Sometimes I just want to cry.
Sometimes I just want to turn back the clock and somehow make this situation never happen.
Sometimes I just want to pretend it isn't happening.
Sometimes I just want to demand answers.
It is amazing to me how quickly the anxiety and fears can kick in. I had a good day today- spent most of it with my girlfriends celebrating one of their birthdays. Almost the moment I arrived home I felt the mountain on my shoulders again. We took a short nap with Isabella, went to the store for movies and snacks, and put Isabella to bed. This is where I've found I'm most vulnerable to this disease.
Rocking my sweet baby girl to sleep is such a sweet quiet moment (yes, even when she is doing her usual fussing to sleep). I usually sing her a song, and hold her close. Then slowly as I think how wonderful the moment is, the "what ifs" start to creep in. What if this disease gets the best of me? What if my baby girl doesn't have her mommy to raise her? Every girl needs her mommy... And the tears start flowing.
I know that these are just fears and are not my reality, but the honest truth is that this is a big and scary disease. It can, and does, kill people. It breaks people's hearts and tears apart families. I personally know people who have that in their story. I also personally know people who are the survivors. I expect to be a survivor, but the fears sneak in every so often. I can't imagine being in my shoes and not feeling both the love and strength surrounding me, and the honest to god fears of this situation. Tonight, I'm feeling fearful. And I suppose that is okay.
I am in awe of this family's courage. I know how much you have going on and at the same time be able to write a blog about it all is just mind blowing. Although for me, writing is and always will be the most cathartic part if something like this. Thank you for sharing it all Karey. Every morning I wake up and the first thing I do is check this blog. Those words, so rife with strength and fear...that face so pink and beautiful willing you to do what you have to beat this. She will be more than your inspiration. She is everything. I love you all! I will be back in Berkeley on the 20th. See you then! Love S
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