Hamster Wheel of Life

Do you ever feel like you won't ever get any better at life?  Of course life is constantly changing, so some times things are harder and other times things get easier.  But there are those pieces that are challenging in varying degrees no matter what phase of life you are in.  Today I had this feeling like I just wasn't ever going to get any better at it.  I will always resist cleaning my house.  I will always be more tired than I want to be.  I will always struggle with feeling alone.  etc etc etc....


I don't choose to believe those statements.  I choose to believe that I'm working on me, and all of those things, and so eventually it will get better.  Won't it?  That's the line they're selling teenagers these days- It Gets Better- right?  But does it?  It changes.  It looks different.  But does it really get better?  Clearly I'm feeling a tad pessimistic tonight.  I've been "on my own" with my kids this week because their dad is out of town.  Plus my mom drove back to Oregon today.  I am definitely feeling the loneliness and alone-ness of my house tonight.  I'm also CRAZY tired.  This has been an ongoing issue for a couple of months now to the point that I've actually made an appointment with my doctor's office to address the level of fatigue I'm struggling with.  My dating life is also in a valley.  In part because it seems to do that (peak and valley with interest) and in part because I am already tired of "just dating" and wanting something more real.  It was fun for a minute but I want to have someone I talk to at the end of each day.  Who wants to spend their free time with me whenever we can.  I want to feel cherished.


And on top of all of that I ran our family financials today.  We've had some unexpected changes in our monthly expenses which has us running very much in the red.  So now I feel panicked about going back to work to contribute something.  And my brain is running a thousand miles an hour to try to figure out other ways to improve the situation.  I know what little things I can do, of course, but I'm talking bigger scale.  We will see.  I do actually trust it will all work out, it just feels heavy on my shoulders right now.  


So I'm feeling a little bit caught in the hamster wheel of life today.  As though no matter how hard I run, I make no progress.  Time to jump off, somehow, someway.