On we go...

Today was my fourth radiation treatment.  I have nearly completed one full week.  So, how do I feel?  Fine so far.  No side effects gratefully.  My skin doesn't show any damage and I don't feel any more tired than normal.  This week has mostly forced me to remember that although I have been declared cancer free, I am still "fighting cancer" and it is still a big deal.  Having treatment, even one that doesn't directly affect me during or after, every single weekday is a quick way to remember that.

How am I doing?  That is a much larger question.  I've admittedly been struggling for some time now.  Emotionally since surgery I've been feeling my mortality and the weight of this disease.  I cry often worried that somehow, eventually, this disease will get the better of me.  The what-ifs weigh heavily.  I've also been struggling with my physical appearance.  My "foob" (the cancer term for fake boob) really does not look like a breast at all to me, and is completely uneven with my other breast.  A good bra can make a difference, but radiation requires that I do not wear anything constricting in an effort to protect my skin.  My hair is also really growing back (yay!) and has officially reached awkward, fuzzy, non-style phase.  I think I can use some product to help at least make it spiky and semi "done", but mostly it just looks like a baby duckling, fuzzy and awkward.  I'm trying to not worry about these physical manifestations of my fight, but when they are reflected in photos, it is hard to forget.

The good news is that I am seeing a counselor again and working on my cancer demons.  I'm hoping it will help me feel a little less sensitive.  I don't mind grappling with mortality, I just need to feel like I have a little bit of control about when it hits me.  I really dislike being a leaky faucet.  We are discussing the possibility of some chemical help for me in this department.  Short term, it might be just the ticket.

In other good news, I have some fun things to focus on other than being a cancer/radiation patient.  Of course Isabella is keeping me busy busy busy with her sweet, glowing self.  She is walking (running?) like crazy these days.  She is so BUSY all the time exploring her world from this new perspective.  She is also learning new words and concepts every single day.  Just moments ago we watched as she practiced the up/down concept (gratefully she was doing the lifting).  She is truly amazing and such a joy to be around.  We are also planning a quick jaunt down to Disneyland next week to check out the Halloween decorations.  Just Nick, Bella and myself.  We will be there for just a minute, but since we upgraded to annual passes when we visited in July, we figured we should take advantage!  Once we return, I get to get busy rehearsing for the annual Mountain Play benefit/gala.  This year is a tribute to director Jim Dunn who is celebrating his 30th and last year on the mountain.  It will be a big celebration for such an important part of the Mountain Plays recent history.

Before all of this, however, I have a rock show to perform in!  This Saturday night I will be singing in the Wine, Women and Song "Breastival" at 19 Broadway in Fairfax, 9pm.  I will be singing two songs myself, and (in a non self-deprecating way) I am at the bottom end of the talent scale for this event.  In other words, these people ROCK!  So you really should come and check it out.  Here's a photo of me rehearsing last week for the show.  This is the beginning of my rock and roll self (plus you can see what I'm talking about with the crazy hair and foob issue I'm having).