Breastfeeding

If you followed my blog for any amount of time, you probably know how desperately I struggled with breastfeeding with Bella.  I had a laundry list of things that could have caused supply issues that I battled for months.  I honestly have never worked for anything in my life as hard as I worked to breastfeed Bella.  By the end I was taking over 30 pills a day to try and up my supply, pumping constantly, nursing once a day (in the middle of the night, since that was the only time she would latch) and I still hadn't fully met her need.  After 5 months of killing myself to give her breastmilk, I finally gave up.  I had done the best I could, she didn't seem to have any type of preference and it had started to interfere with my time and energy towards just being with Bella.  I figured formula and a happy, present mama was better than breastmilk and a frustrated mama who was constantly busy pumping and taking pills.

It was two short months after I finished breastfeeding that I was diagnosed with cancer.  In retrospect it could have been the cancer causing my supply issues.  It might not have been.  No one knew for sure.  I am going to take the perspective today that my journey was what allowed me to be so attuned to my breasts and find the cancer as quickly as I did.  I am going to believe that it was a necessary evil.  Perhaps if breastfeeding had gone well, and there hadn't been any supply issues, I wouldn't have noticed a lump, or I would have let it go longer, potentially creating a much more dangerous situation for myself.  I choose to see it at a blessing in disguise.

Going into baby number two, I simply didn't know any of this for sure.  I might still have supply issues, and I only have one breast now.  In theory, we have two breasts so that we can feed twins.  Many women feed their babies with only one breast for a multitude of reasons.  I had to trust that this was a possibility for me too.

After Giancarlo was born, I made sure that the lactation consultant visited us before we left the hospital.  We were set up with a supplemental nursing system, just in case I did need to supplement.  This would allow him to receive supplemental formula, while still "nursing"- telling my body to make more milk, and telling him that milk came from the breast (no bottles).  He received a tiny bit just so we could practice in the hospital.  Then it was time to go home.  Day 3 (same day as Bella's first meltdown) he was unsatisfied with colostrum, and my milk simply hadn't come in.  I gave him one small supplement with the SNS and we had a good night.  The next morning my milk had started to come in, though still not fully.  He seemed unsatisfied again, so I set up the SNS for another small supplement.  He was not terribly interested.

After the first supplement and the third, he spit up quite a bit.  My gut told me it just wasn't great for him.  I didn't want to start searching for other formula's yet though.  I just wanted to take it as it went and my milk had just started to come in.  I wasn't supplementing automatically, only if it seemed like he needed more.

After that morning supplement, he hasn't had a drop more of formula.  I had it ready to go by my bed, and even brought it out on a few outings with us, thinking he would need it.  But here we are, a week and a half out from that last supplement (and my milk coming in) and he hasn't needed anything.  In fact, I have an over abundance of milk it seems.  I am ready to start pumping once I figure out how to get it into my day.  Aside from the standard advice of making sure they have enough wet and dirty diapers (which he has), at his 2 week check up, he had surpassed his birthweight by 5 ounces!!!  He had gone up a full 10 ounces in a week on my milk alone.

I am so happy, and proud I can't even begin to tell you.  Not only is this a personal achievement for me, and a wonderful thing for my sweet baby boy, but it also feels as though it is setting me on a different course than I was on last time.  I shared at the end of my pregnancy how some of my fears were coming from the fact that the end of pregnancy felt like the beginning of my cancer story.  Now, this time, the story is going differently.  It is logically illogical to allow my fears to dissipate.  I am increasingly seeing hope and joy for my future.  Now I just need to physically heal from giving birth and I believe I will really get to start enjoying being the mother of two.  I see the light!