Some success!

I started taking my new medication on Saturday and am already seeing some improvement with my milk supply only 4 days later!  So I'm feeling pretty hopeful that maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to get back to feeding Isabella exclusively breast milk.  Just in time to start solids I suppose but oh well!  Even if that means I end up pumping more than she needs, I'll throw it in the freezer and she can benefit from breast milk for far longer than I expect to breastfeed!

I realize that I promised another entry with the fun and wonderful world of baby update but honestly it is difficult to simply get through the day most days.  Bella can be a little demanding and we are still working out our systems.  She needs her sleep (if she doesn't get two solid one hour naps- or longer- each day, she can be a real pill!) and lately in order to make that happen during the day, I have to hold her the entire time.  This leaves me rather incapacitated.  So we are working on being able to put her down a little more often.  She needs more floor time any how to build her strength and begin working on rolling over.

What else is going on?  Well she is very interactive these days.  She loves to play face games with you and can laugh for a very long time as long as you smile and make funny faces.  She has also just discovered her hands!  She love love loves to suck on her hands and fingers and has even started self soothing from time to time.

A couple of weeks ago Bella had taken to screaming every time we got in the car.  I think it was because she was really into faces and interacting with people at that point, so sticking her in the back seat with no one to talk to made her feel alone (which can be a little scary for a baby!).  I was starting to think I would never leave the house again when suddenly one day I had to get out of the house for an appointment and she was just inconsolable.  So I put her in the car seat and said "okay, well I guess you will be crying then!" and headed to the car.  The next thing I know she is happy as a clam sucking on her hands and hanging out in the back seat of the car.  Since then she has been mostly happy in the car, only crying when she is hungry or tired!

Her temperament continues to prove she is hot-headed like her daddy.  There are days when I just cannot figure out why she is crying, and let me tell you, she has got quite the set of lungs!  She can SCREAM like nobodies business.  You know how people say that newborns have the sweetest cry and you don't realize that it isn't so loud until they get older?  Well we are WAY past that phase!  I've had a few professionals experience my dear Bella's meltdowns and they all have this look of deep sympathy for me like they can't believe I am holding up so well in light of this child's screaming.  Makes me wonder if I'm missing something! =)

That is all I have for tonight.  It is late (as usual- the only time I can accomplish anything!) and I need to get myself to bed.  Bella is growing bigger and stronger and more beautiful by the day.  She is a wonderful little girl and I am really loving getting to know her each and every day.  Screaming and all... =)

Continuing the battle

I am continuing to fight the battle to breastfeed Isabella.  She continues to take about 10 ounces of formula each day (average).  I try my very best to pump every day (3-5 times per day is typical, in addition to breastfeeding 4-6 times each day).  I take all sorts of herbal supplements.  Now I am down to my final effort to get rid of the formula altogether.  I have ordered a pill called Domperidone, which supposedly will help my supply.

I have to admit, I feel like this whole baby thing is getting harder, not easier.  I realize that I was in complete euphoria in the beginning, but even in comparison to my first meltdown, I just feel like I am working harder and struggling more than I was before.  I no longer feel like I can breastfeed in public (which I did several times in the first couple of months).  Not because I am modest, but because breastfeeding is such a chore now.  I have to fight Isabella to keep her latched, and I am still using the nipple shield.  I play a game by using a pacifier to get her sucking and then do a quick switcheroo to get her onto the breast (shield).  It is as though she just forgets how to suck.  I really don't understand this.  Her ability to breastfeed has literally gotten worse!  I thought as babies grow older and bigger that they get better at breastfeeding.

This combined with the pumping has made me feel chained to my house, or guilty because I know my supply will suffer and I will have to work harder to get it back over the following days.  But I continue to fight because I hate how the formula works in her system.  I know that she is "fine" and if I asked my pediatrician about the things I see in her, he would tell me that she is "normal".  Yes it is true that it is "normal" for a formula fed baby, but that doesn't make it good.  I just inherently know that it is trash for her body.  In small quantities I don't mind it, but 10 oz a day is just too much.  Her whole system is out of whack.  Plus cold and flu season is rapidly approaching and I desperately want to give her the "goods" that breast milk offers to protect her over the winter months.

Meanwhile I think I am finally having my hormone crash, and starting to wonder if this might be early post-partum depression/anxiety.  I am definitely making mountains out of molehills and so anxious about everything that is going on.  Plus my hair is starting to fall out.  (I'm not going bald or anything, you grow more hair during pregnancy and then lose it after- all part of the hormone fun.)  I am meeting with my doctor tomorrow to figure this out.  This is after seeing my counselor on Monday and falling apart in his office.  I've cried every day for the past week (maybe more now???)...  Yeah, I think this is more than just normal crazy old me.

Well Isabella is waking up so I will save the good stuff for another post soon (I promise!).  I need to get her into bed (she has been sleeping in her swing).  I need to get myself into bed.  Nick offered to have me get a head start and I'm fighting with mild insomnia so I didn't go.  Not the brightest since I've been exhausted all week.  C'est la vie, right???

Off to bed!

Continued update...

In re-reading my post from yesterday I thought it would be good to write again about baby life as we know it.

Isabella is a wonderful little personality.  She is very social- loves to smile and laugh and coo at all sorts of people.  I wear her around the grocery store in the bjorn and she attracts people like nobodies business!  She is also a bit hot tempered, usually going from 0-60 in .2 seconds.  She amazes me continually, one second smiling and laughing away, the next second turning beet red and sweating from screaming so loud.  I work very hard to try and anticipate her needs so that we can avoid these screaming fits, but sometimes I swear that even when her need is presented to her (as opposed to coming from her own awareness) she gets just as upset if it isn't immediately taken care of.

This personality is a big part of what makes breastfeeding such a challenge.  Even with my supply up, I've determined that I need to have an over supply (in other words I need to be so full that I am literally spraying/leaking rapidly) to meet her impatient needs.  She requires such immediate satisfaction (should I be warned of things to come!?!) that it is frequently difficult to get her to do her "job" in order to get what she wants/needs from me.

So what else can I tell you about our life with baby Isabella?  Her growth amazes me every day.  First she started responding to the "stim" toy on her car seat that was red, black and white.  She would smile and laugh at it.  Then she started "playing" in her rock 'n play chair and loving the bug toys that hang on that.  She started out just looking at one and now she can sit in there for a good half an hour just playing away.  She kicks her feet and laughs at the bugs.  Now I can see her brain really working hard to figure out how to make the one bug "sing" to her.  She knows which bug makes the music and has accidentally grabbed it a couple of times, turning it on.  Tonight I watched her get mad because she couldn't make it happen again.  You can really see her brain at work- synapses firing away and connections building.  She also will fall asleep on her own sometimes (not having to be rocked or nursed to sleep).  She will even go to sleep in her swing now (which she didn't like at all when she was smaller).  Her favorite of all toys?  A simple mirror.  She absolutely loves looking at the pretty baby in the mirror who smiles back at her. =)

In many ways she is a very secure baby.  She will let other people hold her (provided she is in an acceptable mood to begin with), and will usually even smile and talk to them.  At the same time she seems to be having "mommy moments" where no one can get her to settle down except me.  I was starting to worry that she was entering a true mommy phase, but Nick has had some success settling her down even when I couldn't.  It was daunting though thinking about being the only one she wanted.  I didn't mind in the beginning (it was quite good for me actually) but now I'm starting to need just a little more space for me again.  A simple shower is still a luxury to have entirely alone.  I'm mostly quite happy spending my days with Isabella, but can definitely see that the ability to put her down while napping, or playing, so that I can feel even slightly productive is increasingly important for my mental health.  The fussiness is also starting to wear me down.  I wouldn't usually call her a fussy baby, but I'm starting to wonder if that is just because I have no real point of reference.  With that said I also usually blame it on the feeding situation.  Well that and her clear need for sleep!

That's another thing that's interesting about her.  She is a total sleeper.  She needs a lot of sleep each day or she can be a real terror.  A "normal" day (whatever that is) usually has us getting up in the morning around 10am.  She eats and then plays for a bit.  Then she usually naps from about 11 to about 1 (give or take).  Then she eats again, plays again, and is back to sleep around 2 until about 4 or 5.  Plays a little (or screams), eats some more and then naps again.  This time frame is more "cat napping" as it is more on and off in shorter spurts.  Then around 9:30 she eats and is usually down for the night by about 10 or so.  She typically sleeps until 4am, eats, goes back to sleep until about 7, eats again, and then we start all over around 10.  This is clearly not set in stone, but if she doesn't get at least two solid naps during the day (at least 1.5 hours, and that is short) then by 6pm she is screaming bloody murder.  This was no problem when she would sleep anywhere for hours at a time, but that is becoming less and less the case.  She will sleep anywhere as long as she is in my arms.  She usually will fall asleep in her car seat, but if we are out, generally will wake up within 10 minutes of being out of the car.  So that's one that we will have to figure out.  Once she is sleeping less and we can fix nap times a little more, at least I can manage a schedule with her.  The nice part is that she definitely has clear patterns from day to day.  On top of that, she has slept through the night (we're talking 8+ hours here) 3 times!  Twice in a row this past week actually.

So as much as breastfeeding has been an insane challenge for us, at least she is a great sleeper.  I guess we all have our challenges with our babies, and this is mine.  She is really a wonderful little girl though.  Her smile warms my heart and she can entertain me for hours when we play.  I think as she grows we will be great playmates.  I love to sing to her and will definitely teach her songs.  I am starting to use baby sign language too whenever I can remember so that we can communicate as early as she is ready (since she clearly has opinions already!).  Meanwhile I am reading The Female Brain and getting great insight into myself and also good reminders of what to prepare for as she grows.  It makes me grateful to be in the mommy phase of my brain development though!  Lots of oxytocin is coursing through my brain currently, keeping me happy despite sleep deprivation, frustration and anxiety over breastfeeding, and general anxiety and worry over the well-being of my baby.  Fascinating stuff!

A sweet sleeping baby- taken tonight!

The saga continues

Well we continue to work hard on our breastfeeding challenge.  My supply is up some, but still not where it needs to be (of course Isabella's needs continue to increase at the same time!).  Pumping after each nursing session (and of course any time she won't eat off of me or can't eat off of me) is a huge challenge.  I've had moderate success, but certainly not what I would call 100 percent.  So how did we get here?  Let's see, where do I begin...

As I mentioned my first session with the lactation consultant revealed to me that my supply was low and I needed to do a massive amount of work to get it up and still supplement Isabella to appropriately nourish her.  So then Isabella began getting bottles several times each day.  Well anyone can tell you that a baby who gets several bottles each day, particularly after breastfeeding from a mommy who isn't filling you up, will quickly discover that a bottle is the way to go.  My beautiful little girl is excellent at letting me know what she wants and let me tell you, if it wasn't a bottle, it wasn't happening.  She quickly began refusing to breastfeed- even with a nipple shield- altogether!  So we went back to the lactation consultant and ended up in tears because she was refusing so vehemently.  But with a supplemental nursing system in hand I was determined to get her back on track.  And I succeeded!  We were able to get her back nursing with the supplemental system to satiate her hunger quickly.  But the struggles continued.  At my next lactation appointment, she yet again refused to eat off me (though it was circumstantial this time, not due to the bottle issue) and the consultant noticed that perhaps her breathing was the issue.  She clearly struggles to breathe at times and it certainly could be a factor in her poor breastfeeding.

So we went to the pediatrician who diagnosed her with essentially extra soft cartilage in her trachea.  She will outgrow it but it will be a bummer until then.  Not very helpful, but good to know.

Now we just continue to battle.  We did see a cranial-sacral therapist who did an "adjustment" on Isabella, and turned her into a zen baby for the afternoon.  So I may try that again.  It also helped her latch (without the shield!) three times that week (twice the same day as the adjustment and once another day later in the week).

It is the hardest thing I've ever done.  But I know this is best for my baby and trust that we will get there.  I will try to update again soon (and not when I am desperately tired and ready for bed!).  I know that my experience could help someone avoid similar drama.  I keep telling my girlfriends of childbearing age and stage that they will benefit greatly from me having gone through this first.  I'll share those graphic details and am not afraid to look "bad" in the process.  This pregnancy and baby stuff is tough business!  Now I understand the tribal call! =)

Here's a newer picture of our beautiful girl.  She just keeps getting bigger every day!