Between divorce and dating my ego has taken a thorough bashing over the last couple of weeks. I'm not sure what it is about me but for some reason online dating seems to only bring me men that want to sleep with me. Not even take me on a date first, just sleep with me. Although at first that wasn't an issue because I needed that sexual confidence again; to believe that I was desirable and had something interesting to offer. Now though I just want more. Not the next love of my life, but someone who wants to hang out with me. Go to dinner or a show, or anything really. The intimacy is a natural part of it, but apparently the other is hard to find. I frankly don't understand it. I'm not looking for love and marriage here- what's wrong with a little food or drink together?
Meanwhile I've had to spend all this time with the ex this week as we prepare the house for sale. I was reminded what a great team we make. How many memories we share. We even had some really good conversations about things moving forward that needed to happen. At one point we were talking about painting and what a pain it is. He was making fun of himself (he is really not good at painting) and commented on how he did a bad job the first time he painted the family room and that's when he was trying to do a good job to impress me. I laughed and said "you never tried to impress me"... He said he did. That all his "little projects" around the house, there was always a piece that was trying to impress me. When he said this it broke my heart. Further proof of how terrible our communication and understanding of one another was. I truly never felt that anything he did was about me. I didn't feel like he was trying to impress me in any way. He did what suited him and possibly factored me in, but that was the extent. Don't get me wrong, occasionally there were things he did for me of course, but I definitely never felt as though he was trying to impress me. If only he knew how much I loved him then. The people we have become today definitely do not belong together. But that love, in the past, was real and powerful... And then he called his girlfriend. Yeah. That hurt.
And this is where my stupid ego comes into play again. I don't want a relationship and all it entails. Not right now. But I want someone calling me, wanting to see me and spend time with me. And I don't have that. Not like that. I am blessed to have amazing friends and family that fill that hole currently, but it is different. Having that one person who just wants to make you smile, and you feel the same. That's special.
So I go back to the dating world. The "friends" I have are all wrapped up in their own lives right now. No one is seeking me out. The only guys reaching out to me want sex and nothing more. And the one guy I was connected to that I actually felt some chemistry with, ended up reacting to me almost identically to my ex, which sent me into those old habits and behaviors. Suffice it to say, I will not be seeing him again. Not that he was really trying to see me any way. And that's what sucks. New guys come around. They are interested for a minute, and then disappear. Some pursue me with great vigor and even make a date, and then just stop replying. Others never make it to actually asking me out but suddenly a switch is flipped and they turn into horny sex monsters. Who send inappropriate pictures of themselves. Or they're in prison. Or married. Or out of the country... Yeah so my ego is a little messed up right now.
Of course this isn't where my energy or attention needs to be. It needs to be on preparing my house for sale, and moving, and starting my business. But everyone needs a little pick me up, a little distraction from time to time. Something to spur me on through what is easily the hardest thing I've done maybe ever. I don't want to move. I don't want to walk away from the life that I had. I realize it was broken, but I would have fixed it. It didn't belong in the trash. But that is where I am finding myself. Alone. In a house far too big for me. With kids that don't even seem to like me most days (why would they when dad's house is so much more fun)... This too shall pass, right???
No comments:
Post a Comment