Reminders

Tonight I was watching "The Big C" on Showtime.  I debate whether or not I should watch shows like this since my views on such things have really changed now that I am a survivor.  I get easily annoyed watching/reading anything that has to do with cancer that isn't the direct words of a survivor.  Often these things feel contrived and false.  I'm sure they are often exactly that.  Someone writing who thinks they know what it would be like, but have never been their themselves.

Anyhow, during the show the main character (who is fighting stage four skin cancer I believe) goes to a seminar put on by a "joyologist"... Yeah... Anyhow they have a meditation where they are to think about their happiest moments.  Her happy moments were all with her (now teenage) son.  As I watched the silent clips roll by, I couldn't help but think "I never got to "just" be a mom".  I had a newborn, then struggled desperately to breastfeed, decided to quit my job in the midst of those struggles, and right about the time that I was getting my feet under me, I was diagnosed with cancer.  So I never got to enjoy "just being a mom".

As I come to trust that there will in fact be another baby coming this fall, I think about how different this will be.  Without question it would have been different purely by the nature of the fact that it is a second baby.  However, I will start out this motherhood as a survivor.  Not only that, but a still new survivor.  I will only be one year out from being cancer free when this baby is born.  I've been pretty good about keeping the dark thoughts away but it isn't easy.  How will I be when there isn't one beautiful life that needs me around, but two?  I haven't been able to make any major life changes in response to this cancer business, so what will it take? 

Anyhow it was just a moment for me tonight realizing that I'm sad I missed that time.  I'm frustrated that I have to spend the rest of my life knowing I'm a "survivor" and all the fear that comes along with that.  On the flip side, I get to spend the rest of my life any way I choose.  I have a "rest of my life" to spend.  Right?

On a completely different topic, one of the girls on my cancer board pointed out that this baby is due during Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  Go figure!  I take that as an "eff you cancer" moment.  Not only did you not take my fertility, but I am repurposing the month of October. =)