Merry Christmas to All

Another year has come and gone.  As we look towards 2014 I wish you and yours love, happiness, laughter and health in this, and every year to come.

From our Beautiful Mess to yours...

 

Transformation

I'm increasingly realizing that 2014 is going to be a year of major transformation for me - whether I like it or not! :) As I ponder what I want out of the coming months, I struggle with what I have control over (me, or really, my attitude about things) and what I don't (everything else). I'm looking to transform my body (diet, exercise and surgery), my mind, spirit, and heart. I have no idea what it will look like, but I am more certain than I have ever been that in one years time I will look back from an entirely new place in life. I feel like a phoenix, having just burst into flames, ending life as I know it. I'm almost all ashes but from those ashes feel the stirring that will be my rebirth. I have no need to make any new years resolutions this year because I have no choice but to make changes. As I pace myself through the next few days, and our big Christmas celebration, I try to enjoy life as I've known it, for soon, I will be on the other side, walking a new and unfamiliar path. The frightening thing from this point is that I don't even know what that path entails. There isn't some big choice I'm about to make, just many little ones. I just know this is a turning point for the ship of my life. Only a few degrees and I have an entirely new destination.

My holiday bummer

I don't know if I even shared this here, but last month I had surgery. My expander from my mastectomy popped sometime this summer. I hoped to hold off on any further reconstruction until I could handle the big DIEP procedure. That requires 5 days in the hospital, and 6 weeks of recovery at home. So you can imagine how awesome that sounds with two small children. Anyhow with the popped expander I just couldn't take it and as it turned out the skin had started to retract anyhow. So I went in for an outpatient procedure to have my expander removed and an implant put in. Seemed easy, recovery seemed to be going well and I was on my way to more comfort. I did have a bleeding episode about a week later, but the surgeon checked me out and didn't seem concerned provided it stopped.

Fast forward to this past Monday. I thought I hurt myself in my recovery zone but didn't think much of it. Then I got the chills and a fever. It got progressively worse that night but I took some Nyquil thinking it was the flu my family has been passing around. I was laid up Tuesday with this "flu" but felt improved on Wednesday. I had my follow up scheduled with my surgeon and I was expecting a good report and to have my steri strips removed.

I spent the morning at my dads with the kids. Poor Gio stumbled and landed with his hand on the wood stove. Burned it straight up. We did everything we could but finally decided he needed to be checked by the pediatrician. They could see him 15 minutes after my appointment so my dad was taking the kids while I took myself into San Francisco. Nick met my dad so gratefully they were all together already. Gio is okay, though has blisters all over his palm. He will recover and has been in good spirits since he cried himself to sleep after the injury.

At the same time my mom was at the dentist dealing with an infected tooth. He managed to hit something and caused a hematoma leaving her face swollen. You know, because the tooth itself wasn't enough!

Meanwhile I see my doctor. He immediately notices my skin is red and warm to the touch. I really didn't notice that but hadn't really paid attention since Monday in my feverish state. I described my symptoms and we both quickly realized what was likely happening. He moved me to the procedure room, and confirmed I had a very bad internal infection. The external wound was mostly ok but just one corner told us what was going on. He wanted me in the OR as soon as possible. My odds of keeping the implant was 50/50 at best. Since this isn't my final plan for reconstruction, we decided to avoid a potential additional surgery and just take the implant out.

So last night, at about 6:30 I went back under the knife and had my implant removed. I'm back to not lifting my babies and preparing for the holidays from my bed or a chair. I'm on super antibiotics and have a drain in for at least a week. Gratefully physically I feel pretty good. Hopefully an easy recovery this time. I'm struggling with body image the most yet with this procedure. The skin will shrink up eventually but I've got some elephant man looking issues going on now. Definitely not very womanly. I'll need to get a prosthetic just to feel ok in clothes. I may have to avoid mirrors and eyes out of clothes. And remind myself this isn't the end of the road. Now I will be looking to do the DIEP procedure early next year. I'm guessing February but we have a ton to sort out before I can know.

My motto today is the universe has a plan and I just have to show up. I won't likely understand until I get to the other side of it all.

So there you go, the trifecta of holiday bummer.

Putting it out there

Dear Universe,

I am working on me.  Trying to find my way to the new and improved mommy version of Karey, while retaining some of the pre-mommy qualities I seem to have lost along the way.  And so, I am putting my desires out there in hopes that perhaps something will come along for me.

I am smart.  It is important for me to stretch my brain in ways that do not involve the Disney channel.  I want to feel like I am having an impact in a greater way than my own home.  And so, I think it is time for me to find my way back to work.  Here is what I desire.

I want to work outside of the home two days a week.

I want to work recruiting, advising, counseling people.  Account management would fit in that too.  I am excellent at speaking with people and connecting them with jobs, training, educational programs, or classes to help them move into the next place for their lives.

I have a master's in education.  I have experience in all of the things I listed above.  Most of my professional experience is in higher education and non-profit.

I like bringing people together.  I am constantly seeing ways to improve systems or move causes forward.

I am an excellent writer and editor, and although I do not want to do that exclusively (it can be awfully isolating) I do enjoy it as a part of my work.

I want to work in a company that truly understands the importance and power of a happy workforce.  You are no better than the people who work for you.  I want to work for a company, and a boss, who believes that deeply and shows it in their actions.  I require an environment that will support my love and obligation to my family, and trusts me to do that, and get my job done above expectations at the same time.  It must be more important that I do my job, than that I sit at my desk for certain hours.  Not to worry though, I want to be at that desk very much, as trying to sit at home and do my job with my kids just sounds like adding to my stress and chaos, not the diversity and interest of my life.

This is an intention setting.  If someone out there happens to read it, and has some brilliant idea to connect me with, even better.  Otherwise I will begin moving myself more practically to my end goal early next year.

I look forward to seeing where this intention brings me.  I seek wholeness of self, part career, part community, part family.  I have a great deal to give when I allow all parts of my self to shine.

Sincerely,
Karey