I knew that the greatest healing from the affair and end of my marriage would come with time. I didn't expect to shake it off and be a shiny happy new me all of the sudden. And of course, that is true. But what I wasn't prepared for were the ways the wound would get scraped open time and again in a million different ways, preventing the slow healing of time.
Today would have been our wedding anniversary. That alone had me a little triggered but I was doing alright. The kids were sick and needed their mama. I took them in to urgent care this afternoon due to a clear ear infection in Gio. On our way we drove passed our favorite sushi place and Bella mentions that she went to sushi with daddy. She then proceeds to tell me that, and this is hard to tell me, they didn't go alone. Nope, daddy brought his girlfriend. So the four of them had a lovely family dinner together. Its like a hot poker to my stomach.
This was after a conversation in which Bella told me I should have just asked him to stay. Just told him not to leave, because he doesn't say no to adults. I told her I tried for a whole year but that daddy wanted to go. Then she said maybe she should have asked him to stay. I told her there was nothing she could have done and that he didn't leave her. If he could have them every day he would, but then I would miss her. So we have to take turns. This whole conversation felt like an ice pick drilling into my head. Things you never want to say to your children for $1000 please Alex!
On top of all of this is seeing the friends and family you've "lost" in this process moving on with their lives. Having events or outings that you would have been invited to, but are no longer. Thinking about events coming up in my life and wondering what the guest list should look like. For as amazing as my community is today, it still hurts to let people go. And my ego really hates feeling like anyone is choosing him over me. Doesn't everyone know I'm the injured party here? That he's the meanie who hurt me?!?!? I'm kidding... Well sort of. I know life and relationships simply aren't that black and white. But it doesn't make it any easier to take.
So as the wound is ripped open, time and again, I wonder how long this healing will take. I know I'm not there yet, and that's okay, but I would really like to not feel like my heart is being ripped out and stomped on every time I hear about my kids spending time with the woman that scorned me. Surely that's not asking too much seeing as my choice to have them around her has been taken away from me. At least the universe could help it not hurt so badly...
Today would have been our wedding anniversary. That alone had me a little triggered but I was doing alright. The kids were sick and needed their mama. I took them in to urgent care this afternoon due to a clear ear infection in Gio. On our way we drove passed our favorite sushi place and Bella mentions that she went to sushi with daddy. She then proceeds to tell me that, and this is hard to tell me, they didn't go alone. Nope, daddy brought his girlfriend. So the four of them had a lovely family dinner together. Its like a hot poker to my stomach.
This was after a conversation in which Bella told me I should have just asked him to stay. Just told him not to leave, because he doesn't say no to adults. I told her I tried for a whole year but that daddy wanted to go. Then she said maybe she should have asked him to stay. I told her there was nothing she could have done and that he didn't leave her. If he could have them every day he would, but then I would miss her. So we have to take turns. This whole conversation felt like an ice pick drilling into my head. Things you never want to say to your children for $1000 please Alex!
On top of all of this is seeing the friends and family you've "lost" in this process moving on with their lives. Having events or outings that you would have been invited to, but are no longer. Thinking about events coming up in my life and wondering what the guest list should look like. For as amazing as my community is today, it still hurts to let people go. And my ego really hates feeling like anyone is choosing him over me. Doesn't everyone know I'm the injured party here? That he's the meanie who hurt me?!?!? I'm kidding... Well sort of. I know life and relationships simply aren't that black and white. But it doesn't make it any easier to take.
So as the wound is ripped open, time and again, I wonder how long this healing will take. I know I'm not there yet, and that's okay, but I would really like to not feel like my heart is being ripped out and stomped on every time I hear about my kids spending time with the woman that scorned me. Surely that's not asking too much seeing as my choice to have them around her has been taken away from me. At least the universe could help it not hurt so badly...
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