Surgery is just around the corner. This Thursday, August 4th I will have a single mastectomy on my right side and a sentinel node biopsy. I flip flop between feeling ready to tackle this challenge (and be declared cancer free) to feeling totally anxious and unprepared. Yesterday I went to "surgery class" with the nurse navigator to chat about what I can do before and after surgery to aid in my healing. Today I met with my surgeon for my pre-op appointment and review the expectations for the actual surgery.
All of the professionals are confident and appropriately aggressive in my case. I confirmed my MRI results with my surgeon today. The tumor is 3.6x.08cm. Sounds big still I know but my surgeon said they judge response by the overall volume decrease, and we are very happy with that. I had an "outstanding" response, and she still wouldn't be surprised if when they perform surgery, I show a complete pathological response (i.e. there is no cancer left). She is still planning to take 3-5 lymph nodes out to confirm that there is no involvement there (which all of the tests have shown from day one). Apparently beyond this number there is a diminishing return with the sensitivity of the test, but if those show no cancer, we can be totally confident that there is in fact no cancer. I'm confident that this will be the case regardless.
Oddly, although I left my pre-op appointment feeling confident and calm, tonight the anxiety has returned. Not so much about the surgery itself, but about the cancer in general. As I held Isabella, rocking her to sleep, I found myself feeling desperate to simply be alive to watch her grow. My fears of mortality have been relatively few and far between (considering what I'm facing), so the timing of it feels strange. I suppose though that with surgery looming the gravity of the situation is brought to light. All the same, my heart feels heavy tonight. My wish today is to live to see my daughter grow into the amazing woman I know she will be. All other hopes, wishes, dreams and ideas can fall by the wayside as long as I am granted that simple desire. I have faith that I will get that, but for some reason, tonight, I'm feeling scared.
For those that have them to spare, I would gratefully welcome any prayers/thoughts/vibes to help me stay light through these next few days, and carry me through surgery on Thursday. I am so close to being cancer free and on the road to recovery.
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