In my head

I'm currently writing a post in my head.  I started to type it out today and quickly realized that it wasn't going to turn out the way I wanted.  So I will save it for another day.  Two kids are keeping me on my toes.  I am worn out.  Poor Gio is really suffering with his acid reflux.  We put him on meds a couple of weeks ago and it helped at first.  Then I don't know, maybe he outgrew the dose or something, but this past week has gotten so bad again.  He cries so much.  And I know he is in pain.  It breaks my heart.  But it wears me down too.  I'm definitely struggling.  Meanwhile I'm trying to make sure Bella is still getting what she needs but when you have a screaming baby, your attention is clearly going to go to that.  I'm so lucky and grateful to not be doing this alone all day every day, between my mom and Nick at home, and other friends and family when they're around too.  Even with my amazing support system, this is just hard.  I am so determined to breastfeed at the very least until six months, but hopefully until the one year marker when they recommend breast milk or formula until.  I don't want to give him formula if I can avoid it.  However, if I don't figure out how to make things easier, and soon, I don't know that I will be able to make it that far.  This is hard.  It isn't the actual nursing that is a challenge, but the constant desperate neediness going on.  If he isn't eating or sleeping, he is crying.  Okay we do get some happy times, but they feel few and far between right now.  I was handling the sleep deprivation okay, but combined with the fussy baby and strong willed toddler, I see my positive attitude slipping.  What helped fortify me during these tough times with Bella was my mommy group.  I could go there and cry or laugh or vent and know that I was in the company of people who understood and empathized.  But there is no mommy group for babies and toddlers (not like you could talk much with toddlers running around!)... Actually the mommy group I used to go to has been disbanded, which is particularly sad for me.  I could have at the very least arranged babysitting for Bella and taken Gio to get some mental support.  I'm working on some ideas to get that support again.  I need my mommies again!

Well I didn't expect this to be so long or so full of vents but I guess that is just where I'm at.  The truth is ugly sometimes.  I love my babies.  They are amazing and there is at least one moment each day with each child that makes my heart grow a little bigger, but the minutiae of day to day is tough.  And I guess right now, I'm feeling the weight of it all.