I fell apart tonight. The why is irrelevant for now. But now that my breathing and heart rate are back to normal and I prepare to close my eyes and get some sleep, I am realizing that I needed to fall apart. I've been holding it together for myself, my kids, my friends, my family for a while now. Holding on so tightly as I try to keep the pieces of my life in place. Sometimes, when you're holding on to something heavy, you need to put it down so that you can pick it back up. Release your grip. Adjust your hold. So tonight, I think I needed to fall apart. I let it go, just for a minute (thanks mom) and now I can pick up my load again with a refreshed strength.
Monday, March 30, 2015
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Hamster Wheel of Life
Do you ever feel like you won't ever get any better at life? Of course life is constantly changing, so some times things are harder and other times things get easier. But there are those pieces that are challenging in varying degrees no matter what phase of life you are in. Today I had this feeling like I just wasn't ever going to get any better at it. I will always resist cleaning my house. I will always be more tired than I want to be. I will always struggle with feeling alone. etc etc etc....
I don't choose to believe those statements. I choose to believe that I'm working on me, and all of those things, and so eventually it will get better. Won't it? That's the line they're selling teenagers these days- It Gets Better- right? But does it? It changes. It looks different. But does it really get better? Clearly I'm feeling a tad pessimistic tonight. I've been "on my own" with my kids this week because their dad is out of town. Plus my mom drove back to Oregon today. I am definitely feeling the loneliness and alone-ness of my house tonight. I'm also CRAZY tired. This has been an ongoing issue for a couple of months now to the point that I've actually made an appointment with my doctor's office to address the level of fatigue I'm struggling with. My dating life is also in a valley. In part because it seems to do that (peak and valley with interest) and in part because I am already tired of "just dating" and wanting something more real. It was fun for a minute but I want to have someone I talk to at the end of each day. Who wants to spend their free time with me whenever we can. I want to feel cherished.
And on top of all of that I ran our family financials today. We've had some unexpected changes in our monthly expenses which has us running very much in the red. So now I feel panicked about going back to work to contribute something. And my brain is running a thousand miles an hour to try to figure out other ways to improve the situation. I know what little things I can do, of course, but I'm talking bigger scale. We will see. I do actually trust it will all work out, it just feels heavy on my shoulders right now.
So I'm feeling a little bit caught in the hamster wheel of life today. As though no matter how hard I run, I make no progress. Time to jump off, somehow, someway.
I don't choose to believe those statements. I choose to believe that I'm working on me, and all of those things, and so eventually it will get better. Won't it? That's the line they're selling teenagers these days- It Gets Better- right? But does it? It changes. It looks different. But does it really get better? Clearly I'm feeling a tad pessimistic tonight. I've been "on my own" with my kids this week because their dad is out of town. Plus my mom drove back to Oregon today. I am definitely feeling the loneliness and alone-ness of my house tonight. I'm also CRAZY tired. This has been an ongoing issue for a couple of months now to the point that I've actually made an appointment with my doctor's office to address the level of fatigue I'm struggling with. My dating life is also in a valley. In part because it seems to do that (peak and valley with interest) and in part because I am already tired of "just dating" and wanting something more real. It was fun for a minute but I want to have someone I talk to at the end of each day. Who wants to spend their free time with me whenever we can. I want to feel cherished.
And on top of all of that I ran our family financials today. We've had some unexpected changes in our monthly expenses which has us running very much in the red. So now I feel panicked about going back to work to contribute something. And my brain is running a thousand miles an hour to try to figure out other ways to improve the situation. I know what little things I can do, of course, but I'm talking bigger scale. We will see. I do actually trust it will all work out, it just feels heavy on my shoulders right now.
So I'm feeling a little bit caught in the hamster wheel of life today. As though no matter how hard I run, I make no progress. Time to jump off, somehow, someway.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
How to move on
I'm trying to move on with my life. Every day I get up and try. I have been working, little by little on projects around the house. Trying to reclaim it, and create a space I feel good in and proud of. I'm getting there. But it is hard work. And lonely work. I'm looking for a part time job. Well slowly initiating that process. I have updated my LinkedIn profile and have begun working on my resume to move towards a new field (possibly). Good, but scary as it feels like a pretty major life change to add onto the rest. I'm dating. Trying to. Considering what a future life could possibly look like. Different, new, with a new partner...
However, try as I may, I am finding it a struggle to let go of the vision I've had for so many years. The one of my family of four. With the family I have built, and connected to and developed for so many years. The home that we shared. The home that we built and created, together.
So how do we let go of what was to make room for what will be? How do we trust that we will be okay, or better than okay in the future? That our struggles won't continue the way they have. That it will get easier, and better. Like that campaign says. When, will it "get better" for me? I thought I had it all. And cancer got thrown in my path. I thought I handled it. Then my marriage fell apart. I think I'm handling it. But I'm just simply tired of "handling" my life. I want to enjoy, thrive and LOVE my life. And I want to be loved back. I am so ready for the partner that looks at me as though the sun rises and sets with me. At least in our best moments. Who wants to pick me up when I fall, and who lets me pick them up when they fall. I am so ready for my next phase. Though I must not actually be since I find those moments where the old life still feels like the future.
However, try as I may, I am finding it a struggle to let go of the vision I've had for so many years. The one of my family of four. With the family I have built, and connected to and developed for so many years. The home that we shared. The home that we built and created, together.
So how do we let go of what was to make room for what will be? How do we trust that we will be okay, or better than okay in the future? That our struggles won't continue the way they have. That it will get easier, and better. Like that campaign says. When, will it "get better" for me? I thought I had it all. And cancer got thrown in my path. I thought I handled it. Then my marriage fell apart. I think I'm handling it. But I'm just simply tired of "handling" my life. I want to enjoy, thrive and LOVE my life. And I want to be loved back. I am so ready for the partner that looks at me as though the sun rises and sets with me. At least in our best moments. Who wants to pick me up when I fall, and who lets me pick them up when they fall. I am so ready for my next phase. Though I must not actually be since I find those moments where the old life still feels like the future.
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