Tonight I'm feeling a little bit jealous. I'm wasting time on facebook and feeling jealous of what I thought my "normal" future was going to be as I look at my friends lives. I guess I'm jealous of what I thought my present should be looking like too. There are a ton of if-than factors that would be different if I didn't have cancer, so the fact of the matter is that things would never have looked the way I thought they were going to. I still can't help but think about the next couple of years and the choices that are being somewhat taken away from me. The next two years are crucial to be sure the cancer is gone. My oncologist definitely doesn't want me to get pregnant during that time. I could ignore doctors advice, but probably won't. So my children will be farther apart in age than I would like. I guess that is what is meant to be. I only hope that I get to be as present in Bella's next couple of years as I would like. I hate having the cancer shadow hanging over us.
This is where the advice to live in the moment really comes into play. As I future trip I worry about things like when I will be able to have another child, if I'm going to have to go back to work, if I have to have a mastectomy and how long I will have to live with the expander if I do... All of these 'worries' take me out of the moment and make me miss what is in front of me. Which despite the yucky chemo side effects (bone pain and mild neuropathy) is pretty wonderful. Most especially what is in front of me is my sweet baby girl. Today we took a wonderful two hour afternoon nap together. This is her sweetness right after falling asleep. I love this girl more than I can explain.
No comments:
Post a Comment