Perception

Today I am working to remember that my perception of reality is just
that- a perception. More importantly it is viewed through
exceptionally sleep deprived eyes, which is most likely skewing it
even more than normal. It's tough though when that perception leaves
you feeling pretty lonely.

I know that this time period as a parent is short lived. I know that I
will look back to when my son wanted to sleep on me with fondness and
longing to feel that again. I will wonder where the days went that my
daughter wanted nothing more than to color with me. I know with deep
certainty that these moments are fleeting.

Even with that knowledge, I struggle daily as I wonder where I've
gone. Who I am now that the title mommy has taken over my being. I
know mommy isn't all of me, but right now, in this moment, I struggle
to see any of those other parts. I can't remember how to consistently
be a loving wife. I struggle to maintain my friendships, especially
when there isn't the shared mommy insanity. I desperately miss having
music and the stage in my life, but can't even begin to wrap my brain
around how to have it without the constant mommy guilt. From time to
time I reflect on the fact that I hold a masters degree in education
and am sure I have something to offer from this brain of mine.

Today, I show up. I put one foot in front of the other and do my very
best for now. That might mean my kids are fed and rested but in their
pjs and enjoying take out for dinner. It might mean I take them on an
adventure, apple picking, museums, nature, any of it is good. Usually
it is somewhere in between these things. Most importantly I just try
to trust that when I am ready, my brain, my music, my friends, my life
outside of mommy, will be waiting.

Run in

Today, while checking out at the grocery store, I had a cancer run in.
Sounds bad, but it wasn't I promise.

On the day I was diagnosed, as I left the exam room after hearing the
news, I was introduced to a nurse- Nancy. She was a survivor. She was
kind and encouraging. I have one of those insanely crisp memories of
looking her in the eye and having her hug me.

I kept thinking I would run into her during one of my prenatal
appointments but never did. Well it turns out she left the practice,
though occasionally fills in there. She remembered me too.

Today, standing in the checkout line at trader joes, that memory came
flooding back.

Next month it will be two years from that day. There are certain
moments from that day that I can play back in my minds eye like a
scene from a movie I've seen a thousand times. Sitting at lunch with
my mommy friends and our babies, eating Thai food and telling them
about the biopsy. Going to the bathroom to change Bella and listening
to the voicemail from my doctor. She sounded happy- surely it couldn't
be bad news I had thought. My gut told me she sounded too happy and
wouldn't be calling me so quickly with good news. Answering a second
call from my doctors office and knowing. Calling my mom and sobbing
for her to please come home and go to the doctors with me. Calling
nick and trying to sound like I wasn't worried.

I can play it back like I'm watching a movie. I see it, hear it, feel it.

And yet, here we are, nearly two years later. I'm afraid I'm still
looking over my metaphorical shoulder still, wondering if its
following me. When will it catch me again. I hope as time goes on,
that feeling goes away.

Disconnected

I'm sorry for my total lack of postings. I've missed every holiday and
event I think since Gio was born. He is such a sweet little boy. Tons
of smiles and love. Unfortunately he is still miserable a good portion
of the time. He screams a lot. I'm hitting my wall a little more
frequently. I had a mini meltdown the other day and my mom reminded me
how challenging we have it right now. You would have thought after the
breastfeeding drama with Bella, and then the whole cancer thing, and
then pregnancy before my body had even recovered, that we would have
gotten a break. But apparently not... So we still survive. :)

I'm starting to really feel disconnected from, well, everything. I
even had three mommy play dates this week (amazing!) but between Bella
wanting/needing my attention, and Gio's fussiness, it was difficult to
fully talk and connect. I really don't have the energy to do a lot of
socializing these days so its hard when it happens to not be able to
fully engage.

It's only temporary I know. Just starting to feel like by the time I
find my way back into life, my friends and I will all be in such
different places that the reconnection won't happen. Just fears-
hopefully unfounded. I promise updated pictures soon and a new blog
design too! Once I have time to get back on my laptop... So 2033? ;)