So one of the interesting parts of divorce is generally speaking, one person was more "out" than the other, leaving one in more pain (usually). In our case, without going into details, I was the person still fighting for our marriage, hoping it would work out. I have since come to realize how toxic it truly had become (not to say that we couldn't have overcome that) but still, I feel "left" by him. So now, as we move on with our lives, there is a part of me that wants to "move on" before he does. I need to prove how loveable I am, so that some part of him knows he was wrong. The more intelligent, less egocentric part of me knows how silly that is and that even if I was married tomorrow to the man of my dreams, superior in all ways, a modern prince charming, that it simply doesn't work that way.
This past weekend something came up that really sent my ego into a tailspin. Nick posted something on social media that, to me, was showing publicly (somewhat) how he has already moved on. Not everyone would be able to interpret it the way I did, but if you are familiar with the details of our situation, it would be hard not to. Meanwhile, dating has been... challenging for me. And that particular day, the most interesting new person I had heard from, turned out to be... wait for it... a prisoner. Yep. I attract creeps (that's another story for another day) and prisoners. Okay, that isn't totally fair. I have met a couple of really good guys, that for one reason or another it hasn't become more than a date or two, or friendship, but for the most part, yeah... A prisoner....
It took me a full two days before my heart wasn't split in two with my ego screaming out for justice. I'm still extra sensitive, but it is much better than it was.
After everything I have been through in the last 4 or so years, it is hard to not feel like I "deserve" better. I "deserve" my happy ending. Not that it ever works that way for anyone. But it is definitely that much harder to stay strong in the face of what my life is today, when I am reminded that it doesn't matter how good a person I am, or how bad a person someone else might be, we get what we get.
After a great deal of processing, I have come to one conclusion. I need something for me. I'm working on finding a job (something really awesome could be in the works, fingers crossed for me!) but I think it is time I returned to my art. There are two shows being put up this year and I am thinking it is time to audition again. We will have to sort out the kids, especially if I am working, but I think it is time to remind myself and the world that I am awesome. I am strong. I am talented. I am beautiful. I am a force to be reckoned with.
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