How to move on

I'm trying to move on with my life.  Every day I get up and try.  I have been working, little by little on projects around the house.  Trying to reclaim it, and create a space I feel good in and proud of.  I'm getting there. But it is hard work.  And lonely work.  I'm looking for a part time job.  Well slowly initiating that process.  I have updated my LinkedIn profile and have begun working on my resume to move towards a new field (possibly).  Good, but scary as it feels like a pretty major life change to add onto the rest. I'm dating.  Trying to.  Considering what a future life could possibly look like.  Different, new, with a new partner...


However, try as I may, I am finding it a struggle to let go of the vision I've had for so many years.  The one of my family of four.  With the family I have built, and connected to and developed for so many years.  The home that we shared.  The home that we built and created, together.


So how do we let go of what was to make room for what will be?  How do we trust that we will be okay, or better than okay in the future?  That our struggles won't continue the way they have.  That it will get easier, and better.  Like that campaign says.  When, will it "get better" for me?  I thought I had it all.  And cancer got thrown in my path.  I thought I handled it.  Then my marriage fell apart.  I think I'm handling it.  But I'm just simply tired of "handling" my life.  I want to enjoy, thrive and LOVE my life.  And I want to be loved back.  I am so ready for the partner that looks at me as though the sun rises and sets with me.  At least in our best moments.  Who wants to pick me up when I fall, and who lets me pick them up when they fall.  I am so ready for my next phase.  Though I must not actually be since I find those moments where the old life still feels like the future.