Follies

This week has confronted me with some of my personal follies.  We all have them.  Some we are more aware of than others.  Some cause real issues in our lives, other slight inconvenience or discomfort.  Often they are those "issues" that come up time and time again in our lives.  One of the ones that came up for me today is my increasing need to ask for help.  Try as I may, I just can't do it all.  In fact, every day, I can't even do most.  As everything gets more and more difficult for me, I look back to my pregnancy with Bella.  Of course, every pregnancy is different, but the clear difference here is having a child that I have to keep up with.  I realized today though that by this point in my last pregnancy, the nursery was done and I had enjoyed both of my baby showers.  I was sent to labor and delivery approximately three weeks from now for the first time.  This is also when I had to slow down at work (or be forced off early by my doctors).  I am five weeks away from going on maternity full time.  I had to stop my exercise classes and was doing little other than relaxing and mentally preparing.

The question keeps going through my mind- how do people have multiple children and just keep going?  This is a normal part of most people's lives so I just can't help but wonder- how do they do it?  I will have Bella on my own from waking to sleep tomorrow and am seriously considering how to manage that.  This shouldn't be a big deal, but I'm tired just thinking about it!

So this leads me to my folly.  I struggled asking for help when I was going through treatment.  I worked on it and I think came to an acceptable place.  Now that I'm in "need" again, I just don't want to do it.  Not unless there is a reason.  I don't even want to talk to Nick about where I'm at and what that means in having him step up.  Somehow I feel like it is unreasonable.  He is going out to dinner tomorrow with the owner of his company and a new hire.  This is a reasonable and important thing for him to do.  I understand it.  But it feels hard to me.  That is an unreasonable response I know, but then the underlying feelings are not unreasonable.  So how do I deal?  How do I say "I'm so sorry but I need you home when you're not working your normal hours."  Is that even fair?  We will get through it of course.  And just as I figured out how to care for a newborn the first time, I will figure out how to care for both my children as it comes.  Not much I can do now other than stress about it, so I won't.  Two more months!