Round Six

Today I completed round six of chemo!  Only two more rounds to go and that means I will be done (in final recovery) in a short four weeks.  I am SO ready to be done.  However, things are looking good.  The tumor is essentially gone from what we can tell.  There is still some "thick tissue" but that could be just scar tissue.  To this point, no one has mentioned the possibility of scar tissue where the cancer was, so to hear that as a possibility, for me, was really good news.

We started the morning off meeting with my surgeon.  She is really pleased with my response to the chemo and even brought the possibility of a lumpectomy back on the table.  It is unlikely and would only be an option if, when we do my MRI following the end of chemo, we find no tumor at all.  However, that it was even spoken about as an option made me feel really good.  I am still mentally prepared for a mastectomy, but if I could get away with a lumpectomy, that would be awesome.  There would be no reconstruction required and that means I would be actually done with the physical part of this process in October/November without a major surgery looming years down the road.  The reality though is that the local rate of recurrence is significantly higher in young women who have a lumpectomy as opposed to a mastectomy.  So it may not be the right choice, but it feels good to even have it out there as an option.

So, how do I feel?  This chemo is definitely different than the first type I was on.  If the first cycle was any reasonable indication, here is how I think this cycle will go.  Today I had treatment until about 1:40pm.  I slept through about half of it because they give me a super dose of benadryl as a pre-medication.  Then I woke up, had a snack and read some trashy magazines.  I was alone, which was sort of nice because I didn't feel like I needed to entertain anyone.  I slept when I wanted, zoned when I wanted, and read when I wanted.  Then my sister and family picked me up, we grabbed some lunch and I came home.  I ate lunch and napped because the benadryl was still in effect.  Tonight I feel pretty good.  The benadryl has worn off and the chemo doesn't leave me feeling drugged like the first drugs I was on.

Tomorrow I anticipate feeling pretty decent.  I'm sure I'll need a little nap but overall expect to feel fine.  Thursday I expect the bone pain to kick in which was tough last week because it was unexpected.  I anticipate it being a great deal easier to manage this time because I already have the meds and can catch it early and keep it at bay.  This will go on for a few days and I'll be in pain management mode.  Unfortunately the pain meds will effect my energy, but the chemo doesn't seem to.  Then around Tuesday or Wednesday I'll feel like I'm coming down with a cold, but it will only last about 24 hours.  The big question mark will be on Friday when I may experience some nausea.  I did last week but it may have been the chemo and it may have been due to the fact that I waited too long to eat that morning.  Then once the bone pain subsides, I should be feeling back to my normal self (relatively speaking).  There you go, my "expected" experience for the next two weeks.  Here's hoping it is somewhat true to reality, or even better.

I'm feeling pretty positive after today's experience- reinvigorated about how well I am healing and even less scared about radiation.  I'm grateful to have wonderful doctors and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel- even if I still have a mastectomy and reconstruction years down the road.  Four more weeks- that's it!

A better day

After yesterday's emotional journey, I expected a full wipe out today.  Instead, I continued to feel better and more accepting throughout the day.  I did wake up feeling a little rough (I have a trend of feeling like I'm coming down with a cold on day 7 or 8 of each treatment cycle, which is exactly when my white blood count bottoms out), but after some napping for both me and Bella, I felt okay.  By this evening when Nick's mom came over, I was able to explain the doctors appointment with no tears and a relative calm.

On my mind currently?  Planning Bella's first birthday party in July (I can't believe she's almost one!).  Planning a vacation in early July (soooo looking forward to some fun and relaxation!).  Celebrating our third wedding anniversary!  Nick and I celebrate three years of marriage tomorrow and will mark the occasion with our first overnight away from Bella on Saturday night.  We have a gift certificate from our wedding (gasp!) to the Four Seasons, so we get to enjoy one night in the lap of luxury.  I'm looking forward to a full 24 hours with my wonderful husband and a night of sleep for both of us.  Sounds exciting, no? =)  My mom and Nick's mom will be tag teaming Bella.  I'm sure they will enjoy their girls night without us.

The Long Road Ahead

Today I met with the plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction options.  I've met with my surgeon who performs the mastectomy but I need a plastic surgeon for reconstruction of the breast.  Until this point I had heard that reconstruction could maybe happen at the same time as the mastectomy.  I was definitely holding out hope that this would be the case.  Today I determined this is definitely not the case.  Due to the fact that I have to have radiation after surgery, I cannot have reconstruction at the same time.  Radiation really destroys the tissue (apparently for years beyond the time that you are actually receiving the treatment) and would make the breast completely change shape, leading to future surgeries for correction, or a lifetime of a misshapen chest.

That's the bad news.

According to the plastic surgeon, they won't allow her to even touch my breast for six months to a year after radiation.  Additionally, in order to ensure that I am relatively even, she wants to give my other breast a lift at the same time as the reconstruction.  I'm fine with this (I feel that I am so young it is important to me to feel as normal as possible once is this all done), but that requires that all of the ducts in my healthy breast be cut.  This could lead to not being able to breast feed at all.  I already know that my left breast produces milk (even if a small amount) and I am determined to have another baby and breast feed at least in part.  I don't know why, other than that I fought so incredibly hard to breast feed Bella and feel a little like I "failed" at my effort, but this has become a point I am fixated on.  I will breast feed again.

So with all of this information, it is likely that I will wait to have my reconstructive surgery until I am done having children.  We are now talking about years.  If I had my druthers I would get pregnant sometime next fall.  That would put Bella and her future sibling three years apart.  My oncologist wants me to wait a year beyond that.  My body may or may not allow me to get pregnant on its own.  So there are a lot of factors affecting if and when I have another child.  Which of course means there are a lot of factors affecting when I will have reconstruction.

In the meantime they will place an expander in my chest as a placeholder to preserve the shape of my breast.  I am lucky in that they should be able to preserve the skin and nipple.  I could still face some risks with this when I have radiation (including the possibility of the expander coming through the skin- yep you read that right- through the skin), but it seems to be the best plan available.

I'll leave the discussion about the type of reconstruction for another day.  That is a large topic that deserves its own post and I could change my mind about what type of reconstruction I have between now and the time I have it.  But if you're curious, right now my best option is looking like a tram flap surgery.

To say I had a melt down today is fair.  This was not the news I was hoping for at all.  I went from feeling like I had my eyes set on October as the finish line to now facing major surgery sometime in a couple of years.  I keep saying "I just want to be done with this".  I guess today, I can safely say, this just sucks.  I really haven't felt too negative as this process has gone on.  I haven't had too many pity parties, mostly feeling like I just needed to continue moving forward and it would all be fine.  Today, I can easily say with the best of you, that this sucks.  This is not something anyone should have to go through, particularly a young woman like myself.  It isn't a fair disease and the treatment is brutal.  I feel as though around every corner I keep receiving news that makes this just a little bit longer, a little bit more difficult, and continually changing the landscape of my future.

On the bright (?) side, after I'm done having babies, I'm guaranteed new breasts and a surgery that works like a tummy tuck!  There are lots of women out there who pay big bucks to have that happen.  Not a choice I would make myself, but hey, I've gotta keep my eyes on that silver lining right?

Long week- Good Day

I guess I spoke a little too soon regarding how "easy" this new chemo drug is on me.  I mentioned the bone pain which started on Wednesday, and then I was hit with nausea on Thursday.  The pain and general malaise has continued as late as last night.  I was having this strange pain all day yesterday, a sort of burning sensation coupled with sharp pains randomly located all over my body.  I couldn't quite place it so I did nothing about it.  Finally at 1 am when I couldn't sleep, I took some pain medication.  It started to work around 1:30 and I was asleep around 2.  This is where my sad tale ends gratefully.

Bella woke up around 6:30am today.  I tried to convince her it was way too early and we should go back to sleep, but since I was awake I figured I'd let Nick get some rest for once and get up with little miss.  We went out and took my dad and Vicki to breakfast since it was Vicki's birthday this week.  Then I came home for a bit and headed up beautiful Mt Tamalpais for the Mountain Play's production of Hairspray!  I went with my friend Vanessa and her husband and baby.  It was a beautiful day and a really fun production.  I visited with many old friends from various theatre productions who were seeing, in or running the show.  It was a truly glorious day on the mountain- perfect weather, not too hot or cold.  Best of all, I felt fine all day, even though I was running on 4.5 hours of sleep!  I'm feeling a little bit of the pain returning but tonight I won't wait to take some medication so that I can make sure I get some good sleep tonight.

Tomorrow I meet with the plastic surgeon to discuss my reconstruction options.  This will help me get my show on the road regarding surgery.  I plan on scheduling it sometime in the last two weeks of July.  Hopefully once this is scheduled I can really get my eye on the prize and get this nonsense handled!

Cousins

Isabella and her cousin Mia are almost exactly eighteen months apart.  Right now- that is a huge separation.  In the blink of an eye, you'll barely be able to tell there is a gap between them.  I am so excited to watch these amazing little girls grow up together.  They already love each other.  Their personalities are both huge so I'm sure it will be entertaining once they are both talking and interacting.  My sister and I took our daughters out to the store yesterday and got a picture of them "driving" around together.  I think it is a perfect insight into many sweet moments in the future and I wanted to share our sweet girls with all of you. =)

Another quick one

I wanted to post yesterday but didn't get on my computer and posting from my phone is less than ideal. Of course I'm posting from my phone now so it will be a quick one!

So far I can say the taxol is much easier on my body than the A/C treatment was. I haven't needed a single anti-nausea med and my energy has been better. I even went to two grocery stores yesterday without feeling totally wiped out after. I'm still tired but not in the same overly drugged way that I was before. I am experiencing some bone pain today though which could be the chemo or the shot to boost my white blood cells. I'm hoping it's the shot and not the chemo, because the chemo could have a more permanent effect.

Regardless I'm mentally more ready to face these next five and a half weeks of chemo. As I'm sure you could tell, I was having a very difficult time over the last couple of weeks. The fact of the matter is that I am fighting cancer, and brave face or not, it is hard. People keep telling me I'm putting on a brave face. I don't really see it that way, since I'm not trying to hide my fears or insecurities, but just forging ahead, because really- what choice do I have? But I can tell you now, this is not always easy. I get worn down and tired both physically and mentally. At the end of the day though, I'm beating this. It will eventually be a hazy story I tell of how I survived. In the meantime I will share my journey and try to be honest about it. Today this feels both simple and hard. I know there are many of you out there reading and I am grateful to have you surrounding me as I walk through this fire.

Chemo round five

Very short and sweet tonight as I need to go to bed. Chemo went well today. The long session is a little brutal, mostly because it starts with a super dose of benedryl to ward off potential allergic reaction. This leaves me loopy tired and then I need to sleep in the super uncomfy chair in a public room. Not my favorite. But I haven't taken any of my "as needed" meds for nausea and feel fine. Still obviously toxic and tired, but much much more mild than on the other drugs. Here is hoping this means a quick and easy recovery and fewer down days! More tomorrow.

Anxiety

Last night I finally figured out the root of my foul mood these past few weeks.  I am completely full of anxiety about my treatment tomorrow.  I feel, and have been feeling, very much the same way that I did in the weeks prior to beginning treatment.  The new drug that I start tomorrow, although still chemo, is the unknown.  Just as the first treatment was unknown to me.  I don't know how I am going to feel, when it will take effect, if it is going to make me nauseous or tired or drugged, or maybe nothing at all.  Although in theory it should be similar, but easier on me than the first series, the fact remains that I just don't know.  A known enemy is easier to fight than an unknown in preparation.

It helps somewhat to understand the root of my mood at least.  Sadly though it does nothing to help my mood.  I just keep thinking that all I want is to "get through" tomorrow.  It has become a giant monster in my mind that seems to grow larger by the hour.  Gratefully I do have medication to help with anxiety and can take some before bed tonight.  I may have to with the way I'm feeling at the moment.

I do have confidence intellectually that the next round of treatment will go just as well as the first round.  At the very least it will go as quickly!  Six more weeks and I will be done with chemo!!!!  Yay!!!!

Gearing up

It has been a long, somewhat difficult treatment cycle.  I finally started feeling "normal" yesterday.  That means I will have four good days out of the fourteen in my cycle.  Try as I may, this is definitely not good for my attitude.  I was feeling great about being halfway done at my last treatment.  My doctor helped me feel confident that this next drug would be easier and I was sure I would breeze through the rest of treatment.  Even better, I can't even find the tumor anymore.  Somehow though, I just couldn't hold on to my optimism.  The last few days I've been feeling much more "Ugh, I still have four more treatments to go" than "Woohoo four treatments done!".  I'm feeling desperate for fun and function, but barely have the energy to show up for my normal days at this point.  So I suppose the lack of balance isn't helping much either.

On a positive note I had a realization today.  I was listening to the radio and the song "live like you were dying" came on.  The song itself isn't so important, but its message got me thinking.  In my frustration I'm fixated on the fact that I can't live my life the way I would choose to right now.  The "shoulds" and similar thoughts leave me feeling dissatisfied and frustrated.  But when I listened to this song, I thought about how maybe I should be living differently right now.  Maybe I should be "living like I was dying" right now.  Well I don't believe I am dying and still need to make sure the way I live contributes to the long term health and happiness of my family.  However, I did have to ask myself the question, if things didn't go well, and I was given a death sentence, what would I want to do?  I would certainly come up with some things if that were the case, but what I realized is that as of right now, I have no regrets in my life.  I feel happy and confident with the things I've done.  If I were to die tomorrow, I would not say "I only wish I had..." (fill in the blank).

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things I would like to still do in my life.  Places I would like to go, experiences I would like to have, and most importantly live to be old and happy with my husband watching my sweet baby girl grow up.  But if that weren't the case, I could say that in the time I've had, I've lived a good life so far.

I guess that is a good thing to realize.  Though it also made me realize I'd better come up with some new life goals!  Its hard to be driven when you don't have a direction to go!  Luckily I can focus on raising my beautiful daughter for now.  Being the best possibly mommy to her is the only goal I need while I work on healing myself.

Speaking of healing myself, chemotherapy treatment number five on Monday!  So I am gearing up.  It is a long infusion so I would love as many positive thoughts sent my way for the first half of the day on Monday!

Happy Mother's Day!

Today is my first Mother's Day as a mommy.  It was a good day.  After a proper night's sleep (thanks to Nick staying in the family room with miss Bella last night) I was woken up by my two loves bringing me flowers and a beautiful card.  Then I was treated to a homemade pancake breakfast made by my loving husband.  It was a perfect and sweet start to the day.

The rest of the day was spent celebrating the birthdays of Nick's cousin Tony-Marie and Noni Marie!  And mother's day too, but the focus was definitely the birthdays.  Nick's aunt and uncle hosted a Mexican fiesta and there was so much food!  It was mostly catered by Mi Pueblo (the grocery store in San Rafael) and it was delicious!  It was enough food to feed an army so we will even have some more to enjoy tomorrow!

I keep saying that motherhood is the hardest job you will ever love.  Today this rings most true.  I was tired (despite a solid night's sleep) and not feeling great.  We had this lovely event to attend, and Miss Isabella certainly doesn't care if I am a little under the weather.  Gratefully at a large family event I always have more help than I can even handle sometimes, but little miss still requires her mama a fair amount.  So today, as is true every day, I had to show up no matter how I felt.  And yet, I have the sweetest moments I have ever known when this little being shines her love on me.  Bella has taken to giving kisses, usually grabbing my face with both hands and opening her mouth wide for a big, sloppy, wet kiss.  She is just the shiniest, happiest, sweetest little girl I know, and gets more so each and every day.  So no matter how hard any given day is, I love that I get to be mommy to Isabella.  I truly feel lucky to have this little girl in my life.  Lucky, lucky me.

So happy Mother's Day to all of you mama's out there.  I've heard it time and time again that being a mom is the most amazing experience in life, but until I became a mommy myself I couldn't fully understand.  It is truly life-altering.  Again- lucky, lucky me. =)

Catch up

I've definitely been off my game writing this week.  Bella has officially begun crawling which has definitely changed my life!  She started crawling a little bit here and there a couple of weeks ago, but never more than just a few scoots at a time.  Last week we officially had crawling across the room- but only with motivation (a much desired toy or other interesting object).  Then on Tuesday or Wednesday before Nick's birthday party, she just up and started crawling, no motivation required.  She is now a crawling machine.  See!

This of course happened right as we were preparing for Nick's birthday party, and then it was time for treatment.  So I've fallen down on my duty as mommy this week in chronicling Isabella's development.  I think I'll give myself a break this time though! =)

She is already pulling up constantly on everything that she can and desperate to walk (or run!).  She is also already going up the stairs we have in the house (gratefully only one or two here and there, no actual flights!).  Didn't take her long to figure out how to get her knees up on the step and pull herself up.  What was that about life changing!?!? =)

Other than that this has been an okay week.  The accumulative nature of chemo has definitely caught up with me.  I have been pretty tired this week, though started feeling like I was on my way back yesterday.  Of course then Bella was up every half hour last night (teething perhaps?) so now it is hard to say since that pretty much destroyed me.  Admittedly I'm feeling emotionally wiped out too.  It is tough to keep my head up when I'm trying to simply find the energy to get through the day.

Yesterday though, I had a little help with that.  Two of my girlfriends sent me flowers and the sweetest note for Mother's Day.  It was so unexpected and reminded me how lucky I am.  So thank you Laura and Colleen!  That was so very sweet of you.  On top of that my dad has been working on our fence this week.  Our back fence is all ivy and has been probably since it was built.  We knew when we bought our house that it would need to be replaced eventually because the ivy really was the fence.  This summer that was going to be our project, and we asked my dad if he wouldn't mind managing it (under the circumstances).  This week, he just dove in and started it.  Which also means that we will have a new fence very soon!

I know that I'm sort of rambling at this point so I won't continue with my nonsense.  I just wanted to catch up a little bit and acknowledge Bella's big milestone!  I hope all the moms out there have a wonderful day tomorrow!

Chemo Round Four

Yesterday marked the final round of A/C, the half way point of my chemo process, and the fourth round altogether.  So far, so good.  I was the usual "drugged" feeling all day yesterday but couldn't sleep.  I read a book all day cover to cover (which was sort of fun- haven't done that in a long time!) and then finally went to bed at about 9pm.  Although I wasn't nauseous, food wasn't terribly appealing either.  I did get a good lunch in and at a little something for dinner.

Today I am still quite exhausted, perhaps because I didn't sleep as much yesterday.  I did enjoy a morning nap and an afternoon nap though which has helped.  Another good nights sleep and I think I'll be back on the mend.  Here is hoping that my energy rebounds faster than it did last round.

From the doctor- I am slightly anemic.  Not surprising and exactly at the point that they anticipated I would start to really see the effect on my red blood cells.  Considering that I run borderline anemic normally, I think this is okay.  Plus I can focus on supporting the production of red blood cells in my body now by eating more leafy greens, red meat and drinking chlorophyll water at least once per day.  The tumor is still shrinking rapidly.  The doctor said that at this point it wouldn't be found on physical exam.  She and I can still feel it because we know it is there and approximately where it is, but if I came into an office for a regular exam, it is unlikely that a doctor would find it, and I certainly wouldn't from home.  So hopefully after this round, we won't even be able to find it!

There ya have it.  I'm still in recovery mode but hopeful that it will go better this time around.

Dirty Thirty!

Yesterday was Nick's big 'dirty thirty' birthday party bash!  It was amazing.  We've been planning for a long time as you well know, and really put a lot of work into this party.  It was themed "Nick's Favorite Things", which made for quite an interesting party!  We used rooms and stations to give the party some flow (and not look like we were just crazy!).  I'll explain in pictures below because it really came out awesome.  Most importantly though, this party really had that "magic" that the best events have.  You can plan for the food, the decorations, and even the guest list, but at the end of the day, some events just have that special something that make them the most fun.  For me- this was definitely one of those events.  I was beaming ear to ear all day.  We had around 60 people show up for the event (maybe more?) including friends, family and even our neighbors!  I'm pretty sure everyone that attended enjoyed themselves.  If you missed it- here is your chance to live it through pictures!

The living room was the baseball/dodger room.  It featured a slide show of over 300 pictures of Nick through the years.

Then the dining room was the "dirty thirty" room- which really wasn't dirty at all because it had all the food in in it!  Here is the day's menu-
Appetizers: Sushi from Yu Shang: Volcano Roll, Firecracker Roll, Spicy Crunchy Tuna Roll, Bonsai with Maguro Roll, Cucumber Salad a la Yu Shang, Spinach Patties by Karey, Garlic Rolls by Marie, Focaccia by Liguria Bakery, Steak Tartar by Gerry & Gerlando, Taquitos, Fried Cheese, Zucchini Sticks, Chips and Salsa with Queso Dip
Dinner: Tortilla Casserole by Lorraine, Babyback Ribs by Gerry & Gerlando & Lorraine, Vegetarian Taco Salad by Comforts, Chicken Okasan by Comforts, Philly Cheesesteak by Italian Delight, Deep Fried New York Steak
Dessert: Cheesecake by Lorraine, Birthday Cake: Vanilla Chiffon Cake with Whipped Cream Frosting and fresh strawberries by Polly Ann Bakery, Home Run Pies, Oreo Cookies and Milk, Piñata Candy

Most of the dinner is out!

The Rock Band Room was well used for an all night rock band party!

My sister Sarah created the most amazing Cuban Cigar Lounge for Nick which included a fully stocked bar as well as some excellent cigars for those smokers in the crowd (not actually cuban).

Also Sarah (and her husband Alex) created a "dive bar", also known as Nick's Silver Viking, which included a popcorn machine, a kegerator that featured Pabst Blue Ribbon, and Jaeger and Rock Star.

Overall, it was truly an amazing event.  So much love and fun and enjoyment.  I'm exhausted to be sure but so very glad we did it.  It gave me something to focus on over the last few weeks and gave everyone around us a chance to really let their hair down and just celebrate life.

Tomorrow I go in for treatment number four.  This marks the final treatment of Adriamycin and Cytoxin as well as the halfway point of my chemotherapy.  After this treatment I will switch to Taxol for four cycles.  I am admittedly nervous switching drugs as I don't know how my body will take it.  Especially after feeling so rough after this last cycle.  I'm hoping cycle number four treats me gently to give me a little break before the new (and supposedly tougher) drug starts. 

Some shout outs for tonight.  A huge thank you to Lorraine, Nick's mom, for everything she did for this party.  She cooked, cleaned, shopped, ordered, organized and kept things running smoothly.  I literally could not have done this without you.  Another huge thank you to my sister Sarah.  Your creative mind and hard work on the decorations were unbeatable.  Everything looked amazing.  A huge thank you to my mom Lynne for helping with Bella and cleaning the house and a perfect pinata!  I thank goodness for you every day.  And another huge thank you to my sister KC who spent Friday night with us, helped with Bella, and hand scrubbed our deck among other things.  You rock.  Other thank yous- Gerry and Gerlando for your delicious food!  My nephew Shaughn for helping prep and being our go to popcorn maker.  Noni Marie for your help decorating and delicious Garlic rolls.  We might need to make those a regular food at events in the future!  To my dad and Vicki for picking up Yu Shang!  To Mikey for your heavy lifting and running the dogs!  To Toni-Marie for helping set up- most particularly setting up the Keg!  Thank goodness you were here!  To Katie and Brian Shelah for being such awesome friends that you flew out here for one night "just to help".  We are so lucky to have friends like you and it was awesome to get to see you live and in person in California!  To Chris Svenson for picking up the Focaccia- yum!  Phew- it really was a huge team effort.  I hope I didn't forget anyone, but if I did- please know I am exceptionally grateful- just moderately braindead! =)

Keep me in your thoughts tomorrow!  Prayers, visualizing the cancer being eliminated, and energetic quick healing thoughts.