32 Weeks Questionnaire

How far along? 32 (and a half) weeks

How big is baby? 19 in, 4.5 lbs (though again I'm sure he is bigger)

Total weight gain/loss: Starting to regain back to my starting weight... Chances are this is where I will start to see the slight gain happen.

Maternity clothes? Yes

Sleep: Varies each night but the reality is that I have to switch sides every hour or two at most or my body HURTS!  My hips and knees and ribs in particular get pushed out on whatever side I'm lying on.

Best moment this week: Taking our family photos was the highlight of this week.  Though last week we painted the nursery, and ordered or received every large item I needed for it which was HUGE.  I'm semi sane again thanks to that!

Movement: He is a strong and busy little boy.  Less patterned in his movements than Bella was (she was pretty predictable) but very active.

Food cravings: None

Food Aversions: none

Gender: All boy

Labor Signs: contractions

Pregnancy Symptoms:  Tired, sore, easily worn out, contractions, and big!  Oh and the acid reflux is starting to be a daily occurrence too.  Gratefully still MUCH better than it was with Bella though!

Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: Not hurting most all the time.

What I am looking forward to: Our next growth scan to see how big this little man is getting.  Hopefully still on track to be 82 percentile!

Upcoming appointments/events: oh my goodness I am BUSY!  I am now doing non-stress tests twice a week, seeing my OB every two weeks and my endocrinologist every two weeks.  I will up to weekly appointments with my OB at 36 weeks too but that's another month away! Feels like tomorrow though.  All this and our next growth ultrasound is scheduled for September 11th.  Oh yeah, I'm also doing some counseling for me every couple of weeks since I've recently discovered I'm sort of a mess... =)

Weekly Wisdom: Contractions do not equal labor and I can push through to a point.  As long as I'm not in pain, which is a whole separate issue most days!

Milestones: taking a new set of family photos which included some lovely maternity shots!

Bump Picture: What a difference a month makes!

32 weeks vs 28 weeks

Sisterhood vs Survivor

Today I stopped by an elementary school to try and help out one of Nick's coworkers who needed her child's class list.  The kindergarten orientation was going on so there was a large group of parents out in the front of the office.  I passed a woman who was a little older than myself, but still young.  She was wearing a wig, very similar to the one I wore.  As I passed her I thought about saying something.  I decided not to, but it left an interesting impression on me.

When I was going through treatment, I still regularly attended our local farmers market when I felt up to it.  One day, I passed a woman who casually said to me "oh, we have the same barber".  It was a sweet way of saying "hey, I'm your sister in this."  I had a few encounters similar to this one where someone took a moment to acknowledge the bond between us, and usually to give me a little hope that I too will get through it.

I've struggled over the last several months with the concept of being a "survivor".  The word has never resonated with me.  And yet I know that there is a part of me that needs a connection to what I've been through.  Someone that I can look in the eyes and know "gets it".  Somewhere to go when I'm struggling with some aspect of having been through it and how it has permanently changed my interior landscape.  I joined a private group on facebook for young survivors.  It does give me a little of what I need, but unfortunately also exposes me to the downside of "survivorship"- recurrence, metastatic disease, and death.  These are all realities in the world of cancer.  Ones that I really do not need regular reminders of.

So I continue to struggle with this concept of survivorship and how to both connect myself to those who "get it" and yet, get over and beyond it.  It is a medical experience that I had and does not need to run my life from here on out.  Just like having my appendix out, or any other medical experience someone may have.  The deeper reaching elements have more to do with societal beliefs than reality in many ways.

Seeing this woman today though made me realize that I have joined a new sisterhood.  A club like many others.  When we adopted our dog Siena, I joined the dog owners club.  When I had Isabella, I joined the mommy club.  When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I joined the (misnomer) "survivors" club.  It is a worldwide network of people who have had a similar experience to me.  It bonds us and connects us in ways that people who have not had that experience are not.  And so with this new language, I seek to find a place in this sisterhood that serves me and others like me.  I do not need to be called a survivor.  I am a sister.  In arms.

Wow!

Talk about progress! Over the last two and a half days we have: painted the nursery, put together the crib, ordered the changing table, ordered the rug, purchased and installed a new light fixture, purchased and installed blackout curtains, and even made the bed (crib). I would say in another week or so I should be ready to post a full reveal of little boys nursery!!!

HUGE thanks to Nicks mom who painted her tushy off for three straight days and gifted us the crib. Another big thanks to Lindsay for joining the painting party and doing an outstanding job getting the color on the walls. Thanks to Nick for tolerating my crazy and pushing through for two straight weekends even when all he wants to do is relax. Thanks to my mom for helping with regular house maintenance and occupying Bella so we could get these things done.

I really can't wait to get the room done and share the results! I'm excited about it and so far it really looks like it is coming together!

Follies

This week has confronted me with some of my personal follies.  We all have them.  Some we are more aware of than others.  Some cause real issues in our lives, other slight inconvenience or discomfort.  Often they are those "issues" that come up time and time again in our lives.  One of the ones that came up for me today is my increasing need to ask for help.  Try as I may, I just can't do it all.  In fact, every day, I can't even do most.  As everything gets more and more difficult for me, I look back to my pregnancy with Bella.  Of course, every pregnancy is different, but the clear difference here is having a child that I have to keep up with.  I realized today though that by this point in my last pregnancy, the nursery was done and I had enjoyed both of my baby showers.  I was sent to labor and delivery approximately three weeks from now for the first time.  This is also when I had to slow down at work (or be forced off early by my doctors).  I am five weeks away from going on maternity full time.  I had to stop my exercise classes and was doing little other than relaxing and mentally preparing.

The question keeps going through my mind- how do people have multiple children and just keep going?  This is a normal part of most people's lives so I just can't help but wonder- how do they do it?  I will have Bella on my own from waking to sleep tomorrow and am seriously considering how to manage that.  This shouldn't be a big deal, but I'm tired just thinking about it!

So this leads me to my folly.  I struggled asking for help when I was going through treatment.  I worked on it and I think came to an acceptable place.  Now that I'm in "need" again, I just don't want to do it.  Not unless there is a reason.  I don't even want to talk to Nick about where I'm at and what that means in having him step up.  Somehow I feel like it is unreasonable.  He is going out to dinner tomorrow with the owner of his company and a new hire.  This is a reasonable and important thing for him to do.  I understand it.  But it feels hard to me.  That is an unreasonable response I know, but then the underlying feelings are not unreasonable.  So how do I deal?  How do I say "I'm so sorry but I need you home when you're not working your normal hours."  Is that even fair?  We will get through it of course.  And just as I figured out how to care for a newborn the first time, I will figure out how to care for both my children as it comes.  Not much I can do now other than stress about it, so I won't.  Two more months!

Progress!

This weekend thanks to much sweat equity from Nick and my mom, and babysitting from Nick's mom, we cleared out the nursery (woohoo!).  I had a clear need since we have to paint, since my blinds are here and ready for installation.  That certainly kicked me into high gear.  After considering seven paint samples, and seriously considering adding an eighth, I have chosen a paint color.  I have received some excellent, expert advice from a friend of Nick's mom who is a professional, high end, painter, and am going to go buy the necessary paints tomorrow.  We also ordered the crib (a gift from Nick's mom).  Wow- serious progress on little boy's room.

Then after I had a meltdown on Sunday (despite so much amazing progress on Saturday), Nick kicked in to gear and completed two of my projects- organizing and cleaning our linen closet, and organizing and sorting through Bella's mountain of toys.  Fantastic!

Today, I decided that I could cross another item off my list and clean Bella's closet.  I didn't actually think it was such a huge deal, mostly chaos on top of order.  Turned into a three-ish hour project.  Thank goodness my mom was home and happy to entertain Bella while I finished it.  She found me in a pile on the floor and said if I got Bella dressed they would go for a walk.  I gratefully accepted and two hours later re-emerged.  I must say though, Bella's closet looks amazing now.  I still need to go through her dresser drawers, but that actually isn't a big deal.

I'm feeling so good about the progress.  Although there are still projects to finish, that might have been a good third of my list.  At least it was some of the bigger projects (I think).  Mostly it is the aftermath of finding homes for all of the stuff being removed from what was the office and now is the nursery.  Some of my projects are in a holding pattern until I get the nursery painted and the furniture in place since I haven't completely decided on the final furniture returning to the nursery. 

Anyhow I thought I would share since I've mostly been in a bit of a funk and struggling to just manage the day to day, let alone the big projects in front of me.  It always feels good to make positive strides and have an energy shift!  Lets hope I still feel this way in the morning!  I'm pretty sure I will.

30 weeks pregnancy questionnaire

How far along? 30 weeks

How big is baby? 18 inches, 3.2 lbs (according to my tracker, but we know he is already bigger than this...)
Total weight gain/loss: Holding steady a few pounds down from pre-pregnancy which means losing as baby grows!

Maternity clothes? Yes

Sleep: When I sleep, I sleep hard.  Starting the random late pregnancy insomnia though.  I woke up at 4:30 the other morning and could have started my day.  Unfortunately I would have been ready to go back to sleep about the time Bella would have woken up!

Best moment this week: Clearing out the nursery and ordering the crib!

Movement: Very active, very strong.  Seems to maybe be getting a little tight in there though because the movements are bigger but less these days.  He isn't up in my ribs (yet) though so I'm assuming he'll still get a little more room at some point!

Food cravings: None

Food Aversions: none

Gender: All boy

Labor Signs: contractions

Pregnancy Symptoms:  You name it, I've got it at this point.  Well, for late term anyhow.  Hormones are definitely kicking into high gear.  Not sure if I'm nesting or just crazy, but kicking into high gear with getting the nursery and house in order.  Everything is getting harder each day.  I carried a light but awkward part of a desk down the hallway yesterday and managed to hurt myself.  I went to the grocery store tonight and was beat (and contracting) by the time I got home.
Belly Button in or out? In

What I miss: Energy and physical capability to do just about anything with ease.  And the freedom to focus my energy and attention on my daughter without ending up in a panic attack over everything else.

What I am looking forward to: Painting the nursery!

Upcoming appointments/events: prenatal and endocrinologist on Friday, "sprinkle" in a few weeks and our final growth ultrasound after that!  Oh and our family photo shoot (final one as a family of three) is coming up too.

Weekly Wisdom: Deep breathing and a decent nights sleep can help put just about anything in perspective.

Milestones: ordering the crib

Bump Picture: next time!

Getting crazier?

Today I hit a new level of crazy.  I have put six paint samples on the wall of little boy's nursery.  I *think* I have decided on one, but have spent much of the day considering adding a seventh sample.  When we put together Bella's nursery I knew exactly what I wanted in a paint color.  People thought I was crazy explaining it, but I had it in my head precisely.  Since I have wavered on the color itself for this room, picking a shade has been amazingly challenging.  (By the way, gray paint is tough to choose even when you do know what you want.  Who knew that the wrong shade could be green, blue, purple, or brown???)  I am also struggling picking an actual crib.  I'm down to two (not terrible) but one looks better as a crib and seems better made, while the other looks better as a bed (which he will have for a much longer time clearly).  Gratefully we aren't in as terrible a rush to choose the crib as we are to choose the paint, but I can't get the nursery done until the crib is chosen either...

Anyhow, I feel like a crazy person.  I'm not usually this level of indecisive plus I am having actual anxiety (nearly panic attack level) in desperate need to have it done.  Is this nesting?  If so- thank goodness I didn't go through it with Bella's room!  My goal this weekend is to have the nursery cleared out and ready for paint, the paint purchased, and maybe even the crib selected (maybe ordered?).  I will also have the installation scheduled for the new blinds I have ordered for both nurseries and our bedroom.  Hopefully that will be enough to tame the crazy beast in my head.  Then I will have the week to paint (looking like a painting party on Friday night!) and the projects left maybe will feel less pressing.  Sadly though, the list is quite long.  Things like clearing out Bella's closet, and organizing the linen and hall closets.  So much to do, so little time.  Definitely fantasizing about the organizing fairies coming into my house and magically fixing everything exactly the way I imagine it. =)

Blessed

Today was very hot in our hometown and since I'm pretty much only comfortable when it is 65-75 degrees (yes- a spoiled baby) after nap-time I decided Bella and I needed to beat the heat. We ran an errand, enjoyed some delicious ice cream and the picked up nick and pointed south. There was no destination other than watching the outside temperature gauge on my car until it hit acceptable numbers. We found ourselves approaching the golden gate bridge in traffic and decided to push through into the city. We ended up at a "family" restaurant in north beach. (These Italians- blood means a lot but you may be family without any actual blood relation. This is one of those people.) I had actually never been there and so thought it would be nice to check it out.

It was one of those nights that reminded me of how blessed I truly am. For all the hard stuff (and believe me- there is plenty) my family is amazing. We had a delicious meal as the setting but what made it great were nick and Bella. They laughed and played all through dinner and it was a total joy to watch. Nothing particular special or spectacular. Just a simple meal shared by three people who love each other. Hard to beat that.

One year

One year ago today I was proclaimed cancer free.  One year ago today I underwent surgery for a single mastectomy.  How did I spend my day today?  Getting a 3D ultrasound of my little boy, and I will follow it up with an Aerosmith concert.  Seems appropriate right? ;)  Here are some pictures of our little man.