these days.
Best moment this week: After yet another meltdown due to the universe telling me it is not yet time to have this baby, my sister showed up for me and called her acupuncturist to get me an appointment asap. It definitely had me contracting, so we will see if it works!
Movement: Very active though running out of room
Food cravings: None
Food Aversions: none
Gender: All boy
Labor Signs: Tons of contractions, some real, some "practice, dilated to nearly 3 cms!
Pregnancy Symptoms: All of the old standards still apply.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: my sanity.
What I am looking forward to: meeting our little man one way or another sometime this week.
Upcoming appointments/events: I go back to the OB on Monday if I haven't gone into labor by then. We will schedule the induction at that time.
Weekly Wisdom: You have no control. Accept that now.
Milestones: no real milestones this week...
Bump Picture: 39 weeks This will be the last picture no matter what since my induction will be scheduled on or before my due date. As big as I'm gonna get!
How big is baby? 19-22 in, 7.5 lbs- by my app on my phone, but probably more like 8.5 lbs!
Total weight gain/loss: I have gained one pound. =)
Maternity clothes? Yes
Sleep: Very difficult. Waking regularly between needing to pee, contracting, switching sides... I'm lucky to get a solid hour these days.
Best moment this week: After yet another meltdown due to the universe telling me it is not yet time to have this baby, my sister showed up for me and called her acupuncturist to get me an appointment asap. It definitely had me contracting, so we will see if it works!
Movement: Very active though running out of room
Food cravings: None
Food Aversions: none
Gender: All boy
Labor Signs: Tons of contractions, some real, some "practice, dilated to nearly 3 cms!
Pregnancy Symptoms: All of the old standards still apply.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: my sanity.
What I am looking forward to: meeting our little man one way or another sometime this week.
Upcoming appointments/events: I go back to the OB on Monday if I haven't gone into labor by then. We will schedule the induction at that time.
Weekly Wisdom: You have no control. Accept that now.
Milestones: no real milestones this week...
Bump Picture: 39 weeks This will be the last picture no matter what since my induction will be scheduled on or before my due date. As big as I'm gonna get!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Sometimes the universe has other plans...
I woke up this morning feeling rather frustrated as I get closer and closer to having to schedule my induction. So to take charge I decided to call my doctors office and head down to have my membranes stripped between my weekly appointments. I thought if it didn't get things going on its own, that coupled with doing it again on Friday, surely I'd been in labor by the end of the weekend.
I got to my doctors office, checked in and settled in to wait for my appointment. As I sat there I started to smell gas. Natural gas, the type you'd smell from your gas stovetop if it didn't light properly. I stood up to ask the ladies at the front if they smelled it too and heard them talking about it. All of us smelled it and it had come on quite suddenly. We all started to go outside (maybe it would be better?) while the office manager called the fire department. She came out and indicated we all needed to evacuate fully. And so, I was not seen. No taking charge, no forging ahead. Just more sitting and waiting.
I am still scheduled for Friday but will also be scheduling my induction date on Friday. I was really really hoping to avoid even scheduling induction, let alone having one. I'm not sure at what point during the week we will schedule the induction, and clearly we still have some time but I'm feeling the pressure and a bit disappointed that I'm even at this point. Today was just one more blow.
So send me baby having juju! If he was born any time tomorrow his birthday would be 10-11-12. How cute would that be?!?! Come on baby boy- it is time!!!
I got to my doctors office, checked in and settled in to wait for my appointment. As I sat there I started to smell gas. Natural gas, the type you'd smell from your gas stovetop if it didn't light properly. I stood up to ask the ladies at the front if they smelled it too and heard them talking about it. All of us smelled it and it had come on quite suddenly. We all started to go outside (maybe it would be better?) while the office manager called the fire department. She came out and indicated we all needed to evacuate fully. And so, I was not seen. No taking charge, no forging ahead. Just more sitting and waiting.
I am still scheduled for Friday but will also be scheduling my induction date on Friday. I was really really hoping to avoid even scheduling induction, let alone having one. I'm not sure at what point during the week we will schedule the induction, and clearly we still have some time but I'm feeling the pressure and a bit disappointed that I'm even at this point. Today was just one more blow.
So send me baby having juju! If he was born any time tomorrow his birthday would be 10-11-12. How cute would that be?!?! Come on baby boy- it is time!!!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
The waiting game
I'm trying very hard these days to not "just wait" for our little man to make his appearance. Admittedly however, I am getting grumpier and grumpier each day that he doesn't decide to join us. I've decided it is primarily due to the fact that I am yet again facing down the barrel of the induction gun. If he doesn't come on his own first, I will be scheduled for induction some time next week. I really really want to avoid that. I just believe whole heartedly that if my body gets to do it the old fashioned way, that it will be a quick process. I've been contracting like crazy for two weeks now. And I'm not just talking about the contractions that I've been having for months. These ones are different. I've decided I'm in prodromal labor, which is a fancy word for "your body is laboring and getting things going, but not kicking into active labor and just means you get to be uncomfortable on and off until this baby decides its time to come." Yeah, awesome. Maybe there is something to be said for induction. True I had a 45 hour induction and that felt like forever, but it might be better than contracting on and off for weeks. At least I didn't feel desperate to get Bella out of me like I feel this time. Other than just wanting to avoid induction, I was okay. I could rest when I wanted, do what I wanted, and wasn't horribly horribly uncomfortable. Well I was in more constant pain ironically.
So anyhow, there's my (sadly disgruntled) update. No news. I go to bed every night hoping my water will break, only to wake up in the morning disappointed that I have another day in front of me that I have to figure out what to do with. Poor Bella deserves a mommy who can do more than put on another cartoon. I'm trying, but it is exhausting. Mommies deserve maternity leave too you know. =) Here's hoping I'll have some different news soon!
So anyhow, there's my (sadly disgruntled) update. No news. I go to bed every night hoping my water will break, only to wake up in the morning disappointed that I have another day in front of me that I have to figure out what to do with. Poor Bella deserves a mommy who can do more than put on another cartoon. I'm trying, but it is exhausting. Mommies deserve maternity leave too you know. =) Here's hoping I'll have some different news soon!
Friday, October 5, 2012
38 weeks Pregnancy Questionnaire
How far along? 38 weeks
How big is baby? 19-22 in, not quite 7 lbs- by my app on my phone, but probably more like 7 lbs 10 oz!
Total weight gain/loss: Still about prepregnancy weight
Maternity clothes? Yes
Sleep: It is getting harder for sure. I'm hurting more again and it is really hard to flip from side to side to alleviate the pressure. I'm also waking around 5:30am each morning and struggling to go back to sleep for 1-2 hours. Brutal!
Best moment this week: Had a solid conversation with Nick about names (just tonight!) and think we have some strong contenders going in to game time. I think we both feel much more comfortable than we did before.
Movement: Still pretty active. It was tough to keep him on the monitor at this week's NST.
Food cravings: None
Food Aversions: none
Gender: All boy
Labor Signs: Tons of contractions, some even felt "real". A little more progress made but wavering between hopeful that labor is imminent and thinking I'm still facing induction in about a week and a half...
Pregnancy Symptoms: All of the old standards still apply.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Not spending each night contracting to distraction and wondering if maybe, just maybe, my water will break in the middle of the night only to wake up semi disappointed that it has not.
What I am looking forward to: meeting our little boy (hopefully soon!) and maybe getting a little bit of "me" back.
Upcoming appointments/events: NST on Tuesday and OB on Friday. Fingers crossed that I do not make either of these appointments.
Weekly Wisdom: Expectations often lead to disappointment. Try to let go.
Milestones: no real milestones this week...
Bump Picture: 38 weeks
How big is baby? 19-22 in, not quite 7 lbs- by my app on my phone, but probably more like 7 lbs 10 oz!
Total weight gain/loss: Still about prepregnancy weight
Maternity clothes? Yes
Sleep: It is getting harder for sure. I'm hurting more again and it is really hard to flip from side to side to alleviate the pressure. I'm also waking around 5:30am each morning and struggling to go back to sleep for 1-2 hours. Brutal!
Best moment this week: Had a solid conversation with Nick about names (just tonight!) and think we have some strong contenders going in to game time. I think we both feel much more comfortable than we did before.
Movement: Still pretty active. It was tough to keep him on the monitor at this week's NST.
Food cravings: None
Food Aversions: none
Gender: All boy
Labor Signs: Tons of contractions, some even felt "real". A little more progress made but wavering between hopeful that labor is imminent and thinking I'm still facing induction in about a week and a half...
Pregnancy Symptoms: All of the old standards still apply.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Not spending each night contracting to distraction and wondering if maybe, just maybe, my water will break in the middle of the night only to wake up semi disappointed that it has not.
What I am looking forward to: meeting our little boy (hopefully soon!) and maybe getting a little bit of "me" back.
Upcoming appointments/events: NST on Tuesday and OB on Friday. Fingers crossed that I do not make either of these appointments.
Weekly Wisdom: Expectations often lead to disappointment. Try to let go.
Milestones: no real milestones this week...
Bump Picture: 38 weeks
Friday, September 28, 2012
37 weeks pregnancy questionnaire
How far along? 37 weeks
How big is baby? 19-22 in, 6.5 lbs- by my app on my phone, but probably more like 7 lbs 3 oz!
Total weight gain/loss: Hovering around my prepregnancy weight
Maternity clothes? Yes
Sleep: Every night is different. Its getting a little harder again.
Best moment this week: Finding out I've begun making progress! 50% effaced, fingertip dilated and baby is a -1 station (nearly engaged!)
Movement: Although still very active and strong, seems to be slowing down a touch. Hoping this means labor is soon!
Food cravings: None
Food Aversions: none
Gender: All boy
Labor Signs: contractions (some have even been intense or painful) and some cervical progress!
Pregnancy Symptoms: All of the old standards still apply.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Just the freedom to do what I'd like without my body limiting me.
What I am looking forward to: The possibility of going in to labor the old fashioned way!
Upcoming appointments/events: Non-stress test on Monday and my next OB appt on Friday. Doesn't seem like I will have any other extra appointments until this kid comes!
Weekly Wisdom: Trust your body. It can do what it needs to, and muscle memory is (hopefully) very real!
Milestones: Progress!!! Oh and my strep B test came back negative too, so that's good news!
Bump Picture: 37 weeks- starting to look a little puffy! Here's hoping that means I'm close to done!
How big is baby? 19-22 in, 6.5 lbs- by my app on my phone, but probably more like 7 lbs 3 oz!
Total weight gain/loss: Hovering around my prepregnancy weight
Maternity clothes? Yes
Sleep: Every night is different. Its getting a little harder again.
Best moment this week: Finding out I've begun making progress! 50% effaced, fingertip dilated and baby is a -1 station (nearly engaged!)
Movement: Although still very active and strong, seems to be slowing down a touch. Hoping this means labor is soon!
Food cravings: None
Food Aversions: none
Gender: All boy
Labor Signs: contractions (some have even been intense or painful) and some cervical progress!
Pregnancy Symptoms: All of the old standards still apply.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Just the freedom to do what I'd like without my body limiting me.
What I am looking forward to: The possibility of going in to labor the old fashioned way!
Upcoming appointments/events: Non-stress test on Monday and my next OB appt on Friday. Doesn't seem like I will have any other extra appointments until this kid comes!
Weekly Wisdom: Trust your body. It can do what it needs to, and muscle memory is (hopefully) very real!
Milestones: Progress!!! Oh and my strep B test came back negative too, so that's good news!
Bump Picture: 37 weeks- starting to look a little puffy! Here's hoping that means I'm close to done!
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
A day at the zoo!
Last year we joined the San Francisco Zoo as annual members. We decided not to renew this year simply because its a trek into the city with one child, and I can only imagine how it will be with two. Plus we are members to two other locations, and I feel like that is enough. I might renew another time, but we'll see.
Anyhow our membership is up at the end of this month and I wanted to make sure we made one last visit before then. Today was that day. Bella and I picked up my dad and headed on down to the SF zoo. It was a chilly day, typical of San Francisco on the water. But overall it was lovely day. We walked most of the zoo- the polar bears being the big winner today, and even rode the little puffer steam engine! Here are some pictures from our day!
Bella and Grandpa sitting on the train!
Bella getting ready for the train to go!
Not the best picture, but mommy and Bella right before the ride began!
Bella and grandpa sitting on the Grizzly statue!
Bella took one look at this statue and asked me to take her picture! How could I resist???
I mean come on- look at that face!
Bella was reading me this book. It went "Once upon a time! There was a tiger named Aga..." and some variations on the theme. =)
Anyhow our membership is up at the end of this month and I wanted to make sure we made one last visit before then. Today was that day. Bella and I picked up my dad and headed on down to the SF zoo. It was a chilly day, typical of San Francisco on the water. But overall it was lovely day. We walked most of the zoo- the polar bears being the big winner today, and even rode the little puffer steam engine! Here are some pictures from our day!
Friday, September 21, 2012
36 week questionnaire
How far along? 36 weeks
How big is baby? 19-22 in, 6 lbs- by my app on my phone, but 6 lbs 12 oz by today's ultrasound!
Total weight gain/loss: Pretty consistently showing prepregnancy weight, within a couple of pounds. Today's OB appointment showed no change from two weeks ago though!
Maternity clothes? Yes
Sleep: Not terrible considering. I have to drink an entire glass of water (sometimes more) right before bed, so up once or twice to pee seems like a victory to me!
Best moment this week: The sprinkle two weeks ago was for sure a highlight, still need to post about it (though am waiting on pictures to share since none were on a camera I own!), and working out my medical appointments business over the last couple of weeks were a highlight!
Movement: He is very active and strong. Seems mellow at the same time though. Not sure how to explain it. I feel like Bella was much more of a stinker in utero than little boy is but he is for sure stronger!
Food cravings: None
Food Aversions: none
Gender: All boy
Labor Signs: contractions (felt by me and measured on the monitors)
Pregnancy Symptoms: All of the old standards still apply.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Not contracting with every little effort, not groaning for most movements... Oh I've officially had to give up shoes that tie!
What I am looking forward to: Hitting full term and hopefully going in to labor!
Upcoming appointments/events: Life has settled down a teeny bit. I have weekly OB appointments now, and weekly non-stress tests. I tack on other appointments as needed (endocrinologist, counseling, ultrasounds, etc) but it is much more manageable than it felt even a month ago!
Weekly Wisdom: Not taking "no" for an answer can serve you, but leaving your emotions out of it (if possible) will help immensely.
Milestones: Had my first "weekly" OB appointment and met the new OB at my doctors office!
Bump Picture: This will become a weekly post until baby boy decides it is time to arrive! Pictures and all!
How big is baby? 19-22 in, 6 lbs- by my app on my phone, but 6 lbs 12 oz by today's ultrasound!
Total weight gain/loss: Pretty consistently showing prepregnancy weight, within a couple of pounds. Today's OB appointment showed no change from two weeks ago though!
Maternity clothes? Yes
Sleep: Not terrible considering. I have to drink an entire glass of water (sometimes more) right before bed, so up once or twice to pee seems like a victory to me!
Best moment this week: The sprinkle two weeks ago was for sure a highlight, still need to post about it (though am waiting on pictures to share since none were on a camera I own!), and working out my medical appointments business over the last couple of weeks were a highlight!
Movement: He is very active and strong. Seems mellow at the same time though. Not sure how to explain it. I feel like Bella was much more of a stinker in utero than little boy is but he is for sure stronger!
Food cravings: None
Food Aversions: none
Gender: All boy
Labor Signs: contractions (felt by me and measured on the monitors)
Pregnancy Symptoms: All of the old standards still apply.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Not contracting with every little effort, not groaning for most movements... Oh I've officially had to give up shoes that tie!
What I am looking forward to: Hitting full term and hopefully going in to labor!
Upcoming appointments/events: Life has settled down a teeny bit. I have weekly OB appointments now, and weekly non-stress tests. I tack on other appointments as needed (endocrinologist, counseling, ultrasounds, etc) but it is much more manageable than it felt even a month ago!
Weekly Wisdom: Not taking "no" for an answer can serve you, but leaving your emotions out of it (if possible) will help immensely.
Milestones: Had my first "weekly" OB appointment and met the new OB at my doctors office!
Bump Picture: This will become a weekly post until baby boy decides it is time to arrive! Pictures and all!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
The Nursery!
Okay, it's been long enough! I finally got the nursery to an acceptable showing state today. The pictures aren't great, but they show enough. I'm still not 100% satisfied with the overall feel. I'm feeling the need for something to soften it up a little- maybe a mobile, or something to hang. But I think it is really nice and sweet while still being boyish. So here you go! =)
The view from the doorway. The bench with cube storage will be getting two blue cubes for each end and the brown will stay in the middle. The rug game from Overstock, and the curtains are navy blue blackout curtains from Target. I plan to get a different laundry basket too but this works for now. The bouncy seat won't stay in the bedroom but it is being stored there for now!
The crib is the Kalani crib from Davinci (Million Dollar Baby), the dresser is my old one from Brother's furniture in San Rafael, and the changing table is a custom dresser from Brother's furniture in San Rafael (new). On top of the dresser is baby boy's twilight turtle (by Cloud B), a dodger bobble head, a dodger blue ducky, and two of Nick's baseball trophies from high school. The quilt is the Alligator Madras by Pottery Barn Kids. In the crib you can see "casey at bat" stuffed doll, and there is also a chatter monkey (by Cloud B) which makes white noise, a dinosaur and superman stuffed figures too. Sorry I didn't get a picture of those!
The "bookshelves" are spice racks from Ikea. This was one of those "brilliant" pinterest ideas I came across. I painted them with leftover white paint from the room so they match perfectly. Unfortunately this is a "you get what you pay for" moment... They were very difficult to hang, and upon closer inspection are FAR from even. But it looks cute! =) Since little boy doesn't have quite the library his sister has (and they can share books) I found some room for a couple of Nick's smaller baseball trophies. I thought it turned out super cute.
This is called "Pirates Alley" by Ron Picou, which is a spot in the French Quarter, New Orleans. It hangs above the dresser. I love the image and it goes with my semi nautical feel.
This is a print by Claude Monet. Sorry that I don't remember the name, but it is from the Monet in Normandy series. This hangs above the changing table.
I found this canvas print at Target and couldn't resist as a nod for my husband. I didn't want to go full out on the baseball theme, but since it is Nick's passion it was important to me that I included it a little here and there. This print was a nice way to do that. It hangs above the crib.
I found this switch plate at Home Depot and really loved it. It reminds me of an island in Italy somewhere and felt so sweet for the room. Nick's great grandfather immigrated to the United States from Ischia, which is the sister island to Capris in Italy. He was a crab and salmon fisherman here in the bay area. This image reminds me of Ischia very much, and felt like a nice nod to our heritage.
Some other details that I haven't mentioned... The paint color is Grey Owl by Ben Moore, with "simply white" on the ceiling and doors and trim (also by Ben Moore). I really loved the outcome, though was fascinated at how much it picked up the blue as soon as the curtains were hung and the carpet was laid. This grey is a beautiful neutral grey if you are looking for something like that. It is a cool grey that will pick up any colors you put near it. If you had more browns in the room it would look warmer I believe. I had so much blue there was just no way to avoid that.
I added three family photos above the crib, which I intend to add to with some newborn shots once little boy arrives. I love how we have the Golden Gate Bridge and the bay in all three of the shots because it really goes along with the nautical vibe of the room. Even for boys, I think it is important to keep family in our minds which is why I decided to put the pictures up. I'll be interested to see how long they stay on his walls though as he grows up! =) There is also a print from my "sprinkle" which is a thumbprint family tree. Everyone (okay well many people) at the sprinkle put a thumbprint on the tree to make up the leaves. It is very sweet. There is another print of a little boy playing with baseball figurines above the bookshelves. It is a sweet picture, and softer compared to the darker more grown up images I have up, which I haven't made my mind up about. I've also been working on a custom print that says "Oh! The places you will go!" with some sort of image. I've done two iterations of this concept and have yet to be satisfied with the result. I may abandon the idea but really love the concept. So we will see. =)
There you go! The nursery in its entirety. I'd love to hear what you think!
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Feeling blessed and checking in
I feel like I've been lagging in the blogging department for real. I know, shocking considering I'm 9 months pregnant and still chasing my two year old! Ha ha... But I felt like I needed to post something. I will officially hit the 9 month (by weeks) marker this Friday. I will be 36 weeks... So crazy! Hard to believe this little boy will be here "any day" so to speak. I've nearly finished the nursery (how long have I been saying that!?!?). A couple more little projects and I should be good. I promise to share once its done. There's just so much "storage" going on in the room still that I don't even want to take pictures yet. Too much chaos for me. But I made great progress today. =)
Isabella charms me more every single day. She is just such an amazing person. We went apple picking yesterday which was great fun. I love watching her discover her world. Sure, she is two, and certainly acts it frequently. But I am able to keep in mind her developmental need to seek (and push) her boundaries, and establish her own individual identity. Well, usually. She is ultimately a joy to be around though, constantly amazing me with how funny, kind, loving, and smart she is. I am truly blessed to have this little person in my life. To call her my daughter, exceeds all possible expectations.
I'll have a new pregnancy questionnaire sometime this weekend with a new bump picture. I anticipate big differences from my last shot as I feel HUGE! Did I mention that this little (hahaha) boy is already over 6.5 lbs according to the last ultrasound!? Ultrasounds can be off (way off) but since I've always anticipated a large baby, I'm thinking it is pretty spot on. Just makes me hope that much more that he comes a little early, not only so that we get to do this the "old fashioned" way (no induction) but also so he isn't 10 lbs or bigger!
I'll leave you a picture with my angel girl, just because she makes my heart so very happy.
Isabella charms me more every single day. She is just such an amazing person. We went apple picking yesterday which was great fun. I love watching her discover her world. Sure, she is two, and certainly acts it frequently. But I am able to keep in mind her developmental need to seek (and push) her boundaries, and establish her own individual identity. Well, usually. She is ultimately a joy to be around though, constantly amazing me with how funny, kind, loving, and smart she is. I am truly blessed to have this little person in my life. To call her my daughter, exceeds all possible expectations.
I'll have a new pregnancy questionnaire sometime this weekend with a new bump picture. I anticipate big differences from my last shot as I feel HUGE! Did I mention that this little (hahaha) boy is already over 6.5 lbs according to the last ultrasound!? Ultrasounds can be off (way off) but since I've always anticipated a large baby, I'm thinking it is pretty spot on. Just makes me hope that much more that he comes a little early, not only so that we get to do this the "old fashioned" way (no induction) but also so he isn't 10 lbs or bigger!
I'll leave you a picture with my angel girl, just because she makes my heart so very happy.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
A New Blog
I know, I'm slightly crazy... But Pinterest has inspired me to start another blog. I will start posting various things about food (mostly what I make) and parties and other crafty type things. This will still be my primary blog for all things about our family and me and our babies, but now if you are interested in food and crafts you can see it here:
http://foodiefestivities.blogspot.com/
Mangia bene!
http://foodiefestivities.blogspot.com/
Mangia bene!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Deep breath
I'm going to blame hormones, well, because I can. But it seems that my emotional state is getting worse not better. I'm doing the right things, going to counseling, talking to the people around me, seeking support, but I'm finding that I'm in a constant state of low-level anxiety with limited coping skills as a result. I'm trying, and hopefully once this whole non-stress test insurance situation has fully shaken out (nearly there!) it will improve, but some of it I am just trying to take in stride.
Okay, so what is going on? Well the first realization that I had is that I'm feeling very much as though this is the beginning of the cancer saga. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe that I am going to get cancer again, but my emotional and medical journey began at the end of my pregnancy with Bella. I have an emotional through line from the end of my pregnancy, into delivery, through breastfeeding, and straight into cancer. It isn't rational exactly, but understandable. After explaining that to Nick, he agreed and said that he actually felt the same way. So we both feel a little bit like we are holding our breath to be sure it isn't going to happen again. I at least enjoyed a little validation in Nick feeling the same way, and that it wasn't just me being crazy. =)
On top of that, I've been dealing with this nonsense with testing and my insurance blahdy blah blah blah. I've found an OB's office in the next town north (different county, but same drive as the hospital I'm currently being referred to), that does non-stress tests in their office. This means I will have no co-pay, or a standard office visit ($20). I can handle that. =) They have said I can go there, it is in network for my insurance, and doesn't require anything additional on my part (from what I can tell). Sadly, after a horrible phone call from one of the doctors in my OB's office that I have yet to deal with, I received another phone call from them after I called with this news. Their only response to me was that if the doctor saw anything wrong that they would send me to a different hospital to have my baby (the one closer to them), and if I was okay with that then I could go there. I do understand that if there was an emergency situation I would need to go to the nearest hospital and in theory that means my OBs office would not be able to be there for delivery. However, most likely anything they see on a NST would not be "emergency" and I would have time to drive down to my hospital. The only reason I mention this is that it feels like my OBs office is not in my corner. I do not feel supported by them at all because I'm not just doing what they tell me to do in full compliance without questioning. It worries me about how my delivery will go. I'm going to have to deal with this face to face in my OBs office I think to make sure we are all still on the same page.
Finally I had a growth ultrasound today and it left me a little freaked out. Baby boy is measuring quite large, which isn't in itself surprising, though he jumped percentiles and that scares me a little. According to today's measurements he is trending towards 10 pounds at full term. Yikes. I know how hard it was to push out 8.5 pounds, so another pound and a half is quite intimidating. What left me more anxious however, is that the ratio of his head to his abdomen is trending the wrong way. It is still fine, but closer than it was at the last ultrasound and close in general. The radiology doctor said my OB might want me to go back for another scan. I hope she does. Essentially if the abdomen is larger than the head, you run the risk of shoulder dystocia or the baby getting stuck after the head is out. Not good for mommy or baby. Just don't want to even come close to that being an issue because I just don't trust that the doctors won't push for c-section.
And all of this is tied up in to crazy low lying stuff about guilt around my gestational diabetes, and not being able to do much anymore because I am tired and mentally/emotionally at capacity. I seriously don't know how people have had babies over and over throughout history. I admit, I feel a little bit like a failure because this is so dang hard.
Life is not all bad. We had an AMAZING time at my sprinkle this past weekend. I want to do it justice with its own post when I'm not grumpy and upset over unrelated things. I am so blessed to have such an amazing community of women in my life. I was not only sprinkled but spoiled this weekend. And little man has already got a wardrobe that rivals his sisters. =) So I will leave you on that note of positivity with a whole post to come on it. Five and a half weeks or less and little man will be here. Count down!
Okay, so what is going on? Well the first realization that I had is that I'm feeling very much as though this is the beginning of the cancer saga. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe that I am going to get cancer again, but my emotional and medical journey began at the end of my pregnancy with Bella. I have an emotional through line from the end of my pregnancy, into delivery, through breastfeeding, and straight into cancer. It isn't rational exactly, but understandable. After explaining that to Nick, he agreed and said that he actually felt the same way. So we both feel a little bit like we are holding our breath to be sure it isn't going to happen again. I at least enjoyed a little validation in Nick feeling the same way, and that it wasn't just me being crazy. =)
On top of that, I've been dealing with this nonsense with testing and my insurance blahdy blah blah blah. I've found an OB's office in the next town north (different county, but same drive as the hospital I'm currently being referred to), that does non-stress tests in their office. This means I will have no co-pay, or a standard office visit ($20). I can handle that. =) They have said I can go there, it is in network for my insurance, and doesn't require anything additional on my part (from what I can tell). Sadly, after a horrible phone call from one of the doctors in my OB's office that I have yet to deal with, I received another phone call from them after I called with this news. Their only response to me was that if the doctor saw anything wrong that they would send me to a different hospital to have my baby (the one closer to them), and if I was okay with that then I could go there. I do understand that if there was an emergency situation I would need to go to the nearest hospital and in theory that means my OBs office would not be able to be there for delivery. However, most likely anything they see on a NST would not be "emergency" and I would have time to drive down to my hospital. The only reason I mention this is that it feels like my OBs office is not in my corner. I do not feel supported by them at all because I'm not just doing what they tell me to do in full compliance without questioning. It worries me about how my delivery will go. I'm going to have to deal with this face to face in my OBs office I think to make sure we are all still on the same page.
Finally I had a growth ultrasound today and it left me a little freaked out. Baby boy is measuring quite large, which isn't in itself surprising, though he jumped percentiles and that scares me a little. According to today's measurements he is trending towards 10 pounds at full term. Yikes. I know how hard it was to push out 8.5 pounds, so another pound and a half is quite intimidating. What left me more anxious however, is that the ratio of his head to his abdomen is trending the wrong way. It is still fine, but closer than it was at the last ultrasound and close in general. The radiology doctor said my OB might want me to go back for another scan. I hope she does. Essentially if the abdomen is larger than the head, you run the risk of shoulder dystocia or the baby getting stuck after the head is out. Not good for mommy or baby. Just don't want to even come close to that being an issue because I just don't trust that the doctors won't push for c-section.
And all of this is tied up in to crazy low lying stuff about guilt around my gestational diabetes, and not being able to do much anymore because I am tired and mentally/emotionally at capacity. I seriously don't know how people have had babies over and over throughout history. I admit, I feel a little bit like a failure because this is so dang hard.
Life is not all bad. We had an AMAZING time at my sprinkle this past weekend. I want to do it justice with its own post when I'm not grumpy and upset over unrelated things. I am so blessed to have such an amazing community of women in my life. I was not only sprinkled but spoiled this weekend. And little man has already got a wardrobe that rivals his sisters. =) So I will leave you on that note of positivity with a whole post to come on it. Five and a half weeks or less and little man will be here. Count down!
Friday, September 7, 2012
34 weeks Questionnaire
Look! I'm doing this on time!!!
How far along? 34 weeks
How big is baby? 19-22 in, 4.9 lbs (by my app on my phone)
Total weight gain/loss: Back at prepregnancy weight it seems, though water weight can certainly vary quite a bit still.
Maternity clothes? Yes
Sleep: Still up every couple of hours to switch sides, but only once or twice to pee usually. Sleeping deeply aside from that though.
Best moment this week: Not much really happened this week to be honest. Tomorrow is baby boy's "sprinkle" though, which is exciting!
Movement: Still very strong and active. Last night I told Nick I felt like he wanted to break straight out of my belly, which I don't remember feeling so much with Isabella.
Food cravings: None
Food Aversions: none
Gender: All boy
Labor Signs: contractions
Pregnancy Symptoms: All of the old standards still apply.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Feeling semi-sane! =)
What I am looking forward to: The sprinkle tomorrow and the growth scan on Tuesday!
Upcoming appointments/events: still busy. Canceled my NST for today due to an insurance mess, and will likely cancel it for Tuesday as well, though I do need to have them, so I'm figuring out a solution for that. Growth scan on Tuesday... Two weeks till my next OB appt but then I'm on for weekly appointments... My endocrinologist is supposed to be every two weeks also, but their office is a mess so I will see them on Monday, and probably one last time before I deliver. I'm also continuing with counseling until the end since the mess of my emotions seems to be getting worse not better. I'll write a different post on that though.
Weekly Wisdom: Being an active and discretionary consumer, particularly of your medical and insurance needs, can be a huge pain, but is very important. It is much too easy to fall through the cracks.
Milestones: Started non-stress tests...
Bump Picture: Next post, and then I believe weekly till little boy arrives! =) Here's another sneak from our family session though.
How far along? 34 weeks
How big is baby? 19-22 in, 4.9 lbs (by my app on my phone)
Total weight gain/loss: Back at prepregnancy weight it seems, though water weight can certainly vary quite a bit still.
Maternity clothes? Yes
Sleep: Still up every couple of hours to switch sides, but only once or twice to pee usually. Sleeping deeply aside from that though.
Best moment this week: Not much really happened this week to be honest. Tomorrow is baby boy's "sprinkle" though, which is exciting!
Movement: Still very strong and active. Last night I told Nick I felt like he wanted to break straight out of my belly, which I don't remember feeling so much with Isabella.
Food cravings: None
Food Aversions: none
Gender: All boy
Labor Signs: contractions
Pregnancy Symptoms: All of the old standards still apply.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Feeling semi-sane! =)
What I am looking forward to: The sprinkle tomorrow and the growth scan on Tuesday!
Upcoming appointments/events: still busy. Canceled my NST for today due to an insurance mess, and will likely cancel it for Tuesday as well, though I do need to have them, so I'm figuring out a solution for that. Growth scan on Tuesday... Two weeks till my next OB appt but then I'm on for weekly appointments... My endocrinologist is supposed to be every two weeks also, but their office is a mess so I will see them on Monday, and probably one last time before I deliver. I'm also continuing with counseling until the end since the mess of my emotions seems to be getting worse not better. I'll write a different post on that though.
Weekly Wisdom: Being an active and discretionary consumer, particularly of your medical and insurance needs, can be a huge pain, but is very important. It is much too easy to fall through the cracks.
Milestones: Started non-stress tests...
Bump Picture: Next post, and then I believe weekly till little boy arrives! =) Here's another sneak from our family session though.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Navigating Bureaucracy... Again...
If you've been following me since cancer, you know that I've come up against the bureaucracy of the medical industry many, many times. I've won some, I've lost some. I'm at it again.
In a middle of the night panic attack, I realized that the non-stress tests I've started are being done at the hospital. The reason this matters is that for all outpatient "procedures" done at a hospital, I have a copayment of 20%. If these were done at a stand alone office, they would be covered at 100%. On Tuesday, I began making my calls to confirm that yes in fact these would be billed as outpatient, and asked what the actual cost will be. With the potential of up to 16 of these appointments, it is more than possible that I could actually meet my annual out of pocket maximum.
I'm not interested in talking about money here, it is more what I am dealing with from a bureaucratic standpoint. I have an HMO plan. The benefit of a plan like this is that you can generally plan for and expect your out of pocket expenses, and they are relatively minimal. I have no annual deductible, or crazy copayment percentages. The downside is that you are limited with which doctors you choose, and facilities are limited. It has served me well, even providing me with excellent doctors through out my cancer journey and now pregnancy. I've felt lucky and rarely missed my Kaiser team, despite the ease with which I could navigate that system.
Today, that has changed.
I am continuing to battle this latest in a crack in my coverage. The reality is that when you look at my coverage, the intention of the plan, including the copayment percentage, is to limit out of pocket expenses. I didn't even meet my out of pocket maximum in my year of cancer treatment (as a point of reference). All my doctors visits, crazy tests, chemotherapy, surgery and radiation, still did not add up to that amount. So to think that one simple, and relatively standard test for pregnancy would have me hit that, clearly strikes me (and everyone I've spoken to) as crazy. And also not the intention of the structure of the plan. Even outpatient surgery would cost the same as one of these appointments.
Why do I have to go to the hospital? It is apparently the only place in Marin County that handles this service. In my last pregnancy my OBs office handled it. You literally sit in a chair (or on a bed in the hospital), strapped to the fetal heart rate monitor, and contraction monitor, and wait for about 20 minutes. As long as baby moves, and has heart rate accelerations in accordance, you pass. That's all there is to it. They do also do an ultrasound to verify that the baby is still head down and to check your amniotic fluid levels. Not rocket science by medical terms. And yet, apparently no one else does it in their office.
On top of all of this, the primary doctor at my OBs office called me today in response to my inquiry regarding options to deal with this. I had offered a suggestion that actually would have been sufficient for their needs as well as my own, and was open to discussing other ideas. Her message was short, almost rude, and essentially punitive. The message was clear "no alternatives, you must do these, and by the way you need to deal with the blood sugar issues once your pregnancy is over". In other words, not only do you need to spend potentially thousands of dollars on tests because no one else can be bothered to offer them in office and we are unwilling to consider any other options for you, but this is all your fault anyhow so suck it up and get healthy.
Yeah- suffice it to say I am not in love with the medical world today. I'm not done with my fight yet. I plan to call everyone involved (insurance company, medical group, and hospital billing) to get someone to find the exception and how to make it happen since clearly this is not the intention of my insurance policy. I also intend to let the doctor know that the way she handled me was unacceptable. I was never saying I wouldn't do the right thing for the health of my baby, I was simply saying "work with me". She shouldn't speak to any patient that way, ever, but in light of my recent medical history, I feel that if anyone deserves some kid gloves, it is me.
I keep reminding myself that I have six weeks or less, and then this beautiful baby boy will be here and I can stop seeing all of these freaking doctors. All I know is that something has to change with this industry. I think the doctors and patients ultimately all want the same thing, but being caught in this crazy system no one is getting what they want and lots of people are getting lost in the process. Shameful really.
In a middle of the night panic attack, I realized that the non-stress tests I've started are being done at the hospital. The reason this matters is that for all outpatient "procedures" done at a hospital, I have a copayment of 20%. If these were done at a stand alone office, they would be covered at 100%. On Tuesday, I began making my calls to confirm that yes in fact these would be billed as outpatient, and asked what the actual cost will be. With the potential of up to 16 of these appointments, it is more than possible that I could actually meet my annual out of pocket maximum.
I'm not interested in talking about money here, it is more what I am dealing with from a bureaucratic standpoint. I have an HMO plan. The benefit of a plan like this is that you can generally plan for and expect your out of pocket expenses, and they are relatively minimal. I have no annual deductible, or crazy copayment percentages. The downside is that you are limited with which doctors you choose, and facilities are limited. It has served me well, even providing me with excellent doctors through out my cancer journey and now pregnancy. I've felt lucky and rarely missed my Kaiser team, despite the ease with which I could navigate that system.
Today, that has changed.
I am continuing to battle this latest in a crack in my coverage. The reality is that when you look at my coverage, the intention of the plan, including the copayment percentage, is to limit out of pocket expenses. I didn't even meet my out of pocket maximum in my year of cancer treatment (as a point of reference). All my doctors visits, crazy tests, chemotherapy, surgery and radiation, still did not add up to that amount. So to think that one simple, and relatively standard test for pregnancy would have me hit that, clearly strikes me (and everyone I've spoken to) as crazy. And also not the intention of the structure of the plan. Even outpatient surgery would cost the same as one of these appointments.
Why do I have to go to the hospital? It is apparently the only place in Marin County that handles this service. In my last pregnancy my OBs office handled it. You literally sit in a chair (or on a bed in the hospital), strapped to the fetal heart rate monitor, and contraction monitor, and wait for about 20 minutes. As long as baby moves, and has heart rate accelerations in accordance, you pass. That's all there is to it. They do also do an ultrasound to verify that the baby is still head down and to check your amniotic fluid levels. Not rocket science by medical terms. And yet, apparently no one else does it in their office.
On top of all of this, the primary doctor at my OBs office called me today in response to my inquiry regarding options to deal with this. I had offered a suggestion that actually would have been sufficient for their needs as well as my own, and was open to discussing other ideas. Her message was short, almost rude, and essentially punitive. The message was clear "no alternatives, you must do these, and by the way you need to deal with the blood sugar issues once your pregnancy is over". In other words, not only do you need to spend potentially thousands of dollars on tests because no one else can be bothered to offer them in office and we are unwilling to consider any other options for you, but this is all your fault anyhow so suck it up and get healthy.
Yeah- suffice it to say I am not in love with the medical world today. I'm not done with my fight yet. I plan to call everyone involved (insurance company, medical group, and hospital billing) to get someone to find the exception and how to make it happen since clearly this is not the intention of my insurance policy. I also intend to let the doctor know that the way she handled me was unacceptable. I was never saying I wouldn't do the right thing for the health of my baby, I was simply saying "work with me". She shouldn't speak to any patient that way, ever, but in light of my recent medical history, I feel that if anyone deserves some kid gloves, it is me.
I keep reminding myself that I have six weeks or less, and then this beautiful baby boy will be here and I can stop seeing all of these freaking doctors. All I know is that something has to change with this industry. I think the doctors and patients ultimately all want the same thing, but being caught in this crazy system no one is getting what they want and lots of people are getting lost in the process. Shameful really.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
32 Weeks Questionnaire
How far along? 32 (and a half) weeks
How big is baby? 19 in, 4.5 lbs (though again I'm sure he is bigger)
Total weight gain/loss: Starting to regain back to my starting weight... Chances are this is where I will start to see the slight gain happen.
Maternity clothes? Yes
Sleep: Varies each night but the reality is that I have to switch sides every hour or two at most or my body HURTS! My hips and knees and ribs in particular get pushed out on whatever side I'm lying on.
Best moment this week: Taking our family photos was the highlight of this week. Though last week we painted the nursery, and ordered or received every large item I needed for it which was HUGE. I'm semi sane again thanks to that!
Movement: He is a strong and busy little boy. Less patterned in his movements than Bella was (she was pretty predictable) but very active.
Food cravings: None
Food Aversions: none
Gender: All boy
Labor Signs: contractions
Pregnancy Symptoms: Tired, sore, easily worn out, contractions, and big! Oh and the acid reflux is starting to be a daily occurrence too. Gratefully still MUCH better than it was with Bella though!
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Not hurting most all the time.
What I am looking forward to: Our next growth scan to see how big this little man is getting. Hopefully still on track to be 82 percentile!
Upcoming appointments/events: oh my goodness I am BUSY! I am now doing non-stress tests twice a week, seeing my OB every two weeks and my endocrinologist every two weeks. I will up to weekly appointments with my OB at 36 weeks too but that's another month away! Feels like tomorrow though. All this and our next growth ultrasound is scheduled for September 11th. Oh yeah, I'm also doing some counseling for me every couple of weeks since I've recently discovered I'm sort of a mess... =)
Weekly Wisdom: Contractions do not equal labor and I can push through to a point. As long as I'm not in pain, which is a whole separate issue most days!
Milestones: taking a new set of family photos which included some lovely maternity shots!
Bump Picture: What a difference a month makes!
How big is baby? 19 in, 4.5 lbs (though again I'm sure he is bigger)
Total weight gain/loss: Starting to regain back to my starting weight... Chances are this is where I will start to see the slight gain happen.
Maternity clothes? Yes
Sleep: Varies each night but the reality is that I have to switch sides every hour or two at most or my body HURTS! My hips and knees and ribs in particular get pushed out on whatever side I'm lying on.
Best moment this week: Taking our family photos was the highlight of this week. Though last week we painted the nursery, and ordered or received every large item I needed for it which was HUGE. I'm semi sane again thanks to that!
Movement: He is a strong and busy little boy. Less patterned in his movements than Bella was (she was pretty predictable) but very active.
Food cravings: None
Food Aversions: none
Gender: All boy
Labor Signs: contractions
Pregnancy Symptoms: Tired, sore, easily worn out, contractions, and big! Oh and the acid reflux is starting to be a daily occurrence too. Gratefully still MUCH better than it was with Bella though!
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Not hurting most all the time.
What I am looking forward to: Our next growth scan to see how big this little man is getting. Hopefully still on track to be 82 percentile!
Upcoming appointments/events: oh my goodness I am BUSY! I am now doing non-stress tests twice a week, seeing my OB every two weeks and my endocrinologist every two weeks. I will up to weekly appointments with my OB at 36 weeks too but that's another month away! Feels like tomorrow though. All this and our next growth ultrasound is scheduled for September 11th. Oh yeah, I'm also doing some counseling for me every couple of weeks since I've recently discovered I'm sort of a mess... =)
Weekly Wisdom: Contractions do not equal labor and I can push through to a point. As long as I'm not in pain, which is a whole separate issue most days!
Milestones: taking a new set of family photos which included some lovely maternity shots!
Bump Picture: What a difference a month makes!
32 weeks vs 28 weeks
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Sisterhood vs Survivor
Today I stopped by an elementary school to try and help out one of Nick's coworkers who needed her child's class list. The kindergarten orientation was going on so there was a large group of parents out in the front of the office. I passed a woman who was a little older than myself, but still young. She was wearing a wig, very similar to the one I wore. As I passed her I thought about saying something. I decided not to, but it left an interesting impression on me.
When I was going through treatment, I still regularly attended our local farmers market when I felt up to it. One day, I passed a woman who casually said to me "oh, we have the same barber". It was a sweet way of saying "hey, I'm your sister in this." I had a few encounters similar to this one where someone took a moment to acknowledge the bond between us, and usually to give me a little hope that I too will get through it.
I've struggled over the last several months with the concept of being a "survivor". The word has never resonated with me. And yet I know that there is a part of me that needs a connection to what I've been through. Someone that I can look in the eyes and know "gets it". Somewhere to go when I'm struggling with some aspect of having been through it and how it has permanently changed my interior landscape. I joined a private group on facebook for young survivors. It does give me a little of what I need, but unfortunately also exposes me to the downside of "survivorship"- recurrence, metastatic disease, and death. These are all realities in the world of cancer. Ones that I really do not need regular reminders of.
So I continue to struggle with this concept of survivorship and how to both connect myself to those who "get it" and yet, get over and beyond it. It is a medical experience that I had and does not need to run my life from here on out. Just like having my appendix out, or any other medical experience someone may have. The deeper reaching elements have more to do with societal beliefs than reality in many ways.
Seeing this woman today though made me realize that I have joined a new sisterhood. A club like many others. When we adopted our dog Siena, I joined the dog owners club. When I had Isabella, I joined the mommy club. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I joined the (misnomer) "survivors" club. It is a worldwide network of people who have had a similar experience to me. It bonds us and connects us in ways that people who have not had that experience are not. And so with this new language, I seek to find a place in this sisterhood that serves me and others like me. I do not need to be called a survivor. I am a sister. In arms.
When I was going through treatment, I still regularly attended our local farmers market when I felt up to it. One day, I passed a woman who casually said to me "oh, we have the same barber". It was a sweet way of saying "hey, I'm your sister in this." I had a few encounters similar to this one where someone took a moment to acknowledge the bond between us, and usually to give me a little hope that I too will get through it.
I've struggled over the last several months with the concept of being a "survivor". The word has never resonated with me. And yet I know that there is a part of me that needs a connection to what I've been through. Someone that I can look in the eyes and know "gets it". Somewhere to go when I'm struggling with some aspect of having been through it and how it has permanently changed my interior landscape. I joined a private group on facebook for young survivors. It does give me a little of what I need, but unfortunately also exposes me to the downside of "survivorship"- recurrence, metastatic disease, and death. These are all realities in the world of cancer. Ones that I really do not need regular reminders of.
So I continue to struggle with this concept of survivorship and how to both connect myself to those who "get it" and yet, get over and beyond it. It is a medical experience that I had and does not need to run my life from here on out. Just like having my appendix out, or any other medical experience someone may have. The deeper reaching elements have more to do with societal beliefs than reality in many ways.
Seeing this woman today though made me realize that I have joined a new sisterhood. A club like many others. When we adopted our dog Siena, I joined the dog owners club. When I had Isabella, I joined the mommy club. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I joined the (misnomer) "survivors" club. It is a worldwide network of people who have had a similar experience to me. It bonds us and connects us in ways that people who have not had that experience are not. And so with this new language, I seek to find a place in this sisterhood that serves me and others like me. I do not need to be called a survivor. I am a sister. In arms.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Wow!
Talk about progress! Over the last two and a half days we have: painted the nursery, put together the crib, ordered the changing table, ordered the rug, purchased and installed a new light fixture, purchased and installed blackout curtains, and even made the bed (crib). I would say in another week or so I should be ready to post a full reveal of little boys nursery!!!
HUGE thanks to Nicks mom who painted her tushy off for three straight days and gifted us the crib. Another big thanks to Lindsay for joining the painting party and doing an outstanding job getting the color on the walls. Thanks to Nick for tolerating my crazy and pushing through for two straight weekends even when all he wants to do is relax. Thanks to my mom for helping with regular house maintenance and occupying Bella so we could get these things done.
I really can't wait to get the room done and share the results! I'm excited about it and so far it really looks like it is coming together!
HUGE thanks to Nicks mom who painted her tushy off for three straight days and gifted us the crib. Another big thanks to Lindsay for joining the painting party and doing an outstanding job getting the color on the walls. Thanks to Nick for tolerating my crazy and pushing through for two straight weekends even when all he wants to do is relax. Thanks to my mom for helping with regular house maintenance and occupying Bella so we could get these things done.
I really can't wait to get the room done and share the results! I'm excited about it and so far it really looks like it is coming together!
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Follies
This week has confronted me with some of my personal follies. We all have them. Some we are more aware of than others. Some cause real issues in our lives, other slight inconvenience or discomfort. Often they are those "issues" that come up time and time again in our lives. One of the ones that came up for me today is my increasing need to ask for help. Try as I may, I just can't do it all. In fact, every day, I can't even do most. As everything gets more and more difficult for me, I look back to my pregnancy with Bella. Of course, every pregnancy is different, but the clear difference here is having a child that I have to keep up with. I realized today though that by this point in my last pregnancy, the nursery was done and I had enjoyed both of my baby showers. I was sent to labor and delivery approximately three weeks from now for the first time. This is also when I had to slow down at work (or be forced off early by my doctors). I am five weeks away from going on maternity full time. I had to stop my exercise classes and was doing little other than relaxing and mentally preparing.
The question keeps going through my mind- how do people have multiple children and just keep going? This is a normal part of most people's lives so I just can't help but wonder- how do they do it? I will have Bella on my own from waking to sleep tomorrow and am seriously considering how to manage that. This shouldn't be a big deal, but I'm tired just thinking about it!
So this leads me to my folly. I struggled asking for help when I was going through treatment. I worked on it and I think came to an acceptable place. Now that I'm in "need" again, I just don't want to do it. Not unless there is a reason. I don't even want to talk to Nick about where I'm at and what that means in having him step up. Somehow I feel like it is unreasonable. He is going out to dinner tomorrow with the owner of his company and a new hire. This is a reasonable and important thing for him to do. I understand it. But it feels hard to me. That is an unreasonable response I know, but then the underlying feelings are not unreasonable. So how do I deal? How do I say "I'm so sorry but I need you home when you're not working your normal hours." Is that even fair? We will get through it of course. And just as I figured out how to care for a newborn the first time, I will figure out how to care for both my children as it comes. Not much I can do now other than stress about it, so I won't. Two more months!
The question keeps going through my mind- how do people have multiple children and just keep going? This is a normal part of most people's lives so I just can't help but wonder- how do they do it? I will have Bella on my own from waking to sleep tomorrow and am seriously considering how to manage that. This shouldn't be a big deal, but I'm tired just thinking about it!
So this leads me to my folly. I struggled asking for help when I was going through treatment. I worked on it and I think came to an acceptable place. Now that I'm in "need" again, I just don't want to do it. Not unless there is a reason. I don't even want to talk to Nick about where I'm at and what that means in having him step up. Somehow I feel like it is unreasonable. He is going out to dinner tomorrow with the owner of his company and a new hire. This is a reasonable and important thing for him to do. I understand it. But it feels hard to me. That is an unreasonable response I know, but then the underlying feelings are not unreasonable. So how do I deal? How do I say "I'm so sorry but I need you home when you're not working your normal hours." Is that even fair? We will get through it of course. And just as I figured out how to care for a newborn the first time, I will figure out how to care for both my children as it comes. Not much I can do now other than stress about it, so I won't. Two more months!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Progress!
This weekend thanks to much sweat equity from Nick and my mom, and babysitting from Nick's mom, we cleared out the nursery (woohoo!). I had a clear need since we have to paint, since my blinds are here and ready for installation. That certainly kicked me into high gear. After considering seven paint samples, and seriously considering adding an eighth, I have chosen a paint color. I have received some excellent, expert advice from a friend of Nick's mom who is a professional, high end, painter, and am going to go buy the necessary paints tomorrow. We also ordered the crib (a gift from Nick's mom). Wow- serious progress on little boy's room.
Then after I had a meltdown on Sunday (despite so much amazing progress on Saturday), Nick kicked in to gear and completed two of my projects- organizing and cleaning our linen closet, and organizing and sorting through Bella's mountain of toys. Fantastic!
Today, I decided that I could cross another item off my list and clean Bella's closet. I didn't actually think it was such a huge deal, mostly chaos on top of order. Turned into a three-ish hour project. Thank goodness my mom was home and happy to entertain Bella while I finished it. She found me in a pile on the floor and said if I got Bella dressed they would go for a walk. I gratefully accepted and two hours later re-emerged. I must say though, Bella's closet looks amazing now. I still need to go through her dresser drawers, but that actually isn't a big deal.
I'm feeling so good about the progress. Although there are still projects to finish, that might have been a good third of my list. At least it was some of the bigger projects (I think). Mostly it is the aftermath of finding homes for all of the stuff being removed from what was the office and now is the nursery. Some of my projects are in a holding pattern until I get the nursery painted and the furniture in place since I haven't completely decided on the final furniture returning to the nursery.
Anyhow I thought I would share since I've mostly been in a bit of a funk and struggling to just manage the day to day, let alone the big projects in front of me. It always feels good to make positive strides and have an energy shift! Lets hope I still feel this way in the morning! I'm pretty sure I will.
Then after I had a meltdown on Sunday (despite so much amazing progress on Saturday), Nick kicked in to gear and completed two of my projects- organizing and cleaning our linen closet, and organizing and sorting through Bella's mountain of toys. Fantastic!
Today, I decided that I could cross another item off my list and clean Bella's closet. I didn't actually think it was such a huge deal, mostly chaos on top of order. Turned into a three-ish hour project. Thank goodness my mom was home and happy to entertain Bella while I finished it. She found me in a pile on the floor and said if I got Bella dressed they would go for a walk. I gratefully accepted and two hours later re-emerged. I must say though, Bella's closet looks amazing now. I still need to go through her dresser drawers, but that actually isn't a big deal.
I'm feeling so good about the progress. Although there are still projects to finish, that might have been a good third of my list. At least it was some of the bigger projects (I think). Mostly it is the aftermath of finding homes for all of the stuff being removed from what was the office and now is the nursery. Some of my projects are in a holding pattern until I get the nursery painted and the furniture in place since I haven't completely decided on the final furniture returning to the nursery.
Anyhow I thought I would share since I've mostly been in a bit of a funk and struggling to just manage the day to day, let alone the big projects in front of me. It always feels good to make positive strides and have an energy shift! Lets hope I still feel this way in the morning! I'm pretty sure I will.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
30 weeks pregnancy questionnaire
How far along? 30 weeks
How big is baby? 18 inches, 3.2 lbs (according to my tracker, but we know he is already bigger than this...)
Total weight gain/loss: Holding steady a few pounds down from pre-pregnancy which means losing as baby grows!
Maternity clothes? Yes
Sleep: When I sleep, I sleep hard. Starting the random late pregnancy insomnia though. I woke up at 4:30 the other morning and could have started my day. Unfortunately I would have been ready to go back to sleep about the time Bella would have woken up!
Best moment this week: Clearing out the nursery and ordering the crib!
Movement: Very active, very strong. Seems to maybe be getting a little tight in there though because the movements are bigger but less these days. He isn't up in my ribs (yet) though so I'm assuming he'll still get a little more room at some point!
Food cravings: None
Food Aversions: none
Gender: All boy
Labor Signs: contractions
Pregnancy Symptoms: You name it, I've got it at this point. Well, for late term anyhow. Hormones are definitely kicking into high gear. Not sure if I'm nesting or just crazy, but kicking into high gear with getting the nursery and house in order. Everything is getting harder each day. I carried a light but awkward part of a desk down the hallway yesterday and managed to hurt myself. I went to the grocery store tonight and was beat (and contracting) by the time I got home.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Energy and physical capability to do just about anything with ease. And the freedom to focus my energy and attention on my daughter without ending up in a panic attack over everything else.
What I am looking forward to: Painting the nursery!
Upcoming appointments/events: prenatal and endocrinologist on Friday, "sprinkle" in a few weeks and our final growth ultrasound after that! Oh and our family photo shoot (final one as a family of three) is coming up too.
Weekly Wisdom: Deep breathing and a decent nights sleep can help put just about anything in perspective.
Milestones: ordering the crib
Bump Picture: next time!
How big is baby? 18 inches, 3.2 lbs (according to my tracker, but we know he is already bigger than this...)
Total weight gain/loss: Holding steady a few pounds down from pre-pregnancy which means losing as baby grows!
Maternity clothes? Yes
Sleep: When I sleep, I sleep hard. Starting the random late pregnancy insomnia though. I woke up at 4:30 the other morning and could have started my day. Unfortunately I would have been ready to go back to sleep about the time Bella would have woken up!
Best moment this week: Clearing out the nursery and ordering the crib!
Movement: Very active, very strong. Seems to maybe be getting a little tight in there though because the movements are bigger but less these days. He isn't up in my ribs (yet) though so I'm assuming he'll still get a little more room at some point!
Food cravings: None
Food Aversions: none
Gender: All boy
Labor Signs: contractions
Pregnancy Symptoms: You name it, I've got it at this point. Well, for late term anyhow. Hormones are definitely kicking into high gear. Not sure if I'm nesting or just crazy, but kicking into high gear with getting the nursery and house in order. Everything is getting harder each day. I carried a light but awkward part of a desk down the hallway yesterday and managed to hurt myself. I went to the grocery store tonight and was beat (and contracting) by the time I got home.
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Energy and physical capability to do just about anything with ease. And the freedom to focus my energy and attention on my daughter without ending up in a panic attack over everything else.
What I am looking forward to: Painting the nursery!
Upcoming appointments/events: prenatal and endocrinologist on Friday, "sprinkle" in a few weeks and our final growth ultrasound after that! Oh and our family photo shoot (final one as a family of three) is coming up too.
Weekly Wisdom: Deep breathing and a decent nights sleep can help put just about anything in perspective.
Milestones: ordering the crib
Bump Picture: next time!
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