Sisterhood vs Survivor

Today I stopped by an elementary school to try and help out one of Nick's coworkers who needed her child's class list.  The kindergarten orientation was going on so there was a large group of parents out in the front of the office.  I passed a woman who was a little older than myself, but still young.  She was wearing a wig, very similar to the one I wore.  As I passed her I thought about saying something.  I decided not to, but it left an interesting impression on me.

When I was going through treatment, I still regularly attended our local farmers market when I felt up to it.  One day, I passed a woman who casually said to me "oh, we have the same barber".  It was a sweet way of saying "hey, I'm your sister in this."  I had a few encounters similar to this one where someone took a moment to acknowledge the bond between us, and usually to give me a little hope that I too will get through it.

I've struggled over the last several months with the concept of being a "survivor".  The word has never resonated with me.  And yet I know that there is a part of me that needs a connection to what I've been through.  Someone that I can look in the eyes and know "gets it".  Somewhere to go when I'm struggling with some aspect of having been through it and how it has permanently changed my interior landscape.  I joined a private group on facebook for young survivors.  It does give me a little of what I need, but unfortunately also exposes me to the downside of "survivorship"- recurrence, metastatic disease, and death.  These are all realities in the world of cancer.  Ones that I really do not need regular reminders of.

So I continue to struggle with this concept of survivorship and how to both connect myself to those who "get it" and yet, get over and beyond it.  It is a medical experience that I had and does not need to run my life from here on out.  Just like having my appendix out, or any other medical experience someone may have.  The deeper reaching elements have more to do with societal beliefs than reality in many ways.

Seeing this woman today though made me realize that I have joined a new sisterhood.  A club like many others.  When we adopted our dog Siena, I joined the dog owners club.  When I had Isabella, I joined the mommy club.  When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I joined the (misnomer) "survivors" club.  It is a worldwide network of people who have had a similar experience to me.  It bonds us and connects us in ways that people who have not had that experience are not.  And so with this new language, I seek to find a place in this sisterhood that serves me and others like me.  I do not need to be called a survivor.  I am a sister.  In arms.