I'm almost done with my diagnostics. Slowly but surely I'm knocking off the various tests. I've completed a biopsy, mammograms, ultrasounds and blood tests. Monday I will have my MRI (which will officially size the tumor) and then Tuesday I will have my PET CT scan, which will confirm the absence of any additional cancer in my body. Once all of these results are in, I can temporarily focus on completing the fertility preservation before starting chemotherapy.
So what's all this fertility business? Well to start I am giving myself nightly shots of menopur and follistim which will enhance the maturation of all of the eggs my ovaries have ready for this cycle. This will also prevent one egg from "taking the lead" by continuing to have the hormones that mature the eggs produced (well- received through the shot), which means that the other eggs won't die off. Then there will be blood tests at various appointments (the first will be this Tuesday, which is the fifth day on these drugs, after four days of the shots being administered), which will determine if my hormones are trying to ovulate. If my body is trying to ovulate, then I will take a shot of another drug called Ganirelix which will prevent my body from ovulating so that the eggs can be retrieved directly from the ovary. I will take this for 4-6 days prior to egg retrieval. Finally, once it has been determined that my eggs are matured and we are ready to go, I will take an hCG Trigger shot. This is used for four primary purposes: Induce final maturation of the eggs, Cause the resumption of meiosis, Loosen the egg's attachment from the follicle wall, and Allow for the timing of the egg retrieval. This will be taken as close to 36 hours prior to egg retrieval as possible.
The doctor will then "harvest my eggs" using an ultrasound guided procedure. I will be in a twilight state (not general anesthesia but not conscious) for this procedure. Then they will use Nick's sperm and directly inject one sperm into each egg to create embryos. The embryos will then be cryogenically frozen until we are ready to use them at which time we would undergo the actual process of in vitro fertilization, having them implanted (not all of them! Just one or two) directly into my uterus.
I have to admit, this is proving to be a great distraction for me. I find the process fascinating and exciting. Since I've been lucky thus far with fertility, chances are if I hadn't gotten cancer I might never have experienced this. Not that I necessarily needed or wanted to go through this, but the scientist part of me really enjoys it. Plus we keep joking that we've always wanted twins and here's our chance to make that happen!
Meanwhile in the back of my mind I know we have to make some decisions about chemotherapy. I just don't know what I want to do. I think I might be avoiding making the decision because I am so clear that if the trial happens through my local office, then without question that is what I will do. It is just the question between Stanford's trial or the standard care chemo. This is where I wish I could wave a magic wand and just know what the right choice is.
On the emotional end of the spectrum I'm holding up fairly well. I'm working on staying present with Isabella, which means lots of play and cuddles and kisses. I'm also working on staying positive in the love and support I am receiving from all sides of my community. Daily I definitely have down periods where I feel the mountain on my shoulders again. Typically these come towards the end of the day when I've held it together for most of the day, and just need to let my guard down. Today though I had a mid-day let down and rallied for dinner with friends (thanks for the awesome dinner Matt and Lindsay and the hilarious conversation Russell and Colleen!).
Also some of the clarity I was mentioning in the title. My last post was definitely more negative than I intended. I by no means want to deter anyone from contacting me in any format. I am grateful beyond belief for the love and support I am receiving. Not many people are so lucky to experience how loved they are in their lifetime. And frankly if you are reading this blog, you probably have enough information that you don't have to ask me the questions that I feel like I'm answering over and over again ad nauseum. The questions you have are more likely things that I left out, or forgot, or simply didn't think to write about. And if I'm not feeling up to it, I won't answer the phone or reply to the message until I am again.
So here's to positivity and gratefulness and a smooth process over the coming months.
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