Fear

I am scared all the time.  Okay, maybe not every second of every minute of every day, but several times a day, every day, I am scared.  I'm scared that the cancer will come back.  I'm scared that the cancer isn't really gone.  I'm scared that eventually, I won't make it.

The sort of ironic thing about all of this fear is that the truth is, no one is promised tomorrow.  I could get hit by a bus, or have some other tragic thing happen any moment, and that was true before cancer.

Regardless, it is hard to ignore your mortality when you are fighting cancer.  I know I have posted about this before.  I know that every single day new discoveries are made and if I have to fight this again, there is a good chance they will have better tools to fight, if not an actual cure for it.  Somehow though, this knowledge has not taken away the fear.

The worst of it always hits when I am putting Bella to sleep.  For some reason those are the moments that I imagine her future, and the important things in her life that I am so desperate to be present for.  I need to be there when she gets married, has babies, graduates from school, has her heart broken, falls in love, stars in a play, wins a softball game, or any other significant moment in her life.  The idea of missing any of these moments brings me to tears each and every time.  A girl needs her mom.

I am doing everything my doctors tell me to do.  I will fight with everything I have.  I still somehow though am not able to latch on to this as a motivation to go above and beyond in my fight.  I know that food affects my body's ability to fight the cancer.  If I was eating an alkaline diet it would support my effort.  If I lost weight, it would support my effort.  And yet, these are things I haven't been able to do.  Part of that stems from the fact that I am an emotional eater.  And fear needs to be stopped, which I do with food.  Another reason why I know that I need to find a counselor and probably go on some anti-depressants or anxiety medication.

I don't really have anything particularly interesting to share tonight other than every day I seem to be struggling more and more with this fear.  I am high functioning and can "get by" in life with no issues.  On the surface, most days, I seem fine.  Under the surface though, there is a constant turmoil boiling up, ripping through me and tearing me out of the present.  It is time to make a change.  It has become too difficult to ignore.  Radiation won't begin for another three weeks or so and I am feeling much more myself post-surgery.  I no longer have any reason to not take the next step in truly caring for myself.  If I'm going to be here for my daughter, I truly must begin to be here for myself.  Therein lies the challenge.