On we go...

Today was my fourth radiation treatment.  I have nearly completed one full week.  So, how do I feel?  Fine so far.  No side effects gratefully.  My skin doesn't show any damage and I don't feel any more tired than normal.  This week has mostly forced me to remember that although I have been declared cancer free, I am still "fighting cancer" and it is still a big deal.  Having treatment, even one that doesn't directly affect me during or after, every single weekday is a quick way to remember that.

How am I doing?  That is a much larger question.  I've admittedly been struggling for some time now.  Emotionally since surgery I've been feeling my mortality and the weight of this disease.  I cry often worried that somehow, eventually, this disease will get the better of me.  The what-ifs weigh heavily.  I've also been struggling with my physical appearance.  My "foob" (the cancer term for fake boob) really does not look like a breast at all to me, and is completely uneven with my other breast.  A good bra can make a difference, but radiation requires that I do not wear anything constricting in an effort to protect my skin.  My hair is also really growing back (yay!) and has officially reached awkward, fuzzy, non-style phase.  I think I can use some product to help at least make it spiky and semi "done", but mostly it just looks like a baby duckling, fuzzy and awkward.  I'm trying to not worry about these physical manifestations of my fight, but when they are reflected in photos, it is hard to forget.

The good news is that I am seeing a counselor again and working on my cancer demons.  I'm hoping it will help me feel a little less sensitive.  I don't mind grappling with mortality, I just need to feel like I have a little bit of control about when it hits me.  I really dislike being a leaky faucet.  We are discussing the possibility of some chemical help for me in this department.  Short term, it might be just the ticket.

In other good news, I have some fun things to focus on other than being a cancer/radiation patient.  Of course Isabella is keeping me busy busy busy with her sweet, glowing self.  She is walking (running?) like crazy these days.  She is so BUSY all the time exploring her world from this new perspective.  She is also learning new words and concepts every single day.  Just moments ago we watched as she practiced the up/down concept (gratefully she was doing the lifting).  She is truly amazing and such a joy to be around.  We are also planning a quick jaunt down to Disneyland next week to check out the Halloween decorations.  Just Nick, Bella and myself.  We will be there for just a minute, but since we upgraded to annual passes when we visited in July, we figured we should take advantage!  Once we return, I get to get busy rehearsing for the annual Mountain Play benefit/gala.  This year is a tribute to director Jim Dunn who is celebrating his 30th and last year on the mountain.  It will be a big celebration for such an important part of the Mountain Plays recent history.

Before all of this, however, I have a rock show to perform in!  This Saturday night I will be singing in the Wine, Women and Song "Breastival" at 19 Broadway in Fairfax, 9pm.  I will be singing two songs myself, and (in a non self-deprecating way) I am at the bottom end of the talent scale for this event.  In other words, these people ROCK!  So you really should come and check it out.  Here's a photo of me rehearsing last week for the show.  This is the beginning of my rock and roll self (plus you can see what I'm talking about with the crazy hair and foob issue I'm having).

The Final Battle Begins

Tomorrow I will have my first radiation treatment.  I had a simulation appointment on Friday, which was a sort of dress rehearsal.  We did everything but the actual dosage.  I don't have very much to say about this other than that I am ready to begin this process so that it can finally be over and done with.  I have my sights set on getting my life back.  In just a few short weeks I will be done fighting cancer.  At least physically.  The mental and emotional damage will take years to process, but at least my life won't be full of appointments and treatments and doctors any longer.

So tomorrow morning at 10am, see those rays finding any rogue cells so that this final push is truly final.

Radiation

Today I had my treatment planning for radiation.  Essentially I spent half an hour learning about radiation, and then two hours getting positioned for treatment.  I know it sounds odd that it takes two hours to get positioned, but the idea is that the position has to be a) reproducible and b) comfortable for 30-40 minutes at a time.  Oh yeah, and it has to fit in the machine.  It took quite a long time to get my arms positioned correctly.  Then they took some images with the CT machine and gave me my tattoos.

Yes, you read that correctly, I have tattoos now.  Four dots around my breast that make a square (or diamond I suppose).  They will help reproduce the exact same position for the radiation from appointment to appointment.

Now that they have done the positioning, and taken the additional images, my doctor will take all of that information, put it together with the information they had before (from the MRI, mammogram and PET scan) and using a fancy computer system, design my treatment.  They can do crazy things with these beams.  This will take about three days.

On Friday, I will be going in for my "simulation" appointment.  Essentially they will take me through the process, step by step, exactly as we will do on treatment days, all the way up until the point that they would beam me with radiation.  Then, on Monday, I begin treatment five days a week.

I will have 26-28 treatments, which means I will be done sometime between October 31st and November 2nd.  I'm holding November 4th as my "done by" date, just in case.  That is a Friday and I figure I can be sure we will be done by then.

Here we go again.  My side effects should be mild- they say my skin will react like a sunburn and I might feel fatigued.  Nothing like chemo however.  If you have thoughts and prayers to spare, please think of me over the next several weeks.  See the radiation being effective, eliminating any rogue cells that may still be in my body.  See my body taking the radiation in for its purpose and sustaining my health beyond that.  See my future scans being clear- for the rest of my life.

Final Stretch

I am gearing up for the final stretch of treatment.  On Monday I will have my treatment planning appointment for radiation, and I should start the actual treatment by the end of next week.  I admit as I get closer my anxiety increases.  Not surprising as here I am, facing yet another "unknown" that could really negatively affect me.  I'm also still not quite 100% recovered from surgery (that takes months for most major surgeries) though am really improving day by day and have been able to get a great deal of normalcy back in my life.  I already feel a little bit beaten down just at the prospect of feeling crummy again.  Though its possible that I won't have any issues.

Ah the ever present joy of future-tripping over things I can't control.  Such a wasteful pastime of mine!  I genuinely hope I can get over this silliness someday.

These boots

Bella is officially walking.  I've been hesitant to make that statement despite the fact that she has been taking steps for quite a while now.  However, she would only walk between people and with encouragement.  Over the last week she has started walking all over the place, more and more each and every day.  The best part is when she is really having fun practicing her walking, she will go between two people and give "attack hugs" where she sort of roars at you while coming full speed ahead and grabs you in a great big hug.  I am going to have to figure out how to get a video of this because it is just way too cute. =)

Radiation

For a factual cancer update...

I am healing quite nicely from surgery.  I would say I am at a good 70-80%.  Considering it really takes months to get to 100% I feel pretty good about that.  I do have one more "fill" for my tissue expander which will happen this Wednesday, and those leave me a little sore.  Nothing too bad, it just takes a couple of days to recover.

My treatment planning appointment for radiation is scheduled for Monday September 19th.  This appointment will place me in a CT scan for a couple of hours while they collect a ton of information to compile with all of the information they already have (MRIs, PET scan, mammogram, etc).  All of this information goes into a super computer where an exact treatment plan will be determined by my Radiological Oncologist.  Once this plan is complete I will begin treatment.  We expect this will be at the end of the same week (so around the 22nd or 23rd).  Once I begin I will have 28-30 treatments.  Based on the timing, I should be done with treatment by the first couple of days of November.  Once that is all done, I will be officially done with treatment and moving on to observation.  I am so looking forward to that day.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel.  That is a good thing.

Koya Huye!

Today was a truly heart filling, soul smiling sort of day.  I woke up (albeit exhausted from less than 3 hours of sleep after some serious insomnia), to hugs and kisses from my sweet girl.  We got up and enjoyed a delicious and healthy breakfast together and then ran some errands.  After that it was time to run off to my dear friend Angela's baby shower.  Angela is about 33 weeks pregnant with a little girl, and it was so wonderful to see her glowing and beautiful and celebrate this life she is growing.

After the shower, I had been invited to participate in/ witness a marriage proposal.  Sounds strange I know... In 2007 I was a tribe member of the cast of Hair for the mountain play.  Two of our cast mates, Erica and Jeff, met during this show and began dating a short while later.  They have been together ever since.  About a month ago Jeff called up the entire Hair tribe (which we named Koya Huye) and asked them to be hiding in the mountain theatre this afternoon.  He planned to bring Erica to the stage, propose and then shout out "Koya!" to which the group would resoundingly respond with "Huye!".  This was our call during the show.  Then the group would show themselves and celebrate with the happy couple.  I sadly couldn't make it up in time for the proposal (I was still celebrating Angela- another tribe member), but made it up to catch the end of the celebration.

It's funny- through the years I have always referred to my "theatre friends" as a specific type.  Generally speaking, when you do a show, the cast becomes a family.  You are bonded for life in this odd way.  Then, once the show is over, you lose contact.  Even with this, when you run into these people after the show, there is still a heartfelt connection.  The cast of hair is not only no exception, it is an even stronger bond since it truly encourages the "tribe" mentality.  To be able to reunite with so many of these wonderful people truly made my heart sing.

On top of the pure joy of the event, and wonderful reunion with beloved tribe members, I also had the opportunity to remember a piece of me that has been neglected for some time.  I spent some time talking with the mountain plays choreographer and after mentioning how much I miss it and want to "get back up there" (meaning the mountain in particular, and the stage generally), he kept saying "come back- we love you!".  We had enjoyed a similar conversation when I had seen him at this year's performance of Hairspray.  It dusted out some of those cobwebs collecting in my heart and soul.  I easily fall into the trap of "just" mommy, or cancer victim, or wife, or whatever.  I hadn't realized how neglected Karey had become in the meantime.  When you have so little energy, and it all goes towards healing first and mommying second, self-care (for your heart and soul and mind) easily fall by the way-side.  So I am setting the intention to audition for next year's mountain play.  Assuming my life will support it and nothing else gets in the way- as I see it, performing will provide exercise (from dance), social interaction as more than Bella's mommy, and heart cleansing (from singing).  Surely it will make me a better person in all facets of my life.

More to share but I will make them separate posts for easier reading. =)

Long as god can grow it...

Hair.  Yep, this is a very short post to show you how much hair I have!  It is finally showing up in pictures.  So here you go!

Happy Days

It has been a lovely three day weekend with Nick home.  We've been busy busy bees.  We enjoyed a birthday party for Bella's friend Phoenix on Saturday.  That was lovely as it was essentially a day in the park playing in the grass.  Then Sunday I spent the day canning tomatoes with Nick's mom, grandmother and aunt.  We canned about 210 pounds of tomatoes which resulted in about 61-62 quarts of sauce.  Whew, that was a LONG day.  Finally today we took Isabella to the San Francisco Zoo for the first time!

We had so much fun with her, even though we only spent a couple of hours and saw about half of the zoo.  We became members though so we can go anytime we want since the zoo is open 365 days a year!  Bella loves animals so despite the fact that it was during nap time, she was mesmerized by all the various animals we were seeing.  I can't wait to take her back.  Here are some shots of our day together!

Petting a turtle!

Visiting the ducks!

Walking through the family farm!

Petting a goat!

Checking out the gorillas!

Viewing the Zebras!



Fear

I am scared all the time.  Okay, maybe not every second of every minute of every day, but several times a day, every day, I am scared.  I'm scared that the cancer will come back.  I'm scared that the cancer isn't really gone.  I'm scared that eventually, I won't make it.

The sort of ironic thing about all of this fear is that the truth is, no one is promised tomorrow.  I could get hit by a bus, or have some other tragic thing happen any moment, and that was true before cancer.

Regardless, it is hard to ignore your mortality when you are fighting cancer.  I know I have posted about this before.  I know that every single day new discoveries are made and if I have to fight this again, there is a good chance they will have better tools to fight, if not an actual cure for it.  Somehow though, this knowledge has not taken away the fear.

The worst of it always hits when I am putting Bella to sleep.  For some reason those are the moments that I imagine her future, and the important things in her life that I am so desperate to be present for.  I need to be there when she gets married, has babies, graduates from school, has her heart broken, falls in love, stars in a play, wins a softball game, or any other significant moment in her life.  The idea of missing any of these moments brings me to tears each and every time.  A girl needs her mom.

I am doing everything my doctors tell me to do.  I will fight with everything I have.  I still somehow though am not able to latch on to this as a motivation to go above and beyond in my fight.  I know that food affects my body's ability to fight the cancer.  If I was eating an alkaline diet it would support my effort.  If I lost weight, it would support my effort.  And yet, these are things I haven't been able to do.  Part of that stems from the fact that I am an emotional eater.  And fear needs to be stopped, which I do with food.  Another reason why I know that I need to find a counselor and probably go on some anti-depressants or anxiety medication.

I don't really have anything particularly interesting to share tonight other than every day I seem to be struggling more and more with this fear.  I am high functioning and can "get by" in life with no issues.  On the surface, most days, I seem fine.  Under the surface though, there is a constant turmoil boiling up, ripping through me and tearing me out of the present.  It is time to make a change.  It has become too difficult to ignore.  Radiation won't begin for another three weeks or so and I am feeling much more myself post-surgery.  I no longer have any reason to not take the next step in truly caring for myself.  If I'm going to be here for my daughter, I truly must begin to be here for myself.  Therein lies the challenge.

Rockin' Benefit

Wine, Women & Song is a benefit concert that raises money for the fight against breast cancer. It began in 1998, with first time producer, Susan Zelinsky. As of 2011, over $100,000 has been raised and given to local charities.

I have been involved with Wine, Women and Song for many years through their annual production "The Breast of Broadway".  We haven't had a show in a couple of years, frankly because it is a ton of work and the producers have been busy and overwhelmed with other endeavors.  However, Susan Z, the founder, has continued her original production of a rock and roll benefit featuring local singer/songwriters performing music by artists who have had breast cancer.  It's a wonderful show and really a fun night out.  This year, I will be joining these amazing artists on stage.

Clearly, this is a very personal cause for me now.  My heart was always connected with the mission of the group, and now I want to shout it from the mountain tops.  So I hope for those that can, you will come and rock out with us in support of Breast Cancer awareness, research and programs.

Wine Women and Song, Rack n Roll Music Breastival
19th Broadway
Fairfax, CA
October 1st, 9pm

Angel Baby

Bella gets sweeter and sweeter every single day- I swear.  I'm guessing all, or at least most, parents feel the same way.  The awe of raising a child is hard to avoid.  The latest in Bella's arsenal of sweetness is freely given hugs.  She will hug often when asked, but in the last few days (at least with me) she has started randomly deciding she needs some mommy love and giving me great big hugs and kisses.  It is the most heart melting moment I can imagine.  This is on top of her hilarious and fun loving self.  I know each and every day that this is an angel in my life.  Some days are harder than others (parenthood is no small potatoes) but those moments where this little person has you cracking up or grabs a hold of your heart like no one ever has before, make everything beyond worth while.  I simply can't wait to watch this wonderful person grow into the amazing woman she already is.  No rush, just sweet, simple joy in the experience of it all.